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Cris31

Confused but my brain needs a label

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Cris31

Hey all,

 

I know I'll probably get a lot of comments to talk to a gender therapist, but I still feel kinda lost and would like to have a better idea how to categorize myself first.  My brain just works that way.  So I hope some of you might be able to help narrow down my search.

 

My intro post has some of this info but here goes...  I was AMAB, though from my teens I wondered if I could have been intersex and my parents hid it from me, though i had no legit basis for that thought.  I never felt like one of the boys, but I chalked it up to just being smaller framed and less athletic.  I'd sneak trying on my sisters clothes, I was envious as much as I was attracted to girls for their physical characteristics.  I was always meh to disliking of my own.  Then and now I still fantasize about having been born a girl.  If there was a magic button I could push that would instantly make me a female version of myself with everything else staying the same, I'd push it in about .7 seconds.  I'd say i was mtf trans if it was that simple.

 

But since no magic button, I don't think I'd want to go though transitioning all the way either, even if family or work acceptance or marriage status wasn't factored in.  While I have certain male features I don't like and would change if I could, I don't have an urgent desire to not be addressed as a male because of how I look.  I don't feel like I would fit inside completely with a female body on the outside.  But I definitely desire certain feminine characteristics not all of which are physical...  Aghh.  Never tried putting this in writing before.  Maybe I am not even asking myself the right questions?  I'll try and add more after some time to collect my jumbled thoughts, was just trying to get something out there...

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Jackie C.

OK, first point is that we're all different. There is no "trans-female checklist" either. We all have our own experiences and path to follow. You may never find a label that fits perfectly. That's OK. The only label that really matters is YOU.

 

Secondly, yes, find a gender therapist. They're very helpful. You might also find You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery useful. My therapist recommended it to me.

 

Thirdly, because I forgot last time, Welcome to TransPulse! I hope you find what you're looking for here!

 

Fourthly, yeah, the magic button is a pretty strong sign. Even so, don't feel like there's One True Path (tm) to being trans. Lots of girls don't transition at all, are part-time or only have a couple procedures done. There are girls on here on mild doses of HRT, feminizing regimens or nothing at all. You need to figure out what makes you happy then add it to your life. You live in a magical world where you can buy prosthetics to cover up any oversight Mother Nature might have had.

 

Fifthly... and goodness that word sounds weird in my mouth... don't let social pressure keep you from being happy. By all means be safe, but being miserable your whole life isn't a good option either. Sometimes we lose a loved one or two along the way. Sometimes we don't. You need to take care of yourself. It isn't fair to your partner to keep part of yourself tucked away. You owe them, and you, your whole authentic self. Whatever that may turn out to be.

 

Hugs!

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Cris31

Appreciate the thoughtful response, Jackie!  Thanks for the welcome, everyone has been very understanding/helpful/nice.  I've been reading a lot and trying to honestly examine my thoughts, what is actual dysphoria vs just envy/physical preference (not easy lol), and compartmentalize the social ramifications for later after I try to figure out me for me.

 

 

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Cris31

Some more details i wanted to get down, both for myself and for help narrowing things down lol...

 

I've dressed as a woman in private, even have breast forms.  Bra, panties, dresses, etc.  While it feels nice once in a while, I feel like I'm a t-shirt and jeans person regardless.  Other than the more feminine aesthetic, I don't feel much pulling me toward women's fashion.  Rarely have the urge to paint my nails, or wear jewelry.  Tomboy? Lol.

 

Luckily I'm not particularly hairy because I hate body hair, I shave my armpits, what little chest hair I have, and pubic area.  Don't shave my legs much just because I don't want the questions.  I find it not only more visual and touch pleasing, but feel like it helps cut down on the masculine body odor a bit.  That's bothering me more and more these days, smelling myself when I sweat.

 

Definitely hate the head hair loss thats progressed the last few years.  I've always been pretty skinny - well slightly less so after pandemic quarantining.  Besides a concerted effort to bulk up in my late 20s to try and fit in with masculine norms thinking that might make me feel better about the body I had.  I started around 135lbs and got up to 170lbs at 5'11".  I lost some weight and all the muscle mass after that since that wasn't the solution obviously.  But never did shake all the weight and put most back on being stuck at home all the time and boredom eating.

 

Have been on depression and anxiety meds for quite a while at different times.  Probably just regular doctors throwing medicine at symptoms without regard to underlying causes...

 

I think having boobs would be nice, but also think I could do without.  The boy parts are even more confusing.  I use them obviously, being with an insofar straight woman.  I find myself gravitating toward other ways of pleasuring her more and more though.  Don't really know how much detail to go into there lol, trying to keep it pg.

 

Leaning non-binary? Aggghhh...  I keep searching.

 

 

 

 

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Jani
27 minutes ago, Cris31 said:

I feel like I'm a t-shirt and jeans person regardless. 

Cris, this is okay.  Not every woman is drawn to femininity when choosing clothing.  You can certainly be a jeans and tee type of woman.  You may be able to take something for the hair thinning/loss.  I know several people here have talked of success.  Again that you don't have genital dysphoria.  It is not a sign you are not on the transgender scale. Many trans women and guys can live with the way their bodies are.  The goal is to find a place where you will be comfortable, maybe even quite the "noise" in your head.  This is where you need to be.  There are no hard and fast rules for being trans.   

 

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Cris31

Thanks Jani, I know my desire to put a name to my state of mind/being might not be the healthiest way to go about it.  My analytical brain just can't leave it alone.  The "noise in my head" indeed..  I don't trust my own judgment or thought process I guess? I feel like I can't begin to move forward or act on my feelings without it.  Hate to admit it, but I feel like I'm fishing for affirmation when I know I shouldn't and don't need to...

I did start looking for therapists in my area, not many around that I've found yet.

 

 

 

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Jani
11 hours ago, Cris31 said:

Hate to admit it, but I feel like I'm fishing for affirmation

This is normal so don't fret. We all look for certainty in life and right now you are not there (to say the least).  

 

If you cannot find a counselor you might try this link.  Its where I found mine years ago.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

 

Jani

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