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Just Want to Know How you are feeling a this moment


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My Therapist brought up something for me that I've never been able to do well. Express my feeling. She told me to google FEELINGS and bring up a list. Use the list as a reference to identify WHAT feeling I am having. Don't say feeling good or feeling bad. She called it Emotional Grandularity. SO... right now I am feeling EMPOWERED and REFRESHED.

 

How are you - don't say good or bad - here's a list.....

 

image.png.9e6c94e7a7937172b464cca2bfb33227.png

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Interesting thread @Shay.

 

I am feeling Frustrated, Mixed up, Damaged and Drained. I doubt I could explain that but, don't worry, I will get over it. 

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At least you know what you are feeling and knowledge is power to accept and disarm quicker. When I figured out what triggered my anxiety attacks and depression - just knowing what it was released the length of suffering immensely.

Hang in there @Abi you are loved by more people than you know.

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Lately… Depressed and Drained.

 

Guess a bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but stubbornly holding on.

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Being like us is not easy and it takes all of us to support us - when you're down look here and you'll find someone to help - when you're up do the same for another one of us who is down. BOTH will make you feel better.

Hug

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Being completely honest, I am feeling trapped, drained and powerless. 

 

I just came to terms that my parents won't let me move until I'm 18. Everyday lectures are draining my energy and will to do anything. I'm expected to preform at 100% everyday and they only give me 3 hours for school each day. I'm really stressing and they are expecting straight A's, which I have at the moment but I'm scared of even getting a B. I couldn't sleep last night and caffeine doesn't work on me, it's just makes me calm. I miss being in person for school because I had support but now I have nothing, of course online helps a lot but it's limited. I just feel cornered and blehhh.

 

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@Aidan5 - the pandemic sucks but we all feel it. I know that doesn't make you feel any better - but I'm glad coming here to the forum helps a little - even that little mighty get you through the day - the feeling of being drained is definitely a sign of depression - if you haven't been to a doctor - might help to see if you can have an aid - I take a low dose of setraline (a zoloft generic) and I don't know from your body chemistry what might be good - but I will say when I was SUPER depressive the low dose aid really helped me get through the roughest patches. I wish you didn't HAVE to be expected to get all A's but I might wonder what would happen if you asked what happens if you can't keep the pace - hold on - and come here when you need to talk. 

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7 hours ago, Shay said:

Hang in there @Abi you are loved by more people than you know.

I appreciate it Shay. I just feel like my issue is out of my hands now and that is making each day that I wait for answers feel overwhelming. Like I said, I'll get over it. Things could always be worse so I feel lucky to have what I do. 

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2 hours ago, Shay said:

@Aidan5 - the pandemic sucks but we all feel it. I know that doesn't make you feel any better - but I'm glad coming here to the forum helps a little - even that little mighty get you through the day - the feeling of being drained is definitely a sign of depression - if you haven't been to a doctor - might help to see if you can have an aid - I take a low dose of setraline (a zoloft generic) and I don't know from your body chemistry what might be good - but I will say when I was SUPER depressive the low dose aid really helped me get through the roughest patches. I wish you didn't HAVE to be expected to get all A's but I might wonder what would happen if you asked what happens if you can't keep the pace - hold on - and come here when you need to talk. 

The forum helps a ton. So funny thing, I have been diagnosed with Depression and ADHD by licensed professionals, and I had medication, but my parents pulled me from therapy and took away the medication. They don't believe I have depression or ADHD, Also my therapist did diagnose me with gender dysphoria and my parents got angry, that's probably why I was pulled from therapy. 

 

Yeah like last week I got a 85% on a test and it brought my grade to a 89% which showed as a B+ and I kinda felt like my world was gonna end, I felt like I was in danger. I kept emailing my teacher to ask for a retake which I eventually got and ended with a score of 100%

 

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@Aidan5 not sure what you can do but your parents should not endanger you and remove meds that could help you. The is endangerment. Are you able to contact your therapist and tell him or her what is happening? You should not be treated like that from your parents. Is there a school counsellor  you could tell what you have shared here? 

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Late to the party .... (sorry, big day)

 

 

As someone who has no problem talking about feelings and expressing emotions (if you are into Myers-Briggs 16 personalities, I'm INFP-T) I find that list way too limiting.

 

I'm feeling relaxed, optimistic, satisfied and a little melancholy (my youngest got her license today and I feel they are all growing up so fast!)

 

Anyway, not sure how valuable that is to anyone, but I love talking about feelings and emotions .

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Sigh .... today has been much like the last 30 days. Frustrated, sad, angry and lost. Everything seems so far away.

Still going through the WPATH protocols so its taking time.

Had to listen to blokey blokes going on about drag queens and transvestites today, made me feel sad .. and in my head was the distress is this what they will say about me behind my back when i come out.

 

It wasn't until later I realised I've turned a corner. Not if, not will I, but WHEN.

Still feel sad, frustrated and lost but some of the anger I've felt through he day has drained away.

 

This has been a very emotionally and physically tiring month.

 

Reading everyone's posts has been keeping me going, when I just want to go to bed and not ever get up.

So thank you.

 

Hugs

Robin

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KathyLauren

I am feeling hopeful and pleased. 

 

Hopeful that the pain from my surgery six months ago might finally be starting to get better.  Not that it's all gone yet, far from it, and I am still somewhat disabled, but I am better than I was a couple of weeks ago.  Maybe I won't need a revision after all.

 

And I am pleased that my paperwork saga is drawing to a close with the arrival of my updated birth certificate this week. 

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I am happy this topic seems to be resonating. 

@Berni I will see if I can find a more extensions feelings list but be assured any feeling you or others wish to express is completely welcome.

 

I am ecstatic that we can and all of you so far have been so open and honest. It helps me me and I hope it helps you.

 

Heather Shay

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Twinsies @Berni Every time I do Meyers Briggs I come out as INFP I was  -T today, but I am not long out of a counselling so it is not too surprising.😐  I find the mood I project varies with the people around me, but what folk usually see is a someone who is quietly calm and confident 90% of the time.  The cracks have started showing though and exhauseted was one of the words bandied around today, that I cannot deny!  You have a knack @Shay for picking topics that folk want to engage in!

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@DeeDee thank you - apparently my concerns and wishes and worries have a lot in common with the other ladies here and that makes me happy and I learn so much from the interaction.

 

I am going for my 3 month check up for HRT and I can't wait - I'm energized and hoping the blood tests agree because I feel SO MUCH happier on HRT.

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18 hours ago, Shay said:

@Aidan5 not sure what you can do but your parents should not endanger you and remove meds that could help you. The is endangerment. Are you able to contact your therapist and tell him or her what is happening? You should not be treated like that from your parents. Is there a school counsellor  you could tell what you have shared here? 

I only have 7 months before I am 18 and can legally leave with no consequences. I already tried talking to my counselor, they basically told me that I should "stop trying to control things that I can't control" and I did reach out to cps, all they did was say "You are so brave for reaching out" and that is the last I heard from them. I tried emailing my therapist but I have not heard back, I feel like my parents have something to do with that. 

 

It's whatever I guess, it's just a little longer, I have an aunt who has been desperately trying to remove me from the home but she can't do it legally until I am 18 which is in April :)) 

 

I just gotta make do, I'll be okay I think. Grades stress me out a crap ton, but so far so good.   

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Jackie C.
1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

I only have 7 months before I am 18 and can legally leave with no consequences. I already tried talking to my counselor, they basically told me that I should "stop trying to control things that I can't control" and I did reach out to cps, all they did was say "You are so brave for reaching out" and that is the last I heard from them. I tried emailing my therapist but I have not heard back, I feel like my parents have something to do with that. 

 

It's whatever I guess, it's just a little longer, I have an aunt who has been desperately trying to remove me from the home but she can't do it legally until I am 18 which is in April :)) 

 

I just gotta make do, I'll be okay I think. Grades stress me out a crap ton, but so far so good.   

 

OK, April isn't so bad. I'd be happier if you were out of there sooner. You can't really thrive in that environment. April is manageable though. Seven months weighed against the rest of your life. I think you can do it.

 

Also, grades stress everybody out. Especially when they're held over your head like that. We really need to switch to a less... awful... model for our educational system.

 

Big hugs sweetie! You can do this!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

OK, April isn't so bad. I'd be happier if you were out of there sooner. You can't really thrive in that environment. April is manageable though. Seven months weighed against the rest of your life. I think you can do it.

 

Also, grades stress everybody out. Especially when they're held over your head like that. We really need to switch to a less... awful... model for our educational system.

 

Big hugs sweetie! You can do this!

Yeah, I kinda feel like I am only here to do the chores and babysit. I keep asking to apply to jobs near me (Even before the pandemic) and also for driver's licence, I have studied for the tests for so long now and they won't even attempt to help me. I told them that the jobs I was looking for were close enough for me to walk. Then my dad said, "Then who is gonna watch the baby?" Which actually my stepmom doesn't work JUST so she can watch the baby, but my dad is always like "no, your stepmom need to rest, she is so tired from all the chores" which is incorrect because I do the chores AND watch the baby all day AND care for the dogs. But yeah no my stepmom is the only tired one here. I have no real life experience, which is why I am so thankful for my aunt who is looking forward to helping me. She even calls me AJ which is amazing, (I asked her to call me that)

 

It doesn't help that my school is online and my stepmom only lets me work for 3 hours a day... which stresses me out even more. I don't even know how I am upholding my grades. 

 

April will be here soon though!!  

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1 hour ago, Aidan5 said:

I have no real life experience, which is why I am so thankful for my aunt who is looking forward to helping me. She even calls me AJ which is amazing, (I asked her to call me that)

It is good that you have somewhere to go for support when you can leave

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Hang in there, Aidan.

You're counselor was right on -- "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." The wisdom in the Serenity Prayer has saved my ass many, many times. I've been clean and sober for awhile, and I've come to believe that the "things I cannot change" are everything and everyone. However I firmly believe the one single thing only I can change is my own attitude. Knowing that is very powerful. Our choice is to cop a resentment and ruminate over how unfair it all is, how you're getting a raw deal, how everything sucks, how you should be able to change it, how you can't, and what a loser that makes you. I've been there, done that. It's all BS, of course, but it weighs us down, constantly. Our other choice is to figure out our own personal gratitude lists, things in our lives now that are good, things we hope will be good soon, ways to accomplish them on our own, needing permission from no body, and ways to wait it out until the time is right without eating ourseves alive from the inside out.

 

It's your head. Nobody can dictate what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what your attitude will be. Only you can, and that's one hell of a lot. Go forth and prosper....

 

~~With a big hug from Lee~~

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Oops. Not you're -- your. And to think I was an English major....

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The Serenity Prayer the day after an injection goes like this “God grant me....etc.....etc....and the wisdom to know where to bury the bodies”

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@Aidan5 I am glad so many have shown you that you have loving people here. Keep reaching out to us. We are listening and will help get you through. Hang in there you have a bunch of us in your corner now.

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I feel slightly frustrated, weary and let down. I had to go to the hospital to get x-rays done. I have significant issues with my spine. I recently changed my preferred name with the entire network I am in. It is on every piece of paper caregivers see. I talked to five different people during this process and every one of them looked right past that and called me by given name. I didn't say anything until the end of the visit. It's not like I am able to change what they did. The frustration comes from knowing this hospital prides itself on being sensitive to preferred name usage and that not one in five did their job. I gauge my care off of these little things as much as the big ones. I am weary because I know I have a lot of visits that will be necessary if I want help. They have already determined surgery is my only option if there is one at all. I am let down because I need help and I doubt my chances of getting through this without major complications. They may declare me disabled and that will end any chances I have of moving forward with any of my other medical desires. So yeah, I'm pretty down about everything.

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    • JillPilled
      How's it going y'all? Hope everyone is doing well. I'm Jillian, a transwoman, 26, and mainly looking to discuss experiences here, and find a better way to network and get a wider breadth to really hear and talk about experiences in all the dimensions socially you can think of to participate in a community--particularly amidst the pandemic! COVID-19 displaced me from my ability to attend my in-person counseling for mental-health associated with feminizing, before I transferred into a separate online tele-health component that's been working efficiently with me for Planned Parenthood-- so this forum complimentary to that really seems from what I've been browsing just very early on to be essential :D!   Just to preface, I've known my identity for about 10 years now, and only recently without the past year began actualizing my transition (besides coming out to my dad/step mom about being trans-fem) with HRT/frequent blood tests and visits/later tele-health visits to my doctor. I live with my dad, step-mom, at the moment, and my father and mother are separated--there's a long-history there that is quite depressing that is way too much for an introduction, but long and short is it was a really strained and short-term (6 year-marriage) relationship. Unfortunately, and nothing looking back that I feel hatred for now but then it was largely unknown to me--but my mom has some issues with bipolar-depressive disorder which have been left unmedicated/treated for some time--likely over 20 years, close to my age. Additionally she holds some sharp views about gender, sexual orientation, and unfortunately even relationships concerning interracial couples (she's... quite bigoted honestly, and not one I would pick to be a representative of an actual good-person to my mind/Christian which she reinforced but held these practices which seemed contradictory and harsh views). Though, I'm agnostic so I'm not the best judge on that matter. Anyhow, currently, it bears noting I am also very much estranged from my mom, for those reasons since December 2014--and hence why I had to repress so much regarding my transition and depression while with her and facing abuse for not being sufficiently in the gender-category she wanted me to be--and saw me as lacking or 'a failure' in that part.  It was enough emotional-trauma/stress to not want to speak or see her ever again--alongside of trying to place me in Catholic related schools, institutions which personally I never felt content/happy with that decision made for me.   I was stuck in isolation in the middle of nowhere in central-Virginia for some time--I want to say 4-5 years, without a high-school curriculum (I was not enrolled, nor attended high-school... or was enrolled in any accredited outside course that could be considered academic--virtually stuck within our home with the resources I could find off the internet via an ancient laptop my dad was kind enough to buy me), and did not actually thrive in any capacity until managing to leave. And I'll just say I haven't found a way to fill a lot of the vacant parts of my brain wanting for explanation of that time in all the spheres, or let go of those really lonely times/experiences--stuck with being the only one to know who I actually was identity wise. Mainly, along the lines of 'why do I perceive myself as not right or unnatural when presenting myself in public' or putting on a personality that I KNOW is drastically more feminine and lovely in my view than this forced and fake male one that makes me feel as if I'm lying to everyone and me too. I see no meaning in it. Every time with relatives it was absolute pain--as with people I didn't know, and after quite some time I gave up on all that just within this past year.   Takes you a while to realize sometimes there's not a greater meaning to abuse or trauma in some contexts, and that just constantly me dwelling on it was ratcheting it into something way deeper and worsening my mental-state as I couldn't leave those times (PTSD). It's slow but realized change to reject there being a meaning to some cases, and to try to overcome with new ones/forget as best you can. Actually, funny enough, when I escaped that situation for the past 6-ish years it's been a massive hurdle to even tell someone trusted such as my dad/stepmom, as well as my boyfriend (while we were still just bestfriends) and a couple other good friends of mine that I'm trans--and while I had the answer it was something I held back for so long because of these prior experiences, and I did not too much besides academically 'catch up' during these times until I came out fully. Sure this is far more common than, once, my perception held towards thinking how entrapped, lonely that feeling was--rather, a kinda selfish thought of that surely no one else could know but that was DEFINITELY a case of 16-year old to 18 year old me thinking in a much younger and isolated lens, haha.   Are there any experiences recently that you feel like, personally, you've done well in creating for yourself or were positive in outlook--in the same capacity, perhaps, good ways to seek to move on from those that were negative to you--because I feel as if that's equally of valid or concerning in transitioning? Sorry, if that's a bit personal for just an intro., but! I do love talking with others about mental-health as well as identity, it can be nice to vent some about it to somebody--I've done more than my share to my boyfriend when he visits out of Toronto over here in Virginia, and over Discord calls we have together as of COVID. Love to meet and talk with y'all about yours, it's good to share or listen really in equal measure--I enjoy it a lot with all sorts of matters! Thank you so much for reading, and have a good day (I drafted this quite late, so not sure I will be up for a little while--night owl that I am but hope to catch up on other forum posts soon as well :>)
    • Noah A
      Hi @DonkeySocks. Thank you so much for your welcome. You are so right. That's what I've done with one of my best friends. She has been supportive, if a bit skeptical. She leans towards believing that this probably has other explanations, or at least making totally sure that is not the case. Can't blame her, she has know me only in my overfeminine phase.     Thank you for that. It's interesting that, no matter how much I know that is the case, I still doubt them. So it is a huge support to hear those words.       Hi @DeeDee. You have no idea (except you probably do) how reasuring it is that you share this experience in this way (not always knowing) and yet it is totally real and you've come this far. And yes, being honest with myself and self-acceptance and self-love are the goals. Each question and each answer may scare me, but they also set me free, and when I allow myself to think "I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman" everything inside of me relaxes. It scares me, but I'm not letting go of that feeling!     Hi @Susan R. Yes! I have one. There was none in my area but I found them in Barcelona. I'm only two session into therapy but it has made a world of difference, in terms of being able to talk about this with an informed, neutral and non judgemental person. I actually am in this forum because I could put aside my previous "I am not trans enough" fear, and that's thanks to therapy. The awareness and ability to legitimize my feelings and reality has no price.   Thank you all for your welcome. It is felt and deeply appreciated. I'll do my best to be here for you as much as you are here for me.
    • Noah A
      Hi @sparky I can't talk from experience about coming out to a significant other, because I don't have it. What I can say is that, from my point of view, you've given yourself and your wive the gift of an open and honest relationship, the possibility of being your true selves with one another. I have no clue how it can turn out, but now it has the chance of being real and profound.  
    • RhondaS
      Struggled with that a long time too, besides all the other struggles. But at some point I thought I'd rather live the rest of my life as an ugly woman than any kind of man. And HRT helped me mentally almost right away, well before any physical changes. Yes, I still don't like what I see in the mirror, but feel significantly better than I used to (and it's only 5 weeks in). 
    • RhondaS
      Does anyone ever misgender back? I'd be tempted to do that, at least on the way out. "Thanks, sir!"
    • RhondaS
      Do you have a link for that quote from Harris saying she'll invoke the 25th? Google's not helping, and you'd think that statement would have made enough news to be found somewhere other than on this forum.   The only things google showed was Trump saying that Pelosi would do it to replace Biden with Harris.     
    • Susan R
      Hello @Noah A. It’s a pleasure to have you here with us. You are among friends here and are here to help you any way we can.   As @DonkeySocks pointed out...we’re all here trying to find ourselves. It’s a forum filled with real people with at least one aim of self-discovery. It’s a process that takes patience and time. You’ve recognized the fact that something needs attention or that an issue does exist...that’s why you’re here. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it never goes away completely. I can tell you first hand that denial, suppression and compartmentalizing your life does not work for long. Knowing the truth about yourself and accepting who you are, whatever that might be, is half the battle. The rest of the pieces eventually fall into place with good help whether it be professional or through resources that you stumble upon in you research.   You’ll here it often on this forum but it’s very true...you owe it to yourself to find a good therapist with a good understanding of gender identity issues. I don’t know how abundant those type of resources are in Spain but there are online services available and in some places right now online is the only method of service available due to covid.   I believe one can traverse these gender issues without a therapist but the more resources and support you have at your disposal, the better, imho. I think this to a great place to get started and hope to read more about you and your journey. I trust with a little effort, you’ll eventually get there.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Mia Marie
      Everybody is entitled to vote for who you want but I will not vote for someone, and I don't care what party they are from, and end up living in a socialist country with no rights at all to speak of. And if Biden wins Harris has already said at some point she will envoke the 25th amendment to take over the Presidency from Biden. You don't want her in full charge.
    • Robin.C
      This is something I struggled with for a long time and reading other stories, many have as well. There is a mindset in our beginning which is part of the dysphoria. We don't feel we are the person we believe we are and often any visual image we see hits that button time and time again. The best advice I have been given was that I want to be the best female version of myself that I can be. The same height, skin and body shape (although hormones will and do change some of our appearance) but the female version of me. Transitioning is as much about the emotional and mental changes that occur along with some physical changes. A therapist is a must to help us comes to terms of how we progress towards our goal of being our true self. This is a great place to begin as the advice and real world experiences are and have been invaluable to me. We as people come in all shapes and sizes and nobody is ever 100% happy with how they look, we all get by though. You didn't say if you have a therapist, if you don't you should get one as they can be so much help now and in the future.   Hugs Robin
    • gina-nicole-t
      Welcome @Bobbi Jo
    • Susan R
      Thank God you’re OK, Kylie. Septic is a monster. My father passed from an abdominal infection that went septic. It’s scary stuff. I will be sure to drink more water myself. I drink about 48-64 oz or water a day but also drink a lot of diuretic liquids...mainly coffee and tea. I used to be a strict 96oz. of water per day up until a year ago. I think I need to increase it again. I don’t want to get a UTI after reading your account.   Thanks for sharing this important news. It has brought to light the importance of water every day. It’s so easy to let it slide.   My Best, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      Hi @Lain, nice to meet you. Welcome. Good subject you’ve started.   Jackie stated something above that I agree with all the way. In the earliest stages of confronting gender dysphoria or gender incongruence of any sort, the focus is generally more on the physical aspects of transition. I don’t want to downplay any of that because it is still important for me today...almost as much as it was early in my transition. It has changed as my focus and understanding about what it is to be a woman has changed. Of course as you medically transition, changes will occur with your physical body that help considerably with your gender dysphoria but there will always be improvements you may desire.  Jackie mentioned several that she might like changed. I have a similar list..lol. Some aspects will improve while others may not. That part of transition is always a crapshoot. Your new look can help you eventually become more comfortable with yourself. Your perspectives during transition will change greatly over time. With proper professional assistance, it can even change faster in many cases. But eventually your issues with your physical self will decrease as you start to see your life through a different lens. If you ask anyone who has started transitioning, many, perhaps most will tell you they the changes were internal as well as external. Of those that have seen changes, I bet most would say that their self acceptance with their physical body has improved. There may even be a time in your future when these issues you now perceive to be a liability become irrelevant to your happiness or in rare cases, an asset.   My Best, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      @sparky Try to stay positive. That is a great initial reaction from your wife. Very few if any spouse is going to react much better than that after hearing this kind of news. It’s life altering in many cases. I would look at it as a very good first step toward becoming even closer to her than you are now.   My wife and I have a MUCH better relationship now than ever (and it was good prior to transition..her words) and I have to say it’s because now we can talk about anything under the sun without worry of judgement. I’ve learned more about my wife and vice versa in the last 2 years of our marriage than I did the first twenty. Think of it more as an opportunity for renewal with the whole person and not what you want her and the rest of the world to think so that you conform to their expectations. As @ElizabethStar mentioned...be honest with her and make sure the line of communication is always open between you two. That can be difficult when a spouse feels they have lost something important. Reassure her that they haven’t lost the important part of their relationship—the intellectual, compassionate and loving part of yourself.   My Best, Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      Actually, I am happy to report that the text +/- works perfectly on both 2017 & 2019 iPads running iOS 14.1. The buttons only affect the text size within the post on each thread and has no effect on the text size on right side panel showing the previews of those posts. I’m not sure if it works that way on a desktop or not but that’s something I’ll likely check dow the road unless someone else uses a desktop for this forum and wants to comment. I rarely if ever use TP forums on a desktop.   It’s a very nice added feature, Petra Jane. I’m at that age where I use reading glasses after about an hour on my iPad. This may curtail that another half hour..lol.😁    Thank you! Susan R🌷
    • ElizabethStar
      It can be hard but your being honest with yourself and your wife. If she's being supportive that's a good start, keep talking with her. Don't be like me. I went the other way and hid almost everything until I couldn't. I almost lost my best friend and destroyed my marriage.
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