Hello y'all

[Jade Diaz]

My name (for now) is Jade and I live in Houston, Texas. I'm in my mid 40s, been married for 15 years and I have two kids. I came out to myself "for real" at the end of April, and I came out to my wife about a month ago. I'm pre-everything at this point, since I am still at home and my wife asked me not to do anything to out myself to the kids. We are planning to separate in January and probably will get a divorce some time in 2021.

 

I am here because I would like to learn about experiences other trans women have had introducing their transition to their children - like specific messages they had, how they set up the conversation and so forth.

 

Thanks, looking forward to learning with and from y'all.

 

Jade

[Susan R]

On 9/27/2020 at 9:30 PM, Jade Diaz said:

I am here because I would like to learn about experiences other trans women have had introducing their transition to their children - like specific messages they had, how they set up the conversation and so forth.

Hello Jade, Welcome to our forum...it’s a pleasure to meet you.  I am so sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce. I know this must be one of the hardest things you’ll have to do. I had trouble revealing that I was trans to my wife a while ago and when I finally did, I thought for sure that I’d be in the same situation.

 

I have three grown daughters in their mid-30’s that I came out to early in 2019. The way you come out to each will depend on several factors. To name a few...their age, the location or how physically close they are, the quality of your relationship with them, their personality, their political beliefs, etc... So needless to say, everyone does this differently and sometimes different methods for each child.

 

I won’t go into detail about the specifics of my coming out to my children because frankly, it didn’t go too well when the dust settled. I have one daughter with whom I am dead, one daughter who is completely indifferent and will not be seen with me in public, and the other who is accepting to a limited degree and who also has restrictions like not being seen with me in public. So right now I am in no place to give advice for coming out to older children.

 

My younger grandkids are a different story. They are all accepting of me as Nana Susan. With a few of them the parents wanted to spill the beans which they did. They bought some trans related children books (yes...there are many good ones out there and they are geared to many age groups). The parents both sat down with their kids and discussed these books and the details of my transition. Both  kids took it very well but the youngest 8 year old cried initially but he and his sister are completely fine now 18 months later and visit us often at our home. A couple of other grandkids were told ahead of time by their parents and briefly explained what it all meant and then the parents came over with the kids to our home for an hour so they could meet me. They are both fine with me as Nana Susan and they are allowed to stay over and can visit anytime. The other grandkids were allowed to listen to me explain ‘at their level of understanding’  what I have gone through my entire life and some of the basic issues I dealt with until recently. They were allowed to ask me and my wife questions and they did ask us both quite a few questions that were very good. They all accepted me completely.

 

Like any coming out experience, there are a few things that are helpful and very common characteristics no matter what the personal variables are of the receiver of the news. Be honest, try to stay calm, try not to overwhelm them with all the details at once, try to get them to understand your story from your perspective, stay organized during the delivery as much as possible, and try to do it in the most intimate way that is feasible for each situation (meaning ‘in person’ is usually most effective, texting is usually the least effective). A few things I noticed that you may not but it’s worth mentioning...Initial reactions in my situation changed at least a little after a period of time in almost every case. Also, predicting initial responses and eventual outcomes is very difficult. Overall though, I did the best I could based on the knowledge I had at the time so I didn’t beat myself up too much for mistakes. We can’t expect a perfect outcome but be sure to hope for the best.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Jade Diaz]

On 9/27/2020 at 11:36 PM, Susan R said:

Hello Jade, Welcome to our forum...it’s a pleasure to meet you.  I am so sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce. I know this must be one of the hardest things you’ll have to do. I had trouble revealing that I was trans to my wife a while ago and when I finally did, I thought for sure that I’d be in the same situation.

 

I wish I could say I had a better marriage but the truth is it was always pretty rough - mostly because of me and the way I tried to hide the truth from my wife for all those years. The disclosure itself was rough but we got past that rough spot reasonably quickly. We share a common goal of trying to part without causing each other a lot of unnecessary pain (it still hurts of course)

 

Quote

The way you come out to each will depend on several factors. To name a few...their age, the location or how physically close they are, the quality of your relationship with them, their personality, their political beliefs, etc... So needless to say, everyone does this differently and sometimes different methods for each child.

My son is 11 and my daughter is 9. They don't really have "political beliefs" yet but I know this will probably be difficult for them to accept. I have a lot of low key anxiety about it, but at the same time it feels a long way off.

 

In truth, I spent a decent amount of time reading posts in the forum (including your own previous posts on the topic) - I am left wondering if there have been any "successful" outcomes with children in my age range - I guess your grandchildren would possibly qualify there?

 

Anyway, thank you for welcoming me. I am looking forward to learning and sharing.

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, Jade Diaz said:

My son is 11 and my daughter is 9. They don't really have "political beliefs" yet but I know this will probably be difficult for them to accept.

Yes, I only mentioned “political beliefs” in case your children were older. It can make all the difference in the world. My oldest daughter has always been bi so I thought for sure she’d be completely accepting. It might have been if it wasn’t for the fact that she married one of the biggest trump supporters this side of the Rockies one week prior to my coming out to the world.

 

3 hours ago, Jade Diaz said:

I am left wondering if there have been any "successful" outcomes with children in my age range - I guess your grandchildren would possibly qualify there?

Oh, I believe that is the most accepting age. My grand children are all ages 9 thru 13. My experience says yes there are many successful outcomes in that age range. It’s not as common reading about unsuccessful outcomes with children. I think one of the more important things when you come out to them is to make sure you let them know you’ll always be there for them and your love for them will not change but only grow stronger.

 

Best of luck, Jade. I know it’ll be emotional and difficult at the beginning but you’ll do fine.

 

Susan R?

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jade,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ?

[Confused1]

Hi Jade,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I live in a state that borders yours and the same political environment. My daughters accepted it well, and they are much older than your children. I think Susan is correct. In the age range your children are at, it should go pretty well.

 

Sorry about your divorce, but being amicable with your wife should help with your children. It was harder for my wife, but not to the point of divorce. I am also non binary, which helped. Everyone of us is an individual with different experiences and relationships that can affect our outcomes.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Ivy]

Welcome.

My marriage was already over at the time I came out.  We are still friends, but don't really see each other often.

My grandkids were a little younger at the time.  I think there was more reluctance on the part of their parents, but they seem to have accepted me.  One of my daughters is pretty much an ally and I've baby sat my grand daughter from day one.   She was about 4 at the time (6 now) and never batted an eye - calls me "Grandpa Jandi" which doesn't bother me at all.