a spontaneous and unexpected coming out

[Tory Aoi]

There's a concert band in my home town that I've participated in for a very long time.  They have their concert season every summer and I've been friends with their director and his family for almost 30 years.  Lately I've had a struggle with wanting to participate for personal reasons.  In coming  to accept myself as I really am, being someone fake has become painful and especially to anyone that wants to even consider me a friend.  Add to that feeling that there are painful childhood memories associated with my home town so it just made things difficult.  Much of it stems from my parents, but I just had this notion that this group, being in a small town in as Midwest America as you can get, would never accept the real me.

 

A little over a week ago was their first concert of the season, which was delayed due to COVID.  The director was of course asking me about my plans for the remainder of the season, but I was feeling hesitant to commit much and I told him we'd talk more after the concert.  So when we finished, and folks were putting things away he sat down with me and looked right at me with an expression I was not expecting - one of sincere concern and worry.  He could tell something was really bothering me.  Was it so obvious? Am I so easy to read?  So I started explaining what was going on, difficulties my wife has with my family, how painful it actually is to come to that town.  But I was leaving out key things, and that made me wonder if I was making things confusing.  As I told him about how my parents really are, how they actually treated me, he nodded and confirmed with me that he had noticed something was odd about them but he never could tell what it was.  He said that family shouldn't treat their children the way I was, and that I could always think of the folks in the concert band as family instead.

 

Something about the way he said all that, it touched me and my defenses dropped.  And I said "even if I'm not the person you think I am?  If who I really is shocking?"  He said it wouldn't shock him, but I was so fearful and hesitant.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and then simply said it plain and simple.  I said "I'm transgender."  What came next actually shocked me.  He didn't laugh, he didn't judge, he simply nodded in complete and perfect understanding and said that that was perfectly fine, that I am who I am, and no one else could tell me who that person is.  I didn't have to explain to him the difficulties behind it, the shame and ridicule I've had to deal with all my life, he showed sincere empathy and not once during our conversation did he even try to contradict my reality.  No instead he reaffirmed it all, wanted to know my name as I've come to identify myself by.  It was all so strange, but it was like an avalanche of emotions and support I just did not see coming.  Coming out to him wasn't in my plan, but it happened.  I actually felt an immense sense of relief in telling him, and he told me it was an honor for him to be trusted with this.  It gave me a lot of hope, and I know hope is dangerous sometimes but it really did make a difference to me.

 

I've unfortunately been unable to go back for the remainder of the season due to other personal reasons, but the whole experience has now drawn my thoughts to my parents and the debate that has been raging in my head for a very long time.  Tell them or not?  And what I am finding welling up inside of me is anger towards them, anger for the feelings of shame I've had about being transgender and how my parents had a role in shaping that.  Anger when I think about the director of that concert band, and how I was able to talk to him about these things and the big question "why the -expletive- can't my parents do this for me? Why can't they see me?"  I feel like maybe I should tell them now, but there's so much anger right now is that really something I want to throw at them?  I'm not sure what to say as far as what they deserve, but I know I just can't be the person my parents want me to be anymore.

[Jackie C.]

I've found that most people are either supportive ... sometimes weirdly so ... or they just don't care one way or another. Unfortunately, we remember the few that took offense. Especially if they're close to us.

 

Personally, I'd wait on the parents if you expect drama. If they notice and ask, then I'd be honest, but if they can't support you they don't really need to be a part of your life. Your found family... the people that love you no matter what... are way more important than the people that put their comfort above yours.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

Tory I'm glad to hear you were able to speak openly with the band director and that it was a good experience.  Unfortunately sometimes our families have (or seem to) too much invested in the way we are to them and they can't let go of that persona.  I agree with Jackie about holding on about telling your parents.  Not worth the stress if you know they will not support you 100%. Look out for yourself.

 

Jani

[SaraAW]

I agree with Jani, those closest to us have the largest adjustment required because of their investment. This, my wife keeps reminding me of, is why she is still not able to accept me fully as I am. It will be a year next month since I came out to her. Everyone moves through the grieving process at different rates.

 

As for telling your parents, I am again with Jani and Jackie, if there is no real benefit to you in telling them and finding out finally one way or another whether they will support you. It would be much better to build a good solid support system from those you know will likely be on your side, before you come out to your parents, if you're doubting it will go well.

[Tory Aoi]

Oh I will unlikely say anything to my parents, at this point I'm just ruminating over my childhood, and perhaps in some ways I've been needing to grieve over the reality of what happened to me all those years ago.  I have my independence, I am building that support network up, I have a lot going for me.  I neither want nor do I need anything from my parents at this point.  Basically my motivation, if I examine it carefully, is more out of spite and that is of course not the right reasons.

 

The thing is, I've never really had much of a close relationship with my parents.  And yet, over the past 10 years or so my mother has been trying to have that with me.  I've tried to be tolerant of her, but what she wants is a person that does not exist.  Her attempts actually painful to me, they make me want to scream sometimes.  As for my dad, well, it's like he's just in the background and I have no idea what he really thinks or feels.

 

I guess what it comes down to, when I open up to friends and I'm met with actual kindness and acceptance, I sometimes can't help but think of what I've had (or not had) with my parents and it just feels like a very massive injustice.  And that's when I start to get very angry.

 

 

[KayC]

Hi @Tory Aoi.  Thank you for sharing.  Your story made me cry ... actually shed tears (not just feeling of crying).  I am really happy you could unburden yourself to somebody who fortunately turned out to be compassionate and understanding.

In the long run, this is the true benefit of therapy.  I hope you can find access (and support from your family in necessary) to pursue therapy where you can finally travel in an non-judgemental and supportive environment.

 

Hugs❣️

[Lexi C]

Hey tori

So I'm taken a different approach.

Tell your parents. But first find a good TG therapist, invite your parents to join in sessions . The best place i have found to tell fam  or friends that your TG is in a supportive environment. I am going to be really with you. if you keep hide your true self it will eventually disappear . You're young and its best to start living now and enjoy your new live, then waiting until your old and never having a live.. Be safe, Be Proud and Kick Ass

[Susan R]

@Tory Aoi

Wow! as @KayC mentioned, your story was very moving. I can relate to the feeling of letting it out and getting a wonderful response you did not expect. This happened to me and it’s was like a 100 pounds being lifted off my shoulders.  You deserve affirmation and I think your gut told you this person was going to be the one. What a great feeling that must have been.

As for your parents, like others mentioned, You might take a pause before breaking the news to your parents. Get a little more ‘coming out’ experiences under your belt and then find the right time to tell them.  I think once you get to a point where you no longer depend on your parent in any way, you might consider at least giving them their one chance. Everyone deserves at least one chance to accept you, imho. But if they’re never told, you’ve made it impossible for them ever to make the right choice or any choice in that case.

I also like the idea @Lexi C brought up with the idea of having them join in a session or two with your counselor. In a controlled setting such as that, you may feel safer and able to better control the narrative. You’ll also have your counselor there as a support if emotions become overwhelming for you and you need someone in your corner.

 

Thank you for sharing this update. I enjoy good news. I am so happy that you had this experience. May you have many more.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Tory Aoi]

19 hours ago, Susan R said:

 I think once you get to a point where you no longer depend on your parent in any way,

 

I'm sorry, I'm trying to sort this comment out.  What was it that I said that would lead you to believe I'm dependent on them?  If something I said was confusing, I do apologize for that.

 

As for giving them another chance, I'm honestly not so sure. At the stage I'm at in my life, I'd rather they leave me in peace to live the life I want to live.  They've actually had multiple chances to get to know things about me, not even considering gender identity, only for me to have been dismissed, ignored or neglected.  To some it can seem small, but it happened a lot and it still hurts to this day.

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, Tory Aoi said:

I'm sorry, I'm trying to sort this comment out.  What was it that I said that would lead you to believe I'm dependent on them?  If something I said was confusing, I do apologize for that.

This was an unfortunate assumption on my part. I thought your parents approval meant a lot to you and that you may be emotionally dependent on their approval of you when I read this.

On 7/14/2020 at 12:55 PM, Tory Aoi said:

the big question "why the -expletive- can't my parents do this for me? Why can't they see me?"

I‘m very sorry if this hurt you in some way. This was never my intention.

[KayC]

On 7/15/2020 at 4:55 AM, Tory Aoi said:

I'm not sure what to say as far as what they deserve, but I know I just can't be the person my parents want me to be anymore.

Hi Tory.   @Susan R's has always been a source of sincere intentions on this Forum.  In fact, we are all here doing our best to support each other, and we appreciate your openness in sharing your experience.
 

I can't give you any specific advice about your parents because this is your unique relationship .. but I can tell you this ..

 

Being a parent .. unless there is an abusive relationship in the family, I can guarantee you the one thing EVERY parents wants is for their child to live a safe and HAPPY life.  That's it.  Unfortunately what that Life looks like to them will be colored by their emotions of being your parents.

Our relationship with our parents (good or bad) is the deepest, most complex relationship we will probably every have (from both ends).  The difficult part of this, is as the child (even when adult) we can only see them as Parents.  When, in actuality they are Imperfect Humans, who just happen to be our parents.
And conversely, they will always see you as their child, regardless of your age or accomplishments.

You have a right to be your own person (we all do).  With that in mind, regardless of how they react when you finally find the right time and way to Come Out to them ... just always hold Love in your heart for them.  Its a much better place than Resentment❤️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Jackie C.]

9 hours ago, Tory Aoi said:

As for giving them another chance, I'm honestly not so sure. At the stage I'm at in my life, I'd rather they leave me in peace to live the life I want to live.  They've actually had multiple chances to get to know things about me, not even considering gender identity, only for me to have been dismissed, ignored or neglected.  To some it can seem small, but it happened a lot and it still hurts to this day.

 

I completely understand. My parents are the same way. It's one of the reasons I talk to my therapist every week instead of calling "home." I haven't seen my parents in years. I don't miss them.

 

Hugs!