Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

It’s More About Envy than Desire


Sally Stone

Recommended Posts

Sally Stone

There’s no denying I have always been attracted physically to women, but whenever I would look upon a woman, much of what I felt was envy more than desire.  It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, so, I always find myself wondering how much different my thoughts are from men that are not trans. 

 

I can’t imagine them wondering how they’d look in that dress, or how wonderful it would be to have those shoes.  Surely, they don’t find themselves envious of that hourglass figure, or those beautiful legs.  Do they acknowledge how expertly that woman’s makeup is applied; do they recognize how flattering the shade of lipstick she’s chosen is?  I wonder, because those are typical of my thoughts when I see a woman.  Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

So, when a woman catches me staring, she probably thinks of me the way she thinks of all men who stare at women.  I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.  If only she could know that the reason I stare is because of a collection of thoughts and feelings way more complicated.   It’s possible there is still some desire, but it is, and always has been, all about the envy.        

Link to post

I'm asexual so there's a lot I don't understand about desire in particular. One thing's for sure is that society don't recognize the worth of a lot of knowledge traditionnaly feminine. I know a girl at a past job that knew everything about cutting hair and makeup (on top of software engineering and QA). She was really good at both and many other things but I feel the guys at work were not giving her the proper credit she deserved. Since I was really young I have the habit of looking at other girls to understand how they do things and to learn what is the frontier of what I can do and cannot do. I always loved woman with deeper voices (Annie Lennox) or tastes that are aligned with mine and out of the ordinary. I love being friend with someone who likes formula 1 for example. I've been a formula 1 fan since I was a child and not many girls like that. At school I knew a girl who loved it as much as me (buying ferrari suits for her baby and everything) and I love love love that when this happen. I always feel like : "phew, I'm ok. I'm not doing something that conflict with my identity because other girls like the same thing"

 

That phenomena is many the main thing trans that's been there for me since childhood. I wouldn't define this as envy... more like "I'm I ok?" "I'm I valid?" kind of mindset.

Link to post
8 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

@Sally Stone, get out of my head. I've felt this very same way. I literally said these same words to my wife when I came out to her.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🌈🦋👩🏼

Link to post

 

9 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

 I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

Yeah, same.

Link to post
Heather Nicole
11 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

As much as that deeply resonates with me, I feel like it's more complicated in my case. I've always had very strong desires of "wanting 'her'", and I often still do, but over the last number of years, more and more I find my thoughts of "wanting 'her'" are competing more and more with "I want to BE her!!!", and lately, I feel like latter has the edge.

 

But its always jumbled up and mixed for me. I'll spend hours wondering "what in the world was I thinking? I'm totally fine being AMAB male! Just as I've always been!", and then BOOM!, I'm out at a store, and I see other women, with their feminine bodies, dressed in their feminine apparel, maybe with other feminine adornments or accessories and my envy just goes straight into overdrive and at this point any time I see a remotely pretty lady anywhere, I have weird conflicting feelings involving some seemingly random combination of desire and/or envy, or, very often, both.

Link to post
12 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.

In my experience, once in a great while, she does!  And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

I imagine the expression on my face may give things away -- instead of an appreciative grin, I probably have a furtive, conflicted, uneasy look.  After a second or two of assessing whether I'm some kind of misogynistic weirdo, she puts two and two together and thinks ". . . Ohh!"

Link to post
15 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

 Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.      

Yep, same here.

I was going to say I looked at, then I realised I still do - look at their legs and calves to see the definition from wearing heels and then how they walk so I could imitate the proper footfall. Love my heels and skirts .. 🤗

 

 

Link to post

These feelings were an awakening for me.

 

images.jpeg.21ee5a1147522cab5e00fbd74e8e96e0.jpegI remember so clearly watching the show "Family" in the 1970s and wanting to BE Kristy Mcnichol so much. I knew it was different from a "crush" ... I was 10 or 12 years old and I just wanted to look and act exactly like her. It was the way they dressed her and had her act like a Tom-Boy. I wanted to be a Tom-Boy too.

 

There were many many more like her over the years, but she was really the first time I KNEW I was different.

 

Wierd. I haven't thought about that for years. Such a long and torturous journey from there to here. I'm so glad I finally got to be me.

Link to post
ElizabethStar

I used to find myself staring at women all the time. I would study their curves, the ways they moved and how they would interact with other people. It was never in a sexual way and didn't "do something for me" by watching. Now it seems I was, for lack of better terms, studying them. The more I had learn about woman the more I saw myself and the more I fought who I was. Trying to avoid anything that could possibly confuse me with them.

Link to post

@ElizabethStar I always did the same and had facial hair to hold me back. I still admire and want to be them and study... Also not sexual... I just want to be who I have always wanted to be but was too afraid to step forward. I am moving forward thanks to brave women like you. Thank you 

Shay

Link to post
Heather Nicole
8 hours ago, Jacqui said:

And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

That's so nice!

Link to post

Guilty of both types of watching.☺️ When I see an attractive woman she absolutely captivates me - usually the smile is the first thing I notice and then anything else.  However with friends and strangers I have also found myself just watching them move or dance and how they've put an outfit together, the way they've tied or styled their hair, or the subtle use of body glitter when it catches the light, or an amazing effect with eye and face makeup.  For most of my adult life I assumed it was just like appreciating an artist's work, it wasn't until I started questioning my gender I was honest enough to accept that there was a fair amount of whistful envy snuck in there too. I think one of my all time favourite feelings is when the conversation has reached that level where I am with a group of women and they forget that there is a "man" in the room with them. Total acceptance for a fleeting moment. *sigh*💜❤️🧡

Link to post

I just realized and re-read the topic heading - in my case it is ALL envy physically and all desire to be her.

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 96 Guests (See full list)

    • Astrid
    • DonkeySocks
    • Peyton
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      72,234
    • Total Posts
      660,100
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      7,536
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Haley W
    Newest Member
    Haley W
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Kendra Chelsea
      Kendra Chelsea
    2. Lou Lamoureux
      Lou Lamoureux
      (19 years old)
    3. Petra Jane
      Petra Jane
      (60 years old)
  • Posts

    • DonkeySocks
      There's one thing even a stranger on the Internet can tell you, without having personally known your parents: You don't have to feel guilty about having anticipated and enjoyed traditional childhood things such as bicycles when you were a kid. Your parents were certainly glad you got the chance to be a carefree kid every now and then, in spite of your mother's illness. I'm sorry the radiation treatment failed her so badly.  
    • gina-nicole-t
      @unknown. I can understand where you are coming from on the problem of having no one really close to you, and being in a small town. Like Susan said this is a judgment free place. We will help you out anytime you want to. 
    • gina-nicole-t
      Thank you. She is really helpful.
    • Mary Jane
      not because of anything like HRT so far just natural but i guess yea kind of with general things i like, video games, cartoons, and kind of my personality have changed all within about a year video games are mostly the same preference (basically i like story action games that most and doesn't matter that much on what it is) but then i played a game that's just story yet it was fun!. for cartoons not much but i think i like more of a variety now. and last but not least personality in a way there's a girl side and boy side to me the boy side is basically the me that loves action, adventure, challenges (if they're reasonable), all that boy stuff and the girl side basically loves peaceful, calm, relaxing things, uses emoji's, pretty much everything is the opposite of the boy side, and loves to hug more than my boy side yet only a little more and i think i can switch between them when i want   also if you want what food or drink i like now that i didn't before or vise versa i don't really know yet 
    • Mary Jane
      in a way i know how you probably felt when you typed this I'm still young plus not that good at advice, still in high school life seems so unraveled, so hidden that it seems like it can be anything yet basing my future from my past it doesn't seem good. last school year (2019-2020 school year) I don't know why but its like something popped open and pretty much the whole year was emotionally hard for me i even thought i would do suicide thankfully there's a part of me that just wont let me. but point being all i can really say and i know it might not help is and i quote "keep moving forward" (heard it from a movie but its an important thing everyone needs to keep doing)
    • Jandi
      I have one hanging down from the roof on parachute cord.  I can lower it with a pulley to fill it.  It is by the kitchen window and quite a ways from the ground.  That Flaming Squirrel stuff discouraged the squirrels.  But one night I went into the kitchen and there was a raccoon hanging on the screen trying to get it.  It has to be over 10ft from the ground.  All I can figure is it climbed the conduit for the power and managed to get over to the window somehow. Sheesh.
    • Jani
      I've moved my feeder several times as the nearby trees have grown.  I think I have it in a permanent spot now.  Its too far to jump too! 
    • Willow
      @Heather Nicole thanks. Funny thing about that picture, I as trying to post it with the caption getting ready to go to the beach.  I had changed out of my church dress and I changed my iv because of the wind.   for some reason. Am concentrating so much on getting the picture framed I forget to smile when taking a selfie.     Well, today was Monday.  I had blood work done for my endocrinologist.  The tech got a good vessel, filled the first of three quickly.  I made the mistake of saying she got a good one.  When she switched to the second vial nothing!   she had to switch arms and get three more.  At least that’s done.   Willow
    • Lee H
      HI all, I think 76 is another "unusual" age to start HRT, but that's me. Can't do much about it. I've been on E. for about two weeks. Haven't yet sprouted beautiful B cups, but I'm hoping....   Here's my strategy for living in the "reality/non-reality/hyper-reality" continuum, so far: I'm "transitioning at my own pace, going as far as feels right, and savoring each day, One Day at a Time."   This is the way I'm coping with bizzaro emotions. If I tell myself I'm going as far as ___, total transition? GCS? Boob job? FFS? throat shave? my inner voices [the "Committee"] starts reciting all the bad things I've ever thought about the whole idea, and worrying about all the bad things others will tell me too. But if I say to myself, "Ok, so stop," a wave rolls over me, saying, "Oh hell no. I like how I'm feeling." So rather than pressuring myself to hurry up and get to some feminization "goal," I'm saying to myself, "Maybe I'll call it all off tomorrow, but I'm not going to do that today. I like the way I feel." That's how ODAT works. ~~Hugs, everybody, Lee~~
    • Carolyn Marie
      OMG, thank you all for the squirrel pics and stories!  Jandi, I was laughing out loud with that video.  Absolutely amazing and charming antics and I was so impressed with Mark Rober's skills and ingenuity.   My feeder also has a dome, and I took away most the squirrel's launch points, but they now launch from a tree about 6 ft. away, directly onto the platform base.  I've also tried commercial chemical sprays, but there are too many approaches to the back yard and they just jump over or around where I put the stuff.  So its basically get rid of the feeder or put up with the squirrels.        Carolyn Marie
    • MaryMary
      I've read your post. I just want to mention that I think your posts here are always interesting and your input here is really appreciated. It's great to move on if it's something that sounds right to you. I know that myself I will always concider myself trans. mainly because I suffered from having the impression that I was alone like this when I was young. I *WANT* my kids friends and people at work to see and know that I'm trans and happy.   Good luck for everything to come, you will always find interested ears and empathic hearts here
    • Dana Michelle
      It seems like it is unusual to start at that age. It seems like most people transitioning start either under age 25 or over 50.
    • DragonflyGirl
      I never had a sweet tooth. Now I'm like a kid for anything sugary and strawberry flavoured. My taste for beer gave way to red wine, then to strawberry and lime cider, which for some reason seems to amuse my friends at the pub!   Also, I never used to like baked beans very much, now I absolutely love them. Milder varieties of curry are much tastier to me now as well. I'm not sure if my tastebuds are more sensitive or just different.
    • Sally Stone
      Shay, ours wasn't that talented.  Just a single hole initially.  I kept thinking he should have been more creative.
    • Sally Stone
      Hi Jack.  Welcome to Trans Pulse.  It is so great to meet you.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...