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Starting Hormones Before Coming Out?


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I have come to accept alot about myself in the past 6 months.  I have always wished to be a girl for as long as I can remember and recently I decided I can't push down these feelings anymore.  I have been kept up at night by the thought of wishing I was a girl and wanting to start a transition.  Up until now I have been transitioning in the ways I can without hormones.  I've had my hair long for a while now, I got my ears pierced and started shaving and waxing my body hair.  I'm sure my friends have noticed all this and not mentioned it or even though much of it.  However, I am nowhere near ready to come out to any friends or family yet. 


So I really want to start hormones as soon as possible and a big part of me just wants to do this with out coming out to anyone yet.  I feel like it will be much easier to slowly begin transitioning.  Then when I reach the point where I can no longer hide the changes, or start to "pass", then it will kind of force my hand to come out.  I'm 23 and I know a transition is a slow process so I want to get started as soon as possible.  I also feel like coming out as trans and then continuing to present as a boy will just create an awkward and confusing situation for everyone. 


Has anyone else started transitioning this way?  I feel like starting in this way makes alot of sense but I'm also worried it is just my fear of coming out that is pushing me to postpone it as long as possible.

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Sophie Watson

It depends on what the process is in your country. In the UK before they consider HRT they ask that you live as your preferred gender for 2 years at least.


I'd personally recommend you come out to family now if you're serious about taking hormones as you will need all the support you can get if any. But most importantly before you do anything drastic try to get a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria to make sure how you're feeling is true. 

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I'm headed in a similar direction, my version of this has me thinking I don't want to be public until there's something to be public about. But will be out to more of the family before too long.  

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  • Forum Moderator

I did the opposite.  Hormone therapy is the "easy" part of the journey.  I felt i had to be certain by living full time as myself prior to seeking HRT directly.  We all have different paths but please consider opening up with your family if that is possible for you.  HRT didn't instantly make those conversations easier.  





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I did it the same way you are proposing, Maren.  I had the support of my wife and a few selected people, but I was not out to the world when I started HRT. 


I figured that coming out was a point of no return.  I wanted to look plausible as a woman, and I wanted to feel the emotional effects of the hormones, before making that commitment.  I had been on HRT for three months when I came out.  The date was chosen based on breast growth (small enough to appear male the day before, but big enough to appear female the day after) and on the meeting schedules of various groups that I was a member of.


It worked well for me.

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Going by route of hrt before coming out is completely viable option. In my particular case, I knew what I was going for, but making it official was not a priority. Of course, eventually it would come out (as it started happening recently to me), but you decide what your journey should be.

I made a decision to let things come to me as oppose to let everyone know at some milestone. My family was the first to learn, and while it was a rather significant surprise, because it came by observing and just accepting changes in me, it was easier to understand that I was still the same person.

It looks like my "work family" is next and I just smile every morning imagining each and every conversation I might have that day :)


Good luck and keep asking questions.

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Hi @Maren!  nice to meet you and Welcome!
I am also at the very beginning and until I get farther along in therapy I don't want to set any specific plans or timelines for myself (and I am also much, MUCH older than you. lol).

But, with that in mind, right now your idea of HRT first would also be my most likely option.  Not just for preference (which for now it is) but my inability to come out in the near future (job and location) and the logistics and availability of HRT for me (in Japan).  I am Out to my wife (only) so far, but she at some point has to be part of my decision and timing process.

So, I see your option as very viable (and for me, preferable), but everybody is different and there is no one set way to go about it. 

Wishing you all the best❣️


Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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I made the decision to come out to my brother and to a few of my friends very soon after coming to the realisation that I am trans.  This made me feel better as it was then out in the open and "official", rather than just going round and round in my head.


None of the people that I told had anything negative to say about it.  The only problems that I experienced were when I approached two transgender support groups, where, due to my male appearance, I was seen as an "admirer" and turned away.  That severely knocked my self confidence, just as I thought that I had finally found out what was "wrong" with me, and that my life was going to improve. 



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The most difficult thing I had to do (and that was recently) was to come out to friends and my wife. Once I did that I was finally able to move ahead. I am on HRT now, waiting for a new GT and anxious to becoming the woman I've denied all my life.


In regard to the support groups  if you didn't feel comfortable with them - you will need to find another group. At least you are with a support group here that I'm sure you realize TOTALLY SUPPORT you and are here for you always. 


Smile - You've come a long way,


Heather Shay

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I told my wife as soon as I was able to fully accept it. A couple weeks later I came out my told my brother then swallowed my pride and told my mother. A few days later I stared HRT. Two and a half months after that (last February) I told my supervisor at work. It was about the same time things were "developing". Thankfully it didn't bother him, and he gave me a hug. The rest of the company just found out a few weeks ago. I have been wearing woman's clothing and presenting as a woman for the last couple of years but as I have come to realize some people can't see what's right in front of them.

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yes - some people see what they only want to see...selective vision.


You are doing amazing as is Robin and I am so proud of both of you.

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For me I had thought the same thing when I needed to come out I would. When I first came out to my wife. She seemed as it was a joke. Then last Halloween came and I went out as the true me. It so blew up. from two fronts, my wife and youngest son. neither accept it. My wife doesn't understand it. Don't really think she truly wants to. Oh, She will let me transition but we won't be married anymore. I have slowed down. I am on blockers but the VA will not put me on HRT. due to blood clot history.


My middle son and his wife are totally accepting. then there is my oldest. When I came out to him. OH, my god. I have talked to him once since then for about 3 minutes. This was April. I have texted a couple few times. I guess we will see what happens when me and my wife visit him and his family next week.


Don't take my experience as what will happen. Like others have said. I would seek a gender therapist. They can help with all the emotional aspects of being transgender. 



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The only person other than my therapist I told was my primary care physician, I new that because of other medical conditions she would see the hormone therapy in my blood work.I wanted to see how I felt on the hormones before I told family.At about 6 months my eldest daughter said there was something going on with me and wanted to know if I was ill, she said I looked different to her.What I had not realized that with prior weight loss the hormone therapy had started to change my facial appearance somewhat.She was the first that I told followed by her sister and my 2 sons.The girls have been wonderful but the sons not so much.But now living full time everyone knows this is going to be permanent, and whatever time I have left I am going to live as Claire.

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I had this exact same thought, I wanted to be on hormones until I couldn't hide it any longer and I had no choice but to come out. But after some thought I said what the hell and told my family and now want to start HRT. Once I told the one person in my life I really didn't want to lose, I felt like the weight of the world has been lifted off my chest. I actually feel happy for once. I'm not saying that should be your path, everyone must walk a different life path, but for me it made the world feel like a completely different place where I could live as who I knew I was. What ever you decide to do, make sure it's safe for you. Remember, anyone that stops accepting you for who you are really doesn't need to be causing you any pain. Life's too short for any of that.

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If I could do things all over again, I'd choose to be on hormones for at least 6 months before presenting as a woman full time.


They've changed me so much, I personally feel it would have been so much less awkward for me had I waited.

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Mia Marie

According to one of my therapist, coming out to everyone has to be your choice of when and how. When I finally decided how to label myself for how I was feeling inside, I began talking to a LPC and then told my mom and a couple of close friends. My mom is taking it somewhat ok and has since told my brother who is ok with it. I actually live with my dad and have not told him yet. I just had labs done a couple of weeks ago after getting my letter to start HRT. I am going to wait until I can no longer hide the changes from him or work before I come out to everyone who doesn't yet know. I feel like it might make it easier for others to accept the transition. So it all comes to what you feel is right for you and I will say talk to your therapist to figure out the best way to go about it at the time you feel is right for you.

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