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I thought I was past this!


Berni

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2 hours ago, Berni said:

. . . as I get to know myself better because of the changes, the greater my feelings of love for her (and our children) become. It feels, to me, like I'm falling in love with her all over again . . .

Did you try telling her this?  I'm not sure it would help, but it might.  It's rather eloquent.

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2 hours ago, Jacqui said:

Did you try telling her this?  I'm not sure it would help, but it might.  It's rather eloquent.

Yeah. I've told her this in words, face to face with tears in my eyes. I written it in letters and on cards. I lived these words in actions and gestures of love.

 

And still I can't save this ... 

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2 hours ago, Shay said:

Don't give up.

Thanks @Shay.

 

I absolutely refuse to give in. 

 

And ...

 

I hope thinks work out for you and yours. All these years count.

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1 hour ago, Berni said:

Thanks @Shay.

 

I absolutely refuse to give in. 

 

And ...

 

I hope thinks work out for you and yours. All these years count.

@Berni you cannot only control you and hope that ALL the positive memories will be enough to help her see the importance of your relationship. Has she had any counselling? Have both of you been to counselling? Hopefully the answer is yes. 

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@Shay Yeah, she has an appointment to begin counseling next month. I take this as a really positive step forward and I'm super happy about it. Thanks for asking. Up until now, I think she was just trying to tough it out. Kind of why our long talk on Saturday was so upsetting for me ...a whole pile of bottled up stuff spilled out.

 

 

 

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Being clocked only bothers you if you let it. I'm sure I get clocked a lot and I couldnt care less. I'm transitioning for me, not for anyone else, so why should I let their opinions of me live in my head. Like I told my mom when I first told her I was trans and she said I would make an ugly woman. I told her that I May not make a beauty queen but I would make a confident woman. Don't let other people make you feel bad just because they have issues, you never asked them for their opinions and you shouldn't care what they happen to think. Just ignore the haters and live your life.

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ElizabethStar
11 hours ago, Berni said:

She was silent about things for so long, out of respect for me, that I assumed tacit approval. The depth of her unhappiness really shook me.

I fear this is happening to me too. I realized that my wife has been mis-gendering me when we're out in public. She used to not bring up my gender at all before, but now it seem at every opportunity she has to make a "where's my man?", "I'll let you guys talk", "boys will be boys", ect. comments to completely random people. I guess it's time for another talk.

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It is an ever communicating process. I tend not to be very communicative and it is hard for me but I hope you will follow the most important things to remember are the 3 C's.... Communicate communicate communicate.

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15 hours ago, Berni said:

its breaking my heart because i feel that, as I get to know myself better because of the changes, the greater my feelings of love for her (and our children) become.

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

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I went through a divorce 40 years ago and I'm still not over it - and I didn't have to deal with transition then ALTHOUGH I should have - but my current wife of nearly 28  years is so important to me and I fear ever having to go through it again. You are so much more beautiful than I will ever achieve and I know the pain and I know she is also going through stages of grief herself - she might be still in the denial or angry stage - so as @KayC says 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

 

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16 hours ago, Berni said:

hard for me to see things from her perspective.

It seems to me that letting her know that you want to see things from her perspective, that you are doing your best to do so, and that you would like her to share that perspective with you, might help?

 

I suppose she might want you to stop, go back. You couldn't be your authentic self if you were to do so, however. She would be married to someone whose life journey she blocked because of her own preferences, and you both would know it. It would become a different elephant in the room, always a huge problem, spoken or unspoken. But it's not as if you are saying you don't love her any more or that you don't want to be with her. You are saying just the opposite. You are changing genders, not your entire being. The essence of Berni will not disappear, including your love for her?

 

So assuming she just doesn't want to jump ship entirely, maybe if you are able to see things from her perspective, she could identify discreet issues, concerns, fears, and the two of you could figure out ways to work on them together?

 

I wish you the very best, Berni. I hope you can work things out -- I'm alone, and it sucks. It is worth a lot of effort.

 

~~Big hug, Lee~~

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@Berni I suspect you've done this all aloong but when I told my wife about being trans and wanting HRT - I used an example. Her son has Asperger Symdrone and I have been ultra supportive of him. I told her that he never asked to have Asperger's. I never asked to be trans. Anyone who says they WANTED to be this way I think does have more issues than this. If I didn't have to do HRT I wouldn't but she knows I've been through therapy multiple times since we've been married and I told her it always keeps ROARING back and I have to find out if HRT and transition resolves my dysphoria. So far the results have been amazing in me and I have tried subtly to let her know in so many ways and with true sincerity because I know people can sense insincerity a mile away. On my side I know the path is full of pot holes and I know we will have issues and I am taking it slow - sort of the turning up the heat of a frog in water and hoping for the best. Will it work - only God knows but like you I will try my best until we are happy with both of our transitions (she must transition as well in her own way) or if, like my first marriage, when I had tried my best I finally had to let go because 100% effort times zero still equalled zero.

Best Wishes, comforting arms and gentle hugs,

Shay

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Hearing what you are going through with your wife sounds painful.  My heart goes out to you.❤❤❤

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15 hours ago, miichii said:

Hearing what you are going through with your wife sounds painful.  My heart goes out to you.❤❤❤

Thankyou for the support @miichii

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Thankyou @Shay for your ever so kind words. I, like you, have been trying to slowly change so as to not upset the boat. I thought it was working ... I guess I may have moved a little too quickly lately. Its so hard to hold this all  inside sometimes when your heart is singing with joy.

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20 hours ago, Lee H said:

It seems to me that letting her know that you want to see things from her perspective, that you are doing your best to do so, and that you would like her to share that perspective with you, might help?

 

This is such a simple, but excellent idea. I know I have thought and felt this all along ... and have monitored many transpartners forums and read books written by the partner ... but maybe I haven't been as explicit with her.

 

Regarding holding me back, she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stop me ... however, she isn't sure she wants to come along with me on this journey. Which is hard because I'm not sure Id have the strength to walk this path alone.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are alone. You must be very strong to hold it all together alone.

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22 hours ago, KayC said:

I've been through the same with my wife, and I know these feelings intimately, Berni. 

It can be crushing at times .. but stay positive.  Keep the lines of communication open.  And take those daily opportunities to show her how you feel. 

 

... and, Deep breaths /// Hugs ❤️

 My goodness, yes, it is so hard at times. I hope everything worked out with your wife. And, indeed, I try to show my love for her every day. Thankyou for the reply @KayC

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On 9/21/2020 at 7:23 PM, ElizabethStar said:

I fear this is happening to me too. I realized that my wife has been mis-gendering me when we're out in public. She used to not bring up my gender at all before, but now it seem at every opportunity she has to make a "where's my man?", "I'll let you guys talk", "boys will be boys", ect. comments to completely random people. I guess it's time for another talk.

That must be hard for you being misgendered by someone you love. I haven't dared broach the subject of pronouns yet ,,, and I feel now it is further away than ever. 

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On 9/21/2020 at 2:50 PM, HollyNoel said:

Being clocked only bothers you if you let it. I'm sure I get clocked a lot and I couldnt care less. I'm transitioning for me, not for anyone else, so why should I let their opinions of me live in my head. Like I told my mom when I first told her I was trans and she said I would make an ugly woman. I told her that I May not make a beauty queen but I would make a confident woman. Don't let other people make you feel bad just because they have issues, you never asked them for their opinions and you shouldn't care what they happen to think. Just ignore the haters and live your life.

Thankyou @HollyNoel for your reply. I too try very hard to ignore the haters ... which is why I was so surprised at my sudden reaction. It seems they seep in a little no matter how hard I try. Maybe some of your confidence will rub off onto me.

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ElizabethStar
1 hour ago, Berni said:

I, like you, have been trying to slowly change so as to not upset the boat. I thought it was working ... I guess I may have moved a little too quickly lately.

This is so...I don't know the word..subjective maybe? Some little changes can seem a whole lot bigger than they are. When I started growing my nails,she was OK. When I started painting them, it was OK, when I inevitably painted them pink...it was the end of the world.

 

1 hour ago, Berni said:

she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stop me ... however, she isn't sure she wants to come along with me on this journey. Which is hard because I'm not sure Id have the strength to walk this path alone.

You CAN make this journey. You've made it this far.

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Emily michelle

Bernie I can only imagine how hard it would be to hear those words that she may not be able to carry on in your transition. I hope that everything will work out you are a very strong woman.

 

My wife has told her sister about me yesterday afternoon. I guess she said my wife is a lesbian now. I don’t think it really hit her till just then. She made a comment I guess I’m a lesbian now, and she didn’t seem very happy about that so that has me worried now. Up until then my wife has been very supportive.

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2 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This is so...I don't know the word..subjective maybe? Some little changes can seem a whole lot bigger than they are. When I started growing my nails,she was OK. When I started painting them, it was OK, when I inevitably painted them pink...it was the end of the world.

 

 

OMG! That is so spot on. I buy a bra. Nothing. I wear a bra. Nothing. I ask her how often she washes her bra and its suddenly NOT ok. I guess, it just wasn't a conversation she wanted to have with her husband. I so feel for her and I empathize so strongly ... but I don't know what to do. I cant put this genie back into the bottle and I'm never sure which small thing will be the tipping point.

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@Berni from the many many replies I hope you feel the love and know we are all rooting for you and your wife. You and I have a lot in common although you are much prettier inside and out.

 

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2 hours ago, Emily michelle said:

My wife has told her sister about me yesterday afternoon. I guess she said my wife is a lesbian now. I don’t think it really hit her till just then. She made a comment I guess I’m a lesbian now, and she didn’t seem very happy about that so that has me worried now. Up until then my wife has been very supportive.

I guess this could be part of it? It hits home that suddenly there is another woman in the home? My heart goes out to her.

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I just read your latest. If you have therapist appointment soon talk about you concerns. If not suggest you reach out to your therapist. You need someone close to talk to. I hope this is a bump in her transition stage and she crosses into acceptance stage soon 

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