And I'm Kestrel!

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

Greetings! I'm endlessly relieved there still exists a forum like this online; forums have largely become a thing of the past, but I just understand these interfaces and they create communities of hundreds or thousands!

 

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

 

Kestrel is a light in my body that gets warmer and closer to the surface all the time. It contextualizes a lot of who I am. And when I think of myself as Kestrel, I'm more... luminous? I'm bigger, I'm happier, I engender energy and joy in other people. And in myself.

 

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society. Where gender is a standing propaganda campaign, where gender is a privatized volunteer police force who's pressganged almost the whole population, where gender is a lovely feeling inside you that's sometimes terrifying to show. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

My reluctance to come here was only because these huge questions I have to ask myself might trigger what hurts in some of you: I am processing a general dislike of what my body looks like right now, and yet there are lovely women who are in no way deflated in their femininity by hairy legs or flat chests.

 

But my excitement to come here is because I want to experiment with this lumonisty I feel. I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

 

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

 

Outside.

 

Hello!

[Ivy]

Welcome Kestrel 

3 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

Dang, this sounds like a killer outfit.   Hope to see it someday.

[HollyElizabeth]

Welcome Kestrel. I'm glad to have a new sister join this awesome family. ❤️

[Elizabeth Star]

Hi Kestrel. 

[Heather Shay]

@Kestrel McLoughlin I love your name. I want to welcome you and assure that you have found an incredible refuge to explore yourself safely and with others who can relate to you, answer questions, share experiences, comfort you when you are down, give advice based on their own journeys and most importantly are happy to hear from you unconditionally.

Shay

[Timber Wolf]

 

 

Hi Kestrel,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Mmindy]

14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

Hi Kestrel,

 

I'm instantly taken to my teenage years when I was into Falconry. The small Sparrow Hawk is beautifully colored and has a great hunting technique by hovering over open fields for it's pray. It can also fly precisely through the forest canopy.

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums we want you to fly safely and show off your plumage.?

 

Mindy?????

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

Hi Kestrel!  I think that was one of the most beautiful and eloquent Introductions I have read her on the Forum.

 

Nice to meet you, and Welcome!
 

14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling.

I have struggled with similar feelings.  I don't expect they will ever totally go away, but I do know that they can move farther and farther into the background noise.  Therapy and self-acceptance are the most important parts of this ... for me.

Happy you're here with us, Kestrel!  Its time for you to SHINE❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

(Oh what the heck, here's the outfit - though something is lost in translation, as I'm not twirling and I have terrible lighting)

 

Gosh, thanks you all! You all sound warm, loving, clever, and friendly. I'm going to like it here.

[Heather Shay]

Cool beans ?

[Ivy]

cool tights

[Jackie C.]

Ooh, I like the leggings. Very neat! Socks too. I need more fun socks that fit.

 

Hugs!

[HollyElizabeth]

Oh Kestrel, I love those socks!!!

[Emily michelle]

Welcome Kestrel! I absolutely love those tights.

[Elizabeth Star]

I love the colors of your outfit. I've been wearing black for so long I have no idea how to color coordinate.

[Emily michelle]

Color coordinating is hard for me too. I’m constantly sent back to go change by my wife because I can’t match lol.

[Heather Shay]

@Kestrel McLoughlin I forgot to mention I love your color coordinating. I got rid of my slutty attempts and am finally settling in with learning my style which is more '70's hippie and florals and I'm so glad the type of clothes I loved and wanted to wear in my youth are coming back and I am still in good enough shape and weight to wear them without looking like an old lady wanting to look young when she shouldn't.

 

I love your name and your style and your HAT!

 

You are beautiful.

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

I have socks like those in knee-highs too, but I didn't want to subsume the leggings, they had something to say too.

 

I am quite excited to get into skirts. I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

 

I also want to touch base with some feminine people in my life about feminine clothing I didn't quite understand: a lovely acquaintance of mine once wore what at first appeared to be a button-up dress shirt, but instead of buttoned up it was tucked criss-cross into itself like a kimono, and the skirt acted as a belt. I haven't the faintest idea whether that was a real button-up shirt (and if so whether it was oversized for the purpose), or a mock of a button-up meant for exactly that motif.

 

Both Google and Siri think I'm insane when I describe these things. Clearly I need community.

[Jackie C.]

I've got a peasant skirt that I love, but I don't think that's exactly the same thing. I completely agree though, there's just something about the way they flow when I swing my hips.

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

I love a skirt.   Can hardly get me into britches these days unless it's for something like using a chainsaw or something.  I use leggings with them in cold weather.  Maybe it's because I had to wear pants for most of my life.  Of course at my age I avoid the short ones.

[Confused1]

On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Welcome Kestrel,

 

On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society.. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

 

 

I have to agree with Kay. You gave a very eloquent Introduction. You will find others here who can relate and share some of what you describe. I also have a spouse that means the world to me and I have no desire to jeopardize my marriage. I did manage to stretch it a bit this year though.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Heather Shay]

I absolutely LOVE your avatar - you are gorgeous AND I love your fashion sense - it fits you SO well ?

[Elizabeth Star]

2 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

An asymmetrical tiered skirt maybe?

[SaraAW]

Welcome Kestral. Love the outfit. It is so freeing and wonderful to be able to dress how you want. Hope you have a wonderful day, stay safe! Hugs!

[Kestrel McLoughlin]

Thank you! 
 

Full disclosure: the narrative photograph has been enhanced by that ridiculous problematic gender app. It’s been criticized for espousing a stereotypical femininity, but luckily for me I’m really fem - not strawberry meringue fem, but swishy dresses fem. I don’t actually yet have that soft a face, but I hope one day I will. The hair is approaching that long, though longer on the left, and swisher in back and forth waves. The smile is real, and I couldn’t help noticing it became bigger when I saw myself in glimmering femininity.