trans doubt

[gender-dysphoric]

i've been out as a trans man for 2 to 2.5 years now. it's not like i hadn't been doubting my transition—not socially so much, but more medically in the future—but recently i've kind of gone down the wormhole of worrying bout regret and detransition youtube and all that. probably self-isolation related, at least a bit. i was wondering if anyone else relates to doubting after being out for a while as i feel most of it comes at the beginning.

 

also, some of my doubt comes from what i want to look like. i'm 16, so of course i don't want to look super old, but part of me is still worried i feel like a boy more than a man, and  feel worried about that. i was also wondering if anyone else was feeling that.

 

one thing i've been doing sometimes when detransition youtube really gets in my head is writing out stories with my deadname and female pronouns and the same story with my current name, which usually makes me feel better—but honestly sometimes both just feel the same? i think i may be numb to my deadname, or maybe it's that others aren't viewing me as such. i don't know—just wanted to hear your thoughts.

[Chrysalis]

Have you or are you seeing a gender therapist? 

 

There used to be a series of steps that everyone coming out to take before a doctor would see you to begin your actual transition. This was to help someone to ease into their new life and be out amongst them in the process. It was important that a person immediately begin to live the life even, at fist, if just dressing like the new you only around the house. In time, you would begin to present to neighbors. To these folks you would introduce yourself and explain who you now were, including your plans. They would be asked to address you not just by the new name but with appropriate pronouns. From there, you would present at stores that you frequented and perhaps, if it applied, when using public transit.

And before seeing the doc, you would have to have been seen for however long by a Gender Therapist who would then recommend you in a letter to the doctor. I still recall being handed my letter and crying with a smile!

One thing that this was intended to do was to avoid having people supposedly sure of themselves not freak out in the midst of hormonal transition and decide to stop, hoping that whatever the hormones had done would just go away. That simply does not happen!

I can't swear to it, but I seem to recall there being age restrictions on when a person could begin Hormone Replacement Therapy. 

For whatever reason, that was all done away with. And on reading of the whirlwind of doubt storming away in your head, a Gender Therapist, I think, would be just the thing.

Best of luck, Young One!

[Tori M]

Kudos on finding yourself at such a young age.  I don't know that the doubt ever goes away, but after 17 years of being out, in, now out again, it has shrunken to a minimal, occasional thing.  Personally, I've only watched/read a couple of regret stories and they were confirmation to me that "that's not me".  I don't believe our influences/decisions should come from external sources.  I've long focused on listening to my internal thoughts and feelings.  I like your exercise of writing in both genders.  Keep doing that and eventually it might start leaning one way or the other, or not, and that's ok too.  I've never had the experience of feeling like a man, but I think at age 16 feeling partly both would be normal.  Yea, I think the current isolation has everyone feeling disoriented.  Our brains are wired to receive feedback from others and without that, it's no wonder we feel a little lost right now.  I would not calculate this bewildering social situation into my finding of myself.

8 hours ago, gender-dysphoric said:

i'm 16, so of course i don't want to look super old

"...Super old"... That's cute. {giggle} ?  I'm 54.  Welcome to TP, btw!  I hope we can be of some help in your journey.

 

Tori

[gender-dysphoric]

@Tori M and @Chrysalis thanks! i've definitely been feeling better even since yesterday though when i started to realize that i really have very few of the same experiences of detransitioners and that i don't need to have all the answers—honetsly, now i'm happy enough with my transition for the moment, so i'll let myself live a little more.

[Ryan]

I think it's very common to doubt one's gender transition. As said above, finding a suitable gender therapist will help immensely, and they should help you work through some of your thoughts. Also, if you're not connecting with one therapist, you don't have to stay with them. Remember, you're paying them, and they can be fired (by you) until you find one suitable for your needs who will listen to you. 

 

YouTube had suggested the detransition videos to me as well, and they do get in your head. I suggest to stop watching those videos, even though I do think it's good to know both sides of transition. Another thing that someone had told me is cis people don't stress out about their gender identity, and if they do, it's for two seconds, or wondering what it'll be like to be the opposite sex. If this is something that's been on your mind for many months or years, it'd be good to talk with a professional who specializes in gender identity.