Complicated sexuality

[Sara_Leighanne]

I think that I have two sexualities. This is going to be difficult to explain but I am going to try. I am a heterosexual male. I do have the strong desire to have been born female. I do think about it often. I don't really consider myself trans or bi. It is almost a split personality that are quite aware of themselves. The female side if that is a thing and not just a fantasy is also heterosexual. As a male I have no interest in being with a male, (I have btw, and did not enjoy it). So Largely it is confusing. I am going through another female phase right now. Anyone else understand and comprehend this? One thing that I want to put out there is a gender switch is not an option unless it came with a new body. This is just how I see it for myself and has no reflection on anyone else's decision.  I am not really asking for direction just asking if anyone shares these things. 

[Jackie C.]

Doesn't sound that different than my bi-gendered friend. He or She depending on presentation. I don't know about their sexual preferences though. I've known them since I was ... wow, twelve ... and while I've known them to front about being hetero, I've never known them to date either gender. I always assumed they were asexual. So yeah, your female side having their own likes and dislikes? Normal for you anway.

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

I only know one other  bi-gender person, and they (he or she, depending on presentation, but they when referring to both identities) are married and monogamous.  But that is them, and you are you.  Only you know how to be you.

[Lee H]

Hey, Miss Sara, I can relate -- you are telling my story. I'm as old as dirt, 76, and had the same experiences for 62 of them, dressing, fear of getting caught. When I was about 15, I shoplifted a bra, but nowhere to hide it, so I stuffed it in a pipe so it would sink and roll down the irrigation ditch beside the house[?]. Same with some of my mom's. [Now that I've got a drawer full of bras and panties, I know for certain that she missed her things. She never brought it up, though.] Through two marriages, one biological and three adopted kids, hetro marital sex life, a career, building a woodworking shop along with other lesser catastrophes, being a drunk, getting sober -- all that stuff that males do -- I always tried on my wife's/girlfriend's under-clothes and sexy "sleep ware" I bought at Fredricks. I liked her in in it, and I liked me in it, [trying not to rip the seams]. I never have known why, really. Just a turn-on, I thought. Most of the time, I was just another -excited- guy,  "active" hetro sex-life. But when I was alone at home, I'd head for her drawers. [Sorry 'bout that. Couldn't resist. Now 2, back to back. Where do I pay the pun fine?]

I don't understand it either. I'm looking for posts from "non-binary" folks. But knowledgeable or not, now that I live alone with all my preexisting medical conditions, I'm strictly observing the stay-at-home regimen, most of the time in my femme head, Leah. Less turn-on now, more feeling natural[?]. Feeling comfortable[?]. Just wanting to feel good, smell good, put my hair up or down? It's a mystery to me....

I hope you feel like replying. Love to hear your reaction to my reaction.  

Cheers.

 

[Lexi C]

Hey Sara

 I use to consider myself bi- non binary and for the last two yrs been  celibate ( more from necessary and lack of trying) and always found myself attract to girls and women. Bye the way they dress, their  looks , and sweetness. I guess what attract me the most was their innocent, cause i never could be that, just wasn't in my nature. Grow up fighting my way out of everything

Men where just an ends to a means, a way to get my rent , feel fem and have some kind of power. 

 

So i kind of understand what you asking. But me personally I am tried of pretended to be woman. I  now see myself as she/ her. I am look forward to the day I can look at mirror and see one staring back at me.

I hope this make sense.

Be Safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

[Susan R]

On 7/31/2020 at 9:47 AM, Sara_Leighanne said:

I am not really asking for direction just asking if anyone shares these things. 

I can relate to this on some level. In a previous life many years ago, I was young and went through a 10 year period of experimentation and searching for answers to many of the same questions you have. During this time, my life was very compartmentalized and my two lives (male & female) were very separate. I had very good times at work presenting mostly male on the outside and when I came home, I immediately became Susan.

Back in the 1980’s, no one in my trans support group or friend base used the term “bi-gender“ that I was aware. You were either TS, TV, or questioning and that was it. If there had been such a term, I think due to my complete separation of my two lives bi-gender would have fit me quite well...at least at that point in my journey.

Today, however, I have a clearer image of who I really am. I realize now through hundreds of hours of therapy and support that my male persona was mainly a coping and defense mechanism. For the first 20 years in my marriage, I gave it my all to be the best male companion to my wife as I could. However in the end, I learned that I had clearly chosen the wrong gender as my true inner self probably because I thought it would be easier to live as male and through willpower alone I could suppress the real me—Susan.

 

My story is not indicative of anyone else’s. Your situation sounds somewhat similar but does not mean your path to happiness will look anything like mine. It just shows that throughout one’s life, as new experiences arise and circumstances change, perspective and understanding will likely change along the way. I do hope you find happiness in your life with whatever gender or combination thereof you prefer. It’s confusing but conversing with others about things like this does help lead you to self discovery.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[Sara_Leighanne]

4 hours ago, Susan R said:

Your situation sounds somewhat similar but does not mean your path to happiness will look anything like mine.

Yes! Yes our situations are similar. IF I could switch into another body, there might and I do say might not be a reason to keep the male persona. Most everything going on is too complicated to even put into words. Thank you Susan, I am glad someone gets it.

[Sara_Leighanne]

7 hours ago, Leah said:

I hope you feel like replying. Love to hear your reaction to my reaction.

I get the cross dressing for sure. I do enjoy wearing women's clothes but at the same time I hate it. If the body matched then it would be the most natural thing. It took a long tome to make peace and accept that my body is male (regardless of my mind) and be able to live with it. My mind is definitely female in how I think etc etc.. When I think about fantasies (you know the ones we all have, the magic gender switch pill, downloading our minds into a fresh body of the appropriate gender, or and body switch method that comes to mind) my sexuality is as a hetero female. That to me is really odd because I am a hetero male and have no desire to be with a man at all. Likely be locked up if the wrong people hear that. Back to the clothing, What I wouldn't give to be able to dress female with the body to match. Just saying. 

[Sara_Leighanne]

5 hours ago, Lexi C said:

I guess what attract me the most was their innocent, cause i never could be that, just wasn't in my nature. Grow up fighting my way out of everything

Men where just an ends to a means, a way to get my rent , feel fem and have some kind of power. 

There is definitely a power dynamic of being female that is attractive. 

[Lexi C]

Huh you have  me curios. What do you mean bye the " Body to match". Are you say you don't look good as fem so that's way your chosen to be male or are you talking in general. Cause I see your point. I would love to wear more summer dresses but I am super self con about my shoulder, so I stick to cutie topes jeans, Daisy Dukes, and mime's. But would I stop became a woman cause of my shoulders?

HUH!!! you bring up an interest point. What if after all the hoops one has to jump, the surgeries one has to go through and healing (mentally and physically ) I still have those shoulder I would be defeated for sure..HUH...now i am a bit freak out.

 

 

 

[Sara_Leighanne]

My body is very masculine with exception to my arms, hands and feet which are delicate. But don't freak out because this is my perspective of myself. Surgeries would never be an answer for me. Also remember I do not consider myself trans. Would I love to be female, yes more than just about anything but unless I could have a new body, that ain't happening. It was a hard acceptance, but because I accepted that I am happier. For me I supposed it is a reality thing. My body will never ever be female regardless of surgeries, clothes, make up or anything that is possible these days. I hope this all makes sense. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

Most everything going on is too complicated to even put into words

Yep!  I can relate and empathize with this.
As my gender identity has come into much clearer focus over the last couple of years, I do still wonder about my sexuality more often than I ever did before, because before "Kay" arrived I was your average cis-male heterosexual.  (or so I thought)

I am hoping my therapy sessions will help me with both areas, but I have put less importance on trying to "define" myself by society's standards.  As the saying goes .."The heart wants what the heart wants".  So, I am hoping that will suffice.

 

While I have never been attracted to cis-males physically, emotionally, or even socially.. I don't deny that in certain situations I may like to explore that side of the coin.  So, what does that make me?   Maybe the answer for me is .. Who cares?  its 2020❣️

wrt to your concerns about your body?  I am fortunate the body I was given in this life that I always hated because it wasn't "manly" enough, now truly fits closer to my true identity.  But, if you've looked on this Forum and across the internet you can see some women who've made amazing transformations physically, often just with the benefits of HRT and only minor surgery (if any). 

 

So please don't give up hope and the goal of being exactly who you were born to be ... without having to fit anybody else's criteria.

 

[Sara_Leighanne]

@KayC may I pm you in a bit?

[KayC]

Yes, you can @Sara_Leighanne.  I will be up for another hour or so.  (if I miss it, I will get back to you tomorrow)

[Lexi C]

Hey Sara

Thanks i get it.. But maybe Kay is right. GOD THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!

Big hugs to you both

Lexi

[Lee H]

Hey, ya'll, hoping you're wearing masks -- surgical -- and observing social distancing? I know I am, but it's easier for me. I mainly stay home with my dog anyway, because on March 25, when the pandemic was gaining momentum, I was getting out of the hospital for pneumonia. As far as they told me, it was garden variety, not CV 19. So, I stay home, usually in my femme head.

It's a bit of a bummer not to have gotten any comment on my post. Zot, zero, nada. Am I violating some protocol that I don't know, or am I just being a pain in the ass? Lemme know, if you will. So push reply if you want, or push delete if you must.... It's all good.

[Lexi C]

Leah what post are you took about. I didn/t see one from you.

Sorry.

Hope all is well

[Sara_Leighanne]

I wear a mask when it is required, largely I just social distance. Honestly, I have not been scared one day of this. From the beginning they (as in the powers that be) said that everyone would likely get the virus. Apparently I was the only one listening. I was exposed just over  two weeks ago (just found that out yesterday). I will self quarantine for another week or so as I have no symptoms and incubation is supposedly 10 days. It was outdoors and no physical contact was made but were were definitely within feet of each other. My friend who is 21 has very mild symptoms as well as her family. I am high risk but still not scared just trying to be smart when I can. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

was exposed just over  two weeks ago (just found that out yesterday)

Hope you get through this OK, Sara, without any significant symptoms❤️

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

This really sounds like some of the things I struggled with. I was questioning and confused for many, many years. I really just needed more time, experimentation and self reflection to be sure.

 

 

[Lee H]

22 hours ago, Lexi C said:

Leah what post are you took about. I didn/t see one from you.

Sorry.

Hope all is well

Hi Lexi

Thanks for looking into it. Sunday at 11:02  am, I think. It was a response to the first post in this thread, and it shows up in my list of posts to this thread. So, bein' as I'm only a "junior member," I don't want to get on the wrong side of anyone. [Hm. Interesting metaphor, there.]

No need for "sorry." T'ain't no big thing. I'm just trying to plug into this thread, 'cause it all sounds pretty familiar to me. Real familiar, asof.

Thanks again. Nice of you to look.

-- Best wishes, Leah

[Sara_Leighanne]

On 8/4/2020 at 6:19 PM, Leah said:

It's a bit of a bummer not to have gotten any comment on my post. Zot, zero, nada. Am I violating some protocol that I don't know, or am I just being a pain in the ass? Lemme know, if you will. So push reply if you want, or push delete if you must.... It's all good.

Hey Leah, I responded to your initial post. Actually quoted it as well.. 

 

Sara

[Sara_Leighanne]

12 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This really sounds like some of the things I struggled with. I was questioning and confused for many, many years. I really just needed more time, experimentation and self reflection to be sure.

I remember those stages. In the end the only options I had were acceptance of what I was born with or the impossible dream. I am for the most part happy. But Sara will always be a part of me.

[Lexi C]

Hey Leah NP. I am not by any means one of the big wigs on this. Hell, I am properly under jr statues. But we all need to heard. Sara that's Awesome 

 

[Lee H]

14 hours ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

Hey Leah, I responded to your initial post. Actually quoted it as well.. 

 

Sara

Oh, oh. I'm so sorry I missed it, Sara. My bad. I appreciate both you and Lexi putting out such kind responses....

For me, it's not exactly "acceptance" of AMAB, so much as "partaking" in what I call my "femme head," allowing the Inner Girl Child to come out and play.  For most of my life, this was a rare opportunity, not wanting to get caught early on, then through most of my adult life, also not wanting to make all the people I love  get very confused and unhappy, especially three daughters. But since March, I've understood that I have to observe "stay at home" pretty closely, due to age and risk conditions, and I live alone. So I decided to spend more time en femme than not. Four months now, and counting. I already had a stash of feminine underthings, and it is growing fast. (Ebay has good deals for me). I feel mostly good most days, and occasionally, intensely feminine on top of that. Love that feeling. More interest in fashions. Even makeup. Very interested in the feminine set of empathetic, nurturing emotions. With my list of medical issues, I doubt any Doc would Rx HRT for me, but the thought of finding out is growing louder. Lots of comforting counseling on ebay, and great MtF personalities. Due to prostrate, I've been on been on Finisteride B, 5mg/day, for years. [The other little blue pill.] I think 5mg for prostrate is stronger than is usual for HRT. My effects: Full head of blond --> quickly greying hair, fill an A Cup, push up with an AA, prostrate doesn't work very well, but does not hurt. 

I don't know where I'm going on this path, I doubt I'll ever arrive, but the journey is getting funner by the minute.

Thanks, Sisters. I enjoy conversing on Trans Pulse with kind people like you both. 

-- Till next time, Leah