Crossing to transgender?

[aggam]

I was born male, age 33, married to a woman with 2 kids. I've been crossdressing since I was 12 to get off sexually, and have continued doing so for my entire life. I went out fully dressed twice in the night. With time, my crossdressing wardrobe has increased from slutty clothes and fuzzy sweaters to a large set of female attire (dresses, skirts, shoes, heels, wigs, make-up). I've been turned on more and more by the thought of presenting myself as a woman up to fantasizing on doing sex with guys. I've never wanted a change of genitals, but had great desire to otherwise feminize my body (unfulfilled fantasies on growing nails, hair removal, breasts and hormones). With time, crossdressing has become less sexy, but increasingly soothing in times of stress or sickness.

 

In the last few months I've become obsessive with my crossdressing, the desires became very intense. This seem to trigger some kind of gender dysphoria issue with me - I have never before considered myself feminine physically or behaviorally, but I have to admit I've never considered myself masculine either (though I am objectively very masculine both physically and behaviorally).

 

Looking back on my life I've recalled instances suggesting I've been feeling uneasy with my assigned gender - for example, I find my own body unappealing, do not relate to it as mine and never felt handsome (this was not the case when I was crossdressing - for example I've been looking at my legs in leggings or high heels with admiration), I've had an unexplained discomfort going to locker rooms or urinals, I hate having haircuts, and I've rarely bought myself male clothes (my mother and then wife bought me). All of these led me to a kind of eureka moment which made me question my gender. Surprisingly, I've been feeling much less depressed and haunted by my crossdressing desire since. I've started to eat better (I'm overweight), and feel much more confident in growing my hair and laser my body (which I have done out of compulsion in the last two months). I am somewhat pleased to think about myself as a woman.

 

In parallel to this process I've started reading more about people like me from a psychological view point. Autogynephilia\secondary transsexual concepts describes my life almost to the letter, but it seems little to no information is given on what should I do.

 

Am I just a sex pervert trying to fulfill his greatest fantasy?
Am I a repressed transgender who's inner self trying to emerge after sending signals all his life?
Is my gender-happiness more important than the price to pay for transitioning in this late age and family status?
Should I tell people close to me this bothers me (my wife is the only one who knows and she also knew about my crossdressing almost from the beginning of our relationship)?
Is this gender dysphoria going to just vanish one day when I'm not stressed about life and have time for myself? or is it going to converge to transgenderism in a few months-years?
Is not transitioning really a psychologically viable option (i.e., if I don't transition will I become overly depressed, obsessed and self destructing as I've lately been)?
What am I?

 

Other related points:
- I've been seeing a therapist for the last few months, she is not dedicated for gender issues and it took me a few meetings to bring it up. She won't tell me if I'm transgender or not, but try to make me say these kind of stuff myself.
- Life has been stressful for a while (like 5 years), between work, COVID, and young kids I barely find time for myself, I have no hobbies left, and I barely meet my few friends with whom I have a rather shallow connection.
- I barely dress at home, the kids are always around and I barely find the time. This might have increased my stress lately.
- I cherish and greatly love my wife, however we have a mediocre sex life much because of me as I feel my sex drive is divided between her and my fetish.
- I do not have any transgender, crossdresser or even gay person in my life (that I know of). I have not been to a support group.

 

[Dinaki]

Hello and welcome @aggam

 

I don't know to answer your questions, perhaps a lovely lady here shall interfere and responds to you.

 

I did visit one Jaffa for a week sometimes ago. For some reasons though, the Clock Tower is deeply carved in me. I bought few items for my house in Athens from the flea market as well.

I am still puffed with Shakshouka, lunch and dinner that dish I always ordered it, its so good and I miss it.

[Jackie C.]

Hey @aggam! Welcome to TransPulse!

 

First off, you're not that old. You missed the sweet spot where hormones can still give us some of the more elusive female secondary sexual characteristics (like hips), but you're hardly too old to transition. There are plenty of people here who waited until they were MUCH (OK, that may have been insensitive. I don't mean it in a bad way.) older than 33. I didn't start until I was 48 and I'm a long way from being the latest start.

 

Secondly, you should find a gender therapist to work with. While regular therapists are great, you would really benefit from talking about your issues with someone who specializes in them. Just common sense. When your pipes leak, you find a plumber, not a bricklayer.

 

Thirdly, cis people don't question their gender. It feels right and they're comfortable in their own skin from the get go. I know it's hard to imagine, but it's true! Now whether that means you need to transition, keep crossdressing or whatever is something to talk about with your Gender Therapist. They'll help you figure out what you need to do to feel more at-ease with yourself.

 

Fourthly, gender dysphoria doesn't go away. It might get quiet for a minute, but it never completely stops. It always surges back later. Usually stronger than the last time. Definitely seek treatment.

I was very self-destructive when I was denying who I really am. Like you, I only started taking care of myself once I started to realize the source of my self-loathing. I couldn't go back. If the choice was execution or going undercover, hand me my blindfold and show me where the firing squad is waiting. I could not go back to being that person.

 

So, you need to look at what's really going to happen if you come out to your spouse. She already knows about the crossdressing, so that's good. I wouldn't worry too much about the sexual feelings. I remember being a young man. Everything had sexual feelings attached because of the magic of testosterone. Still, something to talk about with your gender therapist.

 

That's probably not a super helpful answer, but the truth is that we all need to find our own path. Sometimes we lose things along the way. Sometimes we gain things too. In the meantime, we're here for any questions you want to ask or if you just want to vent.

 

Hugs!

[SaraAW]

Hi Aggam, Let me first start by saying, crossdressing does not make you a pervert, sexual fantasies involving other adults does not make you a pervert. The rest of the questions are really good ones, which only you can answer about yourself. 

 

Transgender is not a noun, you can be a transgender person, but you can not be a transgender. Being transgender is not a philosophical point of view or ideology, it is a descriptor meaning someone who crosses genders. I mention this, as many folks may find the usages offensive.

 

It is very common for dysphoria to come and go over time. Many folks, myself included, have found that each time it comes back, it is more aggressive, until steps are taken explore and accept who you are.

 

There are many folks that never transition, socially or medically, for many reasons. Those of us that do transition, typically do only what we find necessary to alleviate our dysphoria to a level that allows us to live our lives. There is no rule book or script in which you need to follow, to be a trans person simply requires that your gender is different from that assigned to you at birth.

 

It is good that you have started therapy, as many of us find it immensely helpful. It is also good that your therapist will not tell you are trans, as only you can do that. Their role is to help you explore your gender, emotions, thoughts and sense of self to help you figure things out for yourself.

 

It is also very common to have fears of disclosure and how people will react. I would say, it is healthier to not hide a part of yourself, especially long term. Honest and open communication is also a cornerstone to a healthy marriage, but only you can decide if the risk or reward is greater. Gender non-conformity can definitely be very stressful on a marriage and for those of us that do come out to our spouses, the success rate is not much better than 50%.

 

If you come to the realization that you are indeed trans, that is valid, as is determining you are not. 

 

There are lots of great folks here, many who have shared the stories, look around and you will likely find, you are not alone in how you feel.

 

Hugs!

 

 

[Sally Stone]

Hi Aggam, welcome to our forums.

58 minutes ago, aggam said:

What am I?

Wow, what a loaded question, and it is a question everyone has asked ourselves.

 

Being trans can come in many forms, and since each of us is different, sometimes it is hard to classify ourselves one way or another.  Your feelings are very similar to mine.  It took a very long time sort my feelings, but I came to some conclusions based on a deep self-evaluation coupled with a lot of study.  I read everything I could get my hands on related to the subject of gender and gender identity.

 

Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that I am a part-time woman, a bi-gender person who needs to express both male and female personas to be happy and fulfilled.  

 

It makes sense that your therapist won't tell you whether or not you are trans; I bet she is hoping you will discover that answer on your own.  I say take the time to explore your feelings and search for what really makes you happy.  There have been stresses and road bumps in my journey to self discovery, but mostly, it has been a very enjoyable ride.  To be true to our own personal needs I think it is important to choose our own path, instead of following the road someone ahead of us has taken.  I wish you all the best discovering who you are, and just know you have a lot of support here.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Aggam.  Welcome!

 

Like your therapist, I can't tell you if you are transgender or not.  I can tell you that dysphoria does not go away, and it tends to get more severe the longer it goes untreated.  Since your therapist is not experienced with gender issues you might want to ask her for a referral to someone who is.

 

Some cross-dressers do not consider themselves to be transgender; many do.  Sometimes, people's understanding of themselves changes over time.  I know one lady who initially considered herself "only" a cross-dresser.  Then she considered herself a transgender cross-dresser.  Then she considered herself to be gender-fluid.  Now, she considers herself to be bi-gender.  She has told me that there may be more changes ahead as she gets to know herself better.  It is a journey of discovery, and who you are is for you alone to decide.

 

At 33, you are far from old.  I figured out who I was at age 61 and started transitioning at 62.  Now, at 65, I am happy with who I am.  I don't recommend leaving it as long as I did, but age is not a barrier.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Susan R]

11 hours ago, aggam said:

Am I just a sex pervert trying to fulfill his greatest fantasy?
Am I a repressed transgender who's inner self trying to emerge after sending signals all his life?
Is my gender-happiness more important than the price to pay for transitioning in this late age and family status?
Should I tell people close to me this bothers me (my wife is the only one who knows and she also knew about my crossdressing almost from the beginning of our relationship)?
Is this gender dysphoria going to just vanish one day when I'm not stressed about life and have time for myself? or is it going to converge to transgenderism in a few months-years?
Is not transitioning really a psychologically viable option (i.e., if I don't transition will I become overly depressed, obsessed and self destructing as I've lately been)?
What am I?

Hi @aggam I’ve pondered every one of these questions one time or another during my life. Most of these questions I struggled for answers where there were none. Most of these can’t be answered by anyone but yourself. As most here have pointed out...a good therapist specializing in gender identity is the best person to help guide you to the answers.

I will add my 2¢ and say these questions and the dysphoria surrounding the issues does not go away by itself and eventually become very hard to ignore. Many times it becomes so pronounced we are forced to face them and deal with them. It’s very difficult to do on your own. I know I couldn’t handle it alone. If you choose to deal with it, it’ll likely require a support system to be established. That may or may not consist of your friends and family although it will involve them on some level. In my case, my support system consists mainly of my wife, my PCP, my therapists, and my friends online and off. You may have good luck with family as a support but I did not. Each journey is very unique and a ‘one plan fits all’ just doesn’t apply or work well.

I hope you begin to find some the answers you mention so you can make the decisions for your life that help you. That may include transitioning or not. Some here have been able to find others ways of coping instead of transitioning. I was not one of them.

I was 56 when I came to the point where you are now. I researched, found my truths, looked for support and with that support in place, I finally started transitioning. Now fast-forward about two years, I’m finally living life the way I was meant to live. I do believe that reaching out to others here who share similarities in their journeys is a good place to start.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[KayC]

Hi aggam! nice to meet you and welcome. 
Wow!  so much of your story sounds similar to mine (except I had about a 30 year gap of suppressed crossdressing).

18 hours ago, aggam said:

Autogynephilia\secondary

Had to Google this ... good information.  The bottom line I got from this is that is doesn't matter what the reason is for your dysphoria.  Its real to you.

When I came out to my wife and started actively crossdressing (only at home, but every chance I had) I had so much of the same self-questioning .. and still do.
But similar to you I moved farther from sexual gratification to sexual identity as the primary issue, but I also understand everything in life is interconnected.  And as everybody has said .. dysphoria does not just disappear on its own.

Actually, had my very first Therapy session today.  Oh boy!  I did not leave any stone un-turned (well... actually we ran out of time before I ran out of stones) so there is plenty to go back and re-visit.
I love my therapist, she has experience with LGBTQ+ issues and specific therapy ... I trust her totally already.

I would say to just continue with your therapy without necessarily seeking labels and answers this early.  If you are totally open, and you have a good therapist you will get there ... Much as everybody else has testified to on your post.

IF you don't think your therapist is a right match for your dysphoria issues, then maybe ask for another referral. 

Everybody is here for support and encouragement.  So, Welcome again❣️
 

[aggam]

Thank you all for your replies and the warm welcome!

 

It seems the leading points everyone here agrees on are:

1. I need to choose my own path, with a gender therapist support.

2. Gender dysphoria doesn't go away with time, but gets worse.

3. Some people manage their gender dysphoria without transitioning.

 

So another question regarding 2:

If you transition, does it vanish the obsession-compulsion on the desire to be a woman, or does our mind finds different things to obsess about?

To me the current feeling is like being haunted, and I wonder if exorcism works, or do we just find another itch to scratch and never find rest.

 

Btw, some of you mentioned my wife so I will clear things up - I did tell my wife about my gender dysphoria. She's not happy and have been trying to deal with it, but no drastic changes were made in our lives. We've agreed my job is to understand what I want from life, and that she does want me to be happy. I don't feel she could or should support me as she's too emotionally invested in this.

 

[Jackie C.]

25 minutes ago, aggam said:

So another question regarding 2:

If you transition, does it vanish the obsession-compulsion on the desire to be a woman, or does our mind finds different things to obsess about?

To me the current feeling is like being haunted, and I wonder if exorcism works, or do we just find another itch to scratch and never find rest.

 

Mostly? I still occasionally fantasize about, "Wouldn't it be great if I'd just been born right in the first place," but it's nowhere near the huge stone I used to lug around my neck. I obsess about my appearance a little, but I've apparently got a vain streak. I channel it into useful things like maintaining my health.

 

I feel better about myself. However, as a caveat, a good friend of mine once said to me, "Unhappy men transition into unhappy women." There's a kernel of truth in that. There might be other things buried in your psyche that are eating away at you. That's part of the reason we always say that you should seek a good therapist. Just because you have the one issue, doesn't mean that there aren't more. Transitioning isn't a magic pill you can take that will turn you into a happy person. You need to work on yourself too. Growing up trans frequently twists us up inside. It's hard not to live as your authentic self and the facade we put on to "fit in with the other guys" takes its toll.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, aggam said:

If you transition, does it vanish the obsession-compulsion on the desire to be a woman, or does our mind finds different things to obsess about?

I would never speak for anyone else obviously and as I’ve already mentioned everyone has a different journey so the results will be as varied too. My ‘desire’ to live as a woman has intensified but in a good way.  Since it is no longer a secret and is a part of myself at its core...it’s natural.  I no longer worry about when of if I’ll dress or act as myself, I just do.  The day to day things can be focused on much more clearly.  Gender Dysphoria (GD) does rear it’s head on occasion but it’s nothing like it was in the past before transition. I’m still very much in the process of transitioning so I believe it will be even less of an issue in time. Being active in the trans community is still very much a part of my life so it is still top of mind and likely always will be in some form. But several things have changed for me through my journey. When I was young, I explored dressing as a woman secretly. I tried to get as much bang for my buck. I needed to dress in the most feminine attire and it was very obsessive compulsive as you say. While I was living at home that meant exploring my feminine side only at night while sleeping. Eventually, I finally moved far away from my parents and was able to live as myself in my early 20’s, I had fun exploring all aspects of femininity and being female in the world. It became much less obsessive compulsive and became more a part of who I was. I still presented male at work and I really didn’t consider myself involved in a transition. I was sort of happy with where I was...at least for awhile.  I didn’t know how long the divided compartmentalized lifestyle was going to last and I set no goals for integrating Susan (me) into any full time routine. For a decade, it was mainly still reserved as an outlet for my desire to be female. Less obsessive but the desire was strong.

When I met my wife I stopped and suppressed everything. I thought I had finally beat it. The unfortunate side affect was I became an introvert and a ‘quick to anger’ person that my wife could not recognize after several years. I can see the change now looking back. Eventually, I could no longer suppress it. The need to become Susan came to the forefront and I could no longer suppress myself. That’s about the time I joined this forum.

 

1 hour ago, aggam said:

To me the current feeling is like being haunted, and I wonder if exorcism works, or do we just find another itch to scratch and never find rest.

I mentioned there was a time in my life when I lived part time as a woman but at work I presented male. During that time my girlfriend and I met some friends who led us to a huge non-denominational Christian church. My girlfriend and I became regulars for a short time at this church. After a sermon on the subject of the ‘power of prayer‘ we discussed the possibly getting ‘cured’ of my crossdressing desire. I told her I had never had success on my own praying for a cure and getting one. After a few weeks of discussion on this topic we both decided I would call the church and set up a time to do this. I called at talked to one of the church pastors and talked to them about needing “a prayer of deliverance“ mentioned in the sermon.  We set up a time but I was scared to death primarily because of shame but also I knew the pastors daughter from high school 6 years earlier. I kept the appointment and went to his office. He was there with a few other prayer warriors. I gave them my 10 min life story and asked if they could help. They laid hands on me and prayed for me. I wouldn’t call it an exorcism but it was the closest thing I’ve experienced to one.  I felt very close to God and thought I was finally healed. Not to preach here but to share my perspective and likely bias... I did and still do believe all things are possible if God wants it. I truly believed I was changed. I went almost a week before breaking down and started dressing as myself again. I knew then that this was a very deep part of my core being. I knew the issue was not inside but an issue with my exterior shell. Yet, just a few years later when I met my wife, I still believed I could control it through my own willpower alone. Needless to say, that did not work. 

 

Sorry, I really got carried away on this one. If you got this far, I applaud your stamina.

 

I hope some of this helps though. It’s been such a battle all these years and I hate to see anyone make the same mistakes I did dealing with this.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[KathyLauren]

5 hours ago, aggam said:

If you transition, does it vanish the obsession-compulsion on the desire to be a woman, or does our mind finds different things to obsess about?

 

 

When I transitioned, I no longer desired to be a woman or to live as a woman, because that is what I was doing.  No need to desire what I already have.  Instead of being overwhelmed with desire, I was doing what I had always wanted to do.

 

I still have some mild dysphoria about my appearance and my voice, but it is minor compared to that obsessive desire that I had in the past.

[Jani]

Hello Aggam and welcome, 

Lots of good advice and commentary from my friends.  Kathy's last point about no longer desiring to be a woman is spot on.  Once you have accepted that role and start to live it, the obsessive part seems to melt.  I would suggest finding a gender therapist.  I have a good friend in your country who can attest to the care provided.  She transitioned in a small town although she lives in the city now.  

 

Jackie's point about "unhappy men transitioning to be unhappy women" has some truth to it, although I would go further to say once you remove the stress felt due to your "secret" you may find other issues melt away as well.  Dysphoria is a strong master and we each need to find our own path to overcome it.  Start by talking with a counselor who understands our needs.  They will not tell you who you are, that is for you to decide.  But they will guide to ask the right questions and probe until you answer honestly.  At least that is my experience.

 

All my best to you.

Jani  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, aggam said:

She's not happy and have been trying to deal with it, but no drastic changes were made in our lives. We've agreed my job is to understand what I want from life, and that she does want me to be happy. I don't feel she could or should support me as she's too emotionally invested in this.

For me, this is the hardest part too.  That my dysphoria involves somebody else ... somebody I love and I don't want to lose and that I feel responsible for her unhappiness about this.  Its a double whammy of stress and anxiety on top of what is already there.

Aggam, I think if we both stay anchored in the 3 main points you listed, we have a good chance to navigate our way through this.  That's my hope anyway .. for you and me, both❣️

[Rami]

"Transgender is not a noun"? Noun; a person, a place or a thing. Somebody please enlighten me on why it is unacceptable to use the word transgender in a sentence as noun, while it is acceptable to use transvestite as a noun. Can we not be the subject of a sentence? I refuse to be defined or bound by grammar as an adjective, just as I do not accept that gender can be defined by XY and XX chromosomes.

[Jackie C.]

Transgender is an adjective. For example, that is a transgender man, transgender woman or transgender individual, etc.

 

Transvestite is rude.

 

More properly, you could say, "Trans-man" or "Trans-woman."

 

Now personally, so long as you get your point across, I'm good but you asked.

 

Hugs!

[Dinaki]

I am sorry Jackie, I have using Transvestite many times in these forums whit me knowing that it is rude in America.

 

In Europe, we can say black man, or he is a negro and that is fine. In USA though, it is a a very offensive to say the n word. At the same time, I can hear so many times colored singers saying in their song the n. word and that is not offensive for them, I am puzzled with the American way various people are talking.

 

I shan't use the word transvestite again as it is rude from your instructions, I am sorry!

[Jackie C.]

Well, out of favor. We're trying to mold our language in such a way as to avoid some of the negative connotations of the past. We've got a ways to go but hey, we're trying. ?

 

Hugs!

[Rami]

Aggam

I have been down, if not the exact same path, a very similar path. I have found much speculation as to why I am different from most biological males with no such transgender thoughts and desires. There is science which indicates that the brain of a male with transgender tendencies has a brain with observable similar physical characteristics to that of female brain. As to how this deviation from normal development occurred, there are a number of theories ranging from genetic variations to fetal development gone astray due to abnormal hormone levels of the mother during fetal development or a combination of the two. 

In the near future there will better understanding of the transgender phenomena and how the phenomenon occurs. For the present I accept that I am different from the accepted norm.

Rami