That terrible jealousy

[Reverie_Star]

So im just trying to reconcile my own terribleness. I go on you tube and twitter and I see these MtF women on there. And they look, sound and present perfectly as female. I am sure lots of hardwork and maybe some surgeries that I will never be able to afford went into the overall look. But I cry often, because I know I will never pass or look a fraction that good. Then I beat myself up for feeling that way when I should just be supporting these brave women. I hate that seeing them makes my dysphoria go into overdrive. I feel like a jerk for these feelings, but have no idea how to reconcile any of this. 

[Jackie C.]

Sweetie, I'm jealous of cis-women. To be fair, I'm jealous of some trans-women as well. Being jealous of other women is a pretty normal part of being a woman. None of us are completely happy with our bodies. I'm never going to be completely happy with my body. That's OK. All I can do is work towards being the best version of myself that I possibly can. That's... actually fine. My avatar is just me. I like me. Well, I like me NOW. I'm always happy to see that girl in my avatar picture looking back at me in the mirror.

 

As a total aside, that's just HRT. The only surgery I've had is bottom surgery. No part of my bottom is visible in my profile picture. ?

Even if I HAVE taken just SO many pictures of it to send back to my surgeon.

 

Anyway, the point is that as you become more comfortable in your own skin, you're more able to accept what others have. Then you can work on yourself. My friend Ray, for example, looks straight-up amazing. We're working together so that I can be... well, maybe not amazing, but better. I'm still jealous, but it's a good jealous. It motivates me to try harder and to be a better me.

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

I can understand how you feel Katie, A lot of the change we watch with transition videos on Youtube and Twitter show seemingly miraculous physical changes. And yes, much of it motivated me to begin my transition so I’ll give them credit for that but much of the changes in these people on youtube and elsewhere like Transpulse, are the internal mental changes. Most if not all of us have standards we can never really attain no matter how hard we try. With proper assistance with therapy and support of others like ourselves we can and will begin to change our way of thinking. It takes time but you will start to see changes that will motivate you to get to the next step. It’s a long journey but you have plenty of time to see the transition come to full fruition. Just know that these mental changes do happen with all of us that have gone through it. It will happen for you as many others will likely share also. Be patient and stay the course and don’t worry about the success of others. Your time will come.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

[Reverie_Star]

Thank you, I guess im so far behind the starting line and got here so late (48 already) I'm just struggling to see how past the dysphoria that pains me right now. Patience has never been one of my strong points. Just another thing to work on i guess.

P.S. I still get a thrill seeing my name in reference to me. Does that ever go away. I hope not

[AmberM]

@Reverie_Star I can understand how it is easy to feel jealous of other transwomen who are on YouTube or Twitter and have put in the work to transform themselves. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and if managed, can sometimes be used as motivation with the goal being to be the best you possible. Try to keep in mind everyone has their own journey that they travel and that there isn't just one end state for everyone.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Reverie_Star said:

I guess im so far behind the starting line and got here so late (48 already)

Yeah.  A lot of the ones I see started transitioning fairly young.  We're all going to age whether we transition or not.

How we look is important to us, but how we feel on the inside is more important, I believe.

Dysphoria can be rough - sometimes I just go nuts with a razor on body hair.  It just won't go away!

But I enjoy the little things that are happening.  The boobettes, noticing how I move, and how my mannerisms are changing over time.

 

[DonkeySocks]

I feel this way too and I'm a trans guy, so it's not just the ladies. The cure is to give yourself breaks, like two weeks long at least, from YouTube, reddit, and twitter.

 

Also, this is true of anything you see on camera: skilled people put time into their appearance and mannerisms for that moment you see in the photo or on video. And they edit the video or photo, and select what you see. There's nothing wrong with that. It's art. But if someone with enough skill got you ready for the camera, and you were confident on camera, you would pass a lot better than you do in any given moment lounging around surfing the web.

[Reverie_Star]

Thanks Donkeysocks, 

Yeah Logic, something I have been lacking as of late. I've been up and down so much recently. Im on full emotional brain. The logic center has been turned off. Thanks for the perspective. 

[Heather Shay]

@Reverie_Star I know I am jealous of those I see but I then realize they are not me and I am beautiful to  - maybe not on the outside - but the woman on my inside is amazing and whatever I can do to bring that beauty to the outside I will  - some have the money to do major changes and MOST of us don't - but you know what - it's the woman inside that counts and although I have to work on trying not to be jealous every day and am envious of young women and beautiful mtf's - they are as rare as the super models - so we need to get over it and realize -we are the real deal and just as much a woman as they are and have what outward beauty and voice that I can have for  the body, circumstances and age I have to work with and be the kindest and happiest woman I can be and accept ME for who I am - looks aren't everything and I can testify to that. I always told people I had a face made for radio and that goes for male fake or female real.

 

THE REAL ME - is much better than the FAKE OTHERS who might be cuter outside but sadder on the inside.

 

[Jackie C.]

Hey now, never be down on yourself because you don't happen to be your own type.

 

Hugs!

[Sally Stone]

We are conditioned by our society to accept a certain concept of beauty, and whether we are trans or cis, we are always trying to compare ourselves to that unrealistic concept.   For 90 percent of us, we can't even come close to that artificially high bar.  To maintain a healthy introspective we need to shed society's illusion of what's beautiful and focus on what's important, our inner selves.  That's where the real beauty lies anyway.  

[Heather Shay]

@Reverie_Star there is a 2003 movie called Normal with Tom Wilkerson and Jessica Lange. Tom transitions and is definitely not the prettiest woman BUT when his wife (lange) finally accepts him changing she helps with wardrobe and tells Wilkerson... "You have to use what you've been given"  and helped with clothes to compliment her male size and weight. 

That made an impression on me. Be real. Accent what attributes you've got and we emphasize less attractive features. I have broad ( wrong broad) shoulders so I find clothes that don't broadcast my shoulders. I have a wide jaw so I use makeup to tone it down. Thin hair - wig helps. You get the idea.

Reality is reality including the money available to make changes. It is hard to do but it leads to a happier you. You are unique and no one else has your unique beauty.

[Dinaki]

Some of us have started the transition when we were very young and had the surgery also at a young age, and not after a man was married to woman ( one or two times) and also having children and grandchildren,then he decides to transition at age 60+...

 

Face, hands, body, voice etc... were not developed  yet to become as a man and with the hormones, our body fully changed to that woman you see  and admire. 
Myself included and many other ladies that I know, have not touched our face surgically ( feminization). Later in life, we may have went under the knife to perhaps have “the French beauty” ( Bardot, Gabor, Lauren etc).

 

Thats my answer to the OP and Shay dear, we are not fake, that was bold for you to say that!

 

[Erikka]

Hei alle sammen,

  I too get jealous of YouTube. But two things, 1) yes I transitioned very late in life, but those years, those scars on my body and my heart, I earned them, and they made me who I am at my core. Yes, I have made more than a few good choices and some really bad ones, but that makes me who I am. 2) Yes I would like to look in the mirror and see the woman I have dreamed I would be, but the life that led me to this place has been a hard one. Do I wish that life had had not so many twists and turns? Again yes. But when I look in the mirror I do see me, the woman I have become and I am proud of her for not quitting, for not giving up in defeat just because I'm not the head turner I had hoped to be. Add all that up and that reflection looks pretty (censored - beat you to it admins) good. 

Remember girls: Illegitimi non carborundum

Velsignelser

Erikka

 

[Reverie_Star]

Hi , I see this topic has a lot of emotion, and I'm sorry if I hit some nerves. Im super early and pre everything and terrified. I probably have unrealistic goals for a 48 yo. And loving myself is a skill I have still yet to develop. So thats probably why I'm so jealous. Maybe as i grow and start my transition, and hopefully learn to at least like myself first. Some of my petty jealousy will fade. 

[Jacqui]

@Reverie_Star, I can relate to where you're coming from.  In fact, in a follow-up post to the first topic I ever started in these forums, I wrote:

 

"I spent some time a couple of days ago watching YouTube videos by gender therapists addressing a plethora of topics and questions, as well as videos by people who have successfully (my oh my -- how VERY successfully) transitioned giving advice on how to approach the various steps involved.  I must have overloaded on those videos, because I wound up with feelings of deep, deep despair . . ."

 

I think the thoughts shared by the other respondents here are important to consider.

[Jackie C.]

Hey now @Reverie_Star, I started transition at the exact same age you are and I'm adorable. I started learning to love myself at about the same time. I have the occasional bad day, but I think overall I've had good results. If I'm not having good results, please don't tell me. I'd rather be deluded. ?

 

The point being that I'm happy, flirty (really, really flirty with my spouse) and I don't hate myself anymore. I feel fantastic and I dearly wish you could feel like this for yourself. Transition can be challenging, but being your authentic self is so very rewarding. I wouldn't trade a moment of my journey.

 

Hugs!

[Reverie_Star]

Thank you @Jacqui and @Jackie C.. Ive been kind low this last 2 weeks as I just came out to my wife, and she spends lots of time crying. I have to give her credit she is trying, but im just besting myself up a lot for it. Luckily I see my therapist today. I really hope some day I can finally like myself because a lifetime of not has been tough as I am sure you are familiar. But just encouragement and solidarity from wonderful women and guys in places like this help. So thank you.

[Confused1]

On 9/29/2020 at 4:39 PM, Shay said:

@Reverie_Star there is a 2003 movie called Normal with Tom Wilkerson and Jessica Lange. Tom transitions and is definitely not the prettiest woman BUT when his wife (lange) finally accepts him changing she helps with wardrobe and tells Wilkerson... "You have to use what you've been given"  and helped with clothes to compliment her male size and weight. 

That made an impression on me. Be real. Accent what attributes you've got and we emphasize less attractive features. I have broad ( wrong broad) shoulders so I find clothes that don't broadcast my shoulders. I have a wide jaw so I use makeup to tone it down. Thin hair - wig helps. You get the idea.

Reality is reality including the money available to make changes. It is hard to do but it leads to a happier you. You are unique and no one else has your unique beauty.

 Wow,

 

This is a powerful movie, and I've only watched about half of it so far!

 

Hugs,

Mike