An Introduction

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

This is me as I have lived up to now:

OK, no just K. Kay? No its K or Kae which is the phonetic spelling for the letter K. Truth be said its Kylara Ann. Ky pronounced like HI in "Hi ya doin" with Laura but spelled lara. Kylara is my preferred name. I am a transgendered woman.  What is that? I am a  woman who was born a man and a woman. Something like that. Let that sit a moment.
Even as a child I remember feeling I was not like the other boys around me. I liked dressing up in girls clothes, putting make up on and always wanting to just socialize with the girls, never the boys. I tried to be like a boy for a long time, a very long time and I lived a lie for over 35 years. During this time I went through adolescence,  puberty,  early adulthood with 2 marriages with children. All along feeling,  this was not quite right. Yes, I questioned myself over the years. Was something wrong with me? Did God make a mistake? Who am I? What am I? What are you doing?  Many questions presented their selves. But the question of an authentic life has the subtlty of a fire alarm. You eventually have to listen to what your body is telling you. I am not male. I may look like it but there was something missing all along. That feeling I guess all men get of being a man. Never there. Some say God dosnt make mistakes,  no he dosnt, but he does give us unique situations which we as humans tend to totally mess up. Drs messed up cause I was born both male and female.  Not a mistake. 

With this in mind what does a person do who has been left in the dark for so many years? Fumble around with feeble hands and a feeble mind. Till one day by accident, a very big accident you discover there is more. To find that your feelings all along were right and something was missing is like a door opening and everything is illuminated in such a profound way. I understand so completely why I felt certain feelings, why I  hurt when I hurt and wanting just to connect.  Transgender. Woman. It made sense but I met unacceptance by people in my life. In one way or another I faced not being accepted in some of the most profound ways. Either ignorance or hatred will be the culprit in setting you up for defeat. In the quest to be a more authentic self I have been beaten,  scorned, made to make choices that killed something inside. Purging everything then eventually going back to what others said was an abomination,  I had feelings of guilt for going back to what others did not like. I tried to fit, but a triangle will not fit in a square, no matter how hard you try.  Eventually you have to accept yourself and let what others say or do fall away and not let it bother you. In this world where we all worry what everyone else thinks about you and you want to fit in but no matter what, you never do. I eventually moved towards living a more authentic life where I can dress and feel like myself.  Not an alien in my skin.

Forward a few years, I am on hormones and trying to live as close as to the life I wanted. Surrounding myself with more positive people who support instead of ridicule. Acceptance is what we all look for, but only a few get or know what it is. I came into this world flawed according to what doctors of the time believed and was never given a choice. Today there are laws protecting children who are born like me. To me to be born both and not allowed to set my path was the most inhumane thing anyone could do to another person.  We are told that we are to love one another unconditionally.  We fall so short all the time weather its racial, straight against LGBT, left against right we all have fallen so very short.  I have lived as closely to my authentic self as much as possible, but there are sometimes and some people I will protect Kylara at all costs. I work as a private contractor so I do present as much as I dare, but never fully as my true self.  It pains me always but sometimes its better to be safe  instead of sorry. I do eagerly await the time when we are accepted and no one is waiting around the corner to do irreparable damage. After watching friends getting attacked at functions where they are trying to educate people it makes me wonder will there ever be peace. No one forces anyone to come and sit with us or visit the places we come together. If you dont like it, dont come, we're better off without you and your venom. I am not alone, I have friends, a wonderful support group who helps with no hesitation.  All this and a soul mate whowho has taken time to discover me, the real me and help me explore the me that has for so long tried to come out. Clothes, make up, hair, stockings and heels dressed to the nines. I am in a very good relationship with a special individual who I freely give control. Well most of the time, sometimes its my job to make things interesting. Chris understands me in ways no one else ever has. From my feelings about what I have been through to when I was born and no one asked me what I wanted. I know, an infant cant choose, but they could have left me alone and left it up to me as I grew up. I have toiled over this and still wonder is it safe, how much will it cost me. Family, friends, people who are my clients who I actually consider friends? People I deal with on a daily basis dont know, well some have clues but not everyone knows everything.  Thats kinda like compartmentalization which I have learned over the years to keep parts of me hidden and safe.  
So here is my delima... where do I start? Name change? Facebook changes? Who will be around once this starts. Who will stay and who will say you are weird and I dont need to know you. I recently come out in my church, the church I have known all my life. No acceptance,  none what so ever. Even after you explain your life and what you have faced over the years. Being told that you can be seen only as what Drs left you as really destroys your world. People who you have known all your life, some do connect and understand and others choose to deny you exist. When people you have known all your life, people who went to school, cried with you and held you choose to turn their backs to you because you wish to be you it tends to feel like a knife through your back. This is what I fear the most, loosing everyone who I care for in my life. Oh I know Chris will be with me, that is my rock I  need. God anchors me too but I think its going to be a rough time over the next few month's. 
When do you decide to make it final,  that you will be you,  your true self. Well I guess thats what makes this so hard. I scream inside at times, longing to go out and be who I am. I have been told that I dont have to be in a dress, or be wearing a wig to be myself, but I am a effeminate, female, a true PRISS and I love to be this. To be your self,  your true self is to be free. Anything less is a lie.

 

NOTE:

I had done these entries on notepad over months over the past 2 years and to look back and see where I have come from really opens your eyes so you see what you have experienced and a glimpse at the near future. Now I am out to my clients, all of them and the most heart felt thing I have had is the most recent. Recently I was called in and yes I was reading the worse but it wasn't to be. The one client who I feared over my life actually sat me down and asked me that with all the job we do she asked if there was anything or anywhere I would feel uncomfortable going and doing. She was concerned about my safety and well being. I had never come out but I was dressing in a manner that eventually she had come to the conclusion there was something going on. When she said she was concerned because I was in transition and she was scared for me and Chris. It was a great day and the clouds had lifted and the day was the bright, brighter than it had been in a long time. I still deal with storms and demons but I have my foundation of people who love me and take care of me. I love all my RAINBOW FAMILY.

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

[Susan R]

This is a very nicely written biography, @Kylara Anne Bagwell. I can relate to many of the thoughts and experiences you’ve had over your life’s journey. I enjoyed reading it very much.

2 hours ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

To be your self,  your true self is to be free. Anything less is a lie.

I think your last statement here sort of sums it up for me and the main reason I decided to transition fully. I had compartmentalized my life to the point I was living a complete lie. Hiding the best and truest part of myself behind society’s expectations of who I should be. I finally stood up for my true self and it looks like you’re on your way to do the same for yourself. Good for you and thanks for sharing a part of yourself here today.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Sharing this most personal part of my life is like the clouds parting and the sunshine beaming through. Live your life not a lie and be the very best you that you are meant to be. Never doubt nor look back if it makes you feel whole.

 

We have to live to our fullest ability or we will never be who we are supposed to be.

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

[Susan R]

On 8/14/2020 at 4:19 PM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

Sharing this most personal part of my life is like the clouds parting and the sunshine beaming through. Live your life not a lie and be the very best you that you are meant to be. Never doubt nor look back if it makes you feel whole.

What a beautiful analogy. You certainly have a way with words. Thank you for sharing. I’m very glad you joined our little family Kylara Anne!

 

My Best,

Susan R?

[KayC]

Hi Kylara Anne.  Thank you for expanding on your original introduction and sharing these intimate feelings with us.  Like @Susan R said, and as I told you before, I can connect with many of your feelings and your desire for a future of freedom in your self-acceptance and identity.

 

You've really written an anthem that is profound encouragement for many of us here.  Happy to join you on similar journeys❣️

[Mmindy]

On 8/13/2020 at 10:03 PM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

I still deal with storms and demons but I have my foundation of people who love me and take care of me. I love all my RAINBOW FAMILY

Kylara 'Hi Lara' 

 

l love that your name is a greeting. On of my storms is that my real friends and extended family don't accept the real me. Like you, I Love My Rainbow ? Family.

 

>HUGS<

 

Mindy???

[Erikka]

Hei Kylara,

Welcome to our group. May you find the support and friendship here that is often denied by others.
Here it is safe to be authentic, here it is that you may find a peace so difficult to find outside the pages of these forums. 

  To come out or not to come out is more than just a question, it is statement. When you finally get to the point where denial and hiding are no longer tolerable, that is when friends and family show their authenticity. I am fortunate in that even some of my more conservative friends and family do support me, unfortunately my siblings are not among those in my corner.. But the thing that is so distressing, we tend to measure our success by those that reject us and not by those who fully accept us for who we are. It is a half empty vision. 

Velsignelser

Erikka

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

7 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Kylara 'Hi Lara' 

 

l love that your name is a greeting. On of my storms is that my real friends and extended family don't accept the real me. Like you, I Love My Rainbow ? Family.

 

>HUGS<

 

Mindy???

Kylara means peace in Gaelic. Its pronounced Ky- as in Hi and Lara as Laura. It has always been on my tongue since I read it in The Dragonriders of Perm series by Anne McCaffrey.  The name has always been in my head as I want to be known.

 

Kylara Ann

[Lexi C]

On 8/13/2020 at 9:27 PM, Susan R said:

On 8/13/2020 at 7:03 PM, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

To be your self,  your true self is to be free. Anything less is a lie.

I think your last statement here sort of sums it up for me and the main reason I decided to transition fully. I had compartmentalized my life to the point I was living a complete lie. Hiding the best and truest part of myself behind society’s expectations of who I should be. I finally stood up for my true self and it looks like you’re on your way to do the same for yourself.

 Hey Welcome aboard Kylara Ann. Like yr vibe

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

I have been out for about 10 years but prior to that I had tried to be me but I was repeatedly instructed to get rid of the side of me that I had so hard to bring out. I have never denied who or what I was. I have always known who I.amb it's just been 2 steps forward and 12.steps back with someone telling me that I was in the wrong. Never again! I have wasted so much of my life being someone and something I am most definitely not. Yes I am.on hormones and my body at age 50+ has responded so very well. Some people have asked me if I want surgeries but to me its almost a mute point for me at this point in my life. FFS is a point I could do with but I'm self employed and my insurance will not cover it so that's out. FVS surgery is out as I have trained these pipes quiet well if I say so myself. As I said a moment ago my body has responded beautifully to hormones to where breast augmentation is not necessary. I am happy my lovely beauties. Sometimes I wish I had bottom surgery many years ago when I had a good clear chance with insurance that would cover but someone tore my world apart by informing my  naive self that even with surgeries I would not be able give a child to the man I would love one day. This sent me into a whirlwind where I wanted more than anything to not exist. I was destroyed and thought life was over. I spent a few years doing things I probably shouldn't have and started working for myself being an independent boat master while still living a deep lie. I finally started wearing women's clothes again. I couldn't help myself as it was the only time I felt complete inside. Try that on a boat with a crew of 5. DANGER is the word we learned very fast. The crew I hired assaulted me and threw me over the stern. This was my first date with death and let me say it was very eye opening. I was lucky as another boat was close and its crew saw what had happened when I went over and they came to my rescue. Actually calling the coast guard and ramming into my boat. At this point I could have cared less about the damage. I was drowning and I remember the mouth dulls of salty river mud forced down my throat. Being caught in a shrimp net can do all kinds of things when dragged in shallow waters. The other boats crew.took over till the coast guard arrived. I was pulled back over the rail and two of the  personnel from the coast guard worked on me cleaning out debris to try and revive me. Cold water is your friend when you drown. Although pronounced dead on the scene and my crew being arrested for murder I for some reason took a breath. That was the first of many hard breaths for the next 2 weeks. I actually sat in the hospital and asked the good Lord above, why did you let me live. Life has been hell, can't I have a break. Well no you can't but I will lend you help and a cold as steel 

conscience that will allow you to calmly navigate troubles in this trial you call life. It has served me well since. Yes I am cold, I protect myself and those around me whom I consider my family. I died a second time and while riding a Trek road bike training for the Mount Mitchell Assault. I was dead again and this time I was in the bag when the paramedic in the back of the truck noticed movement and sound. I had a head injury along with broken ribs, crushed vertebrae and road rash from head to toe. November 19 1999, left me in the hospital till 2 weeks before Christmas. Again I asked, no I screamed... Why the hell am I still here! My answer came about 2 years later in the form of my oldest daughter and then 2 years after that with my youngest daughter. Well at least thats what I thought. Their mom didnt like the fact she was married to a -crossdresser- as she would call me. Talk about painful and plane ole cruel. So I was given a ultimatum that it was either her or the other side of me that had to leave. I purged and became mean and spiteful which was killing me inside. I love my gurls but it was during and something had to be done. I told the wife then I was out. I didn't feel safe and I was so unhappy and I know about her side friends so I wasn't going to live the lie anymore. I soon met Chris who is also trans, female to male. We hot it off almost immediately. He has let me explore me and encouraged me in live a truth that has eluded me for so long. He is also finally living his truth and exploring parts of him that has always been denied. I tell my story to those who will listen. I know someone is watching over me and in that I sleep very well at nite. I have people ridicule me.for my beliefs but I see it thus way. He made us all and he knows is through and through and if we didn't please him in the way we live then we wouldn't be here. Some folks tell me the bible condemns you for being you, but to me man's hands have been in that book far more than Gods has. I feel sorry for the judgemental, they are ignorant and if they walked in our shoes maybe they would see the would as we do. Yes there is a God and he loves me for sure, too many bad thing have happened to me and still I am here alive and still fighting for the rights so many of us are denied. I know why I am here and I look forward to the fight. I have a great support system and a great teacher. 

 

Oh WOW I really do have a lot to say. I just never get it all out all at once. Sorry for the book...

 

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell

[Susan R]

57 minutes ago, Kylara Anne Bagwell said:

I feel sorry for the judgemental, they are ignorant and if they walked in our shoes maybe they would see the would as we do. Yes there is a God and he loves me for sure, too many bad thing have happened to me and still I am here alive and still fighting for the rights so many of us are denied. I know why I am here and I look forward to the fight. I have a great support system and a great teacher.

Your story has so much in it I bet if we were in a coffee shop we’d talk for hours and hours. All I can say is WOW! absolutely incredible story Kylara Anne.

 

The quoted text above is very much what I believe. I have been saved from near death  and blessed so many times in my life that I believe there has to be a God and Creator. I can tell you have that conviction through and through and it’s shows clearly in your writing. Thank you for sharing more of your life with us today. I can’t wait to hear more about you and your journey.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

I am so sorry for the typos and there are some missing words. Usually my Grammer is good but either my fingers are too fast or my tablets predictive text is really messing with me. Is there an edit option anywhere in the forum?

 

 

Kylara Ann

[Maddee]

Oh my goodness welcome Kylara!

 

Don't know how to edit.

[Abi]

Hi @Kylara Anne Bagwell. You can request that a moderator edit or delete a post after you have submitted it. That's the only way that I know of. Have a great day!

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

Thank you.

 

KAB

[Selina]

Hi Kylara, wow what an amazing story! I can relate to a great deal of it. I am 62 and finally admitted and accepted what I've known my entire life, but ran from. I am a woman. You are a couageous woman and I admire your persistence in being true to yourself in the face of great adversity. Thank you so much for sharing your story as it's important and will help others. I still am not living my truth, but am heading that way. 

[Kylara Anne Bagwell]

You have to be you. Anything less is a lie and will eventually burn you out. Be you and never look back.

 

Kylara Ann Bagwell