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And I'm Kestrel!

Kestrel McLoughlin

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@Kestrel McLoughlin you are apparently at an age what the ravages of T have not done permanent damage and  you do have the ability to arrive at the gender app. approximation. Glad you can grow LONG HAIR and your smile is precious even if it wasn't enhanced. 

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Welcome Kestrel,

Love your name- I occasionally see kestrels here in my area and they are one of my favorite birds. Gorgeous, the act bigger than they are and are amazingly graceful.  Everyone's commented on your tights and sock but I have to say the celt in me loves the cables accents in the skirt.


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Heather Nicole

Hi, Kestrel!


I love your name and outfit!

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Wow, Heathick, who's your doc? She has the magic touch....


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Heather Nicole

My doc is FaceApp's gender filter ;) I wish I really looked like that!


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On 9/19/2020 at 5:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

My reluctance to come here was only because these huge questions I have to ask myself might trigger what hurts in some of you


Hi Kestrel,

    Your presence could equally be critical at some point when someone sees your perspective and finds comfort in that thought. No one wants to say the wrong thing but, if we all hold back because of that possibility then the community is lost. All any of us can do is try our best to add where we can and appreciate what has been offered. 

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... also ...


Incredibly cute hat and outfit in your profile pic.


I've kept most of my (nice) boy clothes in the hope to, one day, wear them ironically as if I'm wearing my boyfriend's stuff.


Kind of my end goal / quest ... to wear all my old stuff and still be gendered Female.


Offerings to the HRT faerie have been given.

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Heather Nicole
8 hours ago, Berni said:

Kind of my end goal / quest ... to wear all my old stuff and still be gendered Female.


I love that idea!!!

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Kestrel McLoughlin

Thank you Abi, you're right, of course. I'll keep talking about it, I'll just always be gentle with people.


Berni, yes! Even when even more thoroughly in the closet, I noticed that the more formally I dressed, the more femme I looked. A white shirt, bowtie, hair parted and tucked? FLAMING LESBIAN IN DISGUISE AS MAN LOOK EVERYONE  I kinda love that; and yes, I too will be keeping my spiffiest masculine clothing, because the aesthetic of a woman wearing that kind of attire can be killer. A little make-up, cascading hair, hopefully some perky little breasts, I can rock that look......


All my love, everyone. You're good people. And fun!

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Kestrel McLoughlin

Also this shirt has literally stopped traffic. Someone stopped in the middle of an intersection to declare its glory. To say nothing of the smoky woman who smouldered at me, “...And I’ll bet you’ve been to all those places, too...”


That would have been creepy, but she since vindicated herself as solid people: she squeezed my arm and whispered a thanks to me after I offered a disrupting comment at the workplace self-congratulatory pink shirt day. 

“Also, let’s remember that there are... invisible kinds of diversity, and not only must we speculate how to bring in further diversity, but also recognize the extent to which that diversity already exists among us; and a good omen of how healthy a workplace is is the extent to which your colleagues want to share that with you.”


That got them thinkin...


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3 hours ago, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

 because the aesthetic of a woman wearing that kind of attire can be killer. A little make-up, cascading hair, hopefully some perky little breasts, I can rock that look......


Oh my god yes! I have a beautiful collection of waist coats that I intend having tailored once my breasts finish growing in. I love a woman in tweed.

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  • Forum Moderator
On 9/19/2020 at 3:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

But my excitement to come here is because I want to experiment with this lumonisty I feel. I want to call myself Kestrel to people and be friends, be community.

Hello @Kestrel McLoughlin, I enjoyed reading your intro very much. I somehow missed it first time around. I’m glad you found us and decided to sign on. Thanks for sharing a little of yourself. I hope to read more about you and your journey thus far.


Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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Hi Kestrel, pleased to meet you. 🙂 I think your personality just bubbles through in your outfit (I love the green dress!) and your posts. I'm afraid if I tried to put together a boho look it would just look like I fell in a laundry basket. I seem to alternate between geek chic and smart casual depending on my mood, flared asymmetrical skirts are just gorgeous, but I don't really have a style yet. Who knows. Hope to hear more from you.

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On 9/19/2020 at 6:14 PM, Kestrel McLoughlin said:

Kestrel is a light in my body that gets warmer and closer to the surface all the time.


Hi Kestrel,


Exactly.  That statement resonates with me and is not something I expected to find on this journey, but I do find, more and more.




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    • JillPilled
      Hi there Susan! Thank you, it means quite a bit to hear that about your shared experienced and insight as well that is quite substantial. Also for the incredibly warm welcome as well, I very much appreciate that too!   I completely feel you on at some point, having to bar out the individuals in your life that are contributing to negative-reception of your transition--in many ways, I feel the extent in which you tolerate their conflict with you at your core--the harder it can be to feel happiest about yourself. Through still trying to suit their goals or views about you rather than your own that are best for your well-being. It can be really tiring and in many instances not a rewarding commitment yes!   I've encountered that potential with many family members, so it's very relatable and I'm sorry for that happening to you. The difficulty sometimes that's posed in those decisions from those we think care for us/vice-versa, and see a complete and utter change around in this dynamic following transitioning, is way too immense I feel. Many individuals, be they within family or other circles who reject someone based on them revealing they can't handle what falls outside their own narrow perception rather than recognition/empathy for another person's true-identity/brain chemistry which makes up our inner selves and we were meant to be truly content in (others should accept this if they claim to be empathetic/'empaths' in this sense).   Also, there's something really hopeful about being joyful/unaffected by the cases you mentioned with the negative elements part of your family brought--to seek those more positive outlooks or developments as your focus, with 'lessons' guiding you along the path. Certainly too, 18 months is a massive milestone as well! I don't necessarily present in public as I should yet just a year in, I mostly keep to my room but that is certainly where I see an inspiring goal. Really meaningful post, that made my morning thanks! 😄   Same to you as well! And have a great start to the morning! -Jill    
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      Thank you for the post, Carolyn--you happened to strike quite true honestly. On a personal note, I've found guilt is way too insidious a demotivator in my life in the past--and still some inklings in the present. I've experienced this in the effect of it cascading from my some ways my mother raised me where it was against decorum, or somehow sinful to present something like my inner-fem self which was basically caged up for quite sometime. There's a really ratcheting and hurtful way in which guilt resultant from abuse or being raised is amplified to a lot of aspects of our lives. This extended to a lot of things including romantic or simply feelings of attraction or wanting to explore aspects of myself and it was, really, a miserable and trying time which I felt like all I could do was being stuck isolated and that'd be my life. It took quite a lot to realize the fullest extent of guilt holding me down/back as of many here, alone, not even speaking to those outside this community which necessitates realized change for them too! Please know to any of you struggling with this very concept that it's not exclusive, but really sadly mutual to many of us within the LGBTQIA+ community--and there's always those of us who know to talk it through or share with one another, resources freely available in discussion of this, mental-health professionals/counselors who want nothing more than to help. I've been going through it, and trying to come out the other side too--least in the capacity of still suffering from feeling as if the previous self I presented to many people I care about, was a deception on my part. It's hard to escape that, but I'm trying to retain more happiness that I know that I'm presenting a valid sense of self now. : D
    • Susan R
      Hello @JillPilled and welcome to our forum. What a well written introduction. Thank you for taking the time tonight to share this with us.   As most of us here, I’ve had some negative experiences after sharing my true identity honestly and openly. To be perfectly honest, I am still feeling the repercussions of a few negative experiences...some directly and some indirectly and in very subtle ways. In a general sense, I try not to focus too much on the negative because in reality, it has been an overwhelming positive experience and I refuse to let a few individuals or experiences change my direction or affect my overall happiness.   Some of those involved in this negativity are unfortunately family members which makes it much harder to ignore. I have accepted their frame of mind about my transition and try to be the best person I can be. I also try to surround myself with those who do accept me as I am.  I don’t try to find ways to change their mind...that is fruitless. The experiences are a different matter and I chalk those up to a learned lesson and avoid those potholes whenever possible.   It’s been 18 months since I’ve been out full time to the world at large. I have seen some positive changes over the last year in the attitudes and acceptance levels of these particularly negative individuals. As for these . They have likely noticed how much happier my wife and I are together and individually. They also see that their opinion of me has had no effect in my transition or direction of my path. They realize that my new persona isn’t as bad as they once thought or believed it would be. I think the main key is to focus on what you can control and focus on what is positive. That will usually be enough to carry you through any isolated negative experience along the way. Luckily, in time they seem to be fewer negatives on the journey.   Good luck with your transition. Hope to see you around.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • JillPilled
      To be honest, there's some abstract-parts to attraction as many here have been saying--I totally agree--you can find someone certainly who you still hold near and dear or are very much attracted to that may not align with what your atypical qualities you see as resonating with you attraction wise--perhaps due to how they flirt with you, meld with your persona, are intimate or close to you contact-wise or emotionally (regardless if they're masc, fem, androgynous, bigender). For me, before starting HRT a year back, before I was incredibly attracted to the same gender and was very much (what I thought) a lesbian at the time as I had virtually no underlying feelings for men (so I thought)--though progressively, I started to learn about aspects of men I found really quite attractive slightly prior to HRT then ON it that built consequent to it (I was bisexual perhaps, is what HRT was helping to realize). Mainly though, it manifested and focused on one man prior to HRT, who I was getting to know better and better, and eventually established a love for personally knowing DUE to these dimensions and more that I still can't quite place (though, he has a deeper-voice and HRT did help me realize, wow, I'm actually quite attracted to deeper-voices speaking with me)! My boyfriend. Strangely, with most other men I don't always feel the attraction to same masculine qualities comparative to knowing aspects of him--though certainly, some things can in-fact change with HRT, yes! I wouldn't go as far as to say it's a guarantee to change your sexual-preferences or what you see in your partner completely in all cases--I'm of the (of course personal view) that HRT in many aspects can add to your sexual-preferences or attractions in some instances!      I really hope that you find a way to surmount this, I know the feeling of inter-conflict with attraction and it really can be difficult and you're valid for wanting to meet that task and maybe discuss this with your partner--it's good to have dialogues about this and think it through, regardless. Holding out hope that pre and if you decide post-HRT, you will find more a peace or contentedness with what qualities you find attractive--alongside with your partner, and however you both end up feeling about it! Know things can go well for y'all. Hope you take care 😆  
    • JillPilled
      How's it going y'all? Hope everyone is doing well. I'm Jillian, a transwoman, 26, and mainly looking to discuss experiences here, and find a better way to network and get a wider breadth to really hear and talk about experiences in all the dimensions socially you can think of to participate in a community--particularly amidst the pandemic! COVID-19 displaced me from my ability to attend my in-person counseling for mental-health associated with feminizing, before I transferred into a separate online tele-health component that's been working efficiently with me for Planned Parenthood-- so this forum complimentary to that really seems from what I've been browsing just very early on to be essential :D!   Just to preface, I've known my identity for about 10 years now, and only recently without the past year began actualizing my transition (besides coming out to my dad/step mom about being trans-fem) with HRT/frequent blood tests and visits/later tele-health visits to my doctor. I live with my dad, step-mom, at the moment, and my father and mother are separated--there's a long-history there that is quite depressing that is way too much for an introduction, but long and short is it was a really strained and short-term (6 year-marriage) relationship. Unfortunately, and nothing looking back that I feel hatred for now but then it was largely unknown to me--but my mom has some issues with bipolar-depressive disorder which have been left unmedicated/treated for some time--likely over 20 years, close to my age. Additionally she holds some sharp views about gender, sexual orientation, and unfortunately even relationships concerning interracial couples (she's... quite bigoted honestly, and not one I would pick to be a representative of an actual good-person to my mind/Christian which she reinforced but held these practices which seemed contradictory and harsh views). Though, I'm agnostic so I'm not the best judge on that matter. Anyhow, currently, it bears noting I am also very much estranged from my mom, for those reasons since December 2014--and hence why I had to repress so much regarding my transition and depression while with her and facing abuse for not being sufficiently in the gender-category she wanted me to be--and saw me as lacking or 'a failure' in that part.  It was enough emotional-trauma/stress to not want to speak or see her ever again--alongside of trying to place me in Catholic related schools, institutions which personally I never felt content/happy with that decision made for me.   I was stuck in isolation in the middle of nowhere in central-Virginia for some time--I want to say 4-5 years, without a high-school curriculum (I was not enrolled, nor attended high-school... or was enrolled in any accredited outside course that could be considered academic--virtually stuck within our home with the resources I could find off the internet via an ancient laptop my dad was kind enough to buy me), and did not actually thrive in any capacity until managing to leave. And I'll just say I haven't found a way to fill a lot of the vacant parts of my brain wanting for explanation of that time in all the spheres, or let go of those really lonely times/experiences--stuck with being the only one to know who I actually was identity wise. Mainly, along the lines of 'why do I perceive myself as not right or unnatural when presenting myself in public' or putting on a personality that I KNOW is drastically more feminine and lovely in my view than this forced and fake male one that makes me feel as if I'm lying to everyone and me too. I see no meaning in it. Every time with relatives it was absolute pain--as with people I didn't know, and after quite some time I gave up on all that just within this past year.   Takes you a while to realize sometimes there's not a greater meaning to abuse or trauma in some contexts, and that just constantly me dwelling on it was ratcheting it into something way deeper and worsening my mental-state as I couldn't leave those times (PTSD). It's slow but realized change to reject there being a meaning to some cases, and to try to overcome with new ones/forget as best you can. Actually, funny enough, when I escaped that situation for the past 6-ish years it's been a massive hurdle to even tell someone trusted such as my dad/stepmom, as well as my boyfriend (while we were still just bestfriends) and a couple other good friends of mine that I'm trans--and while I had the answer it was something I held back for so long because of these prior experiences, and I did not too much besides academically 'catch up' during these times until I came out fully. Sure this is far more common than, once, my perception held towards thinking how entrapped, lonely that feeling was--rather, a kinda selfish thought of that surely no one else could know but that was DEFINITELY a case of 16-year old to 18 year old me thinking in a much younger and isolated lens, haha.   Are there any experiences recently that you feel like, personally, you've done well in creating for yourself or were positive in outlook--in the same capacity, perhaps, good ways to seek to move on from those that were negative to you--because I feel as if that's equally of valid or concerning in transitioning? Sorry, if that's a bit personal for just an intro., but! I do love talking with others about mental-health as well as identity, it can be nice to vent some about it to somebody--I've done more than my share to my boyfriend when he visits out of Toronto over here in Virginia, and over Discord calls we have together as of COVID. Love to meet and talk with y'all about yours, it's good to share or listen really in equal measure--I enjoy it a lot with all sorts of matters! Thank you so much for reading, and have a good day (I drafted this quite late, so not sure I will be up for a little while--night owl that I am but hope to catch up on other forum posts soon as well :>)
    • Noah A
      Hi @DonkeySocks. Thank you so much for your welcome. You are so right. That's what I've done with one of my best friends. She has been supportive, if a bit skeptical. She leans towards believing that this probably has other explanations, or at least making totally sure that is not the case. Can't blame her, she has know me only in my overfeminine phase.     Thank you for that. It's interesting that, no matter how much I know that is the case, I still doubt them. So it is a huge support to hear those words.       Hi @DeeDee. You have no idea (except you probably do) how reasuring it is that you share this experience in this way (not always knowing) and yet it is totally real and you've come this far. And yes, being honest with myself and self-acceptance and self-love are the goals. Each question and each answer may scare me, but they also set me free, and when I allow myself to think "I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman" everything inside of me relaxes. It scares me, but I'm not letting go of that feeling!     Hi @Susan R. Yes! I have one. There was none in my area but I found them in Barcelona. I'm only two session into therapy but it has made a world of difference, in terms of being able to talk about this with an informed, neutral and non judgemental person. I actually am in this forum because I could put aside my previous "I am not trans enough" fear, and that's thanks to therapy. The awareness and ability to legitimize my feelings and reality has no price.   Thank you all for your welcome. It is felt and deeply appreciated. I'll do my best to be here for you as much as you are here for me.
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