Question about name changing

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

Hi there,

 

My name is Jude. I've recently realized I am non-binary or FTM and I have a question or two about name changes. Everything I can find on Google is about the legal aspect of name changing, or how it feels to be dead named.

 

My birth name is who I have been for 21 years, and because of this in certain moments I feel a little sad. It's not a painful sadness, or a negative sadness, but more a sadness because socially changing my name to Jude feels like a real step in leaving the past behind. All the nicknames my family and friends have for me, the history behind what my parents named me at birth, etc. By changing my name, I am letting go of this. It's not that I'm sad to let go, because I do feel like I can be more true to myself as Jude, but the act of letting go in itself that is sad. I'm also at an early stage in discovering my gender identity.

 

I'm excited most of the time, but these sad moments can be really invalidating. I don't see anyone talking about feeling this way online.  Is this feeling common, or can others relate?

 

[Jackie C.]

A little? I get where you're coming from. There's a lot of history bound up in your name and it feels like you're letting that go. Not something I really dealt with myself because my birth name wasn't something I was enthusiastic about to begin with. Towards the end, it just felt like an anchor around my neck. I still cringe when I hear it, which is a pain because I share it with two close friends.

 

It's also perfectly normal to question yourself during the process. It's a huge step and it's completely valid to have second or maybe third thoughts about the whole thing. "Am I making the right decision?" "Will people accept me?" "Will I regret this? (Which should be a big one in FtMs in my opinion. T-changes are a BEAST, you should be absolutely sure.)

 

That said, you're not really leaving any of that behind. I can still tell stories from the "before time," I just switch up the gender pronouns. It's more like you rotate. Parts of you move to the back, while your true self moves to the fore. Even so, like I keep saying, be sure before you do anything you can't take back, OK? We just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Don't let anybody pressure you into taking any steps you do not want to take.

 

Hugs!

[Confusedconfusedconfused]

40 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

A little? I get where you're coming from. There's a lot of history bound up in your name and it feels like you're letting that go. Not something I really dealt with myself because my birth name wasn't something I was enthusiastic about to begin with. Towards the end, it just felt like an anchor around my neck. I still cringe when I hear it, which is a pain because I share it with two close friends.

 

It's also perfectly normal to question yourself during the process. It's a huge step and it's completely valid to have second or maybe third thoughts about the whole thing. "Am I making the right decision?" "Will people accept me?" "Will I regret this? (Which should be a big one in FtMs in my opinion. T-changes are a BEAST, you should be absolutely sure.)

 

That said, you're not really leaving any of that behind. I can still tell stories from the "before time," I just switch up the gender pronouns. It's more like you rotate. Parts of you move to the back, while your true self moves to the fore. Even so, like I keep saying, be sure before you do anything you can't take back, OK? We just want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Don't let anybody pressure you into taking any steps you do not want to take.

 

Hugs!

100%. I don't feel any rush to make big decisions. I'm seeing a gender specialist now and my first step was to ask my closest friends to refer to me as he/him and Jude. Nothing further until I gain more knowledge and experience.

 

What you said about rotating, I identify with that a lot. Since having my first realization and beginning to dress like a man (as much as I can right now), I feel my true self coming forward while the parts of me that were "a facade" for lack of a better word, are being pushed back.

 

Thanks so much for your response. It made things a lot clearer.