My Transgender Awakening

[Guest]

I've already written a fair amount, here on Trans Pulse, about myself including how my gender dysphoria got started so early in my life that most of my earliest memories revolve around it. I've also written about how I developed predilections that nowadays would fall under the ABDL umbrella and how the two somehow became inextricably intertwined. I think I've also written that for many decades I presumed I was the only person in the history of the world that could ever have been so afflicted. One of the reasons for this, I now realize, is I always eschewed popular culture. Somehow I saw myself as some kind of intellectual who was above much of it. (Of course this was all nonsense.) But what it did was to prevent me from becoming aware of the existence of others like myself until quite late in life. So herein is the story of how I finally came to learn I was not alone.

 

When I was around age 50, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer & underwent a radical prostatectomy. Anyway, subsequent to undergoing that surgery, I developed a double hernia which had to be repaired. (Apparently this isn't uncommon following prostate surgery.) I then ruptured a disc in my lumbosacral spine that impinged on the sciatic nerve & gave me sciatica. These experiences were really the beginning of my downhill slide into overt mental illness. I wasn't doing well... either at home or at work. So, one day, my wife suggested I quit my job & she would support us. (She always did earn more money than I did.) So that's what I did. I became a stay-at-home doggie daddy. At first I thought that after a short while I'd go out & find another job. But over time that idea faded for a number of reasons including my ongoing physical as well as mental health problems. And after a period of time (I don't recall how long) I made my first major attempt to end my life. I was hospitalized thereafter for a week or two after which I attended a partial hospital program for a period of time.

 

To the best of my recollection about 10 years went by while all of this was occurring. (My memory is spotty.) I had never used computers except at work & had no working knowledge of the internet or social media. However, at some point (again which I can't recall exactly), since I was home so much, my wife encouraged me to learn to use our home computer. And so I did. One of the things I found was YouTube. And one day when I was in my late 50's or perhaps 60, somehow I found a video that had been uploaded by a young transgender YouTuber who was documenting her transition. To this day I have no idea how I found that video because prior to that I don't think I had ever even heard the terms transgender or transsexual. But find it I did. The video was a picture montage of the YouTuber's transition to date set to the song: "Nobody Knows Me at All" by The Weepies. The song's still a favorite of mine. (The video is now long-since gone.) It was amazing! Here was someone who had experienced the same gender dysphoria struggle I had experienced  my whole life. And she was doing something about it! But as elated as I was to find this video, it also saddened me because I knew,  given my circumstances, it was too late for me. (I know they say it's never too late. But for me it was.) And 2 or 3 weeks later or so, as best as I can recall, I made my second and most serious suicide attempt yet. 

 

After a period of time in the hospital, first on a medical unit & subsequently on a psych ward, I returned home... no partial hospital program this time.  So almost immediately I was back on YouTube searching out more transgender timeline videos. At the time there was kind-of a little community of transgender YouTubers who were documenting their transitions & who followed one another's progress. And, gradually, I came to know several of them... to the extent one can know someone via the internet. I even uploaded a few videos of my own talking about my own situation. They're all long-since gone now too. (Sadly one of my YouTube acquaintances did "successfully" complete suicide.) I don't recall how I eventually lost touch with all of that. But over time I did. What I did not lose was the fond memories associated with that period of time, when I finally came to realize I was not alone, as well as the knowledge I gained regarding the transgender experience. Transgender YouTubers do still upload videos from time-to-time. But the "community" seems to be gone as far as I can tell. (And only just quite recently I've had a roughly similar enlightening regarding the ABDL community although I won't be uploading any YouTube videos on that subject.)

 

Anyway, that's how I went from feeling like I must have been the only male in the history of the world who ever longed to be female to the point where I at least understood I was far from alone. And despite the fact that it's too late for me, it still gives me comfort to know I'm not alone. I think that's incredibly important. And it's a large part of the reason I'm here on Trans Pulse now. 

 

P.S. In case anyone would happen to wonder, the reason I chose "Overalls Bear" as my username is because I mostly wear overalls & I love teddy bears. I've sometimes  been asked if I have a female name. I don't. Somehow it has just never seemed appropriate given my situation... sort-of like I was claiming for myself something that just wasn't true. However, ironically, my real first name is now beginning to be given to a few girl babies. Go figure... (Sigh)