Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I don't know how to feel


Kylara Anne Bagwell

Recommended Posts

My name is Kylara Ann Bagwell, I am a transgender woman and to be honest it has been a very dark day for me. Let me explain a certain problem I have and then I will tell why it's been a really long and hard day. I have trouble following conversations, wether it's a broken conversation or one continuous one. I am prone to have a blank mind and don't always hear either the first few words or none at all when someone says something to me. I switch off at times to shield myself from outside interference, making it possible for me to carry on with whatever duty I am involved with. Now the Crux of my problem, my husband raked me over the coals in our couples therapy session yesterday and even though I normally let things roll off my back this round has done something and put me in a place I have never been. I feel depressed, where I just don't care. I know I have problems conversating or even communicating  to some degree. I have had abusive people in my life prior to us being together and yes it does have some impact on me and how I do things. Either I don't tell him about something or for the most part forget to mention something and a week later something will jog the memory and he gets really pissed. I also suffer from head trauma when I was ran down while riding a road bicycle a few years ago and that plays a big part in a few of my ways of thinking. I am a patient person and I don't move quickly when I have something to do. Not because I am lazy but because I want things right. So here is where I am at, I felt like the jelly fish on the beach and all the little kids had sticks and we're poking at me. It even felt like the therapist was in on it and I know she only wanted us to be able to communicate better. Sometimes a memory will jog and I will say something and then a real tongue lashing starts and sometimes it lasts for hours. I sit there telling myself, you should have kept your moth shut, then it's keeping a secret and I don't do that even though he as accused me of doing just that. 

So I have been in a really dark place today, all day and even though he and our daughter do goofy things to get a reaction, I don't want to feel happy from something from them. She is as much the cause as he is in some cases. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, Chris my husband is also Transgender, female to male and we do love each other but the last few weeks it's been heartbreaking for me cause I don't like to be this way. I am hurting I am hurting I am hurting and it's killing me to feel this way. He keeps saying when we first were together we were different and we got along so well but then he says something happened and now we have grown together but in different ways. I know about how the new and shiney wears off in a relationship but then you have what's left and it's that base dull color you are cemented with where you just know this is the right person and that's where you want to be. He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

 

 

Thank you,

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Admin

None of us here are actual therapists, but it does sound like there is some real trouble in your family that may need more than one therapist.  You are describing an abusive situation which needs a specific type of help.  The brain injury issue is a deal turner, and you are talking about issues that happened long before the marriage. All of that needs to be dealt with.  As I said, we are not therapists here, but we are compassionate Trans people here to at least listen.

Link to comment

Thank you, I am looking into a separate therapist to see if it may help. There are a lot of feeling here and I don't want to be the one hurting others or being the one being hurt. I know it takes two to tango but it has been a really rough day. Even viewing one of my favorite LGBT friendly church videos hasn't help lift my spirits. So I have to do something.

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
6 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

He wants what was and I am afraid that will never be cause I don't have it in me now. I have the comfortable feel of a fine silk dress on a cool evening wrapped around me and it's the best feeling I can describe for our relationship. 

To say I am lost is an understatement but I don't know what to do,

Hi Kylara, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with someone you care deeply about. Marriage is never easy even if you both love each other very much. All I can say is..keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Frustration and anger are your enemy when trying to communicate, understanding one another, conveying your feelings and needs, etc... If you know you're both wanting the best for one another then their is always hope and in time this difficulty may pass. There will always be room for some compromise to make the relationship work.  I agree that getting a separate therapist would be the best idea in this situation. Especially if you feel it’s one sided against you in the couples session. I wish you the best on finding this help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Link to comment

Hi Kylara! nice to meet you, and Welcome!
I read your full bio on your profile page.  Thank you for sharing!  I connected with so much of what you wrote, in particular about your early years and your eventual decision to live your life as it was intended.  I am just getting started on that part of the journey but I appreciate you providing encouragement to ignore the detractors.

I cannot and should not give you advice on your relationship, since I know they are complex and involve complex individuals and situations.  Its great your are in couples therapy but to parrot @VickySGV and @Susan R individual therapy for yourself might be very helpful.  Sometimes its difficult to articulate your deepest feelings when the other half of the relationship is in the room (and maybe your husband can follow a similar course?)

Not all relationships are meant to stay together, and anything that becomes abusive (physically or verbally) is a danger to all parties (because its not a relationship anymore at that point).  But, if the starting point is mutual Love, Respect, and a Desire to stay together then there is hope. 

This is my hope for you and your family.

I can tell you, here in the Forum, you ARE accepted.  Just as you are❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Kylara,   I agree with the others that a new counselor would be a good idea.   Also work on accepting yourself as worthy of having the life you want.  You can do it.  As to your relationship, while I am not suggesting it is at an impasse, realize that sometimes time runs out on them.  Its not bad or good, it just happens.  From your profile I take that you are living part time yet yearn to go full time?  This should be explored but talking with your therapist to try and determine it this would make you happy and whole.  You deserve better.  

 

Hugs, Jani

Link to comment

Hi Kylara,

    I personally believe that diversity is what makes life so great. Look at all you have been through and how much you've struggled to get where you are. No other person alive has the same life experience as you. That is true for all of us. I can't tell you how you should feel but, I will say this. Reading this post made me feel a bit more hopeful. I hope I can find the courage to stand against people that would hold me back from happiness. You have shown great courage by sharing so much about your life. I would like to thank you for that. It would be easy to convince yourself things are going to get worse but, I don't believe that is an answer you are willing to accept. You seem like someone that really hopes to have a happy home with your husband. What you are going through sounds very difficult for both of you. I hope you both find a way to overcome the dark days together. 

 

~Abi~

Link to comment

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul...

Kylara, I find that this forum like most things in life—you get what you put into it! I’m glad you’re getting some degree of release from sharing here with us. It does the same for me too.

 

I’m glad you’re here,

Susan R?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
4 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

I am at a loss for words... Today has been OK, we have been discussing some ideas he has been thinking of about better communication for us. No, no post it notes, we've been there. Giggles. Sorry... I have brought up the topic of individual therapy and he has said we will look into it when we go back to out couples therapy this week coming up. I usually go to the work room and work on a model display for my relaxation but of late I have had no desire to look at the projects I have on the multitude of tables around my area. Everything from Jason Voorhees to Barbwire and Godzilla. I maybe a girl but I still love some of my hobbies. I haven't been able to relax even among my projects and that's what has really bothered me. I do love my family, there is no doubt, we just need time and some understanding for our troubles, this I know. As I said today has been a good day. I just hope tomorrow is as good as today was. Thank you all for your kind words. Putting this down here also helps me to put my minds twists and turns into order...some. You have given me some chicken soup for my soul and maybe, just maybe I will revisit again tomorrow and pull back the curtains a little more and let some more sunshine into my life. You have helped this old girl, I have needed this.

 

Kylara Ann

 

Hey now Kylara, geeky and girly can go together. For example, to my left is a Narlyhotep plushie and I'm surrounded by gaming books. Nothing has to change except what you want to.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Smiles...it has always been a good method to wind down at the end of the day for me but of late it irritates me to plan to get in the work room but sometimes it always seems to never quite pan out getting time to spend there. Always something someone else wants to do and it's gotten to where I hate to trouble anyone about what I may want to do. So I feel like a over tightened spring. But I do love my geeky pastime.  

Link to comment

Loonng day and busy. We restore houses and today was really crazy but good. Mudding walls, sanding and killing the walls to see where you miss things. Working till late and not having time to dwell on relationship issues. We did speak about plans for mutual advancement on our communication issues so I guess we made some headway. I still have issue with the way I am made to feel. Sometimes I feel like I am being seen as inferior by everyone. Tomorrow is Friday and due to bad wether we will not be going to the mountains as it's going to rain here all weekend long. Oh joy....I was so looking to go out in my bathing suit and soak up some sun. Well it's bed time, I will check in tomorrow and see how things go. Hope everyone has a love eve.

Link to comment

Lol looooong day here. Work early this past morning and come home to try and relax. No fussing today so it's been a good day but for me I am still a good bit broken and I don't know how to rise above it. Too many time today I have felt like crying but it won't come and that frustrates me to no end. I was told to go to the work room and play with some plastic or resin. It has been very productive tonight. Still a little broken but the models help when I can distract my mind. So it's been ok for the most part and I look forward to tomorrow. Hope everyone has a wonderful Eve.

Link to comment

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 


Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

Link to comment
On 7/31/2020 at 12:18 AM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

 

Good morning everyone I hope you all have a great Sunday. Yes I do us some kits and then on some projects I sculpt and with this round of pics the bunker top is scratch built and then cast in ceramic. Gives that concrete feeling to it. It's also great when making shell impacts . I work in a large medium base and I am always up for a good kit bash to get something all together new out of already established kits. One of my few and fav pleasures. Yes my hobby is a good decompression for me, sometimes.  But I can't always get into it like I used to years ago. I also love to ride mountain bikes and road bikes for work out and relaxation bit no time when you run your own business. Everyone is always calling wanting something done or fixed. Don't get me wrong, I am in it to make money and  we do good to be a small business. But sometimes I need a breather and it feels like I can't breathe at times. As far as the blog, I don't know how to do it or where to start but it sounds like fun. Thank  you for giving me a chance to connect even for a small amount of time, it always helps.

 

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

Link to comment
On 8/2/2020 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

Hi Kylara.  Just catching up on your posts over the last few days.  Happy you had a better day today with your work and husband.

Sounds like your art/hobby is also really good for you to decompress.  Its important to have something like that in your life. 


Do you create your models yourself? or do you use kits?
 

Happy to hear your updates.  btw, you can also start a Blog if you want to make daily or frequent entries like a journal.  Sometimes its nice to track your own progress.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend❣️

Sorry for the latent response here I knew I had read it before but I could not for the life of me remember where I had read it. How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

How do I start a blog? Where do I go to do this...

 

Up at the top of this page, there's a button for... "Blogs". Once the site redirects you to blogs, there's a button up top that says... "Create a Blog". Then you write.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Sorry for the delay, we have been very busy at work, thank you for the help on the blogs

 

Kylara Ann

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 136 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • Ivy
    • Maddee
    • Betty K
    • AllieJ
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alscully
      Alscully
      (35 years old)
    2. floruisse
      floruisse
      (40 years old)
    3. Jasmine25
      Jasmine25
      (22 years old)
    4. Trev0rK
      Trev0rK
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • Ivy
      As has been said many times, this is not a black and white issue. Sure.  I get it that a MtF person that has gone through full male puberty and "transitioned" 6 months ago probably has an advantage in some sports.  But these bans affect elementary school kids too. I mean, banning trans women from Darts?  Chess?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Do you have achievements you make to mark your progress to becoming the true you?
    • Heather Shay
      believing forward movement is just ahead.
    • Heather Shay
      Worry refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Willow
      Good morning    Now @Abigail Genevieve and @Mmindy what makes you so certain I didn’t mean it to say bee itch certificate?  lol. Thanks Mindy. I was asleep when you saw this and fixed it, and yes Abigail, as a moderator I could have fixed it myself, or weren’t you pointing out the irony of that?   I use Alexis as my alarm to get up.  And I set the ringer to be two guys telling me to get up.  I was so sound asleep when they started telling me to get up that it scared me and my first thought were I had over slept.  Since I have a difficult time getting to sleep as early as I have to in order to get enough sleep I at least cut back my normal awake time to get ready.  But now I have to do my hair and get going.   enjoyed my coffee and a little time catching up   see you all later, for its hi ho hi ho it’s off to work I go.   Willow
    • EasyE
      Republicans have long committed grave errors by emphasizing their social agenda and moral issues instead of just focusing on the economy, lowering taxes, keeping the public safe, building a strong national defense, promoting business, touting reasonable immigration policies, etc.   The country would thrive economically under Trump's tax and business policies. That's a fact. Another four years of Biden will run this country into the ground financially (including all of our 401Ks and IRAs). But the GOP continues to play right into the Dems' hands by leading with their moral crusades instead of staying the course and trusting their fiscal policies to win the day... 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/hundreds-athletes-urge-ncaa-not-ban-trans-athletes-womens-sports-rcna149033     Carolyn Marie
    • KymmieL
      Well first day is over and now getting ready for bed soon. Work was OK.   Don't know why but I am feeling down. I am heading to bed. Good Night.   Kymmie
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I our time at my place.Both admit our sex life is good,got intimate for the 2nd time and he is good at it
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Thanks.  I will look those up in the document, hopefully tomorrow.   I always look at the source on stuff like this, not what someone, particularly those adversarial, have to say. 
    • MaeBe
      LGBTQ rights Project 2025 takes extreme positions against LGBTQ rights, seeking to eliminate federal protections for queer people and pursue research into conversion therapies in order to encourage gender and sexuality conformity. The policy book also lays out plans to criminalize being transgender and prohibit federal programs from supporting queer people through various policies. The project partnered with anti-LGBTQ groups the Family Policy Alliance, the Center for Family and Human Rights, and the Family Research Council. Project 2025 calls for the next secretary of Health and Human Services to “immediately put an end to the department’s foray into woke transgender activism,” which includes removing terms related to gender and sexual identity from “every federal rule, agency regulation, contract, grant, regulation, and piece of legislation that exists.” The Trump administration proposed a similar idea in 2018 that would have resulted in trans people losing protections under anti-discrimination laws. [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; The New Republic, 2/8/24] Similarly, the policy book calls for HHS to stop all research related to gender identity unless the purpose is conformity to one's sex assigned at birth. The New Republic explains: “That is, research on gender-nonconforming children and teenagers should be funded by the government, but only for the purpose of studying what will make them conform, such as denying them gender-affirming care and instead trying to change their identities through ‘counseling,’ which is a form of conversion therapy.” [The New Republic, 2/8/24] The policy book’s foreword by Kevin Roberts describes “the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children” as “pornography” that “should be outlawed,” adding, “The people who produce and distribute it should be imprisoned.” Roberts also says that “educators and public librarians who purvey it should be classed as registered sex offenders. And telecommunications and technology firms that facilitate its spread should be shuttered.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Roberts’ foreword states that “allowing parents or physicians to ‘reassign’ the sex of a minor is child abuse and must end.” Echoing ongoing right-wing attacks on trans athletes, Roberts also claims, “Bureaucrats at the Department of Justice force school districts to undermine girls’ sports and parents’ rights to satisfy transgender extremists.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023; TIME magazine, 5/16/22] Dame Magazine reports that Project 2025 plans to use the Department of Justice to crack down on states that “do not charge LGBTQ people and their allies with crimes under the pretense that they are breaking federal and state laws against exposing minors to pornography.” [Dame Magazine, 8/14/23] Project 2025 also calls for the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services to repeat “its 2016 decision that CMS could not issue a National Coverage Determination (NCD) regarding ‘gender reassignment surgery’ for Medicare beneficiaries.” The policy book’s HHS chapter continues: “In doing so, CMS should acknowledge the growing body of evidence that such interventions are dangerous and acknowledge that there is insufficient scientific evidence to support such coverage in state plans.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023] Going further, Project 2025 also demands that the next GOP administration “reverse policies that allow transgender individuals to serve in the military.” The policy book’s chapter on the Defense Department claims: “Gender dysphoria is incompatible with the demands of military service, and the use of public monies for transgender surgeries … for servicemembers should be ended.” [Project 2025, Mandate for Leadership, 2023]   …summaries of what’s within the rest of the document re: LGBTQ+ concerns. A person can believe their gender is fixed but incongruent with their physiology, but the authors and Trump (by his own words) just see the incongruity of an “expressed gender” that conflicts with what was/is in a person’s pants.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...