Coming to terms with my NB identity (impostor syndrome?)

[pastelcryptid]

Hi, I'm Margot. I'm a bit nervous, and recently I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking about my gender, and that and actually being friends with two people who have recently come out as non-binary has made me want to reach out and seek the experiences of others in the community, to see if maybe there's some common situations to mine. Sorry that this is so long.

My experience of coming to terms with my gender is very similar and I think very linked to my experience in coming out as bisexual. I was terrified of my sexuality for years, and didn't come out properly until my early 20s. I suppressed feelings related to my sexuality all the time before I came out, even as I identified and clung so strongly to any representation of non-heterosexual people, characters or relationships I could. Even denying who I was and how I felt, I knew that something about seeing that representation made me feel happy, hopeful and in some way fulfilled, even when I couldn't accept that it was because it reflected me.

Between hang ups that I had about my appearance during puberty (because I was feeling the pressure of matching the "ideal" female look, both in terms of being on the chubbier side, and also because sometimes I wasn't focused on looking my best at school, because I was severely depressed and the main thing was just getting there), and the unspoken fear of being perceived in any way as "abnormal", I was afraid of anything that could constitute me as masculine, something which I think I feared could make it more obvious that I was queer, and also make me more hated by the people already bullying me. I was shamed into shaving my leg/arm hair even though it didn't bother me, and one of my bullies said he thought I must have a penis. I was often made to feel as if I was being bullied not because I was geeky, or even being slightly overweight (something that possibly went unnoticed because of my "hourglass" figure), but because I was something else. Something contagious or subhuman. But even though I love femininity, love many traditionally "girly" things and always wanted to perform that, I couldn't even embrace that to try and "protect" myself. I had too much self-loathing about (in my mind) not being skinny enough or pretty enough to carry it off. So instead I tried to make myself as invisible as possible.

A lot of the experiences that made me fear embracing my sexuality also made me fear embracing my masculine side. When I was a child, I often wanted to be a boy. I wanted a penis. I wanted to present as one and be accepted as one by other boys. Although I lacked the ability at the time to understand this is what I wanted, it's something that I now realise upon reflection. I could rough house and play quite happily with the other boys on the playground, even if they sometimes seemed bewildered by my presence and behaviour. I was disappointed that I -always- had to play the girl part in games with male friends. But then again, as I grew, I began to realise that this "masculine" tendency in myself was often met with negative responses. When I was in elementary school, I went into the boys toilets once by choice, but another boy caught me in there and told the teacher and it was incredibly upsetting. I felt a very strong sense that I'd done something "wrong", that I had gone to a place I wasn't supposed to go into even though it was just a room nearly identical to the girls toilets opposite. Also, as I grew up, I feared the perceived masculine traits exposed my sexuality. I made a comment as a preteen that could've been construed as me expressing interest in a girl, and my mum said with distaste "that's something that a man would say." So, I covered myself often by leaning into the feminine side of me, the "half" that loved traditionally feminine things and experienced real joy from them.

I started doing cosplay in my youth, which made me more confident about my body and able to feel confident and pretty performing femininity. It was like half of the mask was coming off. When I finally had the courage to cosplay as a boy - something I had been terrified of, as I was scared it would "break" my accepted femininity - I found that I loved it. I loved the feel of it, how I looked, and I realised that I experienced real happiness from being perceived as male. Interestingly, the same problem I had with bisexuality - when I was young people didn't talk about it much, you were either Gay or Straight, which led me to confusion as I liked all genders - I had the same problem with understanding I could be nonbinary. I was aware of the concept of being transgender as a child, but only regarding someone who knows they are male OR knows they are female, with no in between. I thought I couldn't have a common ground there, because I didn't know I was male - I didn't know I was anything. 

More recently, though, gaining more confidence about my appearance, I more or less stopped cosplay but I started to slowly incorporate more masculine looks into my every day wardrobe. It was scary at first, but it made me feel happy and comfortable in a way that I couldn't quite put into words. As I started to consider that maybe I could be nonbinary, I looked back at how I felt as a child, what I wanted before I was shamed out of it. I also realised that not only did I feel an affinity to representations of non-heterosexual romance/sexuality, but any time I saw alternative gender expression whether it was from gender non-conforming individuals, or cis men and women doing drag. I felt that longing.

I now present myself in basically the way I want to depending on the day. Sometimes I'm very traditionally feminine and accentuate my cleavage, some days I bind and dress and style myself traditionally masculine. Some days I'm in between. I've tentatively started telling people close to me that I think I'm genderfluid. and I finally feel like I'm representing the real version of myself, like both halves of the mask have come off. I feel more free and true. But also, sometimes I get - for lack of a better word - impostor syndrome, which is why I'm here, I suppose. Even though it brings me so much joy and makes me feel free, and this identity makes SO much sense to who I am, sometimes I'm afraid I'm infringing on somewhere I don't belong. I don't know if other people here feel this way.

Anyway, well done if you got through all that ?

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums your story is actually pretty standard for us here. Accepting ourselves and who we are and who we are likely to love, even if it is no one other than ourselves is a major step.  In time the thing unravels and that is when it gets good for us and those around us.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Margot,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[SaraAW]

Hi Margot and welcome to the forums!