a brief intro...

[Steff7]

who am i ?  ...that is the question...

 

i'm not a natural writer, so bear with me - this is the 1st i've comitted any of this to print.  

 

i will try & keep this brief, mainly 'cos i don't want to bore anyone, but also 'cos i'm considering a blog recounting some of the more bizarre, amusing, & tragic moments in my life - mainly for catharsis, but also 'cos it might give people a laugh, or provide a 'what not to do guide'...  (and it would be far too long for an 'intro')

 

in short i am a mtf transgender and a (partially-closeted) transvestite ; i am 45 years old, single, and not yet living openly due to family circumstances (suffice to say that even though my cousin has been 'out' & in a loving relationship for 20+ years. i'm still considered very much the 'black sheep' of the family...) , the careers i have had, and the places i've found myself living.  Belfast in the 70's, 80's & 90's wasn't the most tolerant place in the world, aside from its historical problems.

 

I have known from the age of 7 or 8 that i was a female stuck in a male body, which caused the familiar problems/persecution through school and into most of my adult life.  I'm 5'7", 145lb, slim/atletic, brown shot hair, blue eyes.   I have 'came out' 3 times to people i trusted ( at the time), and each time was a disaster of varying degrees - i ended up having to move home 14 times in 20 years...   the careers i've been involved in (various engineering, security work), the sports i was involved in (motorcycle racing, competitive rifle/pistol shooting, milsim) and the dark circles of people i have moved in were also very intolerant.    never stopped being accused of being gay though.....(don't consider myself as such, but thats an arguament for a different time...)

 

since my BFF died young in 2010 i have basically lived 'off the grid' , and been deliberately celibate for the last 10+ years, keeping my identity secret 'cos i was tired of being '-toasted- with' (apologies for language - censor if req'd).   I am now only looking for sympathetic friends in preference to dates or a relationship...(though i still hold out a faint hope...)

 

now, at 45 i've decided i want to reveal the real me (if that makes sense) , and would love to hear if ;

1 - there are sympathetic people in Belfast/N.I (or the wider community) who would like to chat on-line, with a view to friendship if there's a connection (dream is 'girly' nights out)

2 - advice/opinions on what my course of action should be (would love to fully transition)

3 - is there any interest in reading a blog about any of the more funny/bizarre/dangerous episodes in my life  (all names & identifying details will be changed to protect the innocent/guilty...including myself)

4 - make-up tips, as my efforts so far produce a result somewhere between Marilyn Manson, Widow Twanky, & Pennywise the Clown (tim burton/90's version)

 

ttfn,

Steff7.

 

(pix will follow when i can screw up the necessary confidence, although a sympathetic friend/photographer would speed this up...)

[Ivy]

HI Steff.

I'm a newbe here myself, but I can say you'll be welcomed.

 

52 minutes ago, Steff7 said:

never stopped being accused of being gay though.....(don't consider myself as such, but thats an arguament for a different time...)

This might be a discussion for a different time, IDK.  But in my own experience I have found that sometimes others pick up on things that we are not aware of about our own selves.

 

Anyway for now, just welcome.

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Steff7! Welcome to Transpulse! We're glad you're here!

 

Hey! Ireland! My family is from there! I had a great uncle in Her Majesty's Royal Navy. We had a tintype of him in his uniform.

 

I'm sorry that your road has been a bit bumpy. It doesn't have to be, but I understand that Ireland has only become progressive socially in the last couple of years. I can say with some certainty that being in a relationship as your true self is absolutely possible. It's easier when you don't have to hide such a bit part of yourself from your partner.

 

Tragically, I know Jack-All about Belfast. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will chime in?

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

Greetings @Steff7, welcome to TransPulseForums

 

You are among like minded people here. I'm a late in life transition MtF person as well. As for you not knowing what your career life should be, I was 42 when I started my on business. The early years are a true struggle, if you can be happy with what you do, and cover overhead for the business, the total money you make is not as important.

 

You will find good caring people here with helpful advice in response to your questions. Also the blog idea is cool too, and if you have a YouTube Channel Vlogs may be another outlet.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe.

 

Mindy???

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Steff.  I hope that you find the support here that you're looking for.  Please ask whatever questions come to mind.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[DeeDee]

Hi Steff, pleased to meet you. It can take a while to answer the "who am I" question, let alone pluck up the courage to do something about it. I highly recommend blogging for catharsis, I have found blogging a great way to collect and collate my thoughts over the last couple of years.

You will definitely find a friendly welcome here  

As for advice and options, that is up to you.

The first conversation is usually with a therapist/counsellor of some sort, they can help you get your ducks in order and as you are in N. Ireland they could probably put you in touch with the right people. 

At some point you would need to make the decision between private or NHS  effectively money or time: https://transgenderni.org.uk/healthcare/ may help you with some information.

As far as makeup goes, honestly it's just watching a lot of youtube videos and then practice - every girl has looked like a pantomime dame at some point in their lives! There are some good threads to read through on here, unless you are aiming for a goth aesthetic Pennywise is probably not a good look. ?

[Susan R]

Welcome @Steff7. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. Your journey sounds intriguing and I hope to read more about your ‘trials and tribulations’ up to this point. Many of us are tired of hiding in the shadows. I can totally understand the need to reach out. I needed to do this too for my own well being. You have hit the jackpot finding this forum, imho ?. We are here for you and will try to support you with friendship, information, advice or simply a shoulder anytime you need one. Let us know how we can help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Steff7]

4 hours ago, Jandi said:

HI Steff.

I'm a newbe here myself, but I can say you'll be welcomed.

 

This might be a discussion for a different time, IDK.  But in my own experience I have found that sometimes others pick up on things that we are not aware of about our own selves.

 

Anyway for now, just welcome.

hi Jandie,

i appreciate the welcome, thank you.

 

i am definitely mtf trans at heart , although my actual attractions do require more explanation (i think, it may be more common than i expect, my experience with the community are rather limited...).    definitely something i will discuss in a blog if there is enough interest...

 

anyway, thanks again,

Steff.

[Steff7]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

Welcome @Steff7. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. Your journey sounds intriguing and I hope to read more about your ‘trials and tribulations’ up to this point. Many of us are tired of hiding in the shadows. I can totally understand the need to reach out. I needed to do this too for my own well being. You have hit the jackpot finding this forum, imho ?. We are here for you and will try to support you with friendship, information, advice or simply a shoulder anytime you need one. Let us know how we can help.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

hi Susan,

thank you for the welcome - must say it is a rare to feel accepted rather than a pariah.

definitely considering a blog if i am allowed as a new member - would be different to be able to openly discuss my feelings, mildly incoherent & confusing as they may appear to be...

 

sincere thanks,

Steff.

[Steff7]

hi Jackie,

thanks for the reply ; the welcome I'm getting is giving me hope that i can exist as a real person rather than moving through life as a ghost...

 

i don't want to disparage Northern Ireland, but it is an odd case - it is 6 counties on the north of the island of Ireland, but is politically owned by the UK (i am NOT commenting on the rights & wrongs of this, just the current reality).  while Belfast is now as progressive as the majority of the UK & Ireland, and has been for quite a few years, unfortunately the rest of N.I still operates apx. 30  years in the past in all too many ways.   same most places i suppose, though it can be hard to overcome a lifetime of conditioning.

 

still, the reaction i have gotten so far has given me cause for hope - thanks for your support...  (& please forgive my wordiness, i find i have a lot to get off my chest....    ironic i suppose, as my chest is where i could do with adding a bit of weight.....lol...)

 

Steff.

[Steff7]

8 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Steff.  I hope that you find the support here that you're looking for.  Please ask whatever questions come to mind.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

thank you...

Steff.

[Steff7]

7 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Hi Steff, pleased to meet you. It can take a while to answer the "who am I" question, let alone pluck up the courage to do something about it. I highly recommend blogging for catharsis, I have found blogging a great way to collect and collate my thoughts over the last couple of years.

You will definitely find a friendly welcome here  

As for advice and options, that is up to you.

The first conversation is usually with a therapist/counsellor of some sort, they can help you get your ducks in order and as you are in N. Ireland they could probably put you in touch with the right people. 

At some point you would need to make the decision between private or NHS  effectively money or time: https://transgenderni.org.uk/healthcare/ may help you with some information.

As far as makeup goes, honestly it's just watching a lot of youtube videos and then practice - every girl has looked like a pantomime dame at some point in their lives! There are some good threads to read through on here, unless you are aiming for a goth aesthetic Pennywise is probably not a good look. ?

hi DeeDee,

at my age waiting years on the NHS isn't really an option, so due to cost my aim is to at best be able to pass socially at least, that would be a win in itself even if i couldn't make the full transition.

 

on makeup, your last 3 lines are still making me giggle so thanks for that...

regards,

Steff.

[Steff7]

8 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Steff.  I hope that you find the support here that you're looking for.  Please ask whatever questions come to mind.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

thank you,

Steff.

[Steff7]

9 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Greetings @Steff7, welcome to TransPulseForums

 

You are among like minded people here. I'm a late in life transition MtF person as well. As for you not knowing what your career life should be, I was 42 when I started my on business. The early years are a true struggle, if you can be happy with what you do, and cover overhead for the business, the total money you make is not as important.

 

You will find good caring people here with helpful advice in response to your questions. Also the blog idea is cool too, and if you have a YouTube Channel Vlogs may be another outlet.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe.

 

Mindy???

thanks Mindy, will bear that in mind...

Steff.

[Steff7]

is this the right forum/section for a blog, or is there a specific area - i'm still learning to navigate the site... ( on 3 different types of device, which doesn't help as I'm not tech savvy...)

thanks,

Steff.

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, Steff7 said:

is this the right forum/section for a blog, or is there a specific area

 

The correct place for Blogs is here :https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/blogs/  It was up in the Browse menu bar.  Enjoy yourself.  A bunch of other good stuff is up on that menu as well.

[KayC]

Hi Steff!  nice to meet your and, Welcome.

You've experienced a tough journey, but you have landed in the "land of experience and compassion" here on the Forum.  Based on my experience is a short 6-months I think you will find it to be a great benefit in making progress in your Journey. 

 

12 hours ago, Steff7 said:

2 - advice/opinions on what my course of action should be (would love to fully transition)

Find a good gender therapist.  No one here can tell you what your course of action should be, because we are all different.  But, those answers are already inside your heart, and a good gender therapist will help you find them and put them into action.
 

 

12 hours ago, Steff7 said:

4 - make-up tips, as my efforts so far produce a result somewhere between Marilyn Manson, Widow Twanky, & Pennywise the Clown (tim burton/90's version)

YEP!  Me too!  You can add "next morning after a bar fight" to that description for me.

If your community is not supportive PLEASE be careful.  You've already gone through enough.  So, with that in mind ...

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

[Steff7]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Steff!  nice to meet your and, Welcome.

You've experienced a tough journey, but you have landed in the "land of experience and compassion" here on the Forum.  Based on my experience is a short 6-months I think you will find it to be a great benefit in making progress in your Journey. 

 

Find a good gender therapist.  No one here can tell you what your course of action should be, because we are all different.  But, those answers are already inside your heart, and a good gender therapist will help you find them and put them into action.
 

 

YEP!  Me too!  You can add "next morning after a bar fight" to that description for me.

If your community is not supportive PLEASE be careful.  You've already gone through enough.  So, with that in mind ...

Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️

hi KayC,

thank you for your welcome & kind words...

you are correct, the answer to what i want to do/be IS in my heart but at this point i'm not sure that the necessary courage is.

my cousin is openly gay, has been in a loving relationship with another man for 20+ years (now married), and i am struggling to decide if he is the right person to come out to in my family.  

 

its funny to think that with all the dangerous activities i have thrown myself into in my life, courage is what i am struggling most with now...

Steff.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Steff7 said:

its funny to think that with all the dangerous activities i have thrown myself into in my life, courage is what i am struggling most with now...

You and me both, Dear Steff.  But, it will arrive❣️

[Abi]

Hi Steff,

    I can relate to a few things you shared and I am sure you have some very interesting experiences that you may decide to share as time goes by. It is really easy to get impatient with ourselves. I think having found people to talk to about two years ago and being patient has really made my understanding of myself much easier. I thought I was crazy for all the confusing feelings about who I am at heart and who I see in the mirror. It is a different process for each of us. I wish we had some make-up classes on the forum. I am lucky to get Pennywise' Mom when I try to do mine. I guess what I am saying is we all have things to work on for ourselves to feel better. Everyone here tends to help each other with that as much as possible. 

[Steff7]

thanks Abi,

any support means a lot at this point.  i really mean that.

i think i'm lucky to have found this site now,  being trans/LGBT can be an intensely isolating experience - not so much now for younger people, but for those of my generation it can be lonely.

nearly every site i can find in the UK/Ireland is focused on dating, which is not what i want at this point.  merely to be understood, without judgment or prejudice, is priceless...

 

Steff.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Steff.  Welcome!  You are among like-minded people here.  So even if you have trouble finding community where you are in real life, you have it here.

 

I am another late bloomer: I came out at age 62, and am thoroughly enjoying my transition.  I was born not too far away from you, in Derry.  I don't remember much of it, though; I was only five when we moved.  I just recently received my Gender Recognition Certificate from the UK, and my application for a new Birth Certificate is in the mail.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Steff7 said:

…being trans/LGBT can be an intensely isolating experience - not so much now for younger people…

True.

I went to a group in a (kinda) nearby city.  They were friendly and all, but they were all high school - college age people.  I'm a lot older than that.  It was nice to know they were there, but not exactly what I needed.

[Abi]

1 hour ago, Steff7 said:

i think i'm lucky to have found this site now,  being trans/LGBT can be an intensely isolating experience - not so much now for younger people, but for those of my generation it can be lonely.

While I can agree on how isolating our generation has felt, I am sure each generation has suffered undue pressure and judgement. I know we are stronger together. It isn't easy to do anything for ourselves if we have few resources or friends to cherish. I have found both to be plentiful here. The younger people may find the road paved before them is far easier to travel. That is all due to the progress of changing an entire culture's perspective. Seems a shame to do that all alone when we don't have to.  

[Steff7]

3 hours ago, Jandi said:

True.

I went to a group in a (kinda) nearby city.  They were friendly and all, but they were all high school - college age people.  I'm a lot older than that.  It was nice to know they were there, but not exactly what I needed.

i've found a LGBT group in a nearby city that i'm going to drop in on hopefully soon - only problem is they are currently closed until the restrictions that are in place due to C-19 are lifted.   as usual, my sense of timing sucks - i wait 40-odd years to finally come out as to who i really am then pick the middle of a global pandemic to do it...