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Having a hard time.


Bobbie Scott

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Bobbie Scott

Hi everyone,When I started transitioning about 3 1/2 weeks ago. I was ecstatic. Now reality is settling in again. I'm getting scared because I know I'm going to have to start coming out to people. I'm really scared of what they're going to think. I'm scared of if I'm going to be able to pass.I already quit once before because my girlfriend broke up with me. When I was was stopped for awhile, I was really miserable. I'm not trying to be a downer. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way, and how they got through it. I have a therapist, I've joined 3support groups . I really don't want to go back to living the way I was. Even in a group of people I felt alone. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for letting me be part of this group. 

              Bobbie 

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  • Admin

All of those fears are pretty normal, I can remember them from my beginning journey 13 years ago.  Life can be a little rough for a bit and you are on edge much of the time.  Your Therapist and IRL (or virtual) support groups will be you greatest help, but between them on the other days we will keep doing what we have here to help you.  You are going to find that your fears turn out different than you imagined them to, and some friends are going to go the way of the Dodo Bird, but in the long run you will find more staying than leaving, and more things going right than terrible.

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KathyLauren

It is totally normal to be scared.  You are stepping  into a whole new world, that is totally unfamiliar.  Most of us have been there.

 

I scheduled a therapist visit to talk about my fear.  What eased the fear was not the therapy but the hours I had to kill waiting for the appointment.  I live in a little village, and my therapist was in the big city, so I was in a place where I was unknown.  I had an evening and a morning there with nothing on my schedule, so I used the time to test-drive being Kathy.  In the evening, I went out with some support group friends to a trans-friendly nightclub.  The morning before the appointment, I wandered around downtown, window-shopping.  I had breakfast and lunch in restaurants, talked to sales people in stores.  I even joked with a clerk in a co-op store where you have to show your membership card that I guessed I'd need to get that updated, after the computer pulled up my male name.

 

Nowhere did I get any funny looks or head any off-colour comments.  By the time my therapy appointment rolled around, I didn't need it.  The fear was gone.

 

Maybe you could try something similar.  Visit a town where you are not known, in Bobbie mode.  Talk to cashiers and clerks. Eat in restaurants.  Just be yourself and see how it feels.

 

Coming out, especially the first time or two, is still going to be nerve-wracking.  You just have to rip the band-aid off and do it.  After that, it becomes a lot easier.

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Coming out is pretty scary.  Going out in public was terrifying at first for me.  I knew I didn't "pass".  I just kinda bit the bullet and took it a bit at a time.  This is a small city in a rural county but I have never had any problems.  From time to time I run into people who knew me from way back, they are surprised, but there have not been any problems.

Admittedly, since I am of a certain age, and retired, I don't have to deal with work issues.  And my marriage ended a few years ago. (although my ex is fine with things)

 

This is a poem I wrote at the time about trying to get up the nerve to go into the grocery store.

(guess I should have posted it in the poetry forum)

 

 

Mask

 

 

In the parking lot now

I turn off the engine

And sit

 

Smoothing the skirt over my legs

I look down

 

Toenails a lovely coral shade

Setting off the subdued greens and browns

Of this skirt

 

Hand on the door now

I cannot open it

I stay in the car seat

Trembling…

 

I did not wear my mask

 

How strange…

 

I come here nearly every day

But always in my mask

 

I had hoped

Today

Things might change…

 

But drive home again

 

My mask and I go way back

It helps me feel like one of the boys

 

 

 

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ElizabethStar

I have to agree, it can be really scary. Everyone at my job has known about me transitioning for the last few months, I've been pretty open about it. My fears had dissipated but have been reignited  since they changed my name for me on Thursday/Friday. When I get to work tomorrow I have to enter through the warehouse where all the techs gather in the mornings (the front entrance is closed for remodeling) I have to walk-through them and everyone else in the building to get to my desk. I'm a little scared of walking through a gauntlet of service guys. I will be really surprised if no-one says any thing besides good morning.

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@ElizabethStarI don't think those guys will say anything out in the open to you, it sounds like both the owner and your boss would fire any of them for purposely hurting you by calling you anything but Elizabeth or she/her/Ms/Miss/or Ma'am. Or just basically disrespecting you. To be honest, I think I like your employer, very nice to our community by making sure you are taken care of by paying for anything you might need. I'm so jealous of you Love, I still have people in my house that is having a hard time just calling me Holly. lol

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I remember driving away from my little town simply to get groceries or make small trips to any public places as myself.  Every time i was afraid and self conscious.  It seemed that maybe in time the fear would go if i just kept going.  It did.  Also i found out a great deal about how life could be as myself.  Today having moved around as a woman for years now i can do so without thought.  I simply can't see myself as a male today.  Like so many things we get through this: "one way at a time".

 

Hugs,

 

Charliz

 

 

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There aren't any schedules or deadlines @Bobbie Scott.  You can go at whatever pace suits your needs. 

 

You're doing all the right things, Dear.  Just be patient with yourself ...  you'll get there when its the right time for you ❤️

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Bobbie Scott

Thank you everyone. Loved the poem. Feeling better today. Threw out how I was feeling to all my support groups. Told my aa sponsor. Even talked to my ex-girlfriend. I don't think she's the right one to talk to. One hand she's trying to encourage me. On the next she's asking me what if this doesn't make me happy? The fear part is the only thing that doesn't make me happy. 

 

 

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