Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

And I'm Kestrel!


Kestrel McLoughlin

Recommended Posts

Greetings! I'm endlessly relieved there still exists a forum like this online; forums have largely become a thing of the past, but I just understand these interfaces and they create communities of hundreds or thousands!

 

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

 

Kestrel is a light in my body that gets warmer and closer to the surface all the time. It contextualizes a lot of who I am. And when I think of myself as Kestrel, I'm more... luminous? I'm bigger, I'm happier, I engender energy and joy in other people. And in myself.

 

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society. Where gender is a standing propaganda campaign, where gender is a privatized volunteer police force who's pressganged almost the whole population, where gender is a lovely feeling inside you that's sometimes terrifying to show. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

My reluctance to come here was only because these huge questions I have to ask myself might trigger what hurts in some of you: I am processing a general dislike of what my body looks like right now, and yet there are lovely women who are in no way deflated in their femininity by hairy legs or flat chests.

 

But my excitement to come here is because I want to experiment with this lumonisty I feel. I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

 

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

 

Outside.

 

Hello!

Link to comment

Welcome Kestrel 

3 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

One day, I may put on that forest green dress in my dresser, with some purple leggings to contrast, and then I will twirl.

Dang, this sounds like a killer outfit.   Hope to see it someday.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Kestrel McLoughlin I love your name. I want to welcome you and assure that you have found an incredible refuge to explore yourself safely and with others who can relate to you, answer questions, share experiences, comfort you when you are down, give advice based on their own journeys and most importantly are happy to hear from you unconditionally.

Shay

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

 

 

Hi Kestrel,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'm off-topic already. Hello!

 

I'm Kestrel. I think.

Hi Kestrel,

 

I'm instantly taken to my teenage years when I was into Falconry. The small Sparrow Hawk is beautifully colored and has a great hunting technique by hovering over open fields for it's pray. It can also fly precisely through the forest canopy.

 

Welcome to TransPulseForums we want you to fly safely and show off your plumage.?

 

Mindy?????

Link to comment
14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

Hi Kestrel!  I think that was one of the most beautiful and eloquent Introductions I have read her on the Forum.

 

Nice to meet you, and Welcome!
 

14 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling.

I have struggled with similar feelings.  I don't expect they will ever totally go away, but I do know that they can move farther and farther into the background noise.  Therapy and self-acceptance are the most important parts of this ... for me.

Happy you're here with us, Kestrel!  Its time for you to SHINE❣️

 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Link to comment

(Oh what the heck, here's the outfit - though something is lost in translation, as I'm not twirling and I have terrible lighting)

 

Gosh, thanks you all! You all sound warm, loving, clever, and friendly. I'm going to like it here.

IMG_6579.jpg

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Ooh, I like the leggings. Very neat! Socks too. I need more fun socks that fit.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Color coordinating is hard for me too. I’m constantly sent back to go change by my wife because I can’t match lol.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Kestrel McLoughlin I forgot to mention I love your color coordinating. I got rid of my slutty attempts and am finally settling in with learning my style which is more '70's hippie and florals and I'm so glad the type of clothes I loved and wanted to wear in my youth are coming back and I am still in good enough shape and weight to wear them without looking like an old lady wanting to look young when she shouldn't.

 

I love your name and your style and your HAT!

 

You are beautiful.

Link to comment

I have socks like those in knee-highs too, but I didn't want to subsume the leggings, they had something to say too.

 

I am quite excited to get into skirts. I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

 

I also want to touch base with some feminine people in my life about feminine clothing I didn't quite understand: a lovely acquaintance of mine once wore what at first appeared to be a button-up dress shirt, but instead of buttoned up it was tucked criss-cross into itself like a kimono, and the skirt acted as a belt. I haven't the faintest idea whether that was a real button-up shirt (and if so whether it was oversized for the purpose), or a mock of a button-up meant for exactly that motif.

 

Both Google and Siri think I'm insane when I describe these things. Clearly I need community.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I've got a peasant skirt that I love, but I don't think that's exactly the same thing. I completely agree though, there's just something about the way they flow when I swing my hips.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

I love a skirt.   Can hardly get me into britches these days unless it's for something like using a chainsaw or something.  I use leggings with them in cold weather.  Maybe it's because I had to wear pants for most of my life.  Of course at my age I avoid the short ones.

Link to comment
On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Welcome Kestrel,

 

On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I'll admit, there are still doubts.

 

I once said I'd never know for sure whether I was a woman while living in this society.. Where telling even a bisexual spouse about what you're processing jeopardizes the specifics of your marriage...

 

I don't know what that will look like yet. I know that sometimes I feel like a woman and sometimes that feeling vanishes, and my need for my marriage is one thing that can disenchant that feeling. It doesn't mean she's done something wrong. It just means I don't know what's real anymore.

 

 

 

I have to agree with Kay. You gave a very eloquent Introduction. You will find others here who can relate and share some of what you describe. I also have a spouse that means the world to me and I have no desire to jeopardize my marriage. I did manage to stretch it a bit this year though.

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I absolutely LOVE your avatar - you are gorgeous AND I love your fashion sense - it fits you SO well ?

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

I love what's problematically referred to as "gypsy skirts". (There must be a better name.)

An asymmetrical tiered skirt maybe?

Link to comment

Welcome Kestral. Love the outfit. It is so freeing and wonderful to be able to dress how you want. Hope you have a wonderful day, stay safe! Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you! 
 

Full disclosure: the narrative photograph has been enhanced by that ridiculous problematic gender app. It’s been criticized for espousing a stereotypical femininity, but luckily for me I’m really fem - not strawberry meringue fem, but swishy dresses fem. I don’t actually yet have that soft a face, but I hope one day I will. The hair is approaching that long, though longer on the left, and swisher in back and forth waves. The smile is real, and I couldn’t help noticing it became bigger when I saw myself in glimmering femininity. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 178 Guests (See full list)

    • Birdie
    • April Marie
    • MaybeRob
    • Betty K
    • Mirrabooka
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      When do you know you've had enough surgery?
    • Heather Shay
      Another week completed with more inregration.
    • Heather Shay
      Relief (emotion) Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Relief_(emotion)         Relief is a positive emotion experienced when something unpleasant, painful or distressing has not happened or has come to an end.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...