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My husband wants to be a female.


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Hi everyone.

 

I found this forum yesterday and I would like to get some advice for my situation.

 

I've been married for 10 years and have two young children, living happily before my husband started taking counselling due to his growing up background. I haven't expected anything but one day he came to me and told me he found out he has some gender identity issue. He then referred to hormone specialist and having a couple of appointments so far.

 

One day, he came home with some tablets the doctor gave him which contain female hormone in them. The one is acne remedies and the other one is estrogen. I asked to him what he would like to be in the future, but he kept saying he is not sure, but as soon as I saw the tablet, I thought he wants to be a female. I was shocked.

 

He also found that he has Asperger syndrome around same time he found issue with gender identity, so after I was told by him I started depression and sleepless night. I had some phone counselling for myself because this is going to be a big challenge for both of us, and I needed to make sure about my children too.

 

My counselor told me I can't make any decision for him, so all I can do is relax and live a daily life for now which was make sense. I want to respect his decision but at the same time, I sometimes think wether I should leave him or not. The reason I think that way is this situation is definitely not I was expected and it's kind of sad that I will not have romantic relationship with loving husband anymore. It seems like it's all ended. (I'm mid thirty anyway.)

I find sometimes difficult to communicate with him but he is gentle and nice person. It looks like my daily life filled with happiness is collapsed and now I'm in the darkness ALONE with a big secret I have to keep inside of me.

 

These days, I noticed he started shaving his body and I found an epilator in his room. Yes, he is moving forward without letting me know. I have no courage to talk about this topic right now because I am afraid to find out more things which will make me a shock again. I don't want to tell this to my parents, friends or children just yet because I am not ready to talk.

 

Because of this COVID situation, my children are staying home everyday even when I feel like to be alone thinking about these things but they never allow me to do so. I want to be a good mother smiling in the house but these days, it's just hard and feeling down.

Anyways, I would like someone to connect in the same boat if it's possible.

 

Thank you in advance.

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Forums, it sounds like you do need counseling on your own, and the two of you need counseling as a couple as well.  Your spouse's Asperger's condition diagnosis along with the GD are going to make the challenge ahead of the two of you just a bit deeper than either one by itself.  The biggest issue is in sorting out the dreams and expectations you hold dear in your life which you may have to change, just as your spouse has had to change upon their discovery.  Your children need to be in this too, but this is something that they will probably have an easier time with than you will.  You do need time for yourself in this, and a counselor can help you establish and enforce boundaries.  You are lucky that Australia is doing a very good job on containing and dealing with the Pandemic which is affecting all of us very harshly and not helping this situation.  You sound like you want to keep your family together, and it is possible to do this with help.  We will do what we can which is listen to you and possibly help you understand what is going on with your spouse so that you can make better personal decisions for you.

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Hi Millie.  Welcome, and thank you for having the courage to join our Forum and tell us your story. 
For many of us, we are on the opposite end of the story, as we are the ones discovering ourselves, and often transitioning.  But there is a lot of experience here of what the obstacles are to continuing our relationships, but also many success stories.

I am going through similar issues with my wife, but I am hopeful we will make it through this together, because that is my desire (and hopefully hers). 
Open communication is really important, both so she (your spouse) doesn't keep any secrets from you, and also so she feels comfortable it speaking with you about everything she is going through.  The biggest fear for you, I assume, is the fear of the unknown .. and if she can't communicate that is not fair to you in this process.

 

You said she is in counseling, which is great, and hopefully this is a gender therapy/counseling specialist.  If not, she may want to seek one out.  Eventually this is something you might ask to join as a couple.

 

I can tell you that your spouse did not "choose" to be this way ... its just the way she is.  And, the eventual self-acceptance that she achieves will actually make her a happier person, and in that process, likely a better partner/parent.  This is not the end of the world (although it may seem that way now) and it does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

 

The most important question to ask each other now is .. Do you Love and Care about each other.  If the answer for both of you is Yes, then that's all the really matters.


I am sure you will receive great support from others here, so I will end with this ... Deep breaths ... one step at a time❣️
 

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Hi Vicky and Kay. Thank you so much for your comment.

 

One day I find myself okay but the next day, I feel low and down. My mood can changes in just hours in the same day. I am trying hard to cope and accept this whole news but it's not easy.

 

We talked a couple days ago. He said he wants to transition but not a surgery for now. He said he is going to change little by little with the tablets he is taking. I said I will support him as a family but he wasn't 100% clear what I offered. As he also suffers from his family background he had to go through when he was young, he seems like he lost confidence to be a good father. I had no idea about ASD or the gender identify issue with him before, so I was expecting too much from him.

 

This current COVID situation and his work stress all combined together, he has so much stress on him. He started crying when talking about our children who might go through tough times with us. Yes, it's all combined together. We also talked about getting divorce but we couldn't find the best solution.

 

The next day, I offered him "separation in the same block" plan. He can build a small studio in the backyard and he can spend weekday in there as he needs his own time more than other people. (I think it comes from ASD as well.) On weekends, we can have dinner together, spend some time together etc and it looked like he liked the idea. So, we are now looking at this option.

 

For the counselling, we just have general counselors for each of us at the moment. Is there specialized counselors for gender identity disorder? I will research about it soon.

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  • Admin
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Millie.  You've already received great advice from my friends so I won't repeat it.  It does sound like you both have a lot to work through, and your spouse's ASD will probably complicate things.  I think your solution about setting up living quarters in the backyard might be a good one.

 

There are gender therapists in Australia in Sydney and Melbourne for sure, and probably in most urban centers.  If you put "gender therapists in Australia" in your search engine you will find many links to resources.  How that works with your health system I'm not sure, but I know it can be very time consuming and frustrating in the U.K. and Canada.

 

I wish you both luck in your future together.  But please know that it can work out well for both of you if you communicate honestly and have patience.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Hi @Millie

 

The feelings and thoughts you have described here are completely normal and understandable. I am the Trans partner in my marriage, and I am guessing you would prefer to hear from the cis partner ... so i will try to keep this brief (though I am happy to chat if you would like to hear from the other side).

 

  • You have received a shock and are going through a form of grieving. You are grieving the person you feel you have lost as well as the life you thought you had. This is completely normal. I suggest you seek counselling as you need to deal with this grief. Again, this is normal and your thoughts don't make you a bad person.
  • The changes your partner had asked you to make are enormous. This situation affects you, as the partner, almost as much as it does her.
  • You can make it through this if that's what you decide to do. No one is saying that this will be right for you and any choice you make is the right choice for you. Many women elect to leave and, in my eyes, they can't be blamed. This is not something they signed up for.
  • My wife decided to stay with me and, almost 4 years since coming out, we are still together ... in fact our marriage is stronger than ever because I am not lying about things anymore. I wont try and justify my lies, because, ultimately, there is none. My wife has chosen to forgive me and that is something I am thankful of every single day.
  • There is a site you may like to visit https://ourtransitionallife.com/. This is about a couple who made it. The cis partner has posted a number of videos about her thoughts and feelings. Maybe they will be of use to you
  • There is a subreddit which is quite active. The Cis partners post here often https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/ I suggest you post this story there.
  • Gender Rebels is a podcast where the cis partner often speaks https://genderrebels.podbean.com/
  • Finally, I am so sorry this has happened to you. A transgender partner is, perhaps, the greatest challenge a marriage can meet. Good luck, take care, and please stay in touch.

Berni

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Hi Carolyn Marie and Berni.

Thank you so much for your comments. I read some other topics and realized all of you are so warm and welcoming. Every single advice helps me a lot.

 

I am from Japan and married in Australia, living here for 10 years. So, there is no family around me which makes this challenge more difficult. Also, English is my second language, so please excuse me for limited vocabularies and grammar mistakes.

This is one of the reason I was thinking to leave him and go back to my home country every now and then, but again I still love him, I respect him so I would like to support him as a partner. 

 

Thank you for the websites, Berni.

I will definitely have a look later today. I am surprised this is happening to many of the married couples and it's great to be shared with others. It was something I was looking for!

 

Thank you again and have a lovely day! 

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2 hours ago, Millie said:

I am from Japan and married in Australia, living here for 10 years

Hi Milli

I am going to send you a Private Message (PM) later tonight.  Its up to you if you would like to to have a conversation about this with me in PM, but I think I can give you some perspective in this regard.  Just let me know.
気を付けて

 

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  • Forum Moderator
On 9/6/2020 at 9:59 PM, Millie said:

This is one of the reason I was thinking to leave him and go back to my home country every now and then, but again I still love him, I respect him so I would like to support him as a partner. 

Hello Millie, I’m glad you reached out. Every day, there seems to be more and more significant others like yourself searching for answers and trying to understand what this all means for their lives. The advice here so far has been spot on.

 

I just want to say a few things—if you still love your spouse...if you can find it in your heart, please give them and yourself some time. It may seem overwhelming right now as your world has changed almost overnight but it doesn’t have to mean it has to end. Many of the couples here have adapted to the changes in their lives and have started new and even better lives after our spouses have received the same news you did. It can happen.

 

Your spouse did not wish this for themself. It may have been a part of their life and they weren’t aware or they tried to ignore or suppress it to fit into what society says is normal. This news should not make you doubt their love for you in any way. This is something they feel the need for themselves.

 

You have been very gracious by not giving up on your spouse. If you can continue with this attitude, have some deep meaningful communication with them and get professional help to gain perspective and understanding, your family can get through this and even thrive.

 

I wish your family all the best,

Susan R🌷

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Hi Millie,

My husband/wife came out to me about five weeks ago.  It was quite a shock and I have wondered what this is going to mean for our relationship. I'm happy to say that after some early turmoil, things have been going well.  She has been able to open up to me in a way that she has never done before.  As odd as it may feel sometimes to talk about women's cloths, or changes that will happen to her body, its wonderful to feel closer to her and see her so much more happy since she feels like she is herself for the first time in her whole life.  I hope that with some time you'll be able to see the positives in the transition as well.  When I'm feeling worried about how everything is going to work out I try to remember that I love the heart and soul of this person and in that way it's still the same person. 

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Hi Susan and Lisa.

 

Thank you for your comment, and sorry for the late reply. I haven't noticed that my comment didn't come through. 

 

After a long week, we have decided to separate for now. I haven't expected this outcome, but my partner needs time alone thinking through this changes. Everything comes so quick and in this lock down situation didn't help also.

 

I disagree with this separation at first, but now I am working towards accepting it. I am scared that we end up divorcing after a while but on the other hand, this separation might work and change something in positive way.

 

Thank you again everyone!

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  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Millie said:

After a long week, we have decided to separate for now. I haven't expected this outcome, but my partner needs time alone thinking through this changes.

I wish you both the best with whatever you two decide. If you two still have love for one another and keep the lines of communication open and honest then there is always a chance the marriage can survive.

 

Take Good Care,

Susan R🌷

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