Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What do you wish your friends and family did when you came out


Mimi

Recommended Posts

If you could’ve controlled what you friends and family’s actions when you came out what would you have done?

(what others did wrong so people know what to do right)

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Tricky. My wife accepted my with open arms. She could have been a little more enthusiastic about the idea, but she accepted that her dorky husband was actually a dorky woman so I'll take it.

 

My friends treated it as a total non-event. i came out. They said, "Yes, and?" Then we went back to what we were doing. The only real questions I had to field were, "How are you talking high like that without wrecking your throat," and "Really? You've got boobs?"

 

Slightly more questions from a friend I hadn't seen in a while who just saw my profile pic and asked when I transitioned. She assumed that my wife had left me. I guess I would have preferred that she didn't just assume I guess. I set her straight quickly enough.

 

My father was accepting. I'm fine with that.

 

My mother banished me completely from her life. I'm... actually fine with that too. She's incredibly toxic and my life is better without her.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the people who love you on condition of you staying in your assigned gender don't really love you. How could they? They've never met you, only the front you put up to make the world leave you alone. My advice to you would be to treat your friend the same you always do. Let them know that you still love them, support them, and be their friend. Use their preferred name and pronouns. Apologize when you screw up and try to do better. Most importantly, be there. Transitioning isn't easy. Sometimes your friend will need a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring hug. Just be a friend. that you came here looking for ways to support them tells me that you'll do fine.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

If it was up to me, I wouldn't have had to spend the last couple years trying to fight for someone's love. I would have came out and they would have "Ok, this is different, but I love you for you, and not for how you look and present to the world. I married you because I love you unconditionally, we'll work through this :) " but........ the real world had other plans.......

 

As for my little ones, I couldn't have asked for more acceptance, they truly made my heart melt when they just accepted me and assured me their love for me will never change.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I think I would have appreciated it if my wife had taken an interest rather than just ignoring the whole thing. After all I did try to kill myself over it. But, instead, she just kind-of waited for it to pass... sort-of like a foul smell in the air. But then maybe it's just as well she didn't want anything to do with it. Who knows where a real conversation on the issue might have led?  

Link to comment

My first friend was really not ready for it but, she didn't call me crazy or stop talking to me. She just said it was my choice and I was a good person. I guess they were indifferent. As time has gone by, she has become a bit more understanding of how I feel. I wish they had been happier for me and more involved. It is really not something a cis person can relate to. One friend said they would rather think of me as deceased. I said go ahead, then felt like a piece of me really was for a short time. I cried, got angry, cried more, then just tried to get on with my life. It was the most hurtful thing to hear from a friend I had great respect for. I truly wish that had gone much better but, not in my control either. I told my therapist that helps me with my feelings over domestic violence. She has been a great source of confidence building but they are also not really assigned to help with gender therapy. I wish everyone had that kind of open minded response. She is the only person in my real life to ask me if I have a name I prefer or pronouns. I didn't even have an answer. I just picked a name that didn't belong to anyone I knew. I told one of my oldest of friends and I got some good and bad responses from that. The main thing is they are ok with what I have told them and they ask me questions to try and understand what I am feeling. I wish they were a bit better educated and a lot less distrusting of women. I know they are trying. I wish it was easier for everyone's sake. I've tried talking to family very lightly. It has not felt like furthering the conversation has any chance of making the acceptance better. I wish I could tell them and not be afraid that they will push me away. I have no control over other people or their feelings and I prefer that. I certainly do not want them thinking they have control over how I feel.

 

What I am saying is this, Mimi. We should not seek control of other's. It will lead to bad times and broken trust. I would rather be misunderstood or completely hidden than that. 

 

~Abi~

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well I'll tell you is few words, Accept me!!!  My wife, both my oldest and youngest do not accept me at all.

 

My middle son however does. At least I have one family member on my side. While I came out to one of my best friends. I have yet to tell me if he accepts me as female or not. may never know.  I have heard that he has my back. so maybe.

 

It is hard to live with this. Don't really know what to call it, it is not an affliction, not a sickness. When the ones you love. All their lives, (my sons) and 35 yrs of marriage. cannot.

 

Kymmie

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   1 Member, 0 Anonymous, 131 Guests (See full list)

    • Mmindy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,945
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      My mother's maiden name is Schwinegruber, and to say that cabbage in all forms of use for our dinner table is an understatement.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Davie
    • EasyE
      So, I jumped on the "E" train last week and am about 10 days into my HRT journey. I have the tiniest patch available. I laughed when I opened it. "This little thing is supposed to give me more feminine characteristics?"   I haven't really felt much of anything so far, not that I expected to at this point. I am really, really tired but that may be other factors (like staying up too late to watch NCAA basketball every night). The one noticeable difference is that my libido seems to be a lot more subdued. Not that I am proud of this, but the big M was a practically a daily part of life for me. My daily comfort and way to get an endorphin hit or just deal with loneliness. The past week, though, has been, "meh." Is that the HRT tamping things down? Or just a normal down cycle for me? Not sure yet. Time will tell.   I have been very quiet about things overall. Only a few people know. No one in my immediate family. I fear the backlash I will get when they find out. Worst- case scenario, my daughters stop talking to me. That would kill me. I hope I can show them over time, "See, I am still me."   Met with my endo on Wednesday. He is good for me to up the dose when I feel comfortable. For now, I think I am going to stand pat and take things nice and slow. Of course, I could see myself tomorrow asking him to send in the script for the higher dose...   I keep asking myself, what is the end game with all of this. Unlike many on here, I don't have a concrete answer yet. I am not convinced I will "go all the way" and change my name and ID, etc. Part of me would love to soldier on just as I am but with a lot more feminine physical characteristics and a more distinctly feminine wardrobe. What does that make me? Non-binary? Not sure.  Again, I am just me, as unorthodox as that is...   All I know is that this is something I want to do. I am comfortable walking this path for now. Again, we'll see. As always, would appreciate any feedback the more experienced folks may have. Blessings to all!    EasyE
    • Ivy
      I grew up with it, my mother's side were Germans.  I still like cabbage.  I make a sweet/sour dish with vinegar and brown sugar, add some bacon if you have it.  And in warmer weather, slaw.  I like that better if it's a few days old, and has worked off a little.
    • Ivy
      Pity that we can't just respect each other and get along.
    • Willow
      Good Friday Morning    I will be spending a good portion of my day at church today.  I don’t know how any of my family would have been with me.  They all passed before I figured myself out.  I often think my mother and sister may have figured it out before I did but maybe it was just my depression that they saw.  I don’t know and never will.  My grandfather Young unconditionally loved me but he passed when I was 9.   Same with my wife’s parents, both gone before.  We’ve never had the greatest relationship with my wife’s brother but we do see them occasionally.  They words and actions aren’t always in sink when it comes to me.   Sour kraut or boil cabbage were never big even with my parents so that was something we were never expected to eat.  Nor was anything with mustard.  My mother hated mustard and it turns my stomach. My wife tried to sneak it into things early in our marriage but I could always tell.  She stopped after a while.   well I wave to go get ready to go to church.  I have a committee meeting at 10 and then we have a Good Friday Service at noon.   Willow
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...