Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Fear of being rejected by cis gay men


Recommended Posts

Hi!

It is my first post so hello everybody I hope I'm doing everything just right ?
I guess I have some issue with my sexual life that I wasn't aware of for many years and I need to share it with someone. 

 

I am bisexual, more gay, and I was in close intimacy and/or relationships only with women and ftm men, never with cis men (I had romances and kissing but never an intercourse because of just random reasons, like I hadn't found anyone with whom I could enter into a deeper intimacy or reasons like there were no place for doing it, idk ?).


I was for about 9 years in toxic relationship with ftm man and we recently broke up, so I just naturally started looking around ???

But then, when I was talking with some guys I realized that I am so afraid of meeting them because ... what if I won't know what to do??

I am almost 30 and at this point I am afraid of trying and exploring. I am scared to death that other men would treat me as a women because what if I cann't pleasure them or I wil act like a female or too feminine or someone would try to hook up with me just to check what I am and what is like with ftm, and then just use me and start talking to / about me as 'she', and laughing at me that I have no rights to think I am a man, or not even talking about this, just thinking about it and looking at me with contempt... ?

 

Have you ever had these kind of thinking or situations? How to handle them if they would happened?

 

I think it is possible that my fears are related with my past experiences because most of men that knew about my ts was harrasing me or laughing at me, or wanted to beat me up. They were disgusted with me to the point I started hiding. ?

Once one guy was pretending to meet with me on a date and it turned out he wanted to beat me with his friends but luckily someone warned me sooner - but all of these kind of situations was like 10 years ago and I was hiding for 10 years of who I am (also my ftm ex, who was at the same time homophobic so it was really tough times for me because he was pretending that we are just friends etc and I wasn't supposed to hand out with lgbt people because he was afraid that everybody would know about us, so now I don't have any lgbt friends, at least not in real life). 


Now I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore but I just don't know what to do if someone will be trying to humiliate me. I don't know if I could handle it because I feel alone and I have only hetero conservative friends that for example don't know the difference between ts and drag queen. I have no one to talk to. ?


I am not accepting that I am trans because most of the time, most of the people didn't accept me to the point I started to hate myself and even now I understand this kind point of view. 

 

Recently I was chatting with some cis gays and some of them reject me when I told them who I am, also one of them started asking when I will have OP because other way there is no option that he will be treating me like I want to be treaten. It was very devastating for me and now I just don't know how to deal with my paranoia. 


What if someone want to meet me just to attack me? Current LGBT situation in Poland is just adding a fuel to the fire.

 

What would you do? ☹️
 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Actual talk of sex and sex acts are beyond the things we can discuss here since we do have members under 18 years old here.  Relations to people in general are fair game to be talking about but not how you will have sex with them. None of us on staff or membership are licensed therapists, so my first thought for you is to find a therapist who is comfortable talking about both Gay Sex and Gender Dysphoria who can help work you through your anxieties, which are real. You are probably going to have to go our of Poland on the internet where you may be able to find counselors who can help you from Germany or Holland.  Short of leaving Poland I see no other avenues, so for now, let your LGBTQ issues take a back seat and work on finding a way to get into a surrounding culture where you can be accepted. Those are based on my best vibrations based on being a California USA person.

Link to comment
  • Admin

First of all, Nolan, welcome to Trans Pulse.  I certainly empathize with your situation there; Poland and too many other European countries are getting to be terrible places to be in as an LGBT person.  I hope you can survive and thrive there, even if you have to stay more in the closet than you would like.

 

I don't have any experience related to what you are feeling, and what you fear.  I can't be much help.  One suggestion is that anyone you meet or want to date, please do so in a public place, like a coffee shop, where there are others around, and never go with more than one male.  Make sure someone knows who you are with and where you are going, and arrange a time to call them to tell them you're safe.  That will offer some protection.

 

I don't know if there are still LGBT centers in Poland, but if you can find one then maybe they can help with advice or help you find a therapist or counselor.  I wish you all the best, Nolan.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment

Hi, Nolan. I am also a mostly gay trans man, and I have had similar worries about dating men. I have been on a few dates with cis men, but they all seemed to not want to take it any further than a first date. And you know what? That’s fine, because it means that they aren’t ready for/don’t want to be in a relationship with a trans person, which means that we are not compatible anyway. 
I’m not from Poland, so I can’t relate too much to the paranoia that you must feel in such a transphobic environment, but I agree with Carolyn Marie that you should never go out with someone without letting someone you trust know exactly where you will be and that you should always meet in a very public place. Here in the US, I have been able to meet people in dating apps and let them know before I meet them that I am trans. This may or may not be ideal for you in Poland, though.

If you can’t find any lgbt support/friends in person where you are, make sure to reach out here in the forums. There are plenty of people who will talk with you about issues that you are facing. It’s happening right now, actually! 
Best wishes in your journey, and don’t hesitate to direct message me if you need to talk.

 

Trey

Link to comment

Hey Nolan

 

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. No one should have to worry about that. With what I've heard about what's going on in Poland I hope you can find a safe place and a good, supportive community.

 

Your worries are definitely valid. Dating as a trans person is scary. A few months ago I was seeing a guy that said he was accepting of me and after a few dates I went to his place and I left with new trauma (to put it lightly). I recommend heavy screening before meeting in person and if they answer with the slightest bit of transphobia, stop talking to them as a potential partner. I found that asking them about celebrities and how they view trans or nonbinary celebrities can give more accurate answers. If you ask them how they see you they are more likely to initially say as a man, but if you bring up a trans celebrity and they say something like "oh but they're a [sex assigned at birth]" then you need to get out of there. I think this is probably because it doesn't seem like a direct attack to them and they think you will only notice how they view you. Look for the microaggressions because they reveal more about a person than they realize. Casually ask them any question you can think of that could result in transphobic answers. If they pass this test then they will likely see you as a man. Doing this before they know you're trans can sometimes be even more accurate. I call this method "Fishing for Transphobes" because it decreases the number of fish in the sea. 

 

Then there is the question of a physical relationship. Obviously there are restrictions I can give you on tips, but I feel like it is important to realize that people come out at all ages. It is okay if you don't know what you are doing. Just let them know that you are knew to this side of things and if they respect you they will make sure you are comfortable and go at a pace you are okay with. I agree that if someone doesn't want to be with you until you get more surgeries done then they aren't the one for you. Maybe they can still be a friend, but I don't recommend a romantic or sexual relationship with a person like that. If they don't accept you as you are then it will only make you feel worse about yourself and you deserve someone that loves you for every part of you. 

 

If you are worried about attacks I recommend carrying pepper spray or an air horn or anything that can either be used in self defense or to alert others that you need help. Air horns aren't typically thought of as self defense weapon, but if you blow it while it's next to someone's ear it can do some damage. I don't know what sort of self defense items you are allowed to carry in Poland, but they can help at least make you feel more secure. If pepper spray isn't allowed I'm sure you are allowed spray hand sanitizer especially with the pandemic and I'd suspect the alcohol in hand sanitizer could do some damage to an attacker's eyes.

 

I hope this helps. 

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

This is something I worry about too -- what if I go through all of this and it makes me even less attractive to the people I see as my tribe?

 

But then I think that at least I'll be my real self. And I can't be any more single than I already am.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Even though I would like to pretend that I don't care what they say or think, deep down I know that isn't true. I am in the same boat, I have only been in a relationship with a trans guy, and I have no real idea how to break it to any cis person I might be dating that I am trans. I pass really well now, a luxury that not every guy has, but that means that there are more ignorant people I could grow close to and end up being burned. The idea that I could get so close to, even fall in love with some guy who preaches gay rights on every corner, only to be shunned when I come out scares me. It might not be as bad here as in Poland, but that doesn't mean that I haven't considered carrying around a first aid kit in case I get hate crimed. 

 

What sucks even more is that these people who are supposed to be kind and welcoming to all of us get the benefits of the community while refusing to check their bias and privilege at the door. For those people, I have a section of the LGBTQ+ just for them; the TRASH community..

T - Trolls

R - Racists

- Abusers

S - Suppressors/Supremacists

- Hateful

 

We can't make the whole world change, no matter how right we are and how wrong they are. There are gay men who just don't see us as real men, and for now we have to learn to cope. Be very careful with who you talk to. If you can talk to them online and are serious about them, first make sure to bring up some issues with the trans community to gauge their reaction. If they have a social media, search for anything they might have said regarding the issue. Proceed with caution, at the end of the day your safety matters most. Have a good day, and if you ever have any other concerns feel free to post and/or private message.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 87 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Breanne_O
    • MirandaB
    • MaybeRob
    • Ashley0616
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...