Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I don't know how to feel


Kylara Anne Bagwell

Recommended Posts

My name is Kylara Ann Bagwell, I am a transgender woman and to be honest it has been a very dark day for me. Let me explain a certain problem I have and then I will tell why it's been a really long and hard day. I have trouble following conversations, wether it's a broken conversation or one continuous one. I am prone to have a blank mind and don't always hear either the first few words or none at all when someone says something to me. I switch off at times to shield myself from outside interference, making it possible for me to carry on with whatever duty I am involved with. Now the Crux of my problem, my husband raked me over the coals in our couples therapy session yesterday and even though I normally let things roll off my back this round has done something and put me in a place I have never been. I feel depressed, where I just don't care. I know I have problems conversating or even communicating  to some degree. I have had abusive people in my life prior to us being together and yes it does have some impact on me and how I do things. Either I don't tell him about something or for the most part forget to mention something and a week later something will jog the memory and he gets really pissed. I also suffer from head trauma when I was ran down while riding a road bicycle a few years ago and that plays a big part in a few of my ways of thinking. I am a patient person and I don't move quickly when I have something to do. Not because I am lazy but because I want things right. So here is where I am at, I felt like the jelly fish on the beach and all the little kids had sticks and we're poking at me. It even felt like the therapist was in on it and I know she only wanted us to be able to communicate better. Sometimes a memory will jog and I will say something and then a real tongue lashing starts and sometimes it lasts for hours. I sit there telling myself, you should have kept your moth shut, then it's keeping a secret and I don't do that even though he as accused me of doing just that. 

So I have been in a really dark place today, all day and even though he and our daughter do goofy things to get a reaction, I don't want to feel happy from something from them. She is as much the cause as he is in some cases. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, Chris my husband is also Transgender, female to male and we do love each other but the last few weeks it's been heartbreaking for me cause I don't like to be this way. I am hurting I am hurting I am hurting and it's killing me to feel this way. He keeps saying when we first were together we were different and we got along so well but then he says something happened and now we have grown together but in different ways. I know about how the new and shiney wears off in a relationship but then you have what's left and it's that base dull color you are cemented with where you just know this is the right person and that's where you want to be. He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

 

 

Thank you,

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Admin

None of us here are actual therapists, but it does sound like there is some real trouble in your family that may need more than one therapist.  You are describing an abusive situation which needs a specific type of help.  The brain injury issue is a deal turner, and you are talking about issues that happened long before the marriage. All of that needs to be dealt with.  As I said, we are not therapists here, but we are compassionate Trans people here to at least listen.

Link to comment

Thank you, I am looking into a separate therapist to see if it may help. There are a lot of feeling here and I don't want to be the one hurting others or being the one being hurt. I know it takes two to tango but it has been a really rough day. Even viewing one of my favorite LGBT friendly church videos hasn't help lift my spirits. So I have to do something.

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
6 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

Hi Kylara, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with someone you care deeply about. Marriage is never easy even if you both love each other very much. All I can say is..keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Frustration and anger are your enemy when trying to communicate, understanding one another, conveying your feelings and needs, etc... If you know you're both wanting the best for one another then their is always hope and in time this difficulty may pass. There will always be room for some compromise to make the relationship work.  I agree that getting a separate therapist would be the best idea in this situation. Especially if you feel it’s one sided against you in the couples session. I wish you the best on finding this help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Hi Kylara! nice to meet you, and Welcome!
I read your full bio on your profile page.  Thank you for sharing!  I connected with so much of what you wrote, in particular about your early years and your eventual decision to live your life as it was intended.  I am just getting started on that part of the journey but I appreciate you providing encouragement to ignore the detractors.

I cannot and should not give you advice on your relationship, since I know they are complex and involve complex individuals and situations.  Its great your are in couples therapy but to parrot @VickySGV and @Susan R individual therapy for yourself might be very helpful.  Sometimes its difficult to articulate your deepest feelings when the other half of the relationship is in the room (and maybe your husband can follow a similar course?)

Not all relationships are meant to stay together, and anything that becomes abusive (physically or verbally) is a danger to all parties (because its not a relationship anymore at that point).  But, if the starting point is mutual Love, Respect, and a Desire to stay together then there is hope. 

This is my hope for you and your family.

I can tell you, here in the Forum, you ARE accepted.  Just as you are❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Kylara,   I agree with the others that a new counselor would be a good idea.   Also work on accepting yourself as worthy of having the life you want.  You can do it.  As to your relationship, while I am not suggesting it is at an impasse, realize that sometimes time runs out on them.  Its not bad or good, it just happens.  From your profile I take that you are living part time yet yearn to go full time?  This should be explored but talking with your therapist to try and determine it this would make you happy and whole.  You deserve better.  

 

Hugs, Jani

Link to comment

Hi Kylara,

    I personally believe that diversity is what makes life so great. Look at all you have been through and how much you've struggled to get where you are. No other person alive has the same life experience as you. That is true for all of us. I can't tell you how you should feel but, I will say this. Reading this post made me feel a bit more hopeful. I hope I can find the courage to stand against people that would hold me back from happiness. You have shown great courage by sharing so much about your life. I would like to thank you for that. It would be easy to convince yourself things are going to get worse but, I don't believe that is an answer you are willing to accept. You seem like someone that really hopes to have a happy home with your husband. What you are going through sounds very difficult for both of you. I hope you both find a way to overcome the dark days together. 

 

~Abi~

Link to comment

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul...

Kylara, I find that this forum like most things in life—you get what you put into it! I’m glad you’re getting some degree of release from sharing here with us. It does the same for me too.

 

I’m glad you’re here,

Susan R?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
4 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

 

Hey now Kylara, geeky and girly can go together. For example, to my left is a Narlyhotep plushie and I'm surrounded by gaming books. Nothing has to change except what you want to.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Smiles...it has always been a good method to wind down at the end of the day for me but of late it irritates me to plan to get in the work room but sometimes it always seems to never quite pan out getting time to spend there. Always something someone else wants to do and it's gotten to where I hate to trouble anyone about what I may want to do. So I feel like a over tightened spring. But I do love my geeky pastime.  

Link to comment

Loonng day and busy. We restore houses and today was really crazy but good. Mudding walls, sanding and killing the walls to see where you miss things. Working till late and not having time to dwell on relationship issues. We did speak about plans for mutual advancement on our communication issues so I guess we made some headway. I still have issue with the way I am made to feel. Sometimes I feel like I am being seen as inferior by everyone. Tomorrow is Friday and due to bad wether we will not be going to the mountains as it's going to rain here all weekend long. Oh joy....I was so looking to go out in my bathing suit and soak up some sun. Well it's bed time, I will check in tomorrow and see how things go. Hope everyone has a love eve.

Link to comment

Lol looooong day here. Work early this past morning and come home to try and relax. No fussing today so it's been a good day but for me I am still a good bit broken and I don't know how to rise above it. Too many time today I have felt like crying but it won't come and that frustrates me to no end. I was told to go to the work room and play with some plastic or resin. It has been very productive tonight. Still a little broken but the models help when I can distract my mind. So it's been ok for the most part and I look forward to tomorrow. Hope everyone has a wonderful Eve.

Link to comment

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 


Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

Link to comment
On 7/31/2020 at 12:18 AM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

 

Good morning everyone I hope you all have a great Sunday. Yes I do us some kits and then on some projects I sculpt and with this round of pics the bunker top is scratch built and then cast in ceramic. Gives that concrete feeling to it. It's also great when making shell impacts . I work in a large medium base and I am always up for a good kit bash to get something all together new out of already established kits. One of my few and fav pleasures. Yes my hobby is a good decompression for me, sometimes.  But I can't always get into it like I used to years ago. I also love to ride mountain bikes and road bikes for work out and relaxation bit no time when you run your own business. Everyone is always calling wanting something done or fixed. Don't get me wrong, I am in it to make money and  we do good to be a small business. But sometimes I need a breather and it feels like I can't breathe at times. As far as the blog, I don't know how to do it or where to start but it sounds like fun. Thank  you for giving me a chance to connect even for a small amount of time, it always helps.

 

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

Link to comment
On 8/2/2020 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 


Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

Sorry for the latent response here I knew I had read it before but I could not for the life of me remember where I had read it. How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

 

Up at the top of this page, there's a button for... "Blogs". Once the site redirects you to blogs, there's a button up top that says... "Create a Blog". Then you write.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Sorry for the delay, we have been very busy at work, thank you for the help on the blogs

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 152 Guests (See full list)

    • Vidanjali
    • AllieJ
    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Betty K
    • MaeBe
    • violet r
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      Thank you for continuing to share your story, Sally!   Willa sounded like a grand friend, I'm sorry for your loss. :(
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Not all conservatives are for Trump.  I am far from thrilled he is running.  Just wanted to make that clear.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Anybody willing to present the case for Trump? Any conservatives out there?
    • MaeBe
      Two words(?): Project 2025   Please provide links to the "political calculus" referred to, I'd be interested to know where this is coming from. It seems odd that anyone would be advocating to vote in a President that has stated that he will try to use the federal government to go after LGBTQ+ people because voting back Biden, that is not doing that, might cause some state legislatures to put forth more discriminatory laws.   LGBTQ+ people are not safe in a MAGA future.
    • Ashley0616
      It's awesome that you have had such a great friend in your life! I could only imagine what losing felt like to you. It's neat that you worked for the airlines. Did you take advantage of the space availability fights? My dad worked for Northwest and always flew every single summer except one where we drove from north Mississippi to Phoenix, AZ. My parents agreed to never do that again lol. 
    • Ashley0616
      The trans community won't be good under Trump at all. Biden is the one who has done more for the trans community than any other presidents. Last time Trump was in office he was at an LGBTQ rally and his support went quickly away from us because the majority of the voters are anti trans. He is going to get rid of our rights and also come after the rest of LGBTQ.  I don't know where you heard we would be better under Trump.    Trump unveils sweeping attack on trans rights ahead of 2024 (axios.com)   Trump Promises to Go After Trans People if Re-Elected (vice.com)   Trump promises to ban transgender women from sports if re-elected (nbcnews.com)
    • Sally Stone
      Post 7 “The Pittsburgh Years” When I retired from the Army, we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because I had been hired by US Airways to work in their flight training department.  The transition to civilian life was a bit of an adjustment, but I never really looked back.  At the same time, I was excited at the prospect of having more Sally time. But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...