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The Letter that gets rewritten 20 times


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So I haven't come out to many people yet, but have a concrete plan to at the end of the month. I am finding it kind of funny in ways, I keep rewriting the coming out letter template every few weeks here lately, expanding on it, changing level of details, or just scrapping it and starting afresh with some new plan of delivery.


How many times have others rewritten the big coming out letter, post, or speech? Is it common to want to rewrite and edit it prior to coming out?

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I would suggest that it is common to write and rewrite.  You might adjust it so there are slightly different versions for (close) family and for friends, depending upon the need to know much about the change.

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each personnality is different and life story different. I've personnaly written a blog post that was my coming out letter. I posted it on facebook, a couple of days before posting it on facebook I came out at my work and a couple of days before that came out to my family and friends. I erased it since then (and it was in french :P) but that was pretty much it for me. I have to note here that I studied in litterature and have years of experience in slams, reading poetry and writing theatre for childrens. I'm used to sharing very very very personnal things in writting. But I can imagine that combining the fear of sharing something very very personnal for first few times and the coming out letter... must be nerve wracking for sure. I will send you positive energy to take the next step you want to take :) We are all behind you.


(the following is a phylosophical and litterature related mumbling you can skip)

It's very common to want to rewrite and edit something so personnal. We want it to be perfect and the exact reflexion of our feelings. In my opinion the most important thing is that this letter is you and you feel confortable with it (or as much as possible). It's hard to understand what something we write will trigger when someone else's reading it. Because we are writting a key, a key that open something in the mind of the person who read. The sad part is we have no control on what this key will open in their mind. We don't. It's true of every written things you could write. Once you put it out there, it's no longer yours, you no longer have the power to control what the key will open. Will it be compassion? empathy? fear? disdain? shame? All those things are not yours, not your fault. It was in the other person's mind all along. So, don't put too much anguish on it. Write it the best you can, explain things as clearly as you can. When others will read it, the emotion it will trigger will not be yours. If you are proud and confortable with this letter, it's all that matters. For me it went better then I thought. I don't know about you but sometimes I can create crazy scenarios :P

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I decided to approach it a little different - I didn't come out all at once. I came out to 2 dear friends I trust the most and hoped they'd accept me. I wrote them each a personal email. Both accepted me wholeheartedly. I next came out to my wife and that was face to face. That went well. I then added a few more important friends and wrote individual emails. That went well. My parents have passed and neither brother would be good to come out to (1 has detentia and the other is very very conservative and we never saw eye to eye). So I called my godmother who is my Aunt so I'd have some blood relative to discuss it with and that went well. NOW I feel more confident and it is easier to include those I think need to know.


In your case I don't know if you are coming out at work (I didn't have to do that) or everyone in general. I believe there are posts here that show it done various ways. I understand as you get more confidence with your therapist and such that the editing changes and that is alright. There is no right or wrong way - you just need to feel good about your way and I am very proud of you no matter what way you do - it is amazingly HARD to do and for me the weight of the world seems to fall off me shoulders.


Best of luck and hugs,


Heather Shay

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I write a few thousand words every week and learned fairly quickly that once it is witten to put it down and go away and come back to read through it. Especially if it is something dealing with an emotional issue or if I was emotional while writing. 

Mary is right in that every time you read through it you will find something different to change. No matter what you write each person will read something different based on their own world views and experiences.

I have told my sisters and two close friend couples face to face (although I did let 2 of my sisters read my first blog post when I told them) once I have plucked up the courage to tell my mum, I will need to tell my wider friend group (group of people I like and socialise with) and my work - timescales are hazy in those two as I picture moving into permanently living as Dee at roughly the same stage, but once those are done my FB may get something similar as it is the largest group, but honestly the others will just get a profile pic and name change lol.

As long as you know what you want to say you will crush it. x

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Thanks for all the feedback I don’t feel as overly critical as it does sound normal to want to revise and review my letter. I think my plan is at the end of the month start with my parents. I am going to start them with an email based on a letter I have drafted. After that I was going to do my brother and aunts. During this there are a couple of friends from High School that I am still close to. I am not planning on doing anything more public like work until the new year. I guess I am going to have to deal with revising it until I actually hit send.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So things have become much more complicated and I haven't come out yet. So I have a grandmother who is fairly far along in Alzheimer's disease. We are wrapping up our week long trip at the beach trip and she even had to leave early because she got confused on where she is at.


So I am torn do I take the time and come out now, and possibly cause more drama in a strenuous time, or do I instead wait to come out. There seems to be a sense of family duty that has been drilled in to me. The other part of me says I should be true to myself and come out like I planned after the trip and before I plan on starting HRT. This will help with emotional stability I am sure in the event something bad does happen.


Honestly I kind of feel like I am stuck between a rock and hard place right now.

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Perhaps both. Maybe come out to the most trusted family and build support. Talk or sent letter specific to them. That will also help gain confidence. I came out to 2 trusted friends who lived a distance from me instead of close by. That went well. Then I came out to wife the 2 closer friends then the only family member I thought would take it well enough. As I progress I will?come out on need to know basis. The 1st 2 and wife were pre-HRT and others since then. But you should listen to your heart and follow your conscience. There is no right or wrong way. 

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@Shay Thanks for your vote of confidence in knowing what is right. I think in some ways it would be nice to have that crystal ball to know what the reactions are going to be. I think part of my fear is telling the two, my parents first, and hope they don't go blab about the news to anybody else too. Whether they are supportive or not.


This is just a really terrible predicament to balance out family and their feelings, and my need to be authentically who I am.

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@QuestioningAmber do you think talking with your parents privately and request that they not tell maybe someone other than your parents who you are very close to you and a special friend or relation. You don't know how people will react. One of the 2 I started with contacted my wife ( who thankfully knew but didn't know I had told _ make sure you let others know who knows) saying she really was having a real hard time dealing with my news. 

But you have to trust yourself and take the plunge no matter how you feel is right for you. If you think telling your parents first and asking them not to tell others and you don't think you can trust that they will honor your wishes then a?baby step might be something to consider. When I told my first 2 people I can't tell you how much weight lifted from my shoulders. It gave me confidence to tell others as I felt would be good to build my support system. All in all it worked for me and I told each one on one most by email but face to face with my wife and on the phone with my aunt (my parents are deceased and 1 brother has Alzheimer's so that isn't worth it and my other brother and I have never been close). My aunt is my godmother and it was important to me to have some blood relation aware of my true self. She shared memories of my early life that showed signs that she and my mother talked about and worried about. So it was important to me.

Whatever you do, if you feel now is the time to tell someone don't procrastinate it will only wear you down.

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5 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

This is just a really terrible predicament to balance out family and their feelings, and my need to be authentically who I am.

This can be a really hard thing.


5 hours ago, Shay said:

When I told my first 2 people I can't tell you how much weight lifted from my shoulders.

Yeah.  Just saying it breaks some kind of barrier or something.  I don't know.  I don't pretend to understand all these things.  I just know how it was for me.

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So in talking with my therapist, I think I am going to start with my parents this weekend. My dad is going to be a physical letter since I am going to see him anyways about something else already. Then my mom is going to be an email that I can't decide whether to send it tomorrow night or Saturday morning. Regardless, I think it is time to stop living only for other people, because I don't really have a relationship if I am not being who I truly am.

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@QuestioningAmber I am extremely proud of you and I think it is wise to start slow and it sounds like you worked this out with a lot of thought and patience. Glad you?discussed with your therapist to resolve to best approach to you mom and dad .

I know how hard it is to finally express your real self to the most important people but I do know an amazing amount a weight and fear lifted when I finally did come out slowly.

Super hugs

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It's great that you have a plan. After you disclose your true gender, there will be a lot of questions. Try to have some information resources online or in books you can share with them. That was a big help to me, because there was no way I could explain everything in a letter. I disclosed individually, then posted an open letter to social media. Just write it from the heart and don't feel like you have to be apologetic. Being authentic takes courage, and you are to be admired for that. Best wishes!

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So the first to letters have been delivered and so now it is a wait and see. Kind of nerve wracking waiting, but I know I can’t speed up a response nor should I. They also may need some time to process it also.

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I guess what you have to look out for when you're waiting for "The Perfect Time" is that there is no perfect time. You don't want to wake up one morning, realize that you're, oh, almost 50 and haven't made any progress towards your goal.


I think you've got this under control though.



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So both letters went out today. I have already heard back from my mom and she says she loves me unconditionally and that she is going to look over the resource that I gave her on some basic questions and what not. I still haven’t heard from my dad yet. That may just be where he hasn’t had a chance to read the letter yet. I am trying to remain optimistic.

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On 9/24/2020 at 4:32 PM, QuestioningAmber said:

I think it is time to stop living only for other people, because I don't really have a relationship if I am not being who I truly am.

@QuestioningAmberThis is the life changing statement that changed it all for me too. Those are such empowering words and so true.


3 hours ago, QuestioningAmber said:

So both letters went out today.

Congratulations on this huge step! You are on a new journey now and I hope your Dad gets the news soon. I can imagine the waiting for his first response is the hardest part.


Wishing you a good outcome,

Susan R🌷

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Well I finally got both responses in.


I feel like my mom gave her usual unconditional love statement, however, she is really nervous I can tell about the idea of me transitioning and what it means for me. I know it comes from a place of love, it just a thing where I am not worried about it because if I am not me, how can I be happy. So I think there is some work there that is going to have to take place.


My dad says he understands how this has probably tormented me for so long. He sounds very supportive and is being kind of inquisitive with me. He has kind of stepped on a few land mines (some questions that I right now just gloss over). I think he will be supportive of the transition.


Now that the first round is done, I think it is time to reflect and decide on when to execute the next round. I feel like it may be difficult to talk to my brothers about it, though one is estranged on his accord.

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❤️🧡❤️ Amazing,now you know that both parents are supportive Amber, deep breaths!

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