What do you wish your friends and family did when you came out

[Mimi]

If you could’ve controlled what you friends and family’s actions when you came out what would you have done?

(what others did wrong so people know what to do right)

[Jackie C.]

Tricky. My wife accepted my with open arms. She could have been a little more enthusiastic about the idea, but she accepted that her dorky husband was actually a dorky woman so I'll take it.

 

My friends treated it as a total non-event. i came out. They said, "Yes, and?" Then we went back to what we were doing. The only real questions I had to field were, "How are you talking high like that without wrecking your throat," and "Really? You've got boobs?"

 

Slightly more questions from a friend I hadn't seen in a while who just saw my profile pic and asked when I transitioned. She assumed that my wife had left me. I guess I would have preferred that she didn't just assume I guess. I set her straight quickly enough.

 

My father was accepting. I'm fine with that.

 

My mother banished me completely from her life. I'm... actually fine with that too. She's incredibly toxic and my life is better without her.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that the people who love you on condition of you staying in your assigned gender don't really love you. How could they? They've never met you, only the front you put up to make the world leave you alone. My advice to you would be to treat your friend the same you always do. Let them know that you still love them, support them, and be their friend. Use their preferred name and pronouns. Apologize when you screw up and try to do better. Most importantly, be there. Transitioning isn't easy. Sometimes your friend will need a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring hug. Just be a friend. that you came here looking for ways to support them tells me that you'll do fine.

 

Hugs!

[Kara Zor-El]

If it was up to me, I wouldn't have had to spend the last couple years trying to fight for someone's love. I would have came out and they would have "Ok, this is different, but I love you for you, and not for how you look and present to the world. I married you because I love you unconditionally, we'll work through this " but........ the real world had other plans.......

 

As for my little ones, I couldn't have asked for more acceptance, they truly made my heart melt when they just accepted me and assured me their love for me will never change.

[Guest]

I think I would have appreciated it if my wife had taken an interest rather than just ignoring the whole thing. After all I did try to kill myself over it. But, instead, she just kind-of waited for it to pass... sort-of like a foul smell in the air. But then maybe it's just as well she didn't want anything to do with it. Who knows where a real conversation on the issue might have led?  

[Abi]

My first friend was really not ready for it but, she didn't call me crazy or stop talking to me. She just said it was my choice and I was a good person. I guess they were indifferent. As time has gone by, she has become a bit more understanding of how I feel. I wish they had been happier for me and more involved. It is really not something a cis person can relate to. One friend said they would rather think of me as deceased. I said go ahead, then felt like a piece of me really was for a short time. I cried, got angry, cried more, then just tried to get on with my life. It was the most hurtful thing to hear from a friend I had great respect for. I truly wish that had gone much better but, not in my control either. I told my therapist that helps me with my feelings over domestic violence. She has been a great source of confidence building but they are also not really assigned to help with gender therapy. I wish everyone had that kind of open minded response. She is the only person in my real life to ask me if I have a name I prefer or pronouns. I didn't even have an answer. I just picked a name that didn't belong to anyone I knew. I told one of my oldest of friends and I got some good and bad responses from that. The main thing is they are ok with what I have told them and they ask me questions to try and understand what I am feeling. I wish they were a bit better educated and a lot less distrusting of women. I know they are trying. I wish it was easier for everyone's sake. I've tried talking to family very lightly. It has not felt like furthering the conversation has any chance of making the acceptance better. I wish I could tell them and not be afraid that they will push me away. I have no control over other people or their feelings and I prefer that. I certainly do not want them thinking they have control over how I feel.

 

What I am saying is this, Mimi. We should not seek control of other's. It will lead to bad times and broken trust. I would rather be misunderstood or completely hidden than that. 

 

~Abi~

 

 

[KymmieL]

Well I'll tell you is few words, Accept me!!!  My wife, both my oldest and youngest do not accept me at all.

 

My middle son however does. At least I have one family member on my side. While I came out to one of my best friends. I have yet to tell me if he accepts me as female or not. may never know.  I have heard that he has my back. so maybe.

 

It is hard to live with this. Don't really know what to call it, it is not an affliction, not a sickness. When the ones you love. All their lives, (my sons) and 35 yrs of marriage. cannot.

 

Kymmie