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Madd Witness


Ms Maddie

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Ms Maddie

God might not care what people debate about him.
God shows itself.
Causes changes in the world. But does not stop the evil!!
And God does not explain this clearly to rational men.

My oiled hair on His feet.

I saw Jesus in a window in 1992. It wasn't a big revelation of wisdom, but I found myself on the floor under a sink unable to move until daylight. I never drank again. Just a side effect. I was not drinking when it happened! Nor could anyone say I was a drunk, relative to who I was around then. The experience caused immediate great change, all my people changed, and I had thought I was going to become a woman then.

The woman at the well.

Jesus had sex with me in 1990 and I was woman. So that I didn't have to die too soon in this life. I was not intoxicated, although I partied then. It was a holy mercy f...k. Might not have been God, I admit this. But I did not die, and I had thought I was going to. This is a miracle I witness!!

God wanted me to prostitute. That does not mean he spares those He loves from misery and hell on Earth! I am filled with fear and evade martyrdom. I did not step through that door faithfully. So the matrix closed off my path to transexuality because I was unwilling to humble myself and work on men that way
Instead I became a sentinel and a symbiot. Neither John not Judas but still guilty. Accessory.  Bystander really.


Holy Spirits protect me and assist this fantastic chicken who turned into a consumer of pharmasuits.
The kids I want to be with died before 30. And here I still am, thinking I'M old!!

I think I am beautiful and ugly. Don't really want to be pumped full of silicone. Need redeemer value tho!!

(Then try harder and put in some effort b...ch)

Father and Son in the Christian bible love killers, criminals, and society's outcasts. They tear down establishment and people who are righteous. God favors acts that man considers evil. It makes sense now.

Today I will lap dance God and praise Him.  I love you LORD.

 

IF it was Jesus who came and knew me, and IF He is monogamous, then I may be Magdalene..?

 

Praise the LORD Jesus Christ, the Father, and Holy Spirit. 

They widen my hips and make my breasts swell with milk.


I witness to people who think I'm crazy.

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Ms Maddie

Thinking about that experience I mentioned before, (which I guess freaked some people out).

The thought that it happened for me so that I wouldn't have to live and die without being a woman...
This thing sustained me through years of desperation. I ask myself: Is taking the steps I'm transitioning now somehow turning back against His mercy?

Last summer I was shown both ends of two rainbows at once. Don't know true meaning. But I pledged my transition to those rainbows. This feels like a new covenant.

Mix in the doubts I've always had that it was Jesus who knew me as woman (girl actually). That name is what I called Him. This was overall a spiritual experience which did more to my mind than body.

I've been strongly told that it couldn't have been the LORD Jesus Christ. If I don't believe 100%, then maybe I should not tell anyone.

Well definitely not my psych or surgeon anyway.

I'm putting it out here because I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Looking for messages
 
 
 
 

 

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everyone has their own journey and kbown beliefs and yours are valid for you, no matter what anyone else tells you. The rainbows might be the sign you have wanted to proceed, what matters is what the Spirit guides you to do  Be open and listen, your heart and soul will let you know what you need to do. Have faith in yourful.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Ms Maddie

How many times have I been in my knees, begging God to fix me and everything??  Begging.  

Five hundred?

 

How many times have I cursed God, thrown vile swear words at Jesus, God, whoever for not fixing me and the world?,( in my timing and in ways that I could see it)

Fifty?

 

How many times have I asked the name of Jesus, God, and angels to save me and keep my eternal soul?

Five?

 

I love angels and they love me!

Sometimes they show this love by interfering.

 

Do I believe?

I say yes, but I must try to do so at times.

 

Praise the Lord for making me a girl that is becoming a woman!!

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  • Forum Moderator
54 minutes ago, Ms Maddie said:

Praise the Lord for making me a girl that is becoming a woman!!

 

Gratitude, a lovely expression :)

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  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, Ms Maddie said:

Praise the Lord for making me a girl that is becoming a woman!!

In my experience, if He does come through for me, He always seems to do things differently than I would expect. I’m not sure if He does this to keep me on my toes or to prove there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

 

Susan R?

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  • Posts

    • tracy_j
      That sometimes happens with me, particularly in the summer when I wear a mid thigh skirt, bare legged, around the house and garden. As the post is addressed to my male name the delivery guys / posties probably do have stories to tell. I am on friendly terms with our usual postie though so no real issues. It's probably easier for them at the moment as they are not generally taking signitures, just placing the parcel on the ground as they distance. Being friendly and un-embarrassed usually defuses any situation.   Tracy
    • tracy_j
      Hi Jordan, yes it is bad with the lockdowns. I think the government have been clutching at straws a bit as they fail to cope. I saw an advert last night which brought it home to me a bit that maybe the blood transfusion service is having trouble coping. This was for donation for people suffering sickle cell anaemia. This mainly affects coloured people so they were asking for more specific donors. The request for people who have had covid was for plasma to treat those who are in a bad way with covid, I think, so not really a risk to the general population. The blood service is open but I suspect they are doing stringent checks with normal donations. I heard about your strict lockdown. I wonder how it would be received here. I hope it sorts things down there. I have always wondered though as it only really delays things but at least there seems to be vaccines on the way now.   Tracy
    • tracy_j
      Hi KellyMarie, welcome.   It's good that you have good advice from everyone here. DeeDee is correct in that there are long waiting times for NHS services. That does not mean that you cannot get advice and plan things out. You do not say where in the UK you are and things do differ very slightly between UK countries. There are guidelines given by the NHS and other information from organisations. If you seach online you would find them. These would give you an overview so that you could see how things are organised. If you have problems finding or have questions please don't hesitate to ask as I may have the links / references you would find useful.   Tracy
    • DeeDee
      I do this sometimes too and I recognise it as self sabotage, because in my mind I want to be a UK 12-14 which is what I have always seen as healthy weight, not svelt or supermodel thin, but enough to be able to buy in most places. I may not get there with my shoulders but I want to at least try. When I go through those phases in my head I start calling myself fat and then tell myself that everyone will laugh at the fat (insert insult here) trying to be a woman. One of my sisters would kill to be down to my weight, but she understands the cycle as she has had a lot to deal with too, our other sisters have always been thin and active.  By sabotaging through food it lets me off the hook and I can go back to not doing anything, but also makes it possible to have moobs which, with a padded bra, allow for a shape I pine to see in the mirror and am loathe to lose,even if they are hairy.   That being said, now I am not hiding behind my internal transphobia I want to fix it and silence my inner critic so I have gone back to my couch25k app and restarted it for the 3rd or 4th time in the last two years and have refused to buy in crisps and chocolate and started drinking at least a pint of water each day.
    • DeeDee
      Hi KellyMarie, again can I say it is wonderful to see a parent supporting their child unconditionally.   I'm in my 40's and scared to tell my mother so it speaks volumes to how much your child trusts and loves you that they could come to you with this. Depending on where you are your GP will refer you to your closest G.I.C Gender Identity Clinic.  This always starts with speaking to a counsellor who specialises in gender and sexual health issue, there are a few youth organisations that you may be signposted to like Stonewall and Mermaids or a local trans group but while they are not essential for the process they can be good for exactly the same reason this site is, socialisation, trying out preferred names and pronouns and finding others who understand us. The NHS is simply understaffed and does not have enough specialists trained to help so the waiting times can be somewhere between months and years, so you will both need to be aware of that - it is a long haul, I was lucky but still had to wait 8 months for my initial appointment, it's the reason many choose to go private and do a shared care between a clinic and the GP - which obviously costs more but ultimately follows the same progression, counselling is always the first port of call. You may also start hearing loads of new jargon so if you haven't already I would recommend watching a few videos that explain the difference between cis and trans and that sort of thing.
    • Heather Nicole
      Uncle got me into bread making.   But, can't enjoy it often enough! Bread is carbs, bad for waistline!   Waistline much too big, needs reduction!   Six words: Feels like speaking caveman!
    • Astrid
      Welcome, Keira. Your intro expressed your journey well, and you'll find others here with similar experiences. We're here to listen and share. Join in the conversation!   With best wishes    Astrid
    • Heather Nicole
      I love a nice tank dress
    • Heather Nicole
      Oh, also, I should clarify too, it's less the idea of "male privilege" existing that bothers me, but rather, it's much moreso the idea of males having an exclusive overall advantage that hurts me. So anyone who recognizes female privilege in addition to male privilege is ok by me!!!  
    • Heather Nicole
      This sort of thing certainly seems to be fairly common among trans folk. (It even features prominently in one of my favorite trans stories, "Wandering Son" aka "Hourou Musuko"). I kind of wish I could echo the sentiment, but it was different for me. Not different in an "I found socialization easier with boys" sense though, it was more complicated than that.   Boys would look at me, see a boy, and therefore (depending who was looking) would register either a potential friend or a potential victim. Girls, on the other hand, would look at me, see a boy, and simply stick with the other girls. (At least until teenage years. At that point, my mere existence seemed to be personally offensive to a lot of girls.) I was always the shy introverted type, so my socialization was mainly based around those who approached me. And that was almost always boys.   But, I have to admit, the rare times when I would find myself in an engaged conversation with a girl...those conversations were comfortable in a way that was a little more personal and less superficial than a typical conversation with a random boy, and I really valued those rare exchanges.     Now this is one I can relate to! Ever since I first heard of Gynecomastia, I never could quite understand why other guys would be so bothered by it...I always found it enviable! I guess that one's a big honking red flag for me!     They really are sometimes! Although I never exactly hated what I have down there, necessarily, sometimes it does seem almost a little weird to have all that dangly in-the-way stuff. Especially how the "twins" will randomly..and constantly...decide to get that dull ache and demand attention. It's like:   Me: "OMG, didn't we, like, just take care of this?" Left: "Yea, but we want attention now, too!" Right: "Yea! And we're not gonna let you focus on anything else until you do!" Me: "Ugh, ok, fine, you win again, let's get this out of the way, I'm already late..."     Gabriel! 😄 At the risk of extending any topic-hijacking, I especially feel a need to respond to your post.   First of all, I'm glad you ultimately felt that you could join in and offer your perspective. And I love what you've said here. Femininity had a much-needed reinvention and rebirth around the 1960's. And I've been noticing the past year or so that we both are certainly not the only people who seem to feel that the same rebirth/reinvention is long overdue for masculinity.   This is also one thing I love about transmen and transmasculine individuals that makes me very, very glad to have such wonderful brothers around: I don't know if maybe I'm generalizing, I hope not, but I often feel like transmen and transmasculine and such often make for better men and better examples of masculinity than many cismen do (nothing against cismen in general, of course, I've known many cismen who are also shining examples of positive masculinity).   But it's like, a masculine individual brought up as AFAB...that kind of life experience seems to often force a person towards a much better model of masculinity and away from the more toxic, anachronistic aspects. And I'm very happy to see you consciously dedicated to that advancement.   I should clarify one thing about the way my mind looks at the world, simply regarding terminology:   My mind draws a big distinction between the idea of "privilege" and the idea of...hmm...what to call it...I guess "detriment" for lack of a word that fits better. So, for example, to my mind, a "privilege" would be one gender having something beneficial that another gender lacks, whereas a "detriment" would be one gender having something...well...detrimental that another gender lacks.   Now, I think this next part is where some differences in perspective come in, and I suspect I'm likely the odd-one-out in this: My mind usually categorizes most of the unfair gender differences as EITHER a "privilege" for one side (or the other) OR as a "detriment" to one side (or the other). But reading through this discussion, it seems very common to regard most unfair gender differences as BOTH a "privilege" to one side AND simultaneously a "detriment" to the other side.   To be clear, I absolutely do regard any gender-privilege inequality to be a bad thing regardless of whether I feel I'm looking at the "privilege" or "detriment" category. And I have no intention of promotion my world-view on this as "better", its just different perspectives, differing terminology and classifications. But still the same values.   So if I say anything that may seem dismissive of male privilege, what I really mean is three things:   A. I fully recognize there are bad things women have to face in life that they should not have to face, regardless of what terminology I may ascribe to it.   B. I have just slightly enough awareness of epistemology that, whatever the topic, I'm fully aware of the possibility that I may very well have no idea whatsoever what in the world I'm talking about, and if so, I wouldn't even be aware of my own ignorance!   C. I've faced a lot misandry (both "male detriment" and "female privilege" varieties) in ways that I feel like the general population isn't commonly willing to accept even exists. So it's a huge sore spot that is, I admit, very difficult for me to be fully rational about. Though I try.   I'd also like to say, for what it's worth, Gabriel, even as an amab who's never publicly presented as female, I can still directly sympathize with some of the "male privilege"/"female detriment" examples you and others have expressed. Especially the feelings of not being heard, feeling like your voice is overlooked and marginalized. That's been a recurring pain for me ever since I was a kid, so for what it's worth, I understand and I do sympathize.   And would you believe I was actually turned down for a job once because I was a guy? True story! The interviewer was even explicitly clear about it. Can't for the life of me understand why they even gave me an interview in the first place, if that was how they felt. It was an old, local retail chain that no longer exists, but to this day I have to be careful about mentioning it, because there's a lot of people who are so deeply convinced that sort of thing can't happen to males, they would (and have) weaponized it as me being sooo very misogynistic that I would make up an "obvious" lie like that. Again, main point being, you have a sympathetic friend in me.   Sorry everyone for bringing up the privilege thing again! I don't mean to re-derail!
    • Astrid
      So which instrument(s) do you play? 🎶🙂   Notedly,   Astrid
    • Teri Anne
      I tend to emotionally eat sometimes if I'm feeling down or really bored Since covid and the staying home thing my weight has gotten out of control. There are times I feel guilty for getting so heavy that I just think what the heck and eat anyway.
    • ElizabethStar
      Hi @RadicalEmma. Nice to meet you.
    • Yvonne
      @CallMeKeira @Charlize @KayC @Timber Wolf @Carolyn Marie  Hello and thank you everyone.
    • CallMeKeira
      This is far from comprehensive, so I may append it later. In my heart and mind, my name is Keira. I was born in the summer 27 years ago to decidedly working class, religious, and moderately conservative parents. They married and divorced multiple times, and my siblings and I had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. Between the chaos and extended family drama was a scrawny little runt with tawny brown hair, a minor learning disability, and boundless energy.   But, as I got older, I started feeling different. I got bullied a great deal for a number of things, even by family members. Called a number of slurs and derogatory things, I clung to the company of my mom as often as I could. I grew up listening to LeeAnn Rhimes and the like, and going shopping with her. As puberty really set in, though, I was thrust unceremoniously into the "boy's" role and the world of men. Needless to say, my soft nature lead to a lot more bullying. It was in this time I really started diving into literature, games, and other worlds. I built a refuge in my mind and resolved to hold out for the future, by giving them all what they expected while I hid in a little room in my head.   In that room I stayed locked, only occasionally peaking out. I grew closer with my dad to learn how to "be a man", tried hanging out with my brother's friends, and searched for a male role that I could at least painlessly inhabit (I settled on computer geek). I thought it was painless, anyhow. Turned out to be more like demise by a thousand cuts.   As I stumbled out of high school and through college off and on for several years, the pressure began to build. Some poor choices that in hindsight were me desperately trying to live up to expectations resulted in my first and second attempts at the big "S". Consulting mental health professionals to address my unrelenting depression and anxiety got me so far, until a 20 credit hour course load and a 20 hour a week work schedule led me to voluntarily seek hospitalization. After that, I spent the next year and a half grappling with a misdiagnosis that I only recently got revised. The medication they had me on still works for my general issues, though. I have been embracing the inner me over the past year, and dipping my toes in the water, so to speak. I look forward to have a serious discussion with my therapist soon, as she doesn't specialize in gender issues, though she's otherwise fantastic. This is an abridged version of my life, but I'm here, breaking through.
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