Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

That terrible jealousy


Reverie_Star

Recommended Posts

So im just trying to reconcile my own terribleness. I go on you tube and twitter and I see these MtF women on there. And they look, sound and present perfectly as female. I am sure lots of hardwork and maybe some surgeries that I will never be able to afford went into the overall look. But I cry often, because I know I will never pass or look a fraction that good. Then I beat myself up for feeling that way when I should just be supporting these brave women. I hate that seeing them makes my dysphoria go into overdrive. I feel like a jerk for these feelings, but have no idea how to reconcile any of this. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Sweetie, I'm jealous of cis-women. To be fair, I'm jealous of some trans-women as well. Being jealous of other women is a pretty normal part of being a woman. None of us are completely happy with our bodies. I'm never going to be completely happy with my body. That's OK. All I can do is work towards being the best version of myself that I possibly can. That's... actually fine. My avatar is just me. I like me. Well, I like me NOW. I'm always happy to see that girl in my avatar picture looking back at me in the mirror.

 

As a total aside, that's just HRT. The only surgery I've had is bottom surgery. No part of my bottom is visible in my profile picture. ?

Even if I HAVE taken just SO many pictures of it to send back to my surgeon.

 

Anyway, the point is that as you become more comfortable in your own skin, you're more able to accept what others have. Then you can work on yourself. My friend Ray, for example, looks straight-up amazing. We're working together so that I can be... well, maybe not amazing, but better. I'm still jealous, but it's a good jealous. It motivates me to try harder and to be a better me.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I can understand how you feel Katie, A lot of the change we watch with transition videos on Youtube and Twitter show seemingly miraculous physical changes. And yes, much of it motivated me to begin my transition so I’ll give them credit for that but much of the changes in these people on youtube and elsewhere like Transpulse, are the internal mental changes. Most if not all of us have standards we can never really attain no matter how hard we try. With proper assistance with therapy and support of others like ourselves we can and will begin to change our way of thinking. It takes time but you will start to see changes that will motivate you to get to the next step. It’s a long journey but you have plenty of time to see the transition come to full fruition. Just know that these mental changes do happen with all of us that have gone through it. It will happen for you as many others will likely share also. Be patient and stay the course and don’t worry about the success of others. Your time will come.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

 

 

Link to comment

Thank you, I guess im so far behind the starting line and got here so late (48 already) I'm just struggling to see how past the dysphoria that pains me right now. Patience has never been one of my strong points. Just another thing to work on i guess.

P.S. I still get a thrill seeing my name in reference to me. Does that ever go away. I hope not

Link to comment

@Reverie_Star I can understand how it is easy to feel jealous of other transwomen who are on YouTube or Twitter and have put in the work to transform themselves. Jealousy is a normal human emotion, and if managed, can sometimes be used as motivation with the goal being to be the best you possible. Try to keep in mind everyone has their own journey that they travel and that there isn't just one end state for everyone.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Reverie_Star said:

I guess im so far behind the starting line and got here so late (48 already)

Yeah.  A lot of the ones I see started transitioning fairly young.  We're all going to age whether we transition or not.

How we look is important to us, but how we feel on the inside is more important, I believe.

Dysphoria can be rough - sometimes I just go nuts with a razor on body hair.  It just won't go away!

But I enjoy the little things that are happening.  The boobettes, noticing how I move, and how my mannerisms are changing over time.

 

Link to comment

I feel this way too and I'm a trans guy, so it's not just the ladies. The cure is to give yourself breaks, like two weeks long at least, from YouTube, reddit, and twitter.

 

Also, this is true of anything you see on camera: skilled people put time into their appearance and mannerisms for that moment you see in the photo or on video. And they edit the video or photo, and select what you see. There's nothing wrong with that. It's art. But if someone with enough skill got you ready for the camera, and you were confident on camera, you would pass a lot better than you do in any given moment lounging around surfing the web.

Link to comment

Thanks Donkeysocks, 

Yeah Logic, something I have been lacking as of late. I've been up and down so much recently. Im on full emotional brain. The logic center has been turned off. Thanks for the perspective. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Reverie_Star I know I am jealous of those I see but I then realize they are not me and I am beautiful to  - maybe not on the outside - but the woman on my inside is amazing and whatever I can do to bring that beauty to the outside I will  - some have the money to do major changes and MOST of us don't - but you know what - it's the woman inside that counts and although I have to work on trying not to be jealous every day and am envious of young women and beautiful mtf's - they are as rare as the super models - so we need to get over it and realize -we are the real deal and just as much a woman as they are and have what outward beauty and voice that I can have for  the body, circumstances and age I have to work with and be the kindest and happiest woman I can be and accept ME for who I am - looks aren't everything and I can testify to that. I always told people I had a face made for radio and that goes for male fake or female real.

 

THE REAL ME - is much better than the FAKE OTHERS who might be cuter outside but sadder on the inside.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hey now, never be down on yourself because you don't happen to be your own type.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

We are conditioned by our society to accept a certain concept of beauty, and whether we are trans or cis, we are always trying to compare ourselves to that unrealistic concept.   For 90 percent of us, we can't even come close to that artificially high bar.  To maintain a healthy introspective we need to shed society's illusion of what's beautiful and focus on what's important, our inner selves.  That's where the real beauty lies anyway.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@Reverie_Star there is a 2003 movie called Normal with Tom Wilkerson and Jessica Lange. Tom transitions and is definitely not the prettiest woman BUT when his wife (lange) finally accepts him changing she helps with wardrobe and tells Wilkerson... "You have to use what you've been given"  and helped with clothes to compliment her male size and weight. 

That made an impression on me. Be real. Accent what attributes you've got and we emphasize less attractive features. I have broad ( wrong broad) shoulders so I find clothes that don't broadcast my shoulders. I have a wide jaw so I use makeup to tone it down. Thin hair - wig helps. You get the idea.

Reality is reality including the money available to make changes. It is hard to do but it leads to a happier you. You are unique and no one else has your unique beauty.

Link to comment

Some of us have started the transition when we were very young and had the surgery also at a young age, and not after a man was married to woman ( one or two times) and also having children and grandchildren,then he decides to transition at age 60+...

 

Face, hands, body, voice etc... were not developed  yet to become as a man and with the hormones, our body fully changed to that woman you see  and admire. 
Myself included and many other ladies that I know, have not touched our face surgically ( feminization). Later in life, we may have went under the knife to perhaps have “the French beauty” ( Bardot, Gabor, Lauren etc).

 

Thats my answer to the OP and Shay dear, we are not fake, that was bold for you to say that!

 

Link to comment


Hei alle sammen,

  I too get jealous of YouTube. But two things, 1) yes I transitioned very late in life, but those years, those scars on my body and my heart, I earned them, and they made me who I am at my core. Yes, I have made more than a few good choices and some really bad ones, but that makes me who I am. 2) Yes I would like to look in the mirror and see the woman I have dreamed I would be, but the life that led me to this place has been a hard one. Do I wish that life had had not so many twists and turns? Again yes. But when I look in the mirror I do see me, the woman I have become and I am proud of her for not quitting, for not giving up in defeat just because I'm not the head turner I had hoped to be. Add all that up and that reflection looks pretty (censored - beat you to it admins) good. 


Remember girls: Illegitimi non carborundum

Velsignelser

Erikka







 

Link to comment

Hi , I see this topic has a lot of emotion, and I'm sorry if I hit some nerves. Im super early and pre everything and terrified. I probably have unrealistic goals for a 48 yo. And loving myself is a skill I have still yet to develop. So thats probably why I'm so jealous. Maybe as i grow and start my transition, and hopefully learn to at least like myself first. Some of my petty jealousy will fade. 

Link to comment

@Reverie_Star, I can relate to where you're coming from.  In fact, in a follow-up post to the first topic I ever started in these forums, I wrote:

 

"I spent some time a couple of days ago watching YouTube videos by gender therapists addressing a plethora of topics and questions, as well as videos by people who have successfully (my oh my -- how VERY successfully) transitioned giving advice on how to approach the various steps involved.  I must have overloaded on those videos, because I wound up with feelings of deep, deep despair . . ."

 

I think the thoughts shared by the other respondents here are important to consider.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hey now @Reverie_Star, I started transition at the exact same age you are and I'm adorable. I started learning to love myself at about the same time. I have the occasional bad day, but I think overall I've had good results. If I'm not having good results, please don't tell me. I'd rather be deluded. ?

 

The point being that I'm happy, flirty (really, really flirty with my spouse) and I don't hate myself anymore. I feel fantastic and I dearly wish you could feel like this for yourself. Transition can be challenging, but being your authentic self is so very rewarding. I wouldn't trade a moment of my journey.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Thank you @Jacqui and @Jackie C.. Ive been kind low this last 2 weeks as I just came out to my wife, and she spends lots of time crying. I have to give her credit she is trying, but im just besting myself up a lot for it. Luckily I see my therapist today. I really hope some day I can finally like myself because a lifetime of not has been tough as I am sure you are familiar. But just encouragement and solidarity from wonderful women and guys in places like this help. So thank you.

Link to comment
On 9/29/2020 at 4:39 PM, Shay said:

@Reverie_Star there is a 2003 movie called Normal with Tom Wilkerson and Jessica Lange. Tom transitions and is definitely not the prettiest woman BUT when his wife (lange) finally accepts him changing she helps with wardrobe and tells Wilkerson... "You have to use what you've been given"  and helped with clothes to compliment her male size and weight. 

That made an impression on me. Be real. Accent what attributes you've got and we emphasize less attractive features. I have broad ( wrong broad) shoulders so I find clothes that don't broadcast my shoulders. I have a wide jaw so I use makeup to tone it down. Thin hair - wig helps. You get the idea.

Reality is reality including the money available to make changes. It is hard to do but it leads to a happier you. You are unique and no one else has your unique beauty.

 Wow,

 

This is a powerful movie, and I've only watched about half of it so far!

 

Hugs,

Mike

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
    • Birdie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      When do you know you've had enough surgery?
    • Heather Shay
      Another week completed with more inregration.
    • Heather Shay
      Relief (emotion) Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Relief_(emotion)         Relief is a positive emotion experienced when something unpleasant, painful or distressing has not happened or has come to an end.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...