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It’s More About Envy than Desire


Sally Stone

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Sally Stone

There’s no denying I have always been attracted physically to women, but whenever I would look upon a woman, much of what I felt was envy more than desire.  It’s been this way for as long as I can remember, so, I always find myself wondering how much different my thoughts are from men that are not trans. 

 

I can’t imagine them wondering how they’d look in that dress, or how wonderful it would be to have those shoes.  Surely, they don’t find themselves envious of that hourglass figure, or those beautiful legs.  Do they acknowledge how expertly that woman’s makeup is applied; do they recognize how flattering the shade of lipstick she’s chosen is?  I wonder, because those are typical of my thoughts when I see a woman.  Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

So, when a woman catches me staring, she probably thinks of me the way she thinks of all men who stare at women.  I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.  If only she could know that the reason I stare is because of a collection of thoughts and feelings way more complicated.   It’s possible there is still some desire, but it is, and always has been, all about the envy.        

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I'm asexual so there's a lot I don't understand about desire in particular. One thing's for sure is that society don't recognize the worth of a lot of knowledge traditionnaly feminine. I know a girl at a past job that knew everything about cutting hair and makeup (on top of software engineering and QA). She was really good at both and many other things but I feel the guys at work were not giving her the proper credit she deserved. Since I was really young I have the habit of looking at other girls to understand how they do things and to learn what is the frontier of what I can do and cannot do. I always loved woman with deeper voices (Annie Lennox) or tastes that are aligned with mine and out of the ordinary. I love being friend with someone who likes formula 1 for example. I've been a formula 1 fan since I was a child and not many girls like that. At school I knew a girl who loved it as much as me (buying ferrari suits for her baby and everything) and I love love love that when this happen. I always feel like : "phew, I'm ok. I'm not doing something that conflict with my identity because other girls like the same thing"

 

That phenomena is many the main thing trans that's been there for me since childhood. I wouldn't define this as envy... more like "I'm I ok?" "I'm I valid?" kind of mindset.

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8 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

@Sally Stone, get out of my head. I've felt this very same way. I literally said these same words to my wife when I came out to her.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🌈🦋👩🏼

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9 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

 I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

Yeah, same.

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Heather Nicole
11 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.

 

As much as that deeply resonates with me, I feel like it's more complicated in my case. I've always had very strong desires of "wanting 'her'", and I often still do, but over the last number of years, more and more I find my thoughts of "wanting 'her'" are competing more and more with "I want to BE her!!!", and lately, I feel like latter has the edge.

 

But its always jumbled up and mixed for me. I'll spend hours wondering "what in the world was I thinking? I'm totally fine being AMAB male! Just as I've always been!", and then BOOM!, I'm out at a store, and I see other women, with their feminine bodies, dressed in their feminine apparel, maybe with other feminine adornments or accessories and my envy just goes straight into overdrive and at this point any time I see a remotely pretty lady anywhere, I have weird conflicting feelings involving some seemingly random combination of desire and/or envy, or, very often, both.

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12 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I just wish she’d know that my stares weren’t born of lust.

In my experience, once in a great while, she does!  And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

I imagine the expression on my face may give things away -- instead of an appreciative grin, I probably have a furtive, conflicted, uneasy look.  After a second or two of assessing whether I'm some kind of misogynistic weirdo, she puts two and two together and thinks ". . . Ohh!"

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15 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

 Simply stated, I don’t want her so much as I want to be her.      

Yep, same here.

I was going to say I looked at, then I realised I still do - look at their legs and calves to see the definition from wearing heels and then how they walk so I could imitate the proper footfall. Love my heels and skirts .. 🤗

 

 

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These feelings were an awakening for me.

 

images.jpeg.21ee5a1147522cab5e00fbd74e8e96e0.jpegI remember so clearly watching the show "Family" in the 1970s and wanting to BE Kristy Mcnichol so much. I knew it was different from a "crush" ... I was 10 or 12 years old and I just wanted to look and act exactly like her. It was the way they dressed her and had her act like a Tom-Boy. I wanted to be a Tom-Boy too.

 

There were many many more like her over the years, but she was really the first time I KNEW I was different.

 

Wierd. I haven't thought about that for years. Such a long and torturous journey from there to here. I'm so glad I finally got to be me.

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ElizabethStar

I used to find myself staring at women all the time. I would study their curves, the ways they moved and how they would interact with other people. It was never in a sexual way and didn't "do something for me" by watching. Now it seems I was, for lack of better terms, studying them. The more I had learn about woman the more I saw myself and the more I fought who I was. Trying to avoid anything that could possibly confuse me with them.

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@ElizabethStar I always did the same and had facial hair to hold me back. I still admire and want to be them and study... Also not sexual... I just want to be who I have always wanted to be but was too afraid to step forward. I am moving forward thanks to brave women like you. Thank you 

Shay

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Heather Nicole
8 hours ago, Jacqui said:

And when it happens, the woman smiles a faint, knowing smile.  If she has occasion to speak to me, she may address me as "sweetie" or "dearie", or even ask me if I'd like to know where she bought her shoes, dress, or whatever.  It's almost like being 'reverse clocked'.

 

That's so nice!

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Guilty of both types of watching.☺️ When I see an attractive woman she absolutely captivates me - usually the smile is the first thing I notice and then anything else.  However with friends and strangers I have also found myself just watching them move or dance and how they've put an outfit together, the way they've tied or styled their hair, or the subtle use of body glitter when it catches the light, or an amazing effect with eye and face makeup.  For most of my adult life I assumed it was just like appreciating an artist's work, it wasn't until I started questioning my gender I was honest enough to accept that there was a fair amount of whistful envy snuck in there too. I think one of my all time favourite feelings is when the conversation has reached that level where I am with a group of women and they forget that there is a "man" in the room with them. Total acceptance for a fleeting moment. *sigh*💜❤️🧡

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I just realized and re-read the topic heading - in my case it is ALL envy physically and all desire to be her.

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