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Bit of an update from me.


TransMex

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TransMex

Hello. It's me again. I've been debating whether I should post again for some time now. I don't want to seem self centered or like I'm asking for people's attention again and again. However I seem to keep feeling lower and lower to no end.

Here's what has changed since the last time: I was finally able to see a psychiatrist, they increased the doses of the two medications I take. They're now doubled but I didn't take much to begin with. My psychiatrist gave me a gender dysphoria diagnosis and I am now asking for prices for the tests to hopefully start HRT rather soon. I received word from the plastic surgeons that I asked about the procedures I wish to have done, unfortunately the prices were far more expensive than I was hoping, dashing any chance I have of getting anything done any time soon. I am now practicing translation by translating videos through youtube's system, with hopes that it will be an useful skill to earn more money for surgeries.

Most of those things are positive so you'd think I'd be feeling better but it has been the opposite. My mental health continues to decline. I guess I really am placing most of my hope for a future on the surgeries, but I have to wait for that and my resources are still very limited. I am trying to work on getting more money but I am doing a terrible job of it. I seem to have so little energy for anything but moping and lamenting my situation and I worry that I am simply too lazy and too stupid to get the things I want. And I just cannot stop the thought that I will never look the way I want to. I just cannot stop thinking of my face as a malformed mound of flesh, preventing me from living my life. If my face had been different I could've lived but I was given this and so I was denied everything. There is not one positive thought in my mind. Not one.

I think I need to get hormones, I don't know if there's a limit to how long I can bear these feelings but if there is I'm moving towards it quick, hormones maybe could make me feel that I am making some progress at least. I just don't see them fixing my face. It's just too much, I was given nothing in terms of femininity, except my lips maybe. I feel like I'm at the end of my life.

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As long as you are alive there will be time to keep trying Mex. Nothing worth having is easy. If it was, you wouldn't appreciate the journey at all I suspect. You are probably far more critical of yourself than is deserved. Medicine works wonders and besides, the last thing I feel from your words is that you really want to give up. I know you are unhappy but, you will feel better with each little step you take towards your goal. I really hope you can learn to be kind to yourself. You can get through this. Just keep posting and asking for support. It's very good for the spirit and your experiences may help other's someday too. ?

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Mex, never feel bad about posting here. That’s what this forum is for.

 

Not looking the way that you want to look is a very difficult thing. Remember, though, that nobody is completely happy with how they look, even picture-perfect celebrities. Everyone has things about their appearance that they wish they could change. It is probably harder for trans people, of course, but try not to think that you have to look a certain way to be feminine and be who you truly are. Women come in all shapes, sizes, and varieties; and there is no one “right” way to look like or to be a woman.

It sounds like you are making progress in getting on hormones, which is a great thing. And keep talking to your therapist about your depression. It won’t get better without self-advocacy. I can see that you want to feel better and continue living.

 

I sincerely hoe that you do.

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Jackie C.

Hey @TransMex! You're always welcome to post here. That's what the forum is for! You post and we answer questions and offer support. Be as chatty as you like, especially when you're feeling low.

 

I'm familiar with the "OMG, I'm never going to get what I need," emotional tailspin. When I thought GCS was out of reach, I learned that I can cry so hard that no sound comes out. I found the cure to be progress. Don't focus on what you can't do, focus on the things that you can do. Moving towards your goal, no matter how small the step is, does wonders. Make a plan then execute. Prioritize. You won't be able to get everything at once, so work on the things that you can change and work towards the things that you can't change YET. Roadblocks are just setbacks. Pick the one thing that bothers you the most and work towards that. For example, it sounds like you have a LOT of dysphoria regarding your face. Start with what you can do, then work your way towards the things you need to change. Be prepared to revise your plan if you need to. For example, in the beginning I thought that FFS was in my future. Now that I've been on hormones a while, I realize that I actually like the person I see in the mirror. I don't see any need for FFS now. I'm still considering having my breasts done, but I'm going to see how they turn out first. They're still growing after all.

 

Name changes, gender markers, HRT, even buying a new cute top. All these things are progress and did wonders for banking the fires of my depression.

 

Hugs!

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  • 2 weeks later...
TransMex

Hello everyone. Sorry for not responding to everyone this time. My mind is a mess these days and whenever I start to write things I seem to think of a hundred different things at once. The one tought that is consistent in my mind is suicide. The one thing that keeps repeating in my head is to kill myself, kill myself, kill myself. I seem to be trying to convince myself to do it.

 

I can't bring myself to feel hope anymore. Whenever I cry I get no catharsis I only sink deeper. I don't think I can get the things I want the most anymore, and I don't think I'm strong enough to get the money I need for surgeries to try and make a future with what I can have. I don't know if life has anything to offer me anymore. Or maybe it's me that won't manage to get anything out of it, because I am weak and lazy. Either way there's nothing left in this world for me.

 

I'm sorry everyone, for constantly ignoring your words of encouragement and your reminders that women look many different ways. I'm doing my best to move forward at least a little, I'm currently waiting to get the results of my tests. I should get them on monday, and then I'll be able to schedule an appointment with the endocrinologist I found and maybe start hormones. But I feel just as hopeless as before even when I think about that. It's my face. It's just that I'm convinced that the hormones won't be able to fix it and that I can't live as a woman with it. Why am I so obsessed with this? The greatest wish in my heart is to look like the women I see on twitter and outside but it seems to be the one thing that has been denied to me. Why do I feel like I cannot go on living because I can't have that? It's not like I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world or anything I just don't want to look like this. I don't want this face. I want to look like my cousins. Like my aunts. Like my mother.

 

I should be working so hard to at least try to get close to that, even if I get it when I'm 27 it's better than never getting anything at all, right? It's just that I can never seem to get myself to do anything but waste my time looking for things to entertain my mind instead. I just waste all of my time instead of working for the little hope I have. But when I start thinking about how much I wish I had spent at least the last few years as a young woman and how much I wish I'd worn dresses and cute clothes as a kid and how unlikely it seems that I'll look even close to the way I want, I can't bear those toughts and I start wishing I wasn't alive, and I start trying to convince myself to end my suffering. And so I run away constantly instead. Or maybe I am simply one of the laziest people in the world. I tell myself the reason I've not achieved anything so far is because I've been carrying these feelings all my life but I don't know if that's true. Maybe I am just lazy and so I have not achieved anything nor will I ever achieve anything.

Sorry for the wall of text, like I said my mind starts thinking of a hundred different things when I start writing here.

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Hey Mex your only 27. I didn't start to full transition until 3year ago. I am 57.

Your young which is the best time I think to start transition.

I am not sure if you are American Citizen or not. Your grammar is well verse. But if you are and you live in Cali. I would look at trying to get on The Affordable  Care Health plan or Obama ( Heath Care L.A) plan .

They will pay for HRT , Gender therapist  and if you qualify they will pay up to 80% of all your surgeries , which included, Female Fascial Feminization , Vocal, Breast and you bottom. 

Regardless, Hardest part ( for me) in my transition is moving forward, not giving up or in to my  dysphoria. The easiest  part is giving up.

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

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Jackie C.

Hey @TransMex! I'm glad to see that you're still with us.

 

Real talk? That's your depression gnawing at your ear. It makes it harder to focus. It makes it hard to love yourself. It makes it hard to pursue your dreams. I get it. I've been where you are. You feel hopeless. Alone. Afraid. You just want to put your burden down. You need the hurting to stop. I let that go on until I was forty-eight. Don't do that, it was a terrible idea.

 

So yeah, the first steps are the hardest. You need to be talking to a therapist. They don't have to be a gender therapist. That would be ideal, but learning to love yourself is a very important step on your journey. I realize that the depression makes it very hard to take care of yourself, but that first step: Talking to a therapist, helped a lot. Hormones helped a little more. Every step made things just a little better. It got a little easier to take care of myself. It got a little easier to pursue my dreams again. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better. Every little step helps. After you force yourself to take that first step, every step after comes just a little easier.

 

HRT should help with the mental static too. Once you can think again, it will be easier for you to plan and work towards your goals. In the meantime, we're always here if you need to talk, OK?

 

I can see that pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror more often than not. It's a great feeling. I want you to have that feeling too.

 

Hugs!

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Charlize

Max it can all start to get better with a call to a therapist.  Even coming  and posting here takes a great deal of effort.  I remember that but after a bit i signed up because i wanted to share.  It helped me to do so.  Then folks told me about therapy.  It was hard but after a bit i did that as well.  The therapist helped.  Each seemingly tiny step moved me forward.  Perhaps the trick was taking one step at a time.

I'm glad you are sharing with us!  Please feel free to continue.  I and many others here understand how you feel.  We've been, and at times still are, in the same spot.

Keep reaching out.  We are here to help as are the folks at the chatrooms.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

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TransMex
12 hours ago, Lexi C said:

Hey Mex your only 27. I didn't start to full transition until 3year ago. I am 57.

Your young which is the best time I think to start transition.

I am not sure if you are American Citizen or not. Your grammar is well verse. But if you are and you live in Cali. I would look at trying to get on The Affordable  Care Health plan or Obama ( Heath Care L.A) plan .

They will pay for HRT , Gender therapist  and if you qualify they will pay up to 80% of all your surgeries , which included, Female Fascial Feminization , Vocal, Breast and you bottom. 

Regardless, Hardest part ( for me) in my transition is moving forward, not giving up or in to my  dysphoria. The easiest  part is giving up.

Be safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

Hello Lexi. Thank you for your comment. I'm not 27 yet, I'm 25, but I have to let go of these two years too, before I can try to fix my face. I don't have enough money yet. In truth, I've known I want to be a woman since I was 18, but I was much more ignorant about these things back then and I didn't think there was anything I could do about my face, so I wasted those years simply asking god to make me wake up the next day as a woman. I regret that I allowed that to happen, but I don't know if I could've gotten any help back then anyway.

I'm not American, I live in Mexico. It means I struggle to find doctors who treat people like me, even if I'm willing to pay full costs. I will be paying 100% of anything I get.

 

6 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Hey @TransMex! I'm glad to see that you're still with us.

 

Real talk? That's your depression gnawing at your ear. It makes it harder to focus. It makes it hard to love yourself. It makes it hard to pursue your dreams. I get it. I've been where you are. You feel hopeless. Alone. Afraid. You just want to put your burden down. You need the hurting to stop. I let that go on until I was forty-eight. Don't do that, it was a terrible idea.

 

So yeah, the first steps are the hardest. You need to be talking to a therapist. They don't have to be a gender therapist. That would be ideal, but learning to love yourself is a very important step on your journey. I realize that the depression makes it very hard to take care of yourself, but that first step: Talking to a therapist, helped a lot. Hormones helped a little more. Every step made things just a little better. It got a little easier to take care of myself. It got a little easier to pursue my dreams again. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better. Every little step helps. After you force yourself to take that first step, every step after comes just a little easier.

 

HRT should help with the mental static too. Once you can think again, it will be easier for you to plan and work towards your goals. In the meantime, we're always here if you need to talk, OK?

 

I can see that pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror more often than not. It's a great feeling. I want you to have that feeling too.

 

Hugs!

Hi Jackie, thanks for your comment. I know I should be talking to a therapist but I just can't cover the costs while maintining any hope of getting surgeries. I'll already be putting a dent in my plans by paying for the hormones and endocrinologist. The state does offer free psychiatric healthcare but that's completely frozen with the pandemic and back when I did get it I was seeing my psychiatrist about twice a year anyway, so getting it for free is really not an option.

I'm really betting big on the hormones. I really hope they make me feel better and maybe fix my face a little, because if I start getting even bigger mood swings and suicidal ideation I don't know what could happen.

 

4 hours ago, Charlize said:

Max it can all start to get better with a call to a therapist.  Even coming  and posting here takes a great deal of effort.  I remember that but after a bit i signed up because i wanted to share.  It helped me to do so.  Then folks told me about therapy.  It was hard but after a bit i did that as well.  The therapist helped.  Each seemingly tiny step moved me forward.  Perhaps the trick was taking one step at a time.

I'm glad you are sharing with us!  Please feel free to continue.  I and many others here understand how you feel.  We've been, and at times still are, in the same spot.

Keep reaching out.  We are here to help as are the folks at the chatrooms.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Charlize, thank you for your comment. I'm glad you understand how I feel. I'll try not to feel  too guilty for constantly bringing up the same points over and over again. It's just that I feel immense pain constantly and sometimes it spills out.

 

Like I said above, I am unable to pay for a psychiatrist while keeping any realistic chance of getting surgeries. At least that's the case with my current income of 220 dollars a month. I don't know if choosing hormones over therapy is the right choice but I don't know if the therapists here can help me much either, I would assume that most of them know nothing about trans people. So far whenever I talk to them about how I feel they insist I should not care about my appearance, and simply live as I want. I'm glad to know of cases of people that don't feel bad about their appearance and are able to live as women happily without need of surgeries or even hormones sometimes, and when I see them I never see anything but a woman. But I don't feel that way myself. My face and my body cause me immense dysphoria. Do you think something is wrong with me? Should I be able to live as I want regardless of my appearance as my therapists have said? Should I be happy if I pass even only slightly, even if I feel I don't look like the women around me? Is it me that is the problem?

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, TransMex said:

So far whenever I talk to them about how I feel they insist I should not care about my appearance, and simply live as I want.

 

While technically good advice, that's not really how dysphoria works. Shame on them for not knowing that.

 

A lot of presentation is about confidence. Again, I know how hard that is to come by in the grips of depression. On the plus side, HRT can certainly have some effects on your face. It did on mine. Had you met me three years ago, you'd think I was a different person.

So about building confidence. I started with unisex clothing (it was all I had), stuffed my bra a bit, put on my wig and... went to the mailbox. That was it.

My second trip, I got dressed and... put gas in my car.

The third trip was grocery shopping. I definitely got clocked on that one. The side-eye I got from my cashier was epic. I handled it by going home and working on my presentation some more.

My point is that presentation is about faking it until you make it.

 

That said, if you think you would be in danger if you got clocked, safety first. Only practice in safe spaces if you can.

 

After two years of HRT, I'm (at least) a head taller than all my female friends. I have small breasts and hips like a snake. While still a little envious, I feel like just one of the girls.

 

Hugs!

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Charlize

When i  was a younger person i was totally unable to accept myself.  Much of that was due to the climate at that time.  There simply were no trans folks around.  If i had a chance to dress i couldn't look at my face in the mirror.  Maybe a skirt, my legs or chest (augmented) could pass but i saw a guy in the mirror.  HRT has helped but more importantly was a growth confidence.  As Jackie mentioned confidence took a great deal of time.  I got wigs and finally went outside, scared to death.  I lived with that fear most of my life.  Just as you describe i was depressed but once i found this site found support and really started to try i somehow slowly have lost that fear.  It wasn't an easy journey.  No magic pills like in my dreams, but one little step at a time has given me peace.

Hang in there.  It gets better

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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TransMex

Thanks to you both again, @Charlize & @Jackie C.. I'm doing my best to let your words enter my mind, to get it into my head that being confident will help me. I'm thinking of why I've seemingly ignored those words in the past and why I seem to have a tendency to do so once more. I'm trying to keep my mind open to the possibility that I have some sort of bias, that maybe there's a part of me that's not reasoning things correctly or that there's a problem beyond the way my face looks that's preventing me from believing in those words fully.

The only thing I can think of is the fact that I am convinced my face is nearly impossible to interpret as feminine. I just wish I would look naturally female, like the girls I see all around me, such that I could dress like them without worrying about the death rate of trans people in Mexico or about whether others see me as a woman or not.

 

I'm almost convinced that my assessment of the masculinity of my face and the fact that it'll be nearly impossible to convince others that it is a female face is 100% objective. After all, I have all the signs of a face changed by testosterone. And in the end, I just can't picture myself looking like the girls around me, wearing any clothes I want or following trends or fashions. I'm just so sure that people will only see a grown man pretending to be a young girl. I just want to BE like them. I mean, I can't be that young anymore, I let too much time go by for that. But I feel I am still so far removed from the possibility of wearing whatever I want and feeling no dysphoria when I look at my body. I don't know that anything but surgeries will help me. I cannot stop thinking about the way my brow furrows and protrudes from my face, covering my eyes like a roof, the slight broadness of my nose or, worst of all, the way my cheeks droop. I don't think I can get over those obstacles with only hormones and confidence. I'm convinced that I am cursed to never see a woman when I look in the mirror, because I'll never be able to have enough surgeries.

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TransMex

I compare the way I look with how other women look a lot. That's practically all I do all day at this point. I want to look like them.

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Hey Mex

We all do that. Jackie is right it dose  take a lot of confidence and courage to wake up and be happy with you. 

I know that sounds like some stupid Hallmark bull, but 2 yr ago i was ready to end it. I get the bills the booze  and wrote out a will. I took the bills drank the booze.

Had the craziest nightmare. The next day i did not die,, i piss off. But it gave me some hope.

Today i still get depress but not as bad and i stop judge myself against other CIS.

Just head down , work save,  continue to fight  medical for my surgeries and work out.

 

Be safe, be proud and be happy being you

 

 

 

 

 

 

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TransMex

I don't know if I'm going to make it to the surgeries, or even the effects of the hormones. I was not given a single ounce of beauty. I was not given a single feminine aspect. Both my face and my body were disfigured by testosterone to be hideous. How can I live like this? No one will ever see me as a woman, because I won't see myself as one and I won't be confident and so I have no future. I don't really want to kill myself or die. What I want is to be a woman. But I can't have that so there must be a point where the pain will beat me and then I'll walk in front of a vehicle. If it's big enough and fast enough it cannot fail. This is what testosterone did to me. It was poison. And it will kill me.

 

It's not about my specific features or anything it's just that I never ever see a face like mine on women. With the cheeks all drooped and the brow completely coming out of the face. I've not seen a single other woman with a face like mine I must be the most hideous person to believe they can look like a girl. It's just ridiculous. On top of that my face is rather long and there's so many more things on top of all that. I can't believe that I can fix my face with my limited resources there's just no way. I just want to die. I think I really will end up killing myself.

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TransMex

And there's just so much hair. Why? Why am I so hideous? Why was I made to be this monstrous thing? PLease. I was given nothing. I am empty inside. PLease. Why was I made to be the furthest thing to a woman something can possibly be?

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TransMex

On my legs and my arms and my face the hair is everywhere. Why? No one will ever love me. I cannot be loved. I am too hideous to ever be loved by anyone. My life is already over so why wait?

I've failed to be a woman or become a woman. 

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Susan R
2 hours ago, TransMex said:

I've failed to be a woman or become a woman.

@TransMex You are lightyears ahead of where I was at your age. I remember I couldn’t afford hormones at the time because it required a year of therapy. There was no informed consent like today. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Transitioning to a woman (at least on the exterior) is a process that takes some time. You have that benefit. You’re young with a goal of where you’d like to be.

 

2 hours ago, TransMex said:

On my legs and my arms and my face the hair is everywhere.

HRT takes care of much of the body hair. I had a considerable amount of body hair 2 years ago. I thought I’d need to camp out at some business that offered electrolysis because I didn’t think I’d lose it all. Well, fast forward two years and it’s now almost completely gone. Yes, your facial hair will likely need to be removed by electrolysis but we all go through that process. It’s nothing new but HRT does slow down the growth of facial hair quite a bit.

 

Hugs,

Susan R?

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TransMex
On 8/9/2020 at 1:23 AM, Susan R said:

@TransMex You are lightyears ahead of where I was at your age. I remember I couldn’t afford hormones at the time because it required a year of therapy. There was no informed consent like today. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Transitioning to a woman (at least on the exterior) is a process that takes some time. You have that benefit. You’re young with a goal of where you’d like to be.

 

HRT takes care of much of the body hair. I had a considerable amount of body hair 2 years ago. I thought I’d need to camp out at some business that offered electrolysis because I didn’t think I’d lose it all. Well, fast forward two years and it’s now almost completely gone. Yes, your facial hair will likely need to be removed by electrolysis but we all go through that process. It’s nothing new but HRT does slow down the growth of facial hair quite a bit.

 

Hugs,

Susan R?

Thank you for your comment Susan. It's made me feel a bit more hopeful about HRT. I didn't think it would make much of a diference in terms of my hair. I plan to get laser hair removal one day, tho I have so much of it I don't know if it can work for me honestly. I know how to get rid of it for the most part in the meantime. It just feels like yet another way in which I'm lightyears away form my goals.

 

 

On 8/7/2020 at 11:42 PM, Lexi C said:

Hey Mex

We all do that. Jackie is right it dose  take a lot of confidence and courage to wake up and be happy with you. 

I know that sounds like some stupid Hallmark bull, but 2 yr ago i was ready to end it. I get the bills the booze  and wrote out a will. I took the bills drank the booze.

Had the craziest nightmare. The next day i did not die,, i piss off. But it gave me some hope.

Today i still get depress but not as bad and i stop judge myself against other CIS.

Just head down , work save,  continue to fight  medical for my surgeries and work out.

 

Be safe, be proud and be happy being you

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you again for your comment Lexy. I'm sorry to hear of your experience and I'm glad you were able to find hope and get to where you are. Thank you for trying to give me hope too. 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry everyone, for taking such a long time to respond. My mind is a mess. Most of the time I wish to respond only with more negativity. For now I'm only trying to survive until saturday. That's when I'll see the endocrinologist with the results of my tests.

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26 minutes ago, TransMex said:

Sorry everyone, for taking such a long time to respond. My mind is a mess. Most of the time I wish to respond only with more negativity. For now I'm only trying to survive until saturday. That's when I'll see the endocrinologist with the results of my tests.

No need to be sorry @TransMex. We all respond when we have time and/or when we feel in the mood. I think you’ll be happy with some of the changes you’ll likely experience on HRT. Just work slowly toward your goal and take small steps at first. No small change in the right direction is too small. Most of the changes are in your mental perspective. Just trying to stay positive about your forward momentum can in itself change you. When you look back in a year or so, I bet you’ll see some positive results in your journey toward womanhood.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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No need to be sorry @TransMex. We all respond when we have time and/or when we feel in the mood. I think you’ll be happy with some of the changes you’ll likely experience on HRT. Just work slowly toward your goal and take small steps at first. No small change in the right direction is too small. Most of the changes are in your mental perspective. Just trying to stay positive about your forward momentum can in itself change you. When you look back in a year or so, I bet you’ll see some positive results in your journey toward womanhood

 Susan is so right. I had hair like a Monkeys ass, but HRT did slow it down, then i laser my chest and in process of electrolysis for my face. She  right your light years from i was at your age and it take time

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Alexxiss

Hi @TransMex

I just wanted to drop these photos off for your judgement. I remembered seeing a very masculine muscular hairy American soldier transition into an adorable little blonde woman on Youtube almost ten years ago. So I did some googling and think it’s the last picture of the soldiers. I attached two side by sides of my transition as well at the end. I still struggle with body and facial hair and yes laser is nice but during the treatment some areas are less affected by the laser so I grow disgusting hairs on my face and my chest and my legs and my feet. It’s very normal for me to want to hide my face and my body. I also tried to end my life several times as a teenager and even a young adult. Luckily I’m absolute trash at tying knots and apparently had no knowledge of the chemistry of drugs required to do it. I come from a very religious and homophobic Mexican family. My father and brother congratulated me on coming out as trans by promising to convert me back to a male and interested in women, father sent me to Christian conversion therapy and proceeded to be visually disgusted at the sight of me. I’m really surprised he never physically assaulted me. I was however punched in the face so hard while being jumped on the side of the street for my blatent homosexuality. I was punched so hard that my left cheekbone is permanently indented with the form of a mans knuckle. It’s very easy to feel with my finger. I was also discriminated at while transitioning at the first job I got out of college (2 yr technical degree). Speaking of college, get a nice education in something mechanical. Make your money from it and use it pay your transition off. Double Positive is you’ll possibly strike a job with great insurance for transgender people. i understand easier said than done, the pandemic, and Mexican discrimination are all obstacles. But I encourage you to make strides as it will surely alleviate some of your depression.

Notice these are some very masculine men with thick hairy bodies becoming beautiful women. You can do this.

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wow

I mean WOW.

I will never look that good. 

Wow...that's..like Those woman look like models

Esp the last one. I mean ..i don't know i think i too old to become that pretty.  

 

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Alexxiss

Lexi you look amazing ?

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