i'm back and still confused

[Luhleleri]

okayyy so i made a thread here back in april, and the general conclusion it came to was "i'm probably not cis".

(for context i'm AFAB and 17)

 

since then, i've still been questioning and very confused. i don't think i'm cis? i'm not really sure. my interpretation of what it means to be trans is "the gender of your brain doesn't match your body" - but there's no way to tell whether or not i have a female brain.

 

when i was growing up, i never expressed that i felt like i wasn't a girl, and i never that i felt i was a guy. i just despised things that were stereotypically "girly".

 

when i went through puberty, i didn't feel any specific discomfort regarding my gender. i felt uncomfortable with my breasts/ genitals, but not in a "i wish they weren't there" way. i was fine with having them, and i sometimes even liked my breasts, i just didn't like touching them, which was weird. puberty didn't cause me any stress regarding gender. at the first sign of my period i did cry, but i remember that i was scared that it may have been symptoms of being ill, rather than a period, so that might have been why. when i had my first proper period, i was actually happy.

 

but more recently it's been different, i guess? i'd never considered "do i wish i were a guy?". and now that i've considered it, it's hard to stay away from the idea. i think i have dysphoria??? i CAN ignore it/ tolerate it - ex. i can shower just fine. but it occurs when i REALLY think about it. as long as i don't think about it , i'm fine.

 

between april and now, i had some points where i thought i was just a gnc cis girl. i stil presented masculine, but i still felt that i was a girl.

 

i feel like the thing that i'm finding it hard to get my head around is my body. i do like my body, i know it's nice because i've put loads of time into working out. but it's not really my body?? kinda?? sometimes i feel that way.

 

i'm just scared that i'm unconsciously seeing being trans as a 'trend' or something. i'm scared that i've made myself start believing that i'm either non-binary or ftm for attention or something. cus i do feel like i often create non existent problems in my head, so maybe this is just one of those things?

 

i haven't seen a gender therapist, i really don't feel like i'm in the position to do so either. i couldn't begin to describe the situation to my parents. i've wanted a general therapist for years, but i've not got one because i just can't talk to my parents about that stuff, i can't bring myself to do that. i should be able to next year though, i'll be going to drama school in London, as long as i make it through the auditions.

 

which is another thing... if i am trans, transitioning would mess with my career (musical theatre) so much... i just don't think i could do it. i'd at least have to wait until after drama school i think? also i'm really scared of surgery because i had spinal surgery last year and i just... can't go through it again. + i'm scared that i might not be trans so what if i regret it?

 

also i came out to my bf yesterday!! he's really supportive which is great <33 i think having somebody to talk to/ somebody who refers to me as a guy will help me understand better too.

 

also, how did some of you KNOW you were trans? maybe some little things that confirm it for you? i've tried researching it and it's always just the basic things you'd expect to hear.

 

sooo yeah! sorry that this is messy and a big ramble with no grammar. I just needed to jump on here and say everything because i need some tips.

also i don't know how to change my user name on here, but i'd like it if you used the name jax! thanks a bunch!!!

[Luhleleri]

thank you so much, i really needed to hear that 

[Robin]

9 hours ago, MaryMary said:

You can be anything, you can like anything and dress in any way that match your taste (and in more extreme cases your tolerence at sticking out, lol)

 

If you can be happy with no medical anything it's great and you will still potentially not fall in a binary and will totally be able to be you.

 

The goal is happiness and being able to be yourself with double underline at being yourself. I would even go farther in my opinion here. In an ideal world people like me who are more extreme, had involontary physical symptoms of dysphoria and been suicidal and done extreme things when it comes to expressing dysphoria out loud are not the model to follow. I'm not saying it's wrong, I think I have a right to being healthy just as much as anybody.  But, you can do just some small adjustment to be yourself and be more happy and you will be just has trans as me and just as valid as any human being.

 

I think that this is a very positive way to view the subject of gender identity.  The media can often give the impression that feeling "normal" is a bit of an anti-climax, and that surely, doing something more extreme would be better.

 

Robin.

[Jackie C.]

12 hours ago, Luhleleri said:

also, how did some of you KNOW you were trans? maybe some little things that confirm it for you? i've tried researching it and it's always just the basic things you'd expect to hear.

 

For me it was PAINFULLY obvious. I was (am?) absolutely terrible at being a boy and often pretended to be a girl when I was alone.

 

12 hours ago, Luhleleri said:

i'm just scared that i'm unconsciously seeing being trans as a 'trend' or something. i'm scared that i've made myself start believing that i'm either non-binary or ftm for attention or something. cus i do feel like i often create non existent problems in my head, so maybe this is just one of those things?

 

That's an excellent frame of mind. My therapist and I have chatted about this topic a lot in regard to FtMs. Being a woman in western culture... most cultures really, we need to do something about that... sucks. There's a big difference in being trans and thinking, "Gosh, my life would be so much BETTER if I was a boy." Boys get better stuff. They get more opportunities. They get a pass on a lot of things women have to struggle for. They get hired more easily. They get better jobs and wages. Basically, women are second class citizens.

All of those things make becoming a dude very attractive. However, your brain has a self-image. If you're not actually trans, transitioning won't improve your quality of life. Period. You should never, ever take steps to transition unless you are absolutely sure. I mean the-Goddess-descends-on-a pillar-of-light-and-hands-you-a-tablet sure.

 

Now then, I'm not an expert but our usual stance is, "Cis people don't question their gender." It sounds like you might have some level of being non-binary going on. That's perfectly OK. Cross-dressing is a thing. I have a very good friend who is perfectly comfortable only letting his feminine side out on the weekends. That's fantastic.

You may be able to find a similar balance. The most important part of the journey is figuring out what makes YOU happy and doing that. It doesn't have to be a big production where doctors get involved. If can just be you dressing up now and again to relive pressure. There don't have to be sweeping changes. Maybe just a, "Hey guys, when I'm dressed like a dude, use he/him/his and call me, Jerry," for your friends.

Honestly, as long as you're happy, everything is OK.

 

If you want to explore these feelings further, by all means talk to a gender therapist. I recommend that anyway. Talk to a professional. Figure out what's right for you, then do that. Nobody else can tell you what that is. It's just about being the best, happiest you that you can be.

 

Hugs!

[Luhleleri]

thank you, this really helps!

[Luhleleri]

i’ve been thinking about it more, and i guess i do have dysphoria (not diagnosed yet of course), at least to some extent. it’s pretty mild in comparison to others’ experiences, as it only occurs when i think about how much happier/ how ‘right’ i would feel as a guy. it’s like i figured out i could live as a guy if i wanted to, and now knowing i’m not living as a guy/ don’t have a male body kinda hurts. it’s weird, it’s like dysphoria that wasn’t initially present, but now it is. 

 

i do want to be guy. i think i’d be happier as a guy. maybe that’s just because guys have it better off in life. but i do think it would feel right. although when i think about it, some aspects don’t feel quite right? maybe i’m more trans mac’s non binary rather than entirely male? 

 

but i know i’ve looked at male friendship groups multiple times and thought “wow i wish that were me”. so i’m not really sure.

 

also on the non-binary thing - i remember when i was a kid i used to look androgynous so i’d do this thing where i pretended i was presenting a show where people had to guess if i was girl or a boy, i’m not sure if that’s a sign of me not being cis of if that was just my response to the fact i looked androgynous. 

 

ignoring all the ways it would feel “right” living as a guy/ how i feel like i might be male, i also feel like i want to be male. i just think it’s be nice? i just feel like it would make me happy. i feel like it would be easier to explain to others than being non binary too, which might be the reason i keep leaning away from thinking i’m non binary...

[Jani]

If you feel so strongly about living as a male then, non binary is probably not for you.  It may be easier to explain, as you note.  I think you need to initiate a plan to move forward.  Contact the NHS GIC near you to get on the list for services.  I think you'd do well.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[Luhleleri]

thank you so much, i really needed to hear something like that to be honest. i keep having doubts like “what if the dysphoria isn’t strong enough”, which i think is mostly due to my generations obsession with the dysphoria debate/ tumblr discourse, along with the thing where people get accused of being “trans trenders”. which makes me wonder if i’m just gnc cis and confused because my dysphoria isn’t particularly strong and it sort of disappears and reappears.

 

i think i’m gonna wait a little while before i take any action, since i want to be 100% sure that i’m trans and that this is the right thing for me to do before i take any lore steps. i think talking about it on forums like this is really helpful, so thank you to you all! i really needed to hear other people’s opinions on this because my brian was just in a gender tangle.

 

for now i’m just gonna work through my thoughts/ emotions by chatting on forums like this and talking to my bf about it. just to make sure i entirely know that that i’m trans.

[Jani]

What I wrote wasn't earth shattering news.  You've written a bit here and it seems obvious to me which direction you need to move.  Call you GIC, the wait list is long I've heard.  It may be a year, and you can always cancel  if things change.  In the meantime talking with others is good but be aware of those who have their own agenda.  You make all the decisions in this.  Its about you and no one else.  

 

Jani

[KathyLauren]

I was just about to post this when I saw that @Jani just did, but I'll say it again anyway: Call the GIC now!  The wait lists in the UK are so insane that it will be a couple of years before you get in.  If you call now, you'll have your foot in the door.  That way, if you decide that you are indeed trans, you're on your way and will have less time to wait.  If you decide in the meantime that you are not trans, you can always withdraw from the wait list.

[Luhleleri]

thank you! it all makes sense when i write it down, but my brain’s in a big mess. i really should contact the GIC, i’m just finding it stressful at the moment 

[Ivy]

I know that stress.   When I finally realized I had to take a first step, it took me 4 or 5 attempts complete with panic attacks before I could make that first phone call.  Once I did, the relief was incredible.