Officially out at work

[Elizabeth Star]

I'm actually relieved it happened.

I work for a relatively small company 70-80 employees. I came out to a few of my co-workers at the beginning of the year and a couple more a few weeks ago. Otherwise I've been keeping my transition quiet. I'm not sure what happened differently today. I've been wearing woman's clothing almost exclusively for the last six months. I had some garbage to throw away so I headed towards the back to dispose of it on my home. As I was heading out I passed  my friend "D". She has been very supportive of me and has other friends that are transitioning. So, she gets it. Said good night to her, the owner, the new guy and headed out. About twenty minutes later D calls me in a bit of a panic. Apparently, right after I left, the owner started asking her questions about me and the changes I'm going through. A few months ago I had asked her to be honest and not lie to anyone if she was ever asked. I would have preferred if the owner had asked me directly. Oh well, it's out now. He didn't seem to have any problems with it. Rumors spread like wild fire at my job so I'm sure by the morning at least half the company will know. Tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day.

[Emily michelle]

Good luck I hope it all goes well for you. I know how rumors can spread. 
I have had several people ask questions lately so I’m gonna have to tell them sooner than later. 

[Jani]

Well thats a relief.  By telling your friend not to lie you had to know it would get out sooner or later.  Its all water under the bridge now.  I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

 

Cheers, Jani

[KymmieL]

The rumor mill may or may not start. But it is good that you are preparing for it. Since the feline is out of the burlap. You can continue to be more and more female at work. As long as you have friends everything will work out.

 

Have a great day tomorrow.

 

Kymmie

[Susan R]

@ElizabethStar

Well, sometimes our transitions are helped along by others when we least expect. In this case, I think it’s safe to say you were likely very close to doing it yourself anyways so no real harm done.  The only difference now is the exact time and date of your coming out at work. Other than a few questions from others you’ll probably do just fine. I’d look at it as a big positive overall. Since you know tomorrow is D-day, what are you planning on wearing? Will you dress it up, down or the same? Inquiring minds want  to know...or at least I do! ?

 

Early Congrats,

Susan R?

[Elizabeth Star]

@Susan R I wish I could dress up more. I just don't have that much in my closet yet. I'm thinking black flare leg jeans, black V-neck T and black block heel short boots. I have a black lace racer-back bra I've saving for a special occasion, guess this is it. I have a small obsession with black clothing.?

[Elizabeth Star]

Surprisingly there was little to no talk today. I did find out the owner had asked D  the forbidden question. If I still had boy parts. Not cool, so not cool. He didn't do it to be an ass. He honestly didn't know better. Well, that prompted my friend to have a talk with someone in management, the warehouse manager.

Later in the morning I went to touch-base with that same manager to let him know that, Yes that's a horribly inappropriate question but I would let it slide this time.  His reply to me was that we need to start operating more like a business and cannot allow people ask questions like that. I asked about using my preferred name and pronouns. He said they cannot until it is changed in my employee file. So I will need to submit copies of paperwork. Maybe I need to send them a letter.

And apparently they (owner, VP, and warehouse manager) had a meeting about what they can and cannot ask me. That was the last I heard. So I suspect someone in management is doing some research this weekend on having a transgender employee.

The new guy I had mentioned earlier had already clocked me as trans. He just didn't know if I was FTM or MTF and was just using they/them pronouns until my friend D clarified it for him.

This was all before lunch.

At lunch my wife called to check in with me. The first thing she asked me was if I got fired. I replied, "Did I call you crying? Then obviously not". I swear she is just looking for anyone, anything to side with her so she can try to convince me that this path is wrong for me. It's making her angry that she can't. Everyone, including her best friend, saw this coming long ago, accepted it and still love me.

 

?~Liz~

 

 

[SaraAW]

So happy it went pretty well for you Liz! It’s a great sign that they were pretty quick to shutdown the inappropriate questions. Hopefully you can get your file updated very soon and that there’s not too many hoops you need to jump through to make it happen. 
 

It’s sort of funny in a sad way, but I believe my wife is looking for one of my coming outs to go horribly wrong too. So far everyone I’ve told has been super supportive and when she asks how it went and I tell her, her demeanour sours. I hope our wives finally decide to just accept that love trumps all. 
 

Hugs! 

[Emily michelle]

Well that sounds like it went good I’m glad the management is going to correct the inappropriate talk. Hopefully you can get your employee file changed quickly. I’m sorry to hear that your wife is not supportive. I could only hope when I come out at work it goes that smooth I’m afraid not just because of the industry I’m in.

[Mmindy]

Congratulations and Best wishes @ElizabethStar for a good and safe outcome.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy???

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I did find out the owner had asked D  the forbidden question. If I still had boy parts. Not cool, so not cool. He didn't do it to be an ass. He honestly didn't know better.

You can tell a person has been very shelter when the ask such tactless questions when finding out something in this regard. I recall coming out with my wife present to my Christian neighbor and spilling out my entire life story. Her first question to me was (seriously now), “So, how are you two going to do sex now?” My wife and I look at each other and changed the subject. She didn’t have any right to ask that so I didn’t give her the dignity of a response. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. One of the rare outcomes among friends that went sideways and then south. 

There are idiots everywhere in this world. Maybe in time you can show your boss you’re a person like everyone else and have the right to your own privacy.

 

Susan R?

[Elizabeth Star]

Work went well today and was uneventful, surprising. The thing about where I work is the owner can't keep anything a secret and likes to gossip. Although, a few of the other girls seemed to engage with me more than usual. I did have to speak to the owner regarding a project I'll be working on later this week. He didn't really want to talk too or even look at me. I don't take it as a bad sign, I just think he doesn't know what he can and can't say or ask. It may be time to write a letter to HR to notify them and make it public to the company that I am transitioning. My "me" project for the week.

[Siobhan]

32 minutes ago, ElizabethStar said:

Work went well today and was uneventful, surprising. The thing about where I work is the owner can't keep anything a secret and likes to gossip. Although, a few of the other girls seemed to engage with me more than usual. I did have to speak to the owner regarding a project I'll be working on later this week. He didn't really want to talk too or even look at me. I don't take it as a bad sign, I just think he doesn't know what he can and can't say or ask. It may be time to write a letter to HR to notify them and make it public to the company that I am transitioning. My "me" project for the week.

 

All in all, sounds like things are going pretty well on the work front! That's good to hear!

[Mmindy]

59 minutes ago, ElizabethStar said:

My "me" project for the week.

Congratulations Elizabeth on being able to be you at work.

[Cyndee]

1 hour ago, ElizabethStar said:

It may be time to write a letter to HR to notify them and make it public to the company that I am transitioning. My "me" project for the week.

 

I agree "make it official" like in writing so there is no ambiguity, and get your HR files in order, after all it's a business.

 

Congrats on coming out, way to go. Nothing feels better than working your job as your true self, no more hiding, what a relief.

 

Cyndee

[Elizabeth Star]

I found one in the coning out letters section I liked. I modified but I think It will suite my needs. This is what I will  be sending to HR later this week.

 

 Hello Everyone,

    Well, the cat is out of the bag as Keith is now aware and a lot of you already know of my "issue", Gender Dysphoria / Transgender I have fought this my entire life, and over the years learned how to hide it remarkably well from everyone. I know that some of you have questions, some don't. Some of you will accept me as I am, some won't. I understand those statements on many levels having lived through them. I have seen the worst in humans and the best in humans in the last few months.

    Outside the office I live as female and because of that I have to make changes. One of those things is my name. I will be submitting paperwork with the courts once things start going back to normal from Covid and within a couple of months of that my name will legally be Elizabeth. I would appreciate it if you would try and use that name. Because the name change will be legal, everything will change to that name. Packages, mail, payroll, 401K, and professional licenses. I understand that its not easy, and that you have known me as Roman for years and I can't expect you to switch it like a light bulb, but I do ask that you try. I will also be legally changing my gender to female. I would appreciate it if you would address me with proper pronouns. She/her. Again, I understand the difficulty, but again ask you to be civil and courteous.

    Now on to the hard part. The clients. Undoubtedly you have or will be asked about me. I get "you changed" at least 10 times a day. "What's with his name", "You look different", "Is his name out of the closet?" I'm sure you have heard others and will hear others. I will leave it up to you to decide how much info you want to give them. I'm not hiding anything and if they ask, they should be told. "She's transgender." "Please ask her." "I hadn't noticed any change." are all fine answers. I am very sorry that you will get these questions, and I'm sorry if they make you feel uncomfortable. You are not obligated to give them any answers and "I don't know" is more than acceptable. Again, I'm very sorry that any of you are "caught up" in my issues.

   Wikipedia has some information on Transsexualism and Gender Dysphoria. Please look at them. I'm not asking any of you to be experts on it, I live it and still don't understand some of it. Please ask questions. Part of my ongoing therapy is to be open and honest. How can I move on if I continue to hide? I can't.

    Lastly, work and dress. I personally would like to be me. I want to stop having a double life and just live as Elizabeth, however, I understand the implications of me showing up to work "dressed as a woman" However, that is quickly becoming an issue. When and if I am able to come to work as Elizabeth, you all will be given ample time and will know when/if the change will happen.

    I would like to thank the "Girl in the know" for their support and love over the last few months. I would not have made it if it weren't for the shoulders I held onto for dear life. Thank you girls, I love you!

 

[Susan R]

@ElizabethStar I think this is a great letter. It addresses everything I think they need in a coming out letter for your work. If they have anything else to ask you...well you sort of addressed that too. I think it’ll go very well and in six months it won’t even be on their radar.

 

Good Luck,

Susan R?

[Lexi C]

congrats on the good news Ms. Star. 

[Charlize]

The early days were hard for me.  Most folks were great but a few were a bit of a pain despite all i could do or explain.  Susan is spot on.  A bit of time was all it took and then i was just another person and no longer an oddity.  Hang in there it seems you are doing everything right!  One day you will realize its no longer an issue at all.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Elizabeth Star]

 

I took a couple of days but I finally got a response from management. After their bi-weekly meeting. I was told that the "entire Company" is here to support me. And, I'm one of their biggest assets, they won't risk losing me. Our VP stated that if I ever need anything to call her directly. As far  as using a different name and/or pronouns they have no problem with it as long as they're legally documented. And also, "It doesn't matter what you do, just be you". And they will NOT tolerate any hate towards me.

That took such weight off my shoulders. And now I can finally be more girl at work. And sleep better at night.

 

?Liv~

 

[Susan R]

Well @ElizabethStar, that went well. You can’t ask for better than that response. Oh! I guess they could have had cake but I think your going to do just fine and you certainly don’t want those extra calories anyway!

 

I’m very happy this turned out as well as I expected it would.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[SaraAW]

Liv, That is wonderful news! So happy to hear you’ve got so much support at work. 

[Emily michelle]

Wow that’s great to hear! That is great news you can be yourself at work.

[Jackie C.]

Magnificent news! I'm so very happy for you!

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on coming out at work, and on the excellent response from management!  That's the way it should be.