Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Complicated sexuality


Sara_Leighanne

Recommended Posts

Sara_Leighanne

I think that I have two sexualities. This is going to be difficult to explain but I am going to try. I am a heterosexual male. I do have the strong desire to have been born female. I do think about it often. I don't really consider myself trans or bi. It is almost a split personality that are quite aware of themselves. The female side if that is a thing and not just a fantasy is also heterosexual. As a male I have no interest in being with a male, (I have btw, and did not enjoy it). So Largely it is confusing. I am going through another female phase right now. Anyone else understand and comprehend this? One thing that I want to put out there is a gender switch is not an option unless it came with a new body. This is just how I see it for myself and has no reflection on anyone else's decision.  I am not really asking for direction just asking if anyone shares these things. 

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Doesn't sound that different than my bi-gendered friend. He or She depending on presentation. I don't know about their sexual preferences though. I've known them since I was ... wow, twelve ... and while I've known them to front about being hetero, I've never known them to date either gender. I always assumed they were asexual. So yeah, your female side having their own likes and dislikes? Normal for you anway.

 

Hugs!

Link to post
KathyLauren

I only know one other  bi-gender person, and they (he or she, depending on presentation, but they when referring to both identities) are married and monogamous.  But that is them, and you are you.  Only you know how to be you.

Link to post

Hey, Miss Sara, I can relate -- you are telling my story. I'm as old as dirt, 76, and had the same experiences for 62 of them, dressing, fear of getting caught. When I was about 15, I shoplifted a bra, but nowhere to hide it, so I stuffed it in a pipe so it would sink and roll down the irrigation ditch beside the house[?]. Same with some of my mom's. [Now that I've got a drawer full of bras and panties, I know for certain that she missed her things. She never brought it up, though.] Through two marriages, one biological and three adopted kids, hetro marital sex life, a career, building a woodworking shop along with other lesser catastrophes, being a drunk, getting sober -- all that stuff that males do -- I always tried on my wife's/girlfriend's under-clothes and sexy "sleep ware" I bought at Fredricks. I liked her in in it, and I liked me in it, [trying not to rip the seams]. I never have known why, really. Just a turn-on, I thought. Most of the time, I was just another -excited- guy,  "active" hetro sex-life. But when I was alone at home, I'd head for her drawers. [Sorry 'bout that. Couldn't resist. Now 2, back to back. Where do I pay the pun fine?]

I don't understand it either. I'm looking for posts from "non-binary" folks. But knowledgeable or not, now that I live alone with all my preexisting medical conditions, I'm strictly observing the stay-at-home regimen, most of the time in my femme head, Leah. Less turn-on now, more feeling natural[?]. Feeling comfortable[?]. Just wanting to feel good, smell good, put my hair up or down? It's a mystery to me....

I hope you feel like replying. Love to hear your reaction to my reaction.  

Cheers.

 

Link to post

Hey Sara

 I use to consider myself bi- non binary and for the last two yrs been  celibate ( more from necessary and lack of trying) and always found myself attract to girls and women. Bye the way they dress, their  looks , and sweetness. I guess what attract me the most was their innocent, cause i never could be that, just wasn't in my nature. Grow up fighting my way out of everything

Men where just an ends to a means, a way to get my rent , feel fem and have some kind of power. 

 

So i kind of understand what you asking. But me personally I am tried of pretended to be woman. I  now see myself as she/ her. I am look forward to the day I can look at mirror and see one staring back at me.

I hope this make sense.

Be Safe, BE Proud and KICK ASS

Link to post
  • Forum Moderator
Susan R
On 7/31/2020 at 9:47 AM, Sara_Leighanne said:

I am not really asking for direction just asking if anyone shares these things. 

I can relate to this on some level. In a previous life many years ago, I was young and went through a 10 year period of experimentation and searching for answers to many of the same questions you have. During this time, my life was very compartmentalized and my two lives (male & female) were very separate. I had very good times at work presenting mostly male on the outside and when I came home, I immediately became Susan.

Back in the 1980’s, no one in my trans support group or friend base used the term “bi-gender“ that I was aware. You were either TS, TV, or questioning and that was it. If there had been such a term, I think due to my complete separation of my two lives bi-gender would have fit me quite well...at least at that point in my journey.

Today, however, I have a clearer image of who I really am. I realize now through hundreds of hours of therapy and support that my male persona was mainly a coping and defense mechanism. For the first 20 years in my marriage, I gave it my all to be the best male companion to my wife as I could. However in the end, I learned that I had clearly chosen the wrong gender as my true inner self probably because I thought it would be easier to live as male and through willpower alone I could suppress the real me—Susan.

 

My story is not indicative of anyone else’s. Your situation sounds somewhat similar but does not mean your path to happiness will look anything like mine. It just shows that throughout one’s life, as new experiences arise and circumstances change, perspective and understanding will likely change along the way. I do hope you find happiness in your life with whatever gender or combination thereof you prefer. It’s confusing but conversing with others about things like this does help lead you to self discovery.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne
4 hours ago, Susan R said:

Your situation sounds somewhat similar but does not mean your path to happiness will look anything like mine.

Yes! Yes our situations are similar. IF I could switch into another body, there might and I do say might not be a reason to keep the male persona. Most everything going on is too complicated to even put into words. Thank you Susan, I am glad someone gets it.

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne
7 hours ago, Leah said:

I hope you feel like replying. Love to hear your reaction to my reaction.

I get the cross dressing for sure. I do enjoy wearing women's clothes but at the same time I hate it. If the body matched then it would be the most natural thing. It took a long tome to make peace and accept that my body is male (regardless of my mind) and be able to live with it. My mind is definitely female in how I think etc etc.. When I think about fantasies (you know the ones we all have, the magic gender switch pill, downloading our minds into a fresh body of the appropriate gender, or and body switch method that comes to mind) my sexuality is as a hetero female. That to me is really odd because I am a hetero male and have no desire to be with a man at all. Likely be locked up if the wrong people hear that. Back to the clothing, What I wouldn't give to be able to dress female with the body to match. Just saying. 

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne
5 hours ago, Lexi C said:

I guess what attract me the most was their innocent, cause i never could be that, just wasn't in my nature. Grow up fighting my way out of everything

Men where just an ends to a means, a way to get my rent , feel fem and have some kind of power. 

There is definitely a power dynamic of being female that is attractive. 

Link to post

Huh you have  me curios. What do you mean bye the " Body to match". Are you say you don't look good as fem so that's way your chosen to be male or are you talking in general. Cause I see your point. I would love to wear more summer dresses but I am super self con about my shoulder, so I stick to cutie topes jeans, Daisy Dukes, and mime's. But would I stop became a woman cause of my shoulders?

HUH!!! you bring up an interest point. What if after all the hoops one has to jump, the surgeries one has to go through and healing (mentally and physically ) I still have those shoulder I would be defeated for sure..HUH...now i am a bit freak out.

 

 

 

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne

My body is very masculine with exception to my arms, hands and feet which are delicate. But don't freak out because this is my perspective of myself. Surgeries would never be an answer for me. Also remember I do not consider myself trans. Would I love to be female, yes more than just about anything but unless I could have a new body, that ain't happening. It was a hard acceptance, but because I accepted that I am happier. For me I supposed it is a reality thing. My body will never ever be female regardless of surgeries, clothes, make up or anything that is possible these days. I hope this all makes sense. 

Link to post
10 hours ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

Most everything going on is too complicated to even put into words

Yep!  I can relate and empathize with this.
As my gender identity has come into much clearer focus over the last couple of years, I do still wonder about my sexuality more often than I ever did before, because before "Kay" arrived I was your average cis-male heterosexual.  (or so I thought)

I am hoping my therapy sessions will help me with both areas, but I have put less importance on trying to "define" myself by society's standards.  As the saying goes .."The heart wants what the heart wants".  So, I am hoping that will suffice.

 

While I have never been attracted to cis-males physically, emotionally, or even socially.. I don't deny that in certain situations I may like to explore that side of the coin.  So, what does that make me?   Maybe the answer for me is .. Who cares?  its 2020❣️

wrt to your concerns about your body?  I am fortunate the body I was given in this life that I always hated because it wasn't "manly" enough, now truly fits closer to my true identity.  But, if you've looked on this Forum and across the internet you can see some women who've made amazing transformations physically, often just with the benefits of HRT and only minor surgery (if any). 

 

So please don't give up hope and the goal of being exactly who you were born to be ... without having to fit anybody else's criteria.

 

Link to post

Yes, you can @Sara_Leighanne.  I will be up for another hour or so.  (if I miss it, I will get back to you tomorrow)

Link to post

Hey Sara

Thanks i get it.. But maybe Kay is right. GOD THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!

Big hugs to you both

Lexi

Link to post

Hey, ya'll, hoping you're wearing masks -- surgical -- and observing social distancing? I know I am, but it's easier for me. I mainly stay home with my dog anyway, because on March 25, when the pandemic was gaining momentum, I was getting out of the hospital for pneumonia. As far as they told me, it was garden variety, not CV 19. So, I stay home, usually in my femme head.

It's a bit of a bummer not to have gotten any comment on my post. Zot, zero, nada. Am I violating some protocol that I don't know, or am I just being a pain in the ass? Lemme know, if you will. So push reply if you want, or push delete if you must.... It's all good.

Link to post

Leah what post are you took about. I didn/t see one from you.

Sorry.

Hope all is well

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne

I wear a mask when it is required, largely I just social distance. Honestly, I have not been scared one day of this. From the beginning they (as in the powers that be) said that everyone would likely get the virus. Apparently I was the only one listening. I was exposed just over  two weeks ago (just found that out yesterday). I will self quarantine for another week or so as I have no symptoms and incubation is supposedly 10 days. It was outdoors and no physical contact was made but were were definitely within feet of each other. My friend who is 21 has very mild symptoms as well as her family. I am high risk but still not scared just trying to be smart when I can. 

Link to post
1 hour ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

was exposed just over  two weeks ago (just found that out yesterday)

Hope you get through this OK, Sara, without any significant symptoms❤️

Hugs!

Link to post
ElizabethStar

This really sounds like some of the things I struggled with. I was questioning and confused for many, many years. I really just needed more time, experimentation and self reflection to be sure.

 

 

Link to post
22 hours ago, Lexi C said:

Leah what post are you took about. I didn/t see one from you.

Sorry.

Hope all is well

Hi Lexi

Thanks for looking into it. Sunday at 11:02  am, I think. It was a response to the first post in this thread, and it shows up in my list of posts to this thread. So, bein' as I'm only a "junior member," I don't want to get on the wrong side of anyone. [Hm. Interesting metaphor, there.]

No need for "sorry." T'ain't no big thing. I'm just trying to plug into this thread, 'cause it all sounds pretty familiar to me. Real familiar, asof.

Thanks again. Nice of you to look.

-- Best wishes, Leah

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne
On 8/4/2020 at 6:19 PM, Leah said:

It's a bit of a bummer not to have gotten any comment on my post. Zot, zero, nada. Am I violating some protocol that I don't know, or am I just being a pain in the ass? Lemme know, if you will. So push reply if you want, or push delete if you must.... It's all good.

Hey Leah, I responded to your initial post. Actually quoted it as well.. 

 

Sara

Link to post
Sara_Leighanne
12 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This really sounds like some of the things I struggled with. I was questioning and confused for many, many years. I really just needed more time, experimentation and self reflection to be sure.

I remember those stages. In the end the only options I had were acceptance of what I was born with or the impossible dream. I am for the most part happy. But Sara will always be a part of me.

Link to post

Hey Leah NP. I am not by any means one of the big wigs on this. Hell, I am properly under jr statues. But we all need to heard. Sara that's Awesome 

 

Link to post
14 hours ago, Sara_Leighanne said:

Hey Leah, I responded to your initial post. Actually quoted it as well.. 

 

Sara

Oh, oh. I'm so sorry I missed it, Sara. My bad. I appreciate both you and Lexi putting out such kind responses....

For me, it's not exactly "acceptance" of AMAB, so much as "partaking" in what I call my "femme head," allowing the Inner Girl Child to come out and play.  For most of my life, this was a rare opportunity, not wanting to get caught early on, then through most of my adult life, also not wanting to make all the people I love  get very confused and unhappy, especially three daughters. But since March, I've understood that I have to observe "stay at home" pretty closely, due to age and risk conditions, and I live alone. So I decided to spend more time en femme than not. Four months now, and counting. I already had a stash of feminine underthings, and it is growing fast. (Ebay has good deals for me). I feel mostly good most days, and occasionally, intensely feminine on top of that. Love that feeling. More interest in fashions. Even makeup. Very interested in the feminine set of empathetic, nurturing emotions. With my list of medical issues, I doubt any Doc would Rx HRT for me, but the thought of finding out is growing louder. Lots of comforting counseling on ebay, and great MtF personalities. Due to prostrate, I've been on been on Finisteride B, 5mg/day, for years. [The other little blue pill.] I think 5mg for prostrate is stronger than is usual for HRT. My effects: Full head of blond --> quickly greying hair, fill an A Cup, push up with an AA, prostrate doesn't work very well, but does not hurt. 

I don't know where I'm going on this path, I doubt I'll ever arrive, but the journey is getting funner by the minute.

Thanks, Sisters. I enjoy conversing on Trans Pulse with kind people like you both. 

-- Till next time, Leah

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 67 Guests (See full list)

    • ElizabethStar
    • KendraML
    • Cloe
    • DragonflyGirl
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,073
    • Total Posts
      657,833
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,450
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BasiliaChopin
    Newest Member
    BasiliaChopin
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Joel-FTM
      Joel-FTM
      (50 years old)
  • Posts

    • DragonflyGirl
      I had a nice interaction with the police last night. I wanted to go to the pub but there was an escaped bull charging up and down the towpath making me too scared to leave my boat.   So I called the police and about 40 minutes later a nice young copper knocked on my boat to let me know the farmer had taken the animal away and it was safe for me to go outside.   He addressed me as Miss Gray and we had a bit of a laugh walking into the village where his car was parked. He wished me a pleasant night in the pub and it made me feel all glowy and nice! 
    • Jackie C.
      On the plus side, if you get full depth, your doctor will be checking your prostate from the front.   Hugs!
    • RhondaS
      I've always been emotional so so far for me it's the same.   I do think the genital effects you mentioned are happening. Have had a couple moments of slight breast irritation/pain. And some easing of a tension of possible dysphoria that was so low key but constant that I had tuned it out until it went away. 
    • Mickey
      Seeing everyone's stories about their encounters with the police has me shaking my head in disbelief. Here in Memphis the police have a very bad reputation with Trans people, particularly Trans women. Black Trans women are routinely stopped here, just walking to the grocery store. Given prostitution charges, if not rape by an authority figure.   I know of one girl that was on the way home from the grocery store, with bags of groceries. She was stopped by a cop, who told her that she could perform fellatio on him, or get a prostitution charge. She did what he demanded, and still went to jail with a prostitution charge. Another girl was in jail on a false charge and beaten very badly by a deputy jailer. She filed a lawsuit. Had video evidence and everything. Hell, her story, with the video of her beating, was on the news. When she got out of jail, she filed a lawsuit. And was murdered shortly after she filed it.   I am terrified of having any kind of encounter with the police.
    • Susan R
      Yes, I only mentioned “political beliefs” in case your children were older. It can make all the difference in the world. My oldest daughter has always been bi so I thought for sure she’d be completely accepting. It might have been if it wasn’t for the fact that she married one of the biggest trump supporters this side of the Rockies one week prior to my coming out to the world.   Oh, I believe that is the most accepting age. My grand children are all ages 9 thru 13. My experience says yes there are many successful outcomes in that age range. It’s not as common reading about unsuccessful outcomes with children. I think one of the more important things when you come out to them is to make sure you let them know you’ll always be there for them and your love for them will not change but only grow stronger.   Best of luck, Jade. I know it’ll be emotional and difficult at the beginning but you’ll do fine.   Susan R🌷  
    • KMTAL
      I do not think so. For now, our lives do not matter to many or most of the general public. Sadly I worry if we will need an Emmet Till or Matthew Shepard moment, for people to wake up and start marching.
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2020/09/28/transgender-woman-killed-west-philadelphia-shooting-police-say/   By most counts this is murder #28 this year.  Does anyone outside this community even give a damn?   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2020/09/28/los-angeles-man-sentenced-25-life-killing-transgender-woman/   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.startribune.com/court-separate-locker-room-violated-transgender-boy-s-right/572564792/     Carolyn Marie
    • Jade Diaz
      I wish I could say I had a better marriage but the truth is it was always pretty rough - mostly because of me and the way I tried to hide the truth from my wife for all those years. The disclosure itself was rough but we got past that rough spot reasonably quickly. We share a common goal of trying to part without causing each other a lot of unnecessary pain (it still hurts of course)   My son is 11 and my daughter is 9. They don't really have "political beliefs" yet but I know this will probably be difficult for them to accept. I have a lot of low key anxiety about it, but at the same time it feels a long way off.   In truth, I spent a decent amount of time reading posts in the forum (including your own previous posts on the topic) - I am left wondering if there have been any "successful" outcomes with children in my age range - I guess your grandchildren would possibly qualify there?   Anyway, thank you for welcoming me. I am looking forward to learning and sharing.
    • Msecret
      Good to know. Thank you again @Abi
    • Dana Michelle
      It turns out that I will have to send pictures of my genitals, but not until I've had several sessions of electrolysis (so the surgeon can see how much progress I'm making). I mentioned my concern to my therapist and she said that anything sent through the health provider's website is very highly encrypted (to comply with HIPPA). I'll probably take the pictures with my desktop computer (which has a lower change of being stolen than a phone) and I'll use the shred command in Linux to delete them once I send them.  
    • Emily michelle
      A sweater dress would be cute. I’ve been drawn to cardigans so far. I have gotten 3 already. I’m pretty much hooked on leggings. I just wish I had the boots to go with them.
    • ElizabethStar
      I've been starting to like fall and the fashions more and more over the last few years.  I have seen so many cute outfits but the one that sticks in my mind is a pair of Uggs, leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. Something about it. Maybe it's the simplicity or the "every girl" look, I don't know. There's just something I love about it.   I really want to get a skirt or two but I just can't decide. I'm drawn to mini and over the knee length ones when I should probably be looking at midis and maxis.   I do, at least, have a sweater dress I crocheted last year. Now that I have some semblance of a female body I can start wearing it.
    • KendraML
      Kendra's life,it has been a discovery of whom I am really.First memories of trying on feminine clothing when I was  14 years and curious how comfortable they were to were.I was in the 8th grade at the time after I got home from school doing my homework first if I had any.Mom was gone at work usually coming home around 6:30 PM.Then it was into my mom's closet trying on a few pieces of clothing of hers on.First one was a very favorite dress of hers,I loved how comfortable it was to wear against my skin and put it back the same way she had it.Then it was a couple tops and skirts of hers putting them the same way she had them.I was lucky too,never got caught in the act knowing when she came home from work.Mom never suspected anything something was going on with me seeing I was normal son of hers.Did try on her bras as well being careful to put them back right as well.Even tried on her heels.This was until I was 15 years old.Things stopped when I was 16 living a life as a normal young man doing anything any male would do thinking I was not really female.Then in 2011,what I did when I was 14 and 15 years old came back.This time it was with trying on my wife's clothes on when she was gone,we were dating and I thought I never got caught.I was wrong,she came home early one day and I thought she was mad at me with the oh crap look on my face at first.Instead,she said I looked good in the dress of hers on I tried on and I would look good dressed as female.Did get the idea of getting a couple of her friends of her involved and I was for it.First stop was to a jewelry store getting my ears pierced.Said clip on earring won't cut it also buying me a pair of 2 inch hoop earrings too.Then it was to a second hand store finding me a black knee length dress also finding the perfect pair of 3 inch black heels to go with the dress.Did get fitted for a bra too also get a pair of panties too.A friend of hers had a brunette wig that said my name on.Another friend of her taught me make up application.Said in 6 weeks I was going out with them for the first time.I thought cool,it took me practice to get everything right.My wife was surprised I got it right in 3 tries.Then it was a Saturday,Kendra finally came out 6 weeks after this happened.All said I looked good dressed as a woman and they were right.I loved it and it was part time at first.Then in 2015,I knew I wanted to stay as Kendra in 2016.Began the hair removal which took a year and told my wife I wanted to be Kendra fulltime in 2016.She fully loved the idea and said I look better as Kendra which I agreed with her 100%.I saw wearing of the male wardrobe was getting boring and liked the female wardrobe better.The plans went great with us and tough part was telling my mom she was going to have a new daughter in her life.She saw me as her son.It was in October of 2015 I told her I was going fulltime as female on January 1st,2016.She was speechless,gave her time and space to think things over on this.Finally on January 1st,2016,I said goodbye to my life as male stepping in a salon with the staff ready.I had good long hair which was washed and permanent hair extensions put in also my hair styled,make up and nails done too.When everything was done I loved the results having a reveal party and was surprised my mom was there.My wife loved it,she loved it right away and everyone else said I must be much happier now.Wife even said I look better as a woman.Then I saw the look on my mom's face and said she thought things over good.Finally told me that she finally accepts it and knows she has a daughter that is finally happy.I was glad she came to terms about it.Kendra and I were in the 3rd year of our marriage when this happened and say it brought us together more.In 2017,had my breast augmentation and a trachea shave done.I have a 16 year old son,he was 12 when I went fulltime,he learned to adjust to the changes very well.I taught him can't live with a struggle in your life holding you back.He usually calls me Kendra most of the time now seeing I live a happy life now.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...