Stuck between sides

[Victoria94]

Hi

So I will try to tell my situation as well as possible. Rigth now I really struggle and want to transition because I am exhausted by living like I have for so long, but every time I start thinking closer on it I start to think of everyone else around me. I live in a small town with no support groups that I know of. And I have a big network of people I know because of my job. I have always been a people pleaser and always wanted everyone I know to like me. What scares me is that I am afraid to lose everyone around me the moment I start transition. What I have now is something I know and are familiar with. I have always been insecure and done my best to know the outcome of my actions before I acted.

 

So I really want to know how did you get over the scares to take the first leap out in the world?

[Jackie C.]

Well that sounds... really familiar actually. My town isn't that small, but the idea that people will reject you for being yourself is really intimidating.

 

So here's what I did. I hit a wall in February of 2018. I simply could not live the lie for so much as one more day. I bought some supplies and researched what I'd have to do to transition legally. The first, and easiest, thing on that list was to find myself a therapist. Now I had an ally.

I started small. I'd skitter out to the mailbox.

My next trip was the gas station. I just couldn't be bothered to change before I went to get gas.

After that was the grocery store (and I totally got clocked, my voice was not good enough for the outside world yet). It wasn't the end of the world though, I just went back and practiced my presentation until my voice was better.

 

A friend of mine compared us to vampires in the beginning. Lots of sneaking around, coming out at night and avoiding bright lights.

 

Hugs!

[Victoria94]

Haha. Vampires, not a bad comparison.

But I mean the struggle about living in a small town where everyone knows everyone and there is nothing that happens here so I am afraid that Just one person seeing me and then the next day everyone knows. People around here really like to gossip. And it does not make it better that my job consist of driving between towns and cities and are in touch with other drivers. I just feel it will all get out of control. I did see a therapist, but I never advenced much further. She had to send me to the only place in norway that treat transgender people and you have to convince them. Heard they are very stereotypical and wants you to go through a lot of questions and the real life experience for a year before they even start consideration.

I have pleaded my mom when I was younger that we moved to a bigger place but she did not want to because of family and friends. I just wanted to get to a bigger place to blend in a little better. I hate atention so.

[Jackie C.]

Wow. Just one place. We used to have that "living a year as" rule as well. Still, you don't want to go word of mouth on what people say they're like. They could be mistaken or things could have changed. The bottom line is that you need to decide when you just can't take it anymore and brave whatever might come. On the plus side, you're an adult (at least I presume that the age of majority in Norway is less than 26), so you can move if you like.

Discrimination against trans people is still legal where I live so I've gotten accustomed to telling doctors and such, "Hey, I happen to be a trans-woman. Is that going to be a problem?" Doctors because they can legally refuse medical service to me. It can also keep me from holding a job or renting a property.

 

Seriously though, the only way to get out there as yourself is to go out and do it. Maybe come out to a few friends first. Be yourself around them and see how it goes. My friend group basically said, "Well, duh!" and we got back to what we were doing. Your mileage may vary, but if they don't accept the real you, they're not really your friends.

 

Hugs!

[Victoria94]

Yes I know I can move and I have been thinking a lot of it recently. My contract ends after this coming week so I have beem wondering.

But I still feel I want to keep a low profile as far into it as possible. At least try to get to those who decide if you are transgender or not without raising much notice. Like having a safety net if they should reject me. You say if my friends leave when they find out are not really friends. But still, should the hospital reject me and my friends still have no clue of this I feel I wont loose both who I am and my friends.

 

It's a big mess and I am nearing a breaking point. I just don't want to do anything foolish. I have a habit of doing a lot of things and mess it up.

[Jackie C.]

Understandable, but look at it this way: You can either take the risk or you can keep feeling like this. Only you can know if it's really worth it. Sometimes coming out costs us dearly socially. Personally, I can count on one hand the number of people that have taken my transition poorly, but I'm one of the lucky ones. If you poke around here a little you'll find people who have lost their jobs, their families and their friends.

By all means make sure you have a support structure in place. You don't want to end up on the streets. That happens here, but I THINK Norway has an actual state-run support system. Honestly, all I really know about Norway is "North. Cold. Fjords. Tall, blonde people. Where Vikings came from." I mean I can find it on a map, but I'm pretty clueless. That's with a friend who's grandfather came from there. Maybe a vague notion that you run your country better than we run ours.

 

Personally, I jumped in with both feet but after the fact I stopped and said to myself, "Well, that was incredibly reckless." It worked out well, but we'd be having a very different chat if it didn't. I got very, very lucky and have a supportive spouse.

 

Hugs!

[Victoria94]

Thanks Jackie.

Yes I figured that norway have a somewhat better ways of doing certain things.

But yes. I guess I was hoping to get to look around here and maybe get to hear how other people managed to break through that fear.

Lately I have been just merely seconds away of telling my bi friend of me. Been thinking that could be the best start.

We tend to just talk alot about basicly anything during work hours when we are both stuck in trafic. It is kind of a relief to talk to him because I don't feel like I have to act as much as I do around everyone else.

[Jackie C.]

I started with my bi-gender friend. I figured they'd understand. It was nice. We hadn't seen each other for a while and it was great to catch up.

 

Hugs!

[Victoria94]

That was my thinking aswell that he would have more understanding. But still it gives me some fear. I still have it fresh that one person that was gay was siting there in the middle of the classroom and talked trash about transgendered people.

But yes, my friend feel a lot different, maybe I am just scared of the teasing he would do when I tell him. Like I said. His favorite thing to do is ligthen the mood by trying to make straigth people uncomfortable by asking just the type of questions he knows you don't want to hear. But he is a good friend and have come through on other smaller things that meant a lot for me. Just have to find a way to break it trough to him during one of our conversations.?

[Jackie C.]

Well that's easy.

 

Him: "*something to make straight people uncomfortable*"

 

You: *Lick him*

 

Him: "Dude! (Or Nordic equivalent.) What did you do that for?"

 

"You: "I'm trans."

 

Obviously, change the script to suit. You know your friend better than I do. ?

 

Seriously though, I reached out with, "I'm coming out as trans. Can we talk?" It turns out since the last time I'd seen them, they'd been working with the local trans community and had a lot to say. Some of it I agreed with, some I didn't, but at the end we'd had a great conversation and reconnected. I have great friends. I suspect you do too.

 

Hugs!

[Victoria94]

Well my bi gendered friend lives in another city about a days driving from me, so it would be impossible for me to lick him?

And I have tried to make him uncomfortable. Turns out when you like both male and female and as crazy as he is I doubt I can do it. But that is the only person I am even close to be able to talk to and I would have to do it over phone since I rarely go anywhere else but work now since the virus came.

The others are a way bit simpler minds. Don't get me wrong. I love my hometown, it's the perfect fit of country and city. But people here are not so open to changes?

 

But thanks for those akward sugestions tough. If I don't manage to talk to him over phone before the virus ends, I migth go to visit him for a weekend and try your tip?

[DeeDee]

Hi Victoria, I live in a village with less than 200 people, the closest small city to me is 3 hours away, and was where I grew up so I am still likely to be recognised, although that is also where the closest gender clinic is. 

My first time out of the house I did my makeup up dressed sensibly, then wore a massive hoody over the top before driving for a while and stopping at the side of the road to change shoes and jackets, I then went to a forest walk 30-45 minutes drive away from mine which I knew would be fairly quiet, I walked past one woman and we simply smiled at each other.  It was one of the best afternoon walks I have ever had. Though coming back home I had to stop until a road worker turned the sign for me at a temporary roadworks and that made me worry all over again, but I did not see any reaction and just assumed I was the same as every other driver he waved through that afternoon.

My firstweekend outing as Dee was with family and some close friends in a city 5 hours drive away. I had told them about my questioning and that was the first time they had seen me dressed as Dee, but it went well and no one batted an eyelid at me on the bus or walking down the street.

I have since gone out to a tourist spot over an hours drive, where people stop and take pictures and buy coffee - relying on the busyness and the fact that most locals don't visit tourist spots to blend in, and then when I was away at a works conference last year I took a case with me and went out to the cinema, which was terrifying but felt amazing.

Each time you do something it helps you to be a bit braver, I need to plan ahead in advance right now, but the plus side for me is that I am in a healthcare area with one of the shortest waiting lists to be seen, so it has really worked in my favour.

 

If you need to try being Virctoria out somewhere, you will find a way! Pick a time and a place that is safe, but not heaving with people. It helps to answer a lot of internal questions.  

[Jani]

7 hours ago, Victoria94 said:

Heard they are very stereotypical and wants you to go through a lot of questions and the real life experience for a year before they even start consideration.

The reason behind this is to ensure you understand fully what transition entails and that it is right for you.  Its not like changing from one pair of pants to another which would be superficial.  It is deep and affects all aspects of our lives.  I believe it is a good process, although some areas are a little strict.  

 

Is there a possibility you can connect with a therapist on line?  So you don't have to travel?  Given that much of the world has shut down due to the virus, many counselors are going to this method of meeting clients.  As Dee says, the job is to blend in and not stand out when you decide to go outside as your new self.  It is terribly nerve wracking at first but you will see that no one really seems to care.  Be safe!

[Victoria94]

Im trying to take one day at a time. But like I said, I have a lot of connections all around up here north because work takes me to other places and our law given breaks usally ends up on a truck stop along side of each others. So the big scare is changing the reality when so many have gotten in touch with who I am at this point. I try to tell myself that my personality and morale is still the same no mather how I look on the outside and that it these thing people like about me. Still uncertain roads to take are always scary.

 

Thanks everyone for such warm welcome Victoria❤

[Elizabeth Star]

I've always been into the darker things in life. The "goth" lifestyle if you will. Always wearing black, and mean everything: clothes, shoes, jewelry, nail polish, even my underclothes were black. I used it to my advantage; started mixing in an occasional piece of woman's clothing here and there. Honestly I don't think anyone noticed. All they saw was a solid black outfit. I mis-directed their attention.

 

I did try to always have an out if things were looking questionable.

When I first started buying clothes I tried to find things that were more androgynous. That way if something was said I cloud still say I bought it in the men's department. Although I did make an effort to find the most femme men's clothing I could.

 I grew my hair out and would have it in a high pony tail. When someone said something I would go into an explanation about how having a low ponytail was really uncomfortable when driving.

 

I played this game for about 2 years before I got tired of it and started living full time. I knew there would be comments and people would stare but I was starting to see the light. I was happy with myself and started to not care what others thought.

 

 

[Charlize]

For years i hid and could only be myself out of town.  I was driven by a fear and shame which i am sure many feel. Coming out to my family as well as a surprisingly rural town in NJ where i have lived much of my life seemed impossible.  I used the excuse that i would hurt others and lied instead.  After finding this site, going to a gender therapist and saying a lot of foxhole prayers i took the step.  Each day, seemingly forever, i saw another person whose mouth dropped but who amazingly accepted me.  With family there were tears but time has certainly healed any hurt they (and i) felt.  I no longer lie.  For the first time in my life i have nothing to hide.  That alone has made the effort worth doing but i have the added benefit of seeing myself in the mirror, loving that person and finally finding peace.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Victoria94]

4 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I grew my hair out and would have it in a high pony tail. When someone said something I would go into an explanation about how having a low ponytail was really uncomfortable when driving.

 

I did let my hair grow out, but suddenly when my mother made a comment about my hair length I instantly panicked and went and cut of my hair al the way down until there was nothing left.

I did this regulary before in the belief that if I looked more like what I was supposed to look like that I could eventually forget my feelings inside.

Im not saying all men are bald and have big beards.? But that was the look I went for to try and forget.

Now my hair is starting to grow ut again and I'm disguising it by letting the beard grow as well for the time being.

4 hours ago, Charlize said:

For years i hid and could only be myself out of town.  I was driven by a fear and shame which i am sure many feel. Coming out to my family as well as a surprisingly rural town in NJ where i have lived much of my life seemed impossible.  I used the excuse that i would hurt others and lied instead.

A have always been thinking of going out of town or out of country for that sake to have a little freedom. Sorry to say that I haven't had the oppertunity for that because of money and work. Last time I was away from my homeplace for something other than buisness was about when I was 15 years old.

 

When it comes to lying and hurting others. Thats where I am today. I always put others before myself. I keep thinking of my friends and coworkers who are dependant on the me they know. Even my younger sister drop into my head. She is saying how she look up to her brother who always been there. If it was a bad break up or a flat tire.

I keep getting back to that if I do this to feel better for myself, it's not just my life changing. Everyone I know gets their world turned around a little.

 

 

 

So as of now I have just begun letting the hair grow back. It's taking some time considering I shaved everything of the last time. Just wished it would go a little quicker.?

[Charlize]

If the time comes Victoria you can assure your sister that you can still change a tire and could perhaps be better after a bad break.  I know i still drive the tractor and just got in from splitting wood.  Girls do those things as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Victoria94]

Well Charlize. That I know. One thing I know I don't want to change for instance is me being a truck driver. I'm just scared when I don't know the outcome of the situation.?

I sat on the phone just now trying to figure out if I could manage to tell one of my closest friends who I suspect would be understanding.

[Sally Stone]

Victoria,

 

Sometimes, I think small towns get a bad rap.  The story of Stu Rasmussen comes to mind when I think of your situation.  The Oregon town she lived in when she transitioned was very small, and she grew up there.  Certainly, some of the residents didn't get her need to transition, but overall, there was a surprising amount of positive support.  So much so, she was actually elected mayor.  

 

Yes it's scary to be who you need to be sometimes, but most of the time we are the thing that keeps us from moving forward.  I wish you all the best and hope you find a way to share your inner soul with the rest of the world.

[Victoria94]

Yes sometimes small places can suprise. But I have so many bad memories from how things went bad for others on smaller things situations.

 

On the plus side I made a little move forward and started trusting people again today. I did not tell him about this part of the situation, but I have begun the road down to telling him and hope for understanding. Now I would probably just wait until I just break and it slips out of me.

[Sabine]

Your story made me sad because I see me in you. I spent a long long time living for everyone else. Every person, even

strangers. What would they think? I don't want to disturb anyone, I don't want to let anyone down. It took a year of therapy for me to suddenly get what my therapist said to me on my first day there: "you are talking about [some other person] again." It is very very hard after a lifetime of putting yourself second or third or worse, to put yourself somehow first. Seems selfish, where is the balance? Then my therapists words echoed back one day (just randomly), and I realized my whole dialog is thinking about anybody else but myself, like by doing that I can run away from who I am. But Like Jackie C said, you will eventually hit a wall, you can only run from yourself for so long. That is the good news actually. The bad news is that you have to get to the point where you are no longer ashamed and afraid to be you. You deserve better than you are giving yourself. But it will come.

Its not about place, I used the small town excuse for the first 28 years, then the big city (stranger danger) excuse for 12 more. Then I s l o w l y came out to myself, then hit that wall. Stared at it like a deer in headlights for oh... another ten years or so, then I came out to my kids, the most important people in my entire life, the ones I could not afford to lose. Maybe you could do that with your sister? My kids took it like it was me asking for a cookie. They just accept it. If you can get that from someone you love, all those others (meaning every person you ever met) will go down like dominoes.

Good Luck,

Sabine.

[Victoria94]

Thank you Sabine. It feels good to know others have been the same as me. It's not easy to change your entire habit of putting others before yourself and be selfish for a change. I have been thinking of my sister's reaction a lot. At the time she is studying away from home so won't se her until christmas.

But last nigth during my nigthshift, I called my friend that I talk to alot during work hours. And suddenly it just snapped for me and I was just thinking he is a good friend. But he lives so far away that if he rejects me it would be easy to cut him off and never see him ahain. So it just slipped out of me and whe ended up talking about it for the remaining 2 hour drive I had left. It felt weird at first, but he have a lot of friends in the community and told me to come over to his town. He knew a few people who could help in various ways.

So all I need to fix now is to fix a weekend of nigth shift and take a little drive down there. It still scares a little to put out there, but at least it's progress.

 

Victoria

[Sabine]

Well, that is wonderful news. Acceptance at any level is hugely empowering. BTW, the Swedish system is super slow, although it is pretty good once it gets moving, I am not sure how it is for you, but maybe if you have the option to sign up for that HRT doctor evaluation transition thing, you might want to do that, especially if it is backed up, I have now been nearly two years on the waiting list, but hopefully soon!

[Victoria94]

Yes I have been thinking alot of starting back with my therapist. After I told her I was gonna just try and live with myself the way I am. I even tougth about getting her help to try and tell my mother. But really just starting HRT would be a good start and I feel as long as I get started there it won't be so bad if there is waiting.

 

Victoria