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Realization of gender


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Hello everyone. I'm an inexperienced poster/forum member but am excited to engage. Please let me know if this is the wrong spot. I'm also new (as of early this year) to coming out of the closet to myself (psychological conditioning and high testosterone, (among other factors) made this unthinkable not long ago). As an AMAB coming to the acceptance of at least non binary gender in mid 40s, there are internal questions as to why now and if I'm just imagining this or kinking or something. Some people I interact with are of the belief that trans people know their true gender as toddlers, which would make me some kind of pretender or fake if this was always true. Then there are sociologist people I know that are of the belief that it's environmental and social conditioning that determines internal gender, which implies that I could unlearn this with the right conditioning or therapy. These two sides are opposite and willing to fight each other. I don't think it's as simple as that. Could a traumatic vasectomy I had a couple years back trigger this? (anesthesia failed, can't even describe such intense pain). Also testosterone does decline after 30 naturally (maybe a factor?) My male libido (which I view as more a burden than fun) had been on a steep downtrend for some time after vasectomy but was on a shallow downtrend already before that already. I started cross dressing/cross dreaming in my basement early in year which brings joy in levels I would have never guessed, but is not something I had not done before though. I know I need to discuss this with psych but figured I would put this out here first because I can't discuss this with wife, family, or friends without being a misunderstood disappointment. Dysphoria with genitals as well as the way that the male gender acts and thinks bother me more as time goes by. How could I have not known decades ago? That's the rhetorical question I contemplate. Recalling things that may be clues. I'm curious about non obvious clues others have found in thier reflection as well. Thank you for reading.🙂

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Hello @Msecret,

    Nice to meet you. I just want to tell you that the way you feel is ok. People of all ages come to these realizations and there is no real time that it should happen by. We all have different experiences that make us who we are. It's a great idea to get a guide, like a gender therapist, to help you sort out your feelings. They tend to have crucial insight and advice. They can help you gain the confidence to talk with family and help you achieve a safe place to do so. This isn't a race either.

    Now that you've started questioning these feelings, you may feel overwhelmed by all of it. I suggest writing down some of these thoughts, feelings and experiences. There is a lot of content here on different threads that may lead you to see similarities. There are thousands of hours of content about being a transgender person on youtube as well. Ted Talks are all very good ones. Topics may come up that you can relate to as well. The worst thing you can do is expect anything to go exactly as you think it should or would normally go. The main thing is taking it slow. Tiny steps to see how things make you feel. Find the ones that make you feel good and explore them. Happiness is very important.


 I hope the best for you as you seek your answers.



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Thank you 🙂 Abi. Very thoughtful reply and ideas and I'll incorporate these into my life. 

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Welcome.  We all come down this path differently so don't fret over being "late to the realization"  A gender therapist can help you sort things out.

In the meantime, here's your topic being discussed by Dr Z whom I love.


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On 9/24/2020 at 6:56 PM, Msecret said:

Some people I interact with are of the belief that trans people know their true gender as toddlers, which would make me some kind of pretender or fake if this was always true. Then there are sociologist people I know that are of the belief that it's environmental and social conditioning that determines internal gender, which implies that I could unlearn this with the right conditioning or therapy. These two sides are opposite and willing to fight each other. I don't think it's as simple as that.


Hi, Msecret.


You are right to question the popular mythologies.  It is quite untrue that "most" trans people know their identity as toddlers.  This myth is promoted by people whose agenda is to label us as fakes.  Some trans people do indeed know their identities as toddlers.  But most of us figure it out only later.  For trans-masculine folks, the most common age is at puberty.  For trans-feminine folks, it is more common to figure it out in middle age.  Or later.  None of that implies fakery.


As for the other myth, the best scientific data we have suggests that whatever makes us trans is present before birth.  There is no social or environmental reason that we are the gender we are.  The reasons (and there are likely several) are biological.  A person can't "become" trans, nor can they stop being trans.  If you are, you are.


I figured out that I was trans at age 61.  Suddenly, all the little clues over the years, stretching back to when I was 7, made sense.  That is how it typically works: we figure it out mostly in hindsight.


I would strongly recommend seeking out a gender therapist to help you work out who you are and what you want to do about it.  A general therapist might be able to help you get started, but you really want one with expertise in the field of gender issues.




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Thank you Kathy for a very thoughtful and informative response. I feel a little bit more at peace with myself. I will plan to seek professional beyond regular psych. 

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Thank you @Bri2020. I watched video and this doctor Z is informative and comforting and not like anything that came up on web for me when I was researching. What could potentially be the case feels less scary. I will also discuss this with professional. 

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Reading the comments on Dr.Z's videos is very informative. I find so many different points of view that we all have discussed on her videos. It is unfortunate that her practice is not in every state. She frequently posts and covers a lot of topics relating to transgender care. 

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  • Who's Online   11 Members, 0 Anonymous, 73 Guests (See full list)

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    • Shay
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    • Shay
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    • Jandi
      I was always so jealous of my ex when I watched her nursing. Welcome, Danusia
    • Heather Nicole
      I groggily misread "awkward" as "award".   "Awkward" makes a lot more sense!  
    • VickySGV
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    • MiloR
      Hi everyone ! Ok, so... I think I have a question, which might be quite simple, but the anwser to it may not be so. How to deal with feelings of shame regarding gender ? It's just something that I struggle with a lot, and even if I tell myself that I musn't be ashamed to think I'm probably a guy, knowing it and feeling it really are different stories. And I think my shame is blocking me from acknowledging what I feel most comfortable with in being and in the way I want to present. Because for example I feel sad when I dress as a woman, but so embarrassed when I dress as a man because some part of me tells me it's inappropriate or even dangerous... And so, experimenting and presenting myself as who I want to be gets cloaked by my fears and some kind of stupid conviction that it's somehow "bad" and that I'm not normal... So if you had any advice for me to feel a bit better about myself (also to have a clearer idea of who I am without constantly judging if what I do is good/bad), or tell me how you managed to let go of that specific fear of not being normal or anything, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm aware shame must be a common feeling, but you know, if you had any tricks... I think I could see better who I am rather than who I'm taught to be.
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      @Jackie C. Better awkward poking then finding problem.
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      Just kidding words of wisdom Cyndee
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