Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Am I trans? Please help


Confusedconfusedconfused

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I am 21 years old and for my whole life I have identified as straight and cisgender female.

 

When I was 16 I started experiencing debilitating identity issues, feeling unsure of who I was and like everything I did was not me. I was diagnosed with depression. Over the years I have seen therapists and psychologists, but these identity issues have stayed with me until today. I feel like I know who I am at my core, yet I often times hate how I act and appear outwardly, even with my long term close friends and family.

 

At the end of last year I broke up with my boyfriend, shaved my head, and figured out I am actually mostly attracted to women. This realization has made me feel a lot more like myself, but I still experience identity issues, only slightly less debilitating. Recently when I experience a situation of, let's call it, identity dissociation, I have passively entertained the idea of a being trans man. Since entertaining this idea, I have started to realize little things about myself; I don't mind, even prefer, having hair on my body. I like it when my voice is a deeper tone. I strongly dislike the way I look in makeup. Female clothing is bizarre because by shallow beauty standards I have a beautiful female body, so from an outside perspective I know I look "pretty," but within myself I feel uncomfortable and like the clothes are just not for me. I've become hyper aware of my breasts, feeling uncomfortable with the feeling of them on my chest, two or three times in the last month or two pushing them aside or flattening them in the mirror for curiosity. But all these things about myself felt like coincidences. I had not considered being trans seriously until today.

 

I was supposed to meet my very close friend. I put on a pair of shorts, a tank top, and I looked at myself and felt the identity issues creep in. When I looked at my body, I felt a disconnect. So I tried another shirt. Still wasn't satisfied. I tried on a third shirt. Same thing. I figured, "oh, this is how I have always felt," and decided to wear the original tank top. Halfway to my friend's, I still felt this awful disconnected feeling, and I just wanted to go home and take off the clothes and be alone. So I did, and then I started to think. I currently have short boy-like hair (since I shaved my head only at the end of last year) and my face in my perspective is androgynous because I look so much like my brother. These things do not bother me. But my body. I pushed my breasts aside in the mirror once again and thought for the first time I might actually like that better. I looked at my hips, my hands, spoke in my voice to see how I hear it, things I have read are gender dysphoria. And I felt/feel weird. I keep looking at myself in the mirror. I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong. I'm so confused I don't know. I've made an appointment with a transgender-issues psychologist to get a a professional opinion, but I would love to have some opinions sooner than that.

 

And that leaves me here writing this. Thank you for reading and thank you for your help.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I've made an appointment with a transgender-issues psychologist to get a a professional opinion, but I would love to have some opinions sooner than that.

Welcome @Confusedconfusedconfused I think you are doing all the right things to help you get a handle on this. A professional opinion is a great start and they may help you see even more clues and give you some additional perspectives. Things seem confusing at first until you begin to look at all the clues together. During my life presenting male, I ignored the obvious clues and never really saw the whole picture until years later.

Your situation does sound like you are experiencing gender dysphoria. Also, the steps you’ve described and taken to help with your dysphoria are common ways many transgender individuals cope with it. I think reaching out to others who have had similar experiences is also a good step in the right direction. We are here to help any way we can. There are others here that can offer you knowledgeable support, advice and friendship. Thanks again for sharing a part of yourself here tonight. I hope you find what you need.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome Trans Pulse, Confused.  Let me start by saying that what you are feeling is not very unusual, and not everyone who is trans knew that at a very young age.  Sometimes it does creep up on us.  Like my friend Susan said, it does sound very much like you have dysphoria with your body.  That might indicate that you are transgender, but doesn't begin to tell you what you should do about it, if anything.

 

You mentioned having seen therapists and psychologists in the past.  If they were not specifically training in gender therapy they might not have recognized those aspects of your mind set or how to address them.  If you can find a gender therapist (and many are online these days) that would be a good place to start, along with your being here.

 

I encourage you to ask questions and read as much as you can within these forums.  That will be beneficial.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I had not considered being trans seriously until today.

There are so many moments when we say "what if" about who we see in the mirror. I personally avoid mirrors. Just because you are seriously considering the meaning of what being trans will mean for you, that does not mean you must know all the answers or even any of them all at once. That's not how life really works. 

 

2 hours ago, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong.

There really is no way to get being who you are wrong. You know yourself and you probably know the only constant in life is change. You will not be who you are today when you begin your day tomorrow. You can navigate this if you keep getting support and advice. The therapist should be good for you to find a safe path to knowing how to proceed. 

 

No one can tell you if you are trans or not. This is a very personal and life altering event. It is only within you  to know who and how you will 

Link to comment

This sounds very familiar. I am also 21 and started questioning November 2018. I knew I was probably trans since spring 2019, but I didn't come out as trans until this summer. What I'm trying to say is the process of "knowing for sure" can take time. (A lot of trans people can experience impostor syndrome which is why I put it in quotations.) It is completely okay to not know right now. For me it was a trip to a more progressive state where a retail worker helped me pick out male clothes and let me try them on in-store that made me realize how badly I wanted to be seen as a man. In the beginning you are going to be very uncomfortable, but you'll learn what makes you feel better and it's going to get easier. Like personally for me if I look down and see my chest before I put on a shirt in the morning, I'm going to have a really crappy day so I keep a loose fitting shirt or sweatshirt within arms reach when I sleep. 

 

There is a chance you could in the non-binary spectrum and experience dysphoria so I recommend trying out pronouns and adding more androgynous or male clothes to your wardrobe to figure out what makes you feel comfortable. Another cheap thing you can do is try out face filters on apps. If seeing yourself with a beard or a more squared jaw makes you feel better, listen to that.

 

It sounds like you have top dysphoria so if you start binding please be safe. Do not use ace bandages. There are a few discussions in the FtM discussion board about binding so I recommend looking at those. There are also a lot of "binders" out there that may not be safe (ie. ones without straps, ones that clip on the side, etc) so if you decide to buy one you should probably stick to Underworks or gc2b. 

 

If you have any questions or just want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, SL said:

This sounds very familiar. I am also 21 and started questioning November 2018. I knew I was probably trans since spring 2019, but I didn't come out as trans until this summer. What I'm trying to say is the process of "knowing for sure" can take time. (A lot of trans people can experience impostor syndrome which is why I put it in quotations.) It is completely okay to not know right now. For me it was a trip to a more progressive state where a retail worker helped me pick out male clothes and let me try them on in-store that made me realize how badly I wanted to be seen as a man. In the beginning you are going to be very uncomfortable, but you'll learn what makes you feel better and it's going to get easier. Like personally for me if I look down and see my chest before I put on a shirt in the morning, I'm going to have a really crappy day so I keep a loose fitting shirt or sweatshirt within arms reach when I sleep. 

 

There is a chance you could in the non-binary spectrum and experience dysphoria so I recommend trying out pronouns and adding more androgynous or male clothes to your wardrobe to figure out what makes you feel comfortable. Another cheap thing you can do is try out face filters on apps. If seeing yourself with a beard or a more squared jaw makes you feel better, listen to that.

 

It sounds like you have top dysphoria so if you start binding please be safe. Do not use ace bandages. There are a few discussions in the FtM discussion board about binding so I recommend looking at those. There are also a lot of "binders" out there that may not be safe (ie. ones without straps, ones that clip on the side, etc) so if you decide to buy one you should probably stick to Underworks or gc2b. 

 

If you have any questions or just want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. 

Definitely know what you mean by imposter syndrome. I woke up feeling very unsure, and I'm sure I will feel that way for some time. But I put on three of my mom's sports bras (temporarily), pants from my male best friend, a t shirt, and I stood in the mirror like a guy with my hands in my pockets. I felt really good looking and confident. I'm taking it one day at a time for the future, but it feels I've finally unlocked the first step of *something*. 

Link to comment

I'm glad it's helping! Just wait until you get men's underwear. It's the best. They are so comfortable and affirming and I think they may be wedgie proof! I could never find a pair of women's underwear that didn't ride up so I consider this a great accomplishment haha. I'm happy you have a friend that let's you borrow his pants! That'll definitely help you save some money while figuring out where you are on the spectrum and finding things that fit.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
42 minutes ago, SL said:

They are so comfortable and affirming and I think they may be wedgie proof!

 

As someone who survived the public school system as an AMAB, I 100% guarantee that men's underwear is not wedgie-proof.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
On 8/2/2020 at 10:57 PM, Confusedconfusedconfused said:

I feel like there is so much I am realizing (I haven't listed everything) but at the same time being trans is so serious and I don't want to get it wrong. 

Hi! I know you posted this a lil while ago, but I'm new here so I hope you don't mind me throwing my input into the ring. I'm also a 21 year old AFAB and I felt what you said in my bones. It's good that you're recognizing these feelings at all, I started having them at a very young age and because I didn't know what it was, it scared me and I pushed it down and punished myself for... feeling different. 

At 14 I came out as bisexual to my mother, telling myself I was just a tomboy, which she was supportive of, saying she had friends who I could talk to if I felt I needed it. Then at 18 I mentioned feeling trans, but she said it could be a phase and I just... dropped it. But you shouldn't do that, it's okay to come out and then down the road realize this isn't you. I think the trick is to make sure it's a feeling and not you just telling yourself "this is who I have to be." 

A lot of people on this forum recommend gender focused therapy it might take a few years worth of visits but that's certainly worth it, just don't wait. 

 

Best wishes,

K

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 137 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • Willow
    • KymmieL
    • April Marie
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      When do you know you've had enough surgery?
    • Heather Shay
      Another week completed with more inregration.
    • Heather Shay
      Relief (emotion) Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Relief_(emotion)         Relief is a positive emotion experienced when something unpleasant, painful or distressing has not happened or has come to an end.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...