Dysphoria VS Dysmorphia VS Depression?

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

Hi there!

I've been really questioning my gender for the past month and I'm kinda confused. For context, I am AFAB, I was raised Roman Catholic, I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I've had a close brush with anorexia. I have always hated my body and the way I look. I used to think it was body dysmorphia, but I don't have visual distortions. I see myself as I am and I hate it. But I also have self esteem issues and depression and anxiety, so I don't know if it's just my pile of mental issues or gender dysphoria. I've always hated being stereo typically feminine. I hate pink and dresses and doing anything with my hair aside from brushing and washing it. I hate shaving anywhere and I hate high heels. I understand that anyone can like these things, but I've always hated them. I REFUSE to wear makeup, except for plays and such. I won't even cover up acne with concealer. Again, anyone can like these things, but in my culture and mind they are feminine, therefore I avoid them.

Someone please help me T_T

[Jackie C.]

My suggestion would be to get yourself to a gender therapist. However, you're only fourteen so that's going to take parental involvement. I don't know enough about your situation to tell if your guardian might go for that. If the world wasn't on fire right now, I'd suggest a school counselor why might at least point you in the right direction. I know that's a long shot. The counselor at my school was pretty useless, but I've been led to believe that not all of them are. ?

 

So the other issues? Those can also be a side-effect of gender dysphoria once puberty hits. You find yourself changing into something that's absolutely not right. Again though, I'm not a therapist. You need a professional who specializes in gender issues to help get you on the right track. In the meantime, we're always here when you need to vent.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

I had to go to the dictionary.  Thanks, I've got a new word: Dysmorphic.  As i considered that vs. dysphoria i had to look back on my journey.  As a male i rarely thought of bodily defects other than gender as a whole.  After transition i saw various flaws.  My hands and feet were too big,  I was too hairy,  too tall and my voice was too deep.  I spoke to a dear friend.  She said there wasn't any female that hadn't felt "imperfect".  She said drop it.  I do my best to do that and 9 years later i'm better or at least comfortable with my body.  I agree with Jackie.  Speaking to a GT can help immensely.  My time posting here and reading about others helped as well.  Just knowing i wasn't alone made a huge difference.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

@Jackie C. @Charlize I came out to my parents on Thursday (oof) and I'm pretty sure they think it's a phase. But they didn't cry, I thought they would, and my mom said she would cut my hair when I mentioned it getting too long (I've had a pixie cut for over a year but it's been becoming more like a mullet over quarantine.) She did on Saturday, and I really look like a boy! *insert happy queer noises* She also said she would get me dress pants for church and stuff when I said I hated wearing dresses. But when I started talking about why I think I'm a boy, she told me that she felt all of that in her childhood. What am I supposed to say to that?

I do see a therapist, but she doesn't specialize in gender therapy (is that what it's called?) and I really don't want to ask for another therapist. My parents haven't gotten my older siblings therapists even though they've been through just as much as I have. I want my family to have enough money for everyone who needs a therapist to get a therapist.

So I don't really think that my parents would get me a GT, even if I did work up the courage to ask. I really struggle with self doubt, but at this point I switch from being quite sure I'm a boy to not knowing what my gender is (oof.)

Thanks for listening.

[Jackie C.]

10 hours ago, IcamoutofthePANtry said:

I do see a therapist, but she doesn't specialize in gender therapy (is that what it's called?) and I really don't want to ask for another therapist. My parents haven't gotten my older siblings therapists even though they've been through just as much as I have. I want my family to have enough money for everyone who needs a therapist to get a therapist.

 

While a gender therapist would be ideal, it still doesn't hurt to talk to your current therapist about your gender issues. They might have more experience than you think or they could at least be willing to learn about your issues for your sake.

 

Congratulations on having at least semi-supportive parents though! That's a big hurdle and will make things much easier going forward.

 

I think your mother is conflating, "Gosh, boys get better stuff" ... which to be fair, they do ... with honest gender issues. It's a problem that crops up more than you think and something my therapist and I have talked about more than once as we've become closer friends. She has a bunch of MtF clients and part of her job is separating the actual trans people from the girls who just don't want to be girls anymore. An unfortunate truth of anglo (and to be fair, a lot of other societies) is that being a girl sucks. So there are girls that have been serially sexually abused and other trauma cases that don't want to be a girl anymore, but without actually being trans. Something that, as a society, we really need to work on.

 

Bit of a soapbox there. So yeah, back on topic. Congratulations! Good luck with your journey! Keep us posted and we're always here if you need support.

 

Hugs!

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

I'm really just trying to explore myself lol. But my mom did say something about getting a binder! I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so lucky to not have to worry about being hit or kicked out or being disowned or not being loved anymore. My family may not agree with me, but I don't have to worry about losing everything I have.

High key didn't expect my mom to be onboard with getting me a binder tho

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, IcamoutofthePANtry said:

My family may not agree with me, but I don't have to worry about losing everything I have.

Yeah, don’t count them out just yet. It’s still so early in the game. They may come around in time. Once they see you've become a happier person, they may start responding in an much more accepting way.  Even minimal support of family is better than none. Congrats on taking that next step on your journey.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Tori M]

Hi T_T,

 

It sounds like you have valid reasons for your questioning and confusion.  I was 14 when I first had the same feelings and I also suffered depression and anxiety.  It scared me to question my very identity and although I was seeing a therapist at the time for my emotional problems, I did not bring up my gender feelings.  In the ensuing years, the gender questioning only got stronger.  It wasn't until I was near 30 when, again seeing a therapist for anxiety, I finally mentioned my gender dysphoria.  She immediately referred me to a sex/gender therapist who, with no hesitation, took me into therapy and helped me start hormones.

 

On 7/14/2020 at 6:01 PM, IcamoutofthePANtry said:

But when I started talking about why I think I'm a boy, she told me that she felt all of that in her childhood. What am I supposed to say to that?

 

What I'm about to say is not science and I've seen no medical evidence or even discussion of it, ok?!  I've had to wonder about the genetic possibilities of gender dysphoria.  In my family, I know of a great aunt who was reportedly "very tomboyish" (she was young in the 1940's), a half-brother with very noticeable feminine aspects (though he remains a guy in a life filled with anguish and drug addiction), a gay first cousin, and another AFAB first cousin who I have little doubt is trans but never came out and ID's as "closeted bi".  Depression and anxiety runs amok throughout my immediate family tree.  Just coincidence?.... hard to say.

 

It sounds like you have the tools, self-awareness, and support you need to pursue resolving your conflicts.  Expect it to take a while to sort everything out, and don't hesitate to discuss these things you've said here with your therapist.  Waiting will most likely not help.  If your therapist thinks you need a more specialized gender therapist, leave that up to your parents to work out.  You are not responsible for making decisions about your family's resources!  In the meantime, you seem comfortable (happy?) to share your thoughts and feelings with us here and that can be very helpful in sorting out and validating your feelings, so just keep on doing what you are doing.  I wish you the best!

 

Hugs,

Tori

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

I have talked to my current therapist about my feelings of dysphoria, and she has been equal parts helpful and frustrating. It's not that she's transphobic or doesn't believe me, but she asks questions that make me question myself all over again. I'm not angry with her, more just frustrated at my self doubt. She's a great match for me and I need to be asked those sorts of questions.

Also, Y'ALL. This morning, my mom told me SHE HAD BEEN THINKING ABOUT MASCULINE NAMES FOR ME. She suggested a name that I don't like, but Y'ALL.

I'm high key so excited. Maybe she thinks it's phase, maybe she doesn't. Bur she's doing what she can to make me more comfortable and that makes me SO HAPPY!

I'm blessed to have a family that respects me, even if they don't agree with me, which of course they might come around, but I'll never have to worry about losing them.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, IcamoutofthePANtry said:

Also, Y'ALL. This morning, my mom told me SHE HAD BEEN THINKING ABOUT MASCULINE NAMES FOR ME. She suggested a name that I don't like, but Y'ALL.

 

That's promising! Though she was WAY off on your name the first time around. Can she be trusted with your masculine name after that? ?

 

Maybe when she sees how much happier you are, she'll come 'round.

 

Hugs!

[Lexi C]

Hey 

SUPER CONGRATS. that like the hardest thing to do is to come out, everything else is easy  peasy. Well expect for a surgery or two. But your mom rocks. She is really try which is wonderful and  endearing . I am not going to lie.. it made me cry and smile.

 

Your in the right path, keep using those instincts, relay on yr wonderful mom. Maybe if your parents are up to it...have then come to one or two of therapist session. So happy you have support and I am amazed at your courage. Much Lv 

 

[Tori M]

2 hours ago, IcamoutofthePANtry said:

I have talked to my current therapist about my feelings of dysphoria, and she has been equal parts helpful and frustrating. It's not that she's transphobic or doesn't believe me, but she asks questions that make me question myself all over again. I'm not angry with her, more just frustrated at my self doubt. She's a great match for me and I need to be asked those sorts of questions.

 

Exactly.  That's what she's supposed to do.  The answers don't come easy but they will come in time.  You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, you'll figure it out.  And your family sounds great!

[IcamoutofthePANtry]

You are all so nice! ? My therapist did talk to my mom a bit, and I would love for my parents to some of the sessions. I'm a little bit salty because when my sister heard that I came out to our parents she said, "Well THAT was a mistake."

What a beach.

I love her tho. She's just had some bad experiences, poor child. My other sister (I actually have 3 sisters and a brother) has started referring to me with only male pronouns to her friends (after asking me of course.) We love confusing people by talking about her brother, but nobody knows it's me lol. One of her friends was like "Does he have a name?"

And she said no.

Because I don't have my name picked out yet.

I love my family.

[Lexi C]

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