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Hello -

 

Scanning through the recent posts, I can see I’m in good company. 
 

So. My spouse started identifying as trans last winter - in identity, name and pronouns. He’s already had a double mastectomy for other reasons - and no replacements - and masculine/male clothing came before that. 
 

I just didn’t realize he actually wanted to take T. He went through the thought process, decision, doctor appointment and decision with the doctor without telling me. The prescription was sent to the pharmacy before I knew, and the injection was the next day after he told me. That was a week and a half ago, so there has been a second injection too. 
 

I feel really down on myself for struggling with it all. I feel like I should have realized it was coming and that I should be more at ease with it, because he’s so far along already. I’m determined not to be someone who impedes someone else’s self and happiness. So I try not to talk about my difficulties too much. Then I blurt something out because I’ve stuffed my feelings in and they can’t stay there. 
 

I believe I would be connected with and attracted to him if I met him after transition, but how do you go through letting go of parts of the person you chose before transition?  How do you deal with a difference in the face of someone you’re used to looking at so often?  How do you accept being left out of the process that got him to this point?

 

Ka

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MaryMary

It's a process. You have to give you time and space to "transition" so to speak. I noticed IRL and in my experience that someone near to transgender people go trough a period of mourning and transition themselves. I think that it's a healthy reflex to give yourself the right to process the news. It will not switch on/off overnight and you are not alone going trough that.

 

Often we think when we are about to make our coming out that we are alone in this. I know that I was thinking that myself when starting the process. It was actually a surprise to see the amount of support I had. It's a very personnal process a transition and also frought with fear, taboo and apprehension. I don't know him but my guess is that maybe it was emotions such as fear that made him do all of this without speaking about it with others that much.

 

I think it start with giving yourself the time, the biggest time is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second think in my opnion is to have empathy and show him you are here for him. Maybe it will reduce the fear and help and when he'll be ready then he will open up more.

 

anyway, I hope what I said was of some help. It's a huge thing you did just coming here and writing this. I think it's already an amazing thing you did. Keep it up ;)

 

 

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MaryMary

"the biggest trap is to think we are able to accept such news very quick. The second thing in my opnion is to have empathy"

sorry for the mistakes :P

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Ka, you're post was heartfelt and difficult, emotionally, to read.  It took courage to write it. 

 

I will say that the best thing I did was to involve my spouse immediately after coming out.  From the second session on of gender therapy, we attended all sessions together, which was as helpful for me as for her. 

 

So, if further therapy is a possibility, then I would urge that it involve you both.

 

Hugs,

 

Astrid

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KathyLauren

Hi, Ka, and welcome.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, but glad that you are trying to be accepting.  It is a tough journey for the spouses of trans people.  I hope you are looking for support to help you cope, because you have a transition thrust upon you, and you are right that you can't hold it all in.

 

I do think it is uncool that your spouse didn't share with you his intention to start on T.  We have to include our spouses in our journey.  It is the price of support.  Keeping the relationship together through the stresses of a transition requires good communication both ways.  I know that my wife would never have forgiven me if I had started my transition without telling her.

 

Do talk with other spouses if you get the chance.  I know it helped my wife to understand what was going on with me and to accept it.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

Salutations Ka!

 

Mary's probably got his motivations down. After all, you didn't marry a man. The most terrifying million years in my life was that stretch between, "Sweetie, I'm trans," and "I think I'm OK with it." Granted, I didn't start E until six months later, but that was more plowing my way through the system than willingness to start taking my femme and m's. I didn't have a plan B. (Which was stupid, but I never claimed to be a genius.) I was terrified that she'd throw me out of the house.

 

That said, your partner should have communicated his desire to transition ahead of time. I'm sure he wanted to, it was absolutely killing me to keep it a secret from my spouse. Still, fear makes us do stupid things. Now that it's out there though, communication is key. I see that you and I are the same age, so you should know that relationships are built on communication. You both need to keep talking to each other, reassuring each other (I need just SO much reassurance and so does my spouse) and doing things together. It's your transition too and you're going to need time to get used to the changes. You both should be comfortable if your marriage is going to thrive.

 

Good luck and we're always here if either of you need to talk.

 

Hugs!

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Thank you for responding, MaryMary, Astrid, KathyLauren and Jackie. It helps so much to hear from others about your experiences and perspectives. 
 

Any thoughts on how to deal with the in between time of now and wondering what he will look/be like in a couple of years?  I’m feeling unstable with the unknown, whereas he’s excited about the unknown. 

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  • Forum Moderator
Jackie C.

You could run him through a facetime app and do the gender switch. You should also talk about facial hair. I personally hate it with a fiery passion (I hated it when I could grow it too), BUT a lot of trans-men grow it out a bit to look more masculine.

 

Hugs!

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Could you tell me how to be notified when someone replies?  I thought I set it up that way, but I’m not receiving notifications. Thanks so much. 

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  • Admin
VickySGV
40 minutes ago, Ka said:

Could you tell me how to be notified when someone replies?  I thought I set it up that way, but I’m not receiving notifications.

 

Go up to your Profile icon or picture in the upper right hand corner of the pages,  click on it, and choose the Follow Content from the list.  This will let you follow topics or posts, of your own and others you choose to follow.

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Hey KA

Welcome aboard. 

Yeah most of the above advice is great .

Good luck, your support means a lot to him and that the best thing you can for anyone

Love and patient 

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ElizabethStar

I'm not good with advice but I have experience.

 

I will admit it, I did the same thing. I had come out to my wife as trans months before but we never really talked about it. I made appointments, saw doctors and started hrt without her knowledge. I did it out of fear. Although we have been married for 10 years, she never knew how I felt about myself. It was hard enough for me to accept (I almost ended myself) , so how would she react? Would she: scream and cry?, blast me on social media?, divorce me?, set me of fire while I slept? Granted we have other reasons to stay together but love can only take so much. I couldn't wait any longer for someone else to decide what's best for me based on their feelings. I know it was wrong of me, I was being selfish. Thankfully, we're now able to talk about it, move forward and stay together. I got lucky.

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It helps to hear your story, ElizabethStar. Thank you. Best to you -

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7 hours ago, Lexi C said:

Hey KA

Welcome aboard. 

Yeah most of the above advice is great .

Good luck, your support means a lot to him and that the best thing you can for anyone

Love and patient 

Thanks!

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