Need Some Advice For Coming Out

[Christine.Alaina]

Hi! I'm new, you can read a little about me in my post in the Introduction sub forum.

I've known a was a girl from my earliest memories.  I finally broke open and came out to my wife and the members of my family that live with us. I've always been very reserved, maybe to protect my secret, but now I'm ready to tell the world that I'm a trans woman and my name is Christine! I want to live 24/7 as a woman, start HRT and get SRS as soon as they will let me.

The problem is my wife doesn't want me to come out. She wants to keep Christine inside the house like a dirty secret. I want to be free! She is my best friend and I love her dearly, I want her to come with me on this journey and support me as I come out. We have been married for 24 years. 

What should I do? Should I wait until she is ready not matter how long it takes? How long g should I wait for her and just come out and hope she doesn't leave me? Please help.

Thank you,

Christine

 

[VickySGV]

The first step to take is for BOTH of you to see a Gender Therapist, since almost all of them started our as Marriage And Family Therapists, so they know the dynamics of a marriage in these circumstances.  Based on that counseling, the two of you can make plans and decisions for what to do.  Some expectations that went into your wife marrying you need to be revised, and for the marriage to survive she is going to have to take you as you really are, and learn it may not be fair for her to be the only one of you two living her oldest expectations of the marriage.  There is no time line on this and it could resolve itself quickly or maybe several years if it is both of you, but the progression of Gender Dysphoria is Persistent, Consistent, and over time very Insistent, and can lead to ideation of self harm in many ways.  It is that last stage where you will have to break the chain and move on.  A therapist can help both of you recognize that point or recognize its approach and thus hard and painful decisions to become your True Self.

[SL]

So I can't really speak to the "how long should I wait" question, but it sounds like she may have a little trouble fully accepting you coming out. Obviously I don't know why. Maybe she's worried about town gossip or dealing with hateful messages from strangers or maybe she doesn't want to think about what this means for her sexuality and you going public would put pressure on her to figure that out. Maybe it's none of the above, but you should probably try to get to the root of the issue and talk through that. Besides having that discussion, you may want to explain to her why it is so important for you to live as a woman full time. If she gets defensive in these types of conversations, you may want to consider adding a therapist to the discussion. I know my therapist offers educational sessions for family members so maybe look into something similar for her. 

 

Obviously she has some processing to do. Maybe check in with her about these things every few weeks. I personally would never agree to wait however long it takes for her to be okay with it because you deserve to be happy too. If you've been in the married for 24 years then you've definitely served your time in the closet (so to say). The only thing I can say is play it by ear. If you do decide to go out presenting female against her wishes, you may want to at least give her a head's up so that if someone says something to her she won't be blindsided.

 

Until you feel like you are at a stage where you feel comfortable enough with her in all this I recommend doing small things to make you feel more feminine like using women's deodorant, shaving body hair, wearing women's undergarments, wearing more feminine jewelry, whatever helps you. 

 

I really hope you two can work through this together! 

[Elizabeth Star]

I wish I could give you a useful answer.  Don't take any part of my stories as sound advice.

 

This this something you have to decide for yourself. It's hard to weigh the pros and cons of coming out. To who, when, where, what to wear.

 

I used the band-aid method and things exploded several times, yet were still together. My wife wanted me to keep Liz at home as well but there were a few occasions when Liz had to run to the store and didn't have time to change first. I was asked to wait until my wife was ready before I took another step. How long is that? It was over a year before she was adjusted to me having painted nails. At this rate I would be dust before she would go out in public with Liz. I had to show her how caring, open,  honest, talkative, and helpful Liz is. Just my opinion but I think Liz is a fantastic housewife. She works 50 hours a week, gets everything after work and doesn't complain.

But all this started with me telling her this is happening.

[Abi]

Christine, 

    The feelings we all have, when life seems to change, can be frightening at times. You need as much support as possible. That is a fact. I hope your wife can see your happiness when she sees the real you and decide she should not try to keep you away from that. If she does, then that will be unfortunate for both of you. Only you can decide what amount of time to give her but, it is important to try as long as you continue to feel loved. There isn't an absolute answer any of us can give you. We all live individual lives that are hard to predict. One thing you will get here for is support and time to share feelings with people that can relate to you. 

 

Abigail

[Christine.Alaina]

Y'all are all sooo sweet. Thank you so much for your kind responses. I can't get over the amount of support y'all have given me.

 

To address some of your comments, I haven't worn earrings since the 90's and after I came out to her we went and got some little (fake) diamond stud earrings. She gave me a thin wedding band to wear that looks more girly than the one I had. I painted my toenails, and I wear women's undergarments all the time now. That makes me feel a little better, really it's not enough for the long term. I'm sure y'all understand. I'm still hiding Christine. 

 

We live in a small rural town, and we are going to be the talk of the town when I come out. Honestly I don't care if people reject me, I'm not responsible for their reactions. I've lived far too long trying to live up to other people's expectations, and afraid of their rejection.  Anyway, she is very worried about other people's reactions.

 

I've been seeing a therapist since last year and my wife has an appointment with her Monday. She wanted to go alone at first. I'm hoping so much that talking to a third party will help her understand me.

 

Another problem is her identity.  She is straight as an arrow. She doesn't want me to have SRS. For me, I have dysphoria and I need it. She is concerned that me becoming a woman will make her a lesbian. That's a problem.

 

With love for all,

Christine 

[Jackie C.]

38 minutes ago, Christine.Alaina said:

Another problem is her identity.  She is straight as an arrow. She doesn't want me to have SRS. For me, I have dysphoria and I need it. She is concerned that me becoming a woman will make her a lesbian. That's a problem.

 

That's silly. At most it would make her bi (which according to research is about 40% of women anyway). My wife also considers herself straight. She just happens to like me too. I'm fine with "straight plus me." Hopefully your wife will be too.

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Christine.Alaina said:

We live in a small rural town, and we are going to be the talk of the town when I come out. Honestly I don't care if people reject me, I'm not responsible for their reactions. I've lived far too long trying to live up to other people's expectations, and afraid of their rejection.  Anyway, she is very worried about other people's reactions.

 

I've been seeing a therapist since last year and my wife has an appointment with her Monday. She wanted to go alone at first. I'm hoping so much that talking to a third party will help her understand me.

 

Another problem is her identity.  She is straight as an arrow. She doesn't want me to have SRS. For me, I have dysphoria and I need it. She is concerned that me becoming a woman will make her a lesbian. That's a problem.

 

My circumstances were very much like yours, a few years ago.  I, too, live in a small rural town.  (Actually, it's too small to be called a town, or even a village.  It's a hamlet.)  I knew I'd be the talk of the neighbourhood.  I think you have the right attitude: let 'em talk.  The outcome doesn't have to be bad.  I have been accepted by farmers, fishermen, rednecks, and hillbillies.  They probably still talk behind my back, but they are nice to my face, and that is enough for me.

 

That's great that you are both seeing a therapist. 

 

My wife, too, is straight.  But she is staying with me, and, I think, likes me better as Kathy than she did as that other guy.  She does not consider herself a lesbian.  She jokingly tells people that she is only a lesbian by marriage.  She figures that my transition is covered by "for better or for worse", so she did sign up for this.  And it is turning out for the better, for both of us.

 

I wish you the same luck that I have had!

[Christine.Alaina]

Jackie, "straight plus me" I love that! I'm going to steal it ? And you're exactly right, at most that would make her bi. So true. I'm bi and I haven't been with a man since before I met her.  My opinion and mine only is that the label put on me and her doesn't really matter, what matters is that we are in a committed monogamous relationship with each other.

 

Kathy, yep, for better or worse. We have made it through some terrible times, mostly my fault, but we remained committed to each other. Hopefully we will get past this too. She is my best friend, and, honestly, I need her support to get through this.

 

Love for all,

Christine

 

[AmberM]

@Christine.Alaina I haven't been in the relationship quite as long as you and your wife, but we have been together for a long time. It is going to be an adjustment period and starting with Therapy is a great starting place for her, and continuing therapy for yourself is also going to be important. There is an identity shift that is going to happen for her as well, considering everything that is going on. She may need some time, some therapy, and just good communication between the two of you.

 

I am out to my wife and a few close friends in a mental health support group we are in. Here soon I am going to start coming out, and that is when I am concerned what her reaction is going to be. I have come to the conclusion that I also want to head down the path of SRS.

 

This is a journey that you decide who you invite to come along. You may have to slow down for them at times to make sure they don't get lost in the jungle and are left to fend for themselves.

[Heather Shay]

@Christine.Alaina my approach to coming out was to tell  the 2 most trusted friends who didn't live in the area to help me grow in confidence - then I told my wife and we talked (she knew I've struggled for years and 5 years ago self HRT'ed and she caught me and had me seek therapy again) as it wasn't a real surprise when I told her. Then I started adding friends nearer and nearer. Most of my family are deceased so I have yet to tell the living ones because they are consecrative and we aren't close anyway. Just my godmother is my next on the list.

[Jani]

Christine remember that women are allowed to have deeper relationships than men do.  Its not uncommon for women to hug or hold hands in public.  It doesn't mean they aren't straight.  It means they are friends and they care for each other.  When my wife and I are out, no-one gives us a second thought.  My wife and I are much closer in many ways.   I also live in a small town and I've not experienced much rejection.  Personally I'm with you, It's their problem not mine.  Its alright to be who you are. 

[Christine.Alaina]

Thank you Amber, Shay, and Jani, y'all are so kind. It's really nice to be able to speak to a group of women in similar situations as mine. 

 

It's funny you mentioned being in a small town and holding hands with your wife, my wife said she wouldn't be able to hold my hand in public anymore because people would think we are lesbians.

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Christine.Alaina said:

It's funny you mentioned being in a small town and holding hands with your wife, my wife said she wouldn't be able to hold my hand in public anymore because people would think we are lesbians.

 

My wife likes to hold my hand.  Especially if she sees people who look like they might disapprove of LGBTQ+ people.  I have to agree, it's kind of fun messing with people's heads that way! ?  We'd only do that in places where we know a majority of people are okay.

[Christine.Alaina]

That's a good way of looking at it Kathy!  ?