Spouse acceptance an orientation change?

[Cris31]

Hi all,

 

Trying to work out some of these concepts in my head.  Looking for some input from those of you in similar situations.

So if I'm a trans woman and my wife accepts that and she stays with me, she'd essentially be a lesbian too?  She describes herself now as straight.  She married me as a male.  On the one hand that could be like switching teams from her gender perspective, but alternatively I'm still me on the inside, the me that she loves is not exactly stereotypically masculine which she knows.  I can see physical attraction not being the same, depending on what changes I ultimately decide to seek out, but my personality would largely be the same (maybe some more freedom in my expression of femininity), still have the same things in common, hobbies, etc.

 

For those of you that have successfully retained a relationship that was founded on a different gender pairing...  Obviously you made a decision to be your true self instead, but how did your partner rectify that with their own gender and sexual orientation?  What considerations on both sides am I missing?  Things would be different I'm sure.  What happened/was learned/was adjusted in order to acommodate the changes?

 

 

 

-Cris

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Cris31 said:

So if I'm a trans woman and my wife accepts that and she stays with me, she'd essentially be a lesbian too?

Not necessarily, Cris. Sexual orientation of your partner doesn’t change instantly at the moment you reveal your new gender identity. Other people‘s perception of your wife’s sexual orientation may change instantly but that’s it. Her acceptance of your revelation could simply mean she loves you at a core level and is willing to give it a shot. Will this change her sexual orientation?...it could possibly but I can’t offer proof...just my experience.

I was and still am in a similar situation as yours. My wife always considered herself to be a straight cis-gender woman. I came out to her as trans a while back and during the initial conversation she came right out and asked me about my sexual orientation. I hesitated but came clean and admitted to her that I’m bisexual. She accepted me completely and has since become my greatest ally in my journey.

My wife and I discuss topics like this all the time and she gave me permission to reveal her sexuality here in this more open clinical-like discussion. My wife says that she has become increasingly fluid in her sexual orientation since I started transitioning in 2018. She is now attracted to some females as well as males.  Although, she can’t pinpoint exactly when the change started occurring, she knows it has changed or has become apparent to her over the last year or so. Whether she was always an unknowingly fluid person or whether exploring her sexuality with me allowed her to find out she was, is still unknown. Hope this makes some sense to you.

 

Best of luck to you and your wife.

Susan R?

[Jackie C.]

So, let me share some of my coming out story.

 

It's late. My spouse has just come home from work and I've screwed up my courage to the breaking point. I sit on the edge of the bed and smile.

"Hey, can we talk about something?" I ask.

"OK," she replies a little nervously.

"So guess what? You're a lesbian!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" she snarls. Maybe the joke was a bad idea.

I take a deep breath, "I'm trans. You married a woman."

Silence. It lasts four, maybe five hundred years.

"I think," she starts. "I think I'm OK with it. These things happen. Besides, I like boobs."

We hug. I start to cry. "Thank you."

 

While she's not one-hundred percent onboard with me having a vagina. She keeps assuring me that she'll get there. She got really, really close this weekend before she lost her nerve. We've talked about it and she's decided that her orientation is straight plus me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

My wife is a straight woman.  But she married me, the person, not just "a man" (or "a woman"), and she plans to stick with me.  As a result of my transition, we are a same-sex couple, looking to all the world like a pair of lesbians.  I am a lesbian; she is not.  She is a "lesbian-by-marriage", and that is what she tells anyone who asks.  She is a Kathysexual.

 

People understand fidelity and loyalty better than they understand sexual orientation anyway.  If they know that I have transitioned, they get that part.  If they don't know that I have transitioned, it doesn't matter, because same-sex couples are pretty normal these days.

[Cris31]

That is reassuring.  I really like the "straight plus me" thing haha.  Closest thing she's ever said that sticks with me is that women's bodies are prettier than mens.  Boy parts are weird looking.  But she was just expressing admiration of the feminine physical form.  She's never been sexually attracted to a woman that she's mentioned.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Cris31 said:

Looking for some input from those of you in similar situations.

I am in a very similar situation with my wife.  She has told me she is not attracted to women, and that also makes it difficult for her to accept me and my desire to move toward transition (or to even see me dressed).  But, we do have a really good, simpatico relationship otherwise.  The transition part for her is way more complicated than the sexuality part .. so for me that is a bigger concern in her acceptance of the situation.  If she can accept me as a transwoman, then I am pretty sure the rest of it will work itself out.

The good news is you have some really good examples from @Susan R, @Jackie C. and @KathyLauren of how this can turn out, if you and your wife have the love, respect, and desire to move forward together.   This is my hope for you (and me both)❣️

[Cris31]

You all are helping me more than you know (or maybe you do know lol).  

 

I obviously don't want to make it a situation where I get to feel better but she feels less better as a result, ya know?  I'd rather she was happy with me able to completely be myself, and if she couldn't, I wouldn't harbor any ill will, I would want her to be happy not with me.  At least its easy to say that now.  Would be rough though, might weaken my resolve since we've been together over 10 years, have such intertwined finances with business and such.  It's very scary to entertain the thought of starting over.  I'm sure I'm not saying anything you all haven't gone through lol.

[KymmieL]

Cris31,

I am on the other side of the conversation. My wife flatly says she married a man. period end of story. I counter with OH she married me because of whats below the belt. No she married me a man.

If she had known I was a woman(inside) she wouldn't have gave me the time of day. let alone married me. It is heart breaking to hear this from the woman I've known for 50 yrs and married for almost 35. I tell her that nothing has changed upstairs in the ol noggin She listens to my youngest, who knows a couple transgender MtF. he say BS they have changed. OH, my wife will let me live as my true self but we won't be married anymore. She says She wouldn't even walk down the street with me as a woman. hold my hand in public, let alone kiss me. It is extremely hard hearing this from the woman I dearly love.

 

That is why I am looking to leave. with my love for her I could never live in the same town as her and not be with her. If I ever seen her with anyone else(she says will never happen) romantically, well lets say you would never find the body.

 

It is great that your wife is sticking with you. I wish you the best of luck in both of your journeys.

 

Kymmie

[Cris31]

That's terrible Kymmie, sorry she feels that way.  That seems worse than some attempt at understanding and amicably parting ways, since you've known each other so long.  

 

I was speaking in a theoretical way above, I haven't discussed it with her yet.  I'm hoping I'm right in that she was attracted to me initially and continues to be because I don't think/act like a stereotypical male.  You'd think in our cases it might not be such a stretch since over the years they would have picked up on those cues.  But I guess some people have a way of denying these things probably subconsciously?  Would have to be understanding of the shock though if they remained oblivious I suppose...

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Cris31 said:

You'd think in our cases it might not be such a stretch since over the years they would have picked up on those cues.  But I guess some people have a way of denying these things probably subconsciously?

 

Most of us were in denial for years, decades even.  I guess it's understandable if our spouses have been too.  It makes it all the more special when they 'get it' quickly when we do come out.

[KymmieL]

My wife has known of my preference in underwear. She has told me she was surprised when we got married that she never found tighty whitys or boxers in the wash. She says she was shocked the first time she saw me in a thong.

 

For the longest time she and I for that matter thought I was just a crossdresser. I finally put two and two together about 3 yrs ago. Hey idiot you aren't a crossdresser you are a girl.

It was last Halloween when she first saw me dressed.First time for me going out dressed too.  OH, god. the blow up that happened. WWIII has nothing on this.

 

Kymmie 

[Cris31]

58 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

 

Most of us were in denial for years, decades even.  I guess it's understandable if our spouses have been too.  It makes it all the more special when they 'get it' quickly when we do come out.

Good point

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Cris31, My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. I’ve wanted to be female for 70 years. I’ve cross dressed since age 6 but was never able or ready to accept myself as transgender until a few years ago. My wife tolerates my feminine side and I believe quietly accepts me.

 

I’m not on HRT and I don’t plan on having surgery. As of now, I’ll live out my life the way I am.

 

I’m sorry your wife feels the way she. Life is still good 

 

Hugs Sandra

[Cris31]

That's quite a long time Sandra.  Glad you're happier.  I wish I'd realized earlier, could have avoided the denial, depression, etc.  But we can only move forward and try and make the best of it.

[Bri2020]

Hi Cris,

I've recently been in your shoes. I just came out to my wife of 13 years a couple weeks ago.  While it's early days she's on my side and plans to stick with me. She's seen how much happier I am living as a woman full time and that really hit home with her. She hadn't realized just how hard it was on me not living this way. She's still getting used to things and I'm respecting her thresholds. Like she immediately went out and shopped for clothes for me and helped me shop but wasn't ready to go for a manicure or see me in makeup yet.  There's no logic to things sometimes so my advice is to communicate well and be open and honest and respect her when she is as well.  We're all allowed to have all of our feeling as we go through this.  If you're relationship is solid now, and you all communicate well you have a decent chance of having a good outcome when you tell her. No guarantees but I feel that living a lie once you know the truth is toxic for both parties. Good luck in your quest of discovery.

[Bobbie Scott]

I liked what Bri said. I wish I had been honest with my girlfriend from the time I met her. She has literally broken up with me 3 times now.1st time because I waited 6 months to tell her I was a cross dresser.  Then I waited for about 8 months to tell her I was transgender. I started counseling and started hormones without telling her. When she finally figured out I was taking hormones (breasts started growing) She broke up with me again.  I quit transitioning for about 3 months. I shaved the top part of my chest to dress,and she called it quits for good this time. I  wonder if I had been honest from the beginning, if it would work out better.  I have to say I'm a lot happier, to finally be able to do what I want. And yes it is "toxic "to be with someone who doesn't accept the real person you are. 

[Confused1]

I just started a thread in Christianity about my life as Christian and being Transgender. It explains a lot about who I am. It doesn't say anything about how my wife took it. Interestingly I had a prostate surgery gone wrong that made me search high and low for a fix. I found a surgery on a Eunuch website called Zero Depth Vaginoplasty that will fix it. There is no other good way to repair the damage. It took awhile but I finally told the wife. It put our marriage on a roller coaster ride for a little bit.

 

I didn't even realize at the time that I was transgender and that is why I was able to find and choose to get this type of surgery. My wife told me she had no interest in being married to a woman, but it got better after awhile. Early this year by reading a thread written by a transgender on another site, I realized I am transgender myself. I told my wife and we were back on the roller coaster again? She has finally realized she loves me and will accept me as I am. I guess she is the "straight plus me" thing. I think that our marriage is now stronger than it was. Due to a return of the cancer, I had radiation early this year as well as Lupron shots, which shuts down hormones until my surgery. My wife no longer wants sex and my desire is also gone, so I guess we will just cuddle.☺️

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Confused1 said:

My wife told me she had no interest in being married to a woman, but it got better after awhile. Early this year by reading a thread written by a transgender on another site, I realized I am transgender myself. I told my wife and we were back on the roller coaster again?

I am in the same situation with my wife.  So, thank you Mike, for posting your experience here!  We haven't reached this point yet, but if we are going to stay together, your example in the best outcome I could hope for.

[Elizabeth Star]

On 8/2/2020 at 10:22 PM, Cris31 said:

 but alternatively I'm still me on the inside,

I tried a similar statement. It didn't go so well. My wife countered it with "I can accept your a girl on the inside. Why does the outside have to change after all these years." Although she has seen and reaped the benefits of my vastly improved personality since I started transitioning.

 

On 8/3/2020 at 9:33 AM, Cris31 said:

You'd think in our cases it might not be such a stretch since over the years they would have picked up on those cues.

I feel the same way but no, they don't. Everyone, including my wife, just assumed I was deep-in-the-closet gay.

 

On 8/2/2020 at 10:22 PM, Cris31 said:

She married me as a male.

I heard this a lot at first and sometimes still do. She was OK to marry me thinking I might be gay and may eventually leave her for a man but the idea that I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body is ridiculous.

 

Things have gotten better over the last year as she has started to adjust and accept me. She's even been a little supportive at times but she is way behind and keeps telling me to slow down. I'm going at my own pace of what feels right.

 

 

[AmberM]

So this is where it gets interesting for our spouses or significant others and some level of understanding I think is necessary.

 

So since we started dating, for me the whole dressing thing started intimately, and I brought her into it. She wasn't super excited at first and was scared I was just gay and would end up stop dating her and leave her for a man eventually. After some conversations, we came to a place of understanding. As we moved further along the path, there is now a place that I think is going to be hard is what box do we fit into according to society. I am not sure I am hetero, I know I am not CIS. Does that make us a lesbian couple even pre-transition since on the inside I am female?Is now a good time to start experimenting with becoming comfortable with that idea.

 

At the end of the day, I am becoming less concerned about fitting into a box for a random stranger. I don't have interest in men, or other women for that matter. I still love my wife.

[Confused1]

1 hour ago, QuestioningAmber said:

At the end of the day, I am becoming less concerned about fitting into a box for a random stranger. I don't have interest in men, or other women for that matter. I still love my wife.

 

Amber,

 

Make sure she understands this. It helped with my wife.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Courtney]

On 8/3/2020 at 7:03 AM, KayC said:

I am in a very similar situation with my wife.  She has told me she is not attracted to women, and that also makes it difficult for her to accept me and my desire to move toward transition (or to even see me dressed).  But, we do have a really good, simpatico relationship otherwise.  The transition part for her is way more complicated than the sexuality part .. so for me that is a bigger concern in her acceptance of the situation.  If she can accept me as a transwoman, then I am pretty sure the rest of it will work itself out.

 

@KayC I know we talked about it earlier this Summer because we're in very similar situations.  My spouse isn't very accepting of me being transgender.  She is focused on her sexual identity and not wavering from it (i.e., "she's only attracted to men.")  A bit of an update...  During our anniversary getaway last month, I decided to approach the topic of a timeline for my transition and us attending counseling together.  Needless to say, it did not go well.  She immediately breaks down and I feel guilty for what I've done to her (I know I shouldn't..)  So I decided to switch the tone of our conversation to the strength of our relationship and the love that we have.  We haven't talked about the topic since then. 

 

This weekend our daughters are gone at a girl scout camp out, so naturally I'm taking the opportunity to be my authentic self.  My spouse is fine with me being dressed as my authentic self.  I suppose to her, it's just us hanging out as friends (as she's told me before, that's how she views my authentic self.)  She still can't bring herself to using correct terminology.  She's referring to my women's clothing as my "comfortable clothes."  I guess I will take this as a "win" this time.

 

Courtney

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Courtney said:

I guess I will take this as a "win" this time.

Hi Courtney.  Yes, its been a while for both of us, but I remember our conversations here, and I am REALLY happy to hear things have settled a bit for you and your wife, and you can see some hope on the horizon.

I had to backtrack to June to see where we both were in the previous posts (seems like its been Years, now .. so much has happened).

But, I am also happy to report that my wife is now accepting of my therapy sessions, AND my therapy has been a major turning point for myself ... a new foundation of self-acceptance of who I am (and what I am) and I am starting to discard the guilt that has plagued me for years because of my gender dysphoria and other Life issues.

The result of that is my relationship with my wife has settled down also.  I think its mostly because my anxiety issues are subliminal now, and so that doesn't feed her anxiety.  But, we're not where we need to be yet .. because the topic of my transitioning has been idle (I think neither one of use wants to rock the boat right now).  But, it will need to be addressed, and probably sooner than later .. but I think this time we will both be approaching it from a better place.

Thank you for connecting with me again, Courtney❣️  I hope things continue on a positive path for both of us!

[Courtney]

On 9/13/2020 at 6:29 AM, KayC said:

But, I am also happy to report that my wife is now accepting of my therapy sessions, AND my therapy has been a major turning point for myself ... a new foundation of self-acceptance of who I am (and what I am) and I am starting to discard the guilt that has plagued me for years because of my gender dysphoria and other Life issues.

The result of that is my relationship with my wife has settled down also.  I think its mostly because my anxiety issues are subliminal now, and so that doesn't feed her anxiety.  But, we're not where we need to be yet .. because the topic of my transitioning has been idle (I think neither one of use wants to rock the boat right now).  But, it will need to be addressed, and probably sooner than later .. but I think this time we will both be approaching it from a better place.

@KayC  I am so happy to hear that things are going so much better for you!  Hopefully my spouse and I will be able to broach the topic of counseling sometime in the near future.  I think it will help with her anxiety and be able to express her misgivings about the process as a whole.  Exactly, at this time I think we're both in situations where we just have to let the status quo roll. 

 

I agree completely.  At some point the topic of transitioning will need to be addressed.  It is my hope that she can be accepting of it. I've told her many times that despite what she may feel and think, my transitioning doesn't mean that I'm abandoning her.  Either way, at some point my authentic self is going to need to come forward. 

 

Best wishes as you continue your journey!

 

Courtney

[Confused1]

On 9/13/2020 at 6:29 AM, KayC said:

my therapy has been a major turning point for myself ... a new foundation of self-acceptance of who I am (and what I am) and I am starting to discard the guilt that has plagued me for years because of my gender dysphoria and other Life issues.

The result of that is my relationship with my wife has settled down also.  I think its mostly because my anxiety issues are subliminal now, and so that doesn't feed her anxiety.  But, we're not where we need to be yet .. because the topic of my transitioning has been idle (I think neither one of use wants to rock the boat right now).  But, it will need to be addressed, and probably sooner than later .. but I think this time we will both be approaching it from a better place.

 

Hi Kay,

I have struggled most of my life reconciling what was going on in my head with my Faith. Realizing who and what I am made it worse initially, but also finally brought some healing and a few new friends that have helped me very much to reconcile at least some of it. 

I am happy therapy is helping you.

 

What has gone on with my wife has been in spurts with soak time in between. Sometimes it helps to have a brief period to sort your thoughts and feelings. I am glad you have reached a better place. I pray it stays that way.

 

I am non binary, which makes me not fit well in either binary. That sometimes makes me feel like I don't have a natural fit anywhere, but it helps with my wife as I am not planning to socially transition, but I will be getting GCS. My wife has known this for some time and accepted it, but hasn't yet experienced it. Our transitions put our wives through a lot. They are transitioning just as we are.