Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

I thought I was past this!


Berni

Recommended Posts

2 hours ago, Jacqui said:

Did you try telling her this?  I'm not sure it would help, but it might.  It's rather eloquent.

Yeah. I've told her this in words, face to face with tears in my eyes. I written it in letters and on cards. I lived these words in actions and gestures of love.

 

And still I can't save this ... 

Link to comment
  • Replies 54
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Berni

    19

  • Heather Shay

    12

  • KayC

    3

  • Jacqui

    3

2 hours ago, Shay said:

Don't give up.

Thanks @Shay.

 

I absolutely refuse to give in. 

 

And ...

 

I hope thinks work out for you and yours. All these years count.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Berni said:

Thanks @Shay.

 

I absolutely refuse to give in. 

 

And ...

 

I hope thinks work out for you and yours. All these years count.

@Berni you cannot only control you and hope that ALL the positive memories will be enough to help her see the importance of your relationship. Has she had any counselling? Have both of you been to counselling? Hopefully the answer is yes. 

Link to comment

@Shay Yeah, she has an appointment to begin counseling next month. I take this as a really positive step forward and I'm super happy about it. Thanks for asking. Up until now, I think she was just trying to tough it out. Kind of why our long talk on Saturday was so upsetting for me ...a whole pile of bottled up stuff spilled out.

 

 

 

Link to comment

Being clocked only bothers you if you let it. I'm sure I get clocked a lot and I couldnt care less. I'm transitioning for me, not for anyone else, so why should I let their opinions of me live in my head. Like I told my mom when I first told her I was trans and she said I would make an ugly woman. I told her that I May not make a beauty queen but I would make a confident woman. Don't let other people make you feel bad just because they have issues, you never asked them for their opinions and you shouldn't care what they happen to think. Just ignore the haters and live your life.

Link to comment
11 hours ago, Berni said:

She was silent about things for so long, out of respect for me, that I assumed tacit approval. The depth of her unhappiness really shook me.

I fear this is happening to me too. I realized that my wife has been mis-gendering me when we're out in public. She used to not bring up my gender at all before, but now it seem at every opportunity she has to make a "where's my man?", "I'll let you guys talk", "boys will be boys", ect. comments to completely random people. I guess it's time for another talk.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

It is an ever communicating process. I tend not to be very communicative and it is hard for me but I hope you will follow the most important things to remember are the 3 C's.... Communicate communicate communicate.

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Berni said:

its breaking my heart because i feel that, as I get to know myself better because of the changes, the greater my feelings of love for her (and our children) become.

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I went through a divorce 40 years ago and I'm still not over it - and I didn't have to deal with transition then ALTHOUGH I should have - but my current wife of nearly 28  years is so important to me and I fear ever having to go through it again. You are so much more beautiful than I will ever achieve and I know the pain and I know she is also going through stages of grief herself - she might be still in the denial or angry stage - so as @KayC says 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

 

Link to comment
16 hours ago, Berni said:

hard for me to see things from her perspective.

It seems to me that letting her know that you want to see things from her perspective, that you are doing your best to do so, and that you would like her to share that perspective with you, might help?

 

I suppose she might want you to stop, go back. You couldn't be your authentic self if you were to do so, however. She would be married to someone whose life journey she blocked because of her own preferences, and you both would know it. It would become a different elephant in the room, always a huge problem, spoken or unspoken. But it's not as if you are saying you don't love her any more or that you don't want to be with her. You are saying just the opposite. You are changing genders, not your entire being. The essence of Berni will not disappear, including your love for her?

 

So assuming she just doesn't want to jump ship entirely, maybe if you are able to see things from her perspective, she could identify discreet issues, concerns, fears, and the two of you could figure out ways to work on them together?

 

I wish you the very best, Berni. I hope you can work things out -- I'm alone, and it sucks. It is worth a lot of effort.

 

~~Big hug, Lee~~

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Berni I suspect you've done this all aloong but when I told my wife about being trans and wanting HRT - I used an example. Her son has Asperger Symdrone and I have been ultra supportive of him. I told her that he never asked to have Asperger's. I never asked to be trans. Anyone who says they WANTED to be this way I think does have more issues than this. If I didn't have to do HRT I wouldn't but she knows I've been through therapy multiple times since we've been married and I told her it always keeps ROARING back and I have to find out if HRT and transition resolves my dysphoria. So far the results have been amazing in me and I have tried subtly to let her know in so many ways and with true sincerity because I know people can sense insincerity a mile away. On my side I know the path is full of pot holes and I know we will have issues and I am taking it slow - sort of the turning up the heat of a frog in water and hoping for the best. Will it work - only God knows but like you I will try my best until we are happy with both of our transitions (she must transition as well in her own way) or if, like my first marriage, when I had tried my best I finally had to let go because 100% effort times zero still equalled zero.

Best Wishes, comforting arms and gentle hugs,

Shay

Link to comment

Thankyou @Shay for your ever so kind words. I, like you, have been trying to slowly change so as to not upset the boat. I thought it was working ... I guess I may have moved a little too quickly lately. Its so hard to hold this all  inside sometimes when your heart is singing with joy.

Link to comment
20 hours ago, Lee H said:

It seems to me that letting her know that you want to see things from her perspective, that you are doing your best to do so, and that you would like her to share that perspective with you, might help?

 

This is such a simple, but excellent idea. I know I have thought and felt this all along ... and have monitored many transpartners forums and read books written by the partner ... but maybe I haven't been as explicit with her.

 

Regarding holding me back, she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stop me ... however, she isn't sure she wants to come along with me on this journey. Which is hard because I'm not sure Id have the strength to walk this path alone.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are alone. You must be very strong to hold it all together alone.

Link to comment

 

22 hours ago, KayC said:

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

 My goodness, yes, it is so hard at times. I hope everything worked out with your wife. And, indeed, I try to show my love for her every day. Thankyou for the reply @KayC

Link to comment
On 9/21/2020 at 7:23 PM, ElizabethStar said:

I fear this is happening to me too. I realized that my wife has been mis-gendering me when we're out in public. She used to not bring up my gender at all before, but now it seem at every opportunity she has to make a "where's my man?", "I'll let you guys talk", "boys will be boys", ect. comments to completely random people. I guess it's time for another talk.

That must be hard for you being misgendered by someone you love. I haven't dared broach the subject of pronouns yet ,,, and I feel now it is further away than ever. 

Link to comment
On 9/21/2020 at 2:50 PM, HollyNoel said:

Being clocked only bothers you if you let it. I'm sure I get clocked a lot and I couldnt care less. I'm transitioning for me, not for anyone else, so why should I let their opinions of me live in my head. Like I told my mom when I first told her I was trans and she said I would make an ugly woman. I told her that I May not make a beauty queen but I would make a confident woman. Don't let other people make you feel bad just because they have issues, you never asked them for their opinions and you shouldn't care what they happen to think. Just ignore the haters and live your life.

Thankyou @HollyNoel for your reply. I too try very hard to ignore the haters ... which is why I was so surprised at my sudden reaction. It seems they seep in a little no matter how hard I try. Maybe some of your confidence will rub off onto me.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Berni said:

I, like you, have been trying to slowly change so as to not upset the boat. I thought it was working ... I guess I may have moved a little too quickly lately.

This is so...I don't know the word..subjective maybe? Some little changes can seem a whole lot bigger than they are. When I started growing my nails,she was OK. When I started painting them, it was OK, when I inevitably painted them pink...it was the end of the world.

 

1 hour ago, Berni said:

she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stop me ... however, she isn't sure she wants to come along with me on this journey. Which is hard because I'm not sure Id have the strength to walk this path alone.

You CAN make this journey. You've made it this far.

Link to comment

Bernie I can only imagine how hard it would be to hear those words that she may not be able to carry on in your transition. I hope that everything will work out you are a very strong woman.

 

My wife has told her sister about me yesterday afternoon. I guess she said my wife is a lesbian now. I don’t think it really hit her till just then. She made a comment I guess I’m a lesbian now, and she didn’t seem very happy about that so that has me worried now. Up until then my wife has been very supportive.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This is so...I don't know the word..subjective maybe? Some little changes can seem a whole lot bigger than they are. When I started growing my nails,she was OK. When I started painting them, it was OK, when I inevitably painted them pink...it was the end of the world.

 

 

OMG! That is so spot on. I buy a bra. Nothing. I wear a bra. Nothing. I ask her how often she washes her bra and its suddenly NOT ok. I guess, it just wasn't a conversation she wanted to have with her husband. I so feel for her and I empathize so strongly ... but I don't know what to do. I cant put this genie back into the bottle and I'm never sure which small thing will be the tipping point.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Berni from the many many replies I hope you feel the love and know we are all rooting for you and your wife. You and I have a lot in common although you are much prettier inside and out.

 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

My wife has told her sister about me yesterday afternoon. I guess she said my wife is a lesbian now. I don’t think it really hit her till just then. She made a comment I guess I’m a lesbian now, and she didn’t seem very happy about that so that has me worried now. Up until then my wife has been very supportive.

I guess this could be part of it? It hits home that suddenly there is another woman in the home? My heart goes out to her.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I just read your latest. If you have therapist appointment soon talk about you concerns. If not suggest you reach out to your therapist. You need someone close to talk to. I hope this is a bump in her transition stage and she crosses into acceptance stage soon 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Shay said:

@Berni from the many many replies I hope you feel the love and know we are all rooting for you and your wife. You and I have a lot in common although you are much prettier inside and out.

 

Oh @Shay. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. During the time I have been on these forums you have shown nothing but kindness to everyone. You are truly a lovely person.

 

If only I could be as kind as you are.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 152 Guests (See full list)

    • Siobhan F
    • April Marie
    • Willow
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,014
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • MaeBe
      So…I didn’t know your Facebook avatar was public. So, on my birthday, a couple people used a group avatar message to wish me a happy birthday…and now my Facebook friends can see a short video of my female avatar dancing with an old friend’s and another with my uncle’s avatars. So am I “Facebook out” now? 😬
    • Davie
      No, they are not. Truth wins in the end and this report is full of lies that poison the whole thing: see this: "Dr. Cass Backpedals From Review: HRT, Blockers Should Be Made Available it's said. Dr. Cass's latest statements are likely to cast more doubt on the validity of the study, which has come under fire for disregarding substantial evidence on trans care." https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/dr-cass-backpedals-from-review-hrt?publication_id=994764&post_id=143743897&isFreemail=true&r=rebf4&triedRedirect=true I hope Dr. Cass wins The Mengele Award for it.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Boyfriend and I went to a support group for spouses dating or married to a transgender person on Tuesday night for the first time.It was amazing meeting other couples like us.One was a genetic woman whom has been dating a transgender male for the first time and she is supporting his transition.Us,they were amazed by us agreeing on something we said,love and acceptance have brought us together
    • Abigail Genevieve
      By which I mean there is a cultural stereotype of what a man is, and one of what a woman is.  Even worse, of what a transgender person is.   You be you.   I read of a boy who thought he was a girl because he did not adhere to some (rather toxic) conceptions of what it means to be a man, so he decided he was a girl.  He was told he didn't have to conform to stereotype and got happy. "You mean I don't have to transition?" He didn't want to, and was relieved.   Once upon a time if you were transgender they told you either you transition or die.   Incorporate the best of what it means to be a man and the best of what it means to be a woman as much as you possibly can, and let the rest go.  Be fully human. Be alive. Don't conform to some cultural crud.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      On the way back to her desk she was interrupted by six short, urgent conversations that had to be attended to. Then she slipped into the women's room and locked the stall door.  She took a deep breath, then another, and allowed herself to shake for five minutes,  Then deep breathing, ten in and ten out, stretch up, touch the floor, neck rolls and she was fine. She used the toilet and a woman knocked and said, "Taylor, are you okay?"   "Ready to conquer the world!"  on her way out she found her makeup was fine.  Three stalls, two sinks.  If she ever designed a women's room with three stalls, there would be four sinks, with plenty of space to plunk your stuff down between them.   She met a deferential Karen.  "Here is the branding I came up with," she said.  And she went back to working as hard as Brenda and Mary, who looked up worriedly and then went back to the proposal.   Shortly before 5:00 she received an email with the title Consolidation and Compensation.  In it she learned that the position of office manager was eliminated, and the current office manager was to become the chief executive officer. The former CEO, along with the CFO, the chief legal officer, and sundry staff, had been terminated, per the Board of Directors.  Effective immediately everyone would receive a base salary of $20,000 with a commission to be set by the individual's supervisor.  Each supervisor would be given a certain percentage to distribute.  Most functions they had been handled would be outsourced as needed.   "The question of what profit was made last year is frequent enough to be answered.  The company lost over 500,000 in fiscal 2023.  At this point further cuts are not anticipated.  We will be strategically adding positions that will enhance our profits. Hard work is expected of everyone."   Her two web guys had been complaining because their games had been remotely uninstalled.  After the memo came out they were absolutely silent.  That gave her an idea, and after an exchange of emails they were reassigned to maintenance out at the plant, effective tomorrow morning.  There were lots of weeds that needed pulling, if nothing else. That email went out after they left early, for the day.  The maintenance foreman was a no-nonsense type who did not tolerate slacking, and they would learn a thing or two.  This also freed up two spaces for her to put new people.
    • Davie
      Except for this thung thwister: Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if, Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve full of of unsifted thistles, thrust three-thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb, how many thistles can'st thou thrust through the thick of thy thumb . . . in sifting a sieve-full of unsifted thistles? Success to the successful thistle sifter!
    • VickySGV
      You have given you and us a big clue right there.  I hope you have shared this observation with your Endocrinologist and are willing to take their advice about changing that behavior.    Non prescribed herbal or animal supplements can have a negative effect on your body's use of your available hormones.  Also, your genetics are going to be controlling what your body is going to do with your hormones, and again, that is for you to consult with your Endocrinologists.  On this site none of us are licensed medical personnel and we cannot give you advice on your health more than what your doctor can.  We have rules that we enforce against our members advising about "Folk Remedies" because we have had members who have gone that route and badly damaged their health and quality of life.  Only thing I can go anywhere on, is that maybe if you change your expectations of what should happen, you will at least not be in danger of harming yourself from anxiety.
    • Timi
      Hi @violet r!    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad you found this place. I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.    -Timi    
    • marysssia
      Hi lovely people,   I'm a 25 yo MtF woman, and I've been suffering from low estrogen issues since October 2023. I completely lost my feminine libido, my breast completely stopped growing, my estrogen levels dropped by a lot (despite NOT decreasing my E dosage) and thus my dysphoria drastically increased. I think it is worth mentioning that, for my health issues, I had been taking ----- Lamotrigine for months & had been on ketogenic diet, and these things seem to be a culprit of my current issue. I weaned off Lamotrigine some time ago and gave up on keto diet, but it still doesn't seem to help. My estrogen is still low (44 ng/ml) and my libido hasn't come back yet. In general, I struggle with my dysphoria so much because of that and, to be honest, I don't know what to do. I've tried so many dietary supplements, yet I didn't get any effects from them. My endocrinologist didn't know how to help me. She only suggested to increase my daily estrogen dose (to 3x per day ------sublingual estrogen tablets and 3x per day ------ estrogen gel applied to armpits or thighs), which I did, without any effect.   Please, help me. Prior to keto diet & Lamotrigine treatment, I'd never had experience like that. I'm basically helpless and have no clue what to do. Having to deal with low estrogen is a horrible experience to me and it affects my life severely.   BTW, my T levels are always within female range.   Do you have any clue what exactly I should do?
    • April Marie
      I love wearing a jeans skirt!! That looks like airport carpet. Safe travels if you're flying!!
    • Maddee
      Flight faraway forthcoming Fabulous forum friends 😊😊🎸🦂
    • Maddee
    • KathyLauren
      One of our cats is polydactyl.  He has 7 toes on each front paw and 5 on each back paw, for 24 toes total.   Another one, an ex-feral who, at the time, was free to roam, climbed 50 feet up a tree without having any thought about how he was going to get down.  His pal climed down backwards, but he couldn't.  He ended up coming down by leaping from branch to branch.  Which nearly gave us heart attacks, because he only has one eye and therefore has no depth perception.   The other ex-feral (both are now indoor cats) obviously does not have those soft pads on his feet.  At night, when we are in bed, we can hear him stomping around the house.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...