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so alone dealing with husband came out as trans


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Cristina

It has taken me very very long time finally get the courage to come onto this website asking for help. I watched Jackie Rabbit on Youtube to understand what is like to be a trans. Thanks to her!

 

I am a British-Chinese(48) who has been married to my italian husband(50) for 6 years. Last year when my husband told me that he wanted to be a woman I first was so shocked and couldn't work it out what it actually meant. In our relationship i am more of male role(being assertive/decisive),and him being the gentle following female type. We used to joke about things like: I am a man with tits and he is a woman with penis. Little I knew that had underline meaning about who he/she really is inside. 

We were in Italy home when he came out and he managed to see a therapist for few sessions and got the recommendation letter for starting HRT. He was on the mission to get all the necessary help to become a woman,yet I was completely left behind without any professional help or any understanding about the whole thing. I was devastated and felt so abandoned/angry. By the end of last year, I came back to China and later he joined me for Chinese new year. 

 

From the stories i read on this site,for those who survived their marriages is because of love for each other. For my case, I don't think he/she knows what love is about as he/she suppressed most of real feelings since 5 year old. We do communicate. At the beginning he/she said he/she didn't want to lose me and asking me to be patient. But just last month, he/she told me that since now she is a female,so it is wrong to be with a woman as life partner because she is not a lesbian. I was so shocked to hear that and thinking that you didnt know that would be the case when you started transition? Why asking me to stay put and be patient at the beginning of your transition? Am I dealing with a 5 year old who is only starting to learn her own feelings and the idea about the whole world? He/she seems to be only able to live for the moments to know his/her emotions, not a clue to foresee any events might become and the impact on people around him/her due to his/her actions now. Does it mean I lost my husband completely and meeting a new person? 

 

For the first half of this year, i was very against his transition,thought it was a mental disease. But after searching some information online and youtube, I slowly turned around and wanted to support him/her as i see the struggles in his eyes. But my devastation got deeper after hearing him/her saying our marriage is over really broke my heart into pieces. I literately felt like a piece of meat on the chopping board waiting to be sliced whenever he/she feels fit.

 

The reason I come on here asking for help is that I can't talk to my family about it and there is no therapist around me dealing with transgender issues. I feel completely deserted whilst he/she has her cousins/brother to talk to and to support her even though his/her parents disowned him,refused to talk/see him.  

 

I don't know whether my writing is making enough sense for you all to understand my situation as I am in a very depressed/self doubt/confused mode. Much appreciated if any suggestions. THANK YOU!

 

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VickySGV

Your writing makes a whole lot of sense here on the Forums.  We have heard this story many times over the years, other than the countries involved it is the same as many.  It is difficult for a non-Trans person to understand the feelings of a Trans partner or significant other and we will try to help you or just be here for you.  Look around, join in and ask questions, we are friendly and caring for our whole worldwide community.

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I could certainly understand precisely what you were saying as I read your words, they seem oddly familiar yet clearly they are your story and the perspective you must face at this point with your partner being in transition, definitely not an easy thing when your partner comes to you to let you know that they are trans. Sadly there just is not very much support for partners of people in transition such as yourself, I remember coming out to my spouse in the late half of February 2018, hoping the two of us could find a pathway together, however along the way I realized there was absolutely no support or help for the partners of people in transition and quite a lot of support for myself, and it certainly felt very one sided to the point that it made me feel guilty. It certainly sounds that there could be a lack of communication between you and your spouse and if you truly wish to stay together then I very strongly urge you to communicate as honestly and openly as you can as often as seems appropriate so both of you can somehow find a way to grow together through the process of your partners transition. Through the observation of my own relationships and others I have seen that Partners who spend time together and go through  the process of transition together often stay together, their relationships are different in the end but in some ways better, depending upon the viewpoint and which one of the partners you discuss that topic with, I do see that most partners become closer, better friends, and more supportive of one another when they stay together and find a new love of one another after having gone through the process of transition together. Going through the process of transition with your partner would be the key for the two of you to stay together, large segments of time spent apart And a lack of communication between the two of you would definitely be detrimental, seeking therapy together as well as independently is also very important, I urge you to get a therapist for yourself as this is going to be a very difficult process for you just as any trans women would also seek therapy for herself as she goes through the process of transition, and if a future for the two of you is to be best served having a therapist that both of you see together for couples therapy is also a very good idea, I know that all has a lot of cost associated with it but if you can do it I recommend it highly, therapy certainly is one of the best resources I can recommend for someone who seeks to remain together with her spouse even after transition. I also understand how you might see your spouse as being rather self involved right now, sometimes through the process of transition trans women do self focus quite tightly on all of the things that need to be accomplished in order to feel that we have successfully transitioned, it is an entirely self immersive process, and we often become very wrapped up in every little detail along the way, thankfully though I’ve noticed in myself that this did not last forever, although in the beginning and through the first several surgeries I was very self focused by necessity as so much was happening in such a short period of time I wanted to make sure I was doing everything possible to give myself space to successfully and properly transition, but I did learn along the way that others are important as well and my focus ditch shift from myself being the only primary goal as my perspective widened. Towards the latter half of my transition and currently I feel that I’m a much different person than when I started as I’m also a different person than I was in the middle of transition, I am definitely a much better friend, I listen better, I have better manners, and I’m interested in helping others in a way that I really was not interested in earlier in my life, people have become very important to me, my friends have become very important to me, I have a wonderful best friend and I am certainly enjoying life more even though there is much to do, going back to school starting a new career takes a lot of time and energy but I am enjoying it so much at this second half of my life that I’m feeling young again.
I would urge you to communicate as much as you can with your spouse, you are clearly trying to understand the process and understand your spouse by searching online and trying to absorb everything in your world and in her world, and that is a very good place to start. There’s going to be lots of emotions that both of you will go through during this process, and having support outside of one another is going to be important, having your own therapist will matter more to you during these next few years then at any other point when you could confide in your partner and get the support directly from that important person in your life, I know I’m repeating myself but I think it’s very important to have a therapist along the pathway whether you are the spouse in transition or the spouse of a transitioning partner. The only other advice I can offer is to keep an open mind, don’t worry about labels, it does not matter if people see you as a lesbian or not, and truly that won’t be the case in most places, I hang out with my best friend all the time and nobody sees us as lesbians, they just see two girls out enjoying life just like everybody else so labels have not been much of an issue for me when I hang out with my friends or I’m just with my best friend, the person you love doesn’t have to focus on the outside, we typically love the person from the inside out, There may be changes physically in the future but nothing that an open mind and willingness to love your partner could not find a pathway toward a new future.  I truly wish you the best in this endeavor, your heart is in the right place, and the girls here know quite a bit about this topic as I have asked them these questions myself from the other side of the fence many times in the past. I noticed after reading your comments that you actually found this forum because of my videos, I’m glad you got here, this is the best resource I know  for people who need to understand more about transition, and I am always a willing listener if you need me, I may not always have the right answers but know that I am always listening and will do my best to let you know that I understand how you feel and I’m hoping things work out, when I have something positive to offer I will be there to give that piece of information to you whenever I can.

i’m wishing you the best,

Jackie 🐇 

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Thank you Jackie for your long thoughtful advice, by reading it i am all in tears knowing that for the first time someone actually understood how i am struggling thru, that I am not alone.  Even this morning soon i got out of bed i searched you from youtube trying to find some understandings/answers/advices from all your posts as if you are talking to me directly. 

 

I know all the theory about therapy, communications etc. It is the timing which is kind of tricky. Kind of hard to strike a balance. I think this period my partner is very self focused on getting her needs met. She felt she had wasted most of her life not to face herself and take actions earlier. She is backing away because she finds our conversations very easily into deep talk with all the emotions involved.  Basically I want to be heard and have many questions trying to understand her mental process as I am the type of person who analyze situation to have logic sense but she is more of sensing/feeling that moment person. So every time when i ask how or why then she finds tiring to answer.  I guess this is where the therapy comes in,so we wouldn't have all sorts of energy directing towards each other. But since lately she kind of worked out that it is wrong to be with a woman as she is not lesbian and told me bluntly that the marriage is over. For this I guess there is no point for any therapist involved. I am kind of angry because it is all about her wants/needs. She used to say that i am too stuck on the labels, but now I am training myself to be fluid yet she is into the labels. How ironic is that! It seems that doesn't matter how much i am adjusting/adapting I am defeated. Well, at least we agree on no nasty words, respect for each other is a must. 

Like you said in your videos that there are not really much resources/help for the spouse of trans people. I am so grateful for this website,but i am very new and still trying to make connections with people who are similar with my situation to have some support. 

I am still grieving the person I married to, but I am happy for my partner to finally on the journey to be the authentic self. whatever the future brings I will have to learn to accept it. 

Thank you again Jackie for your time

Cristina

5 hours ago, jae bear said:

I could certainly understand precisely what you were saying as I read your words, they seem oddly familiar yet clearly they are your story and the perspective you must face at this point with your partner being in transition, definitely not an easy thing when your partner comes to you to let you know that they are trans. Sadly there just is not very much support for partners of people in transition such as yourself, I remember coming out to my spouse in the late half of February 2018, hoping the two of us could find a pathway together, however along the way I realized there was absolutely no support or help for the partners of people in transition and quite a lot of support for myself, and it certainly felt very one sided to the point that it made me feel guilty. It certainly sounds that there could be a lack of communication between you and your spouse and if you truly wish to stay together then I very strongly urge you to communicate as honestly and openly as you can as often as seems appropriate so both of you can somehow find a way to grow together through the process of your partners transition. Through the observation of my own relationships and others I have seen that Partners who spend time together and go through  the process of transition together often stay together, their relationships are different in the end but in some ways better, depending upon the viewpoint and which one of the partners you discuss that topic with, I do see that most partners become closer, better friends, and more supportive of one another when they stay together and find a new love of one another after having gone through the process of transition together. Going through the process of transition with your partner would be the key for the two of you to stay together, large segments of time spent apart And a lack of communication between the two of you would definitely be detrimental, seeking therapy together as well as independently is also very important, I urge you to get a therapist for yourself as this is going to be a very difficult process for you just as any trans women would also seek therapy for herself as she goes through the process of transition, and if a future for the two of you is to be best served having a therapist that both of you see together for couples therapy is also a very good idea, I know that all has a lot of cost associated with it but if you can do it I recommend it highly, therapy certainly is one of the best resources I can recommend for someone who seeks to remain together with her spouse even after transition. I also understand how you might see your spouse as being rather self involved right now, sometimes through the process of transition trans women do self focus quite tightly on all of the things that need to be accomplished in order to feel that we have successfully transitioned, it is an entirely self immersive process, and we often become very wrapped up in every little detail along the way, thankfully though I’ve noticed in myself that this did not last forever, although in the beginning and through the first several surgeries I was very self focused by necessity as so much was happening in such a short period of time I wanted to make sure I was doing everything possible to give myself space to successfully and properly transition, but I did learn along the way that others are important as well and my focus ditch shift from myself being the only primary goal as my perspective widened. Towards the latter half of my transition and currently I feel that I’m a much different person than when I started as I’m also a different person than I was in the middle of transition, I am definitely a much better friend, I listen better, I have better manners, and I’m interested in helping others in a way that I really was not interested in earlier in my life, people have become very important to me, my friends have become very important to me, I have a wonderful best friend and I am certainly enjoying life more even though there is much to do, going back to school starting a new career takes a lot of time and energy but I am enjoying it so much at this second half of my life that I’m feeling young again.
I would urge you to communicate as much as you can with your spouse, you are clearly trying to understand the process and understand your spouse by searching online and trying to absorb everything in your world and in her world, and that is a very good place to start. There’s going to be lots of emotions that both of you will go through during this process, and having support outside of one another is going to be important, having your own therapist will matter more to you during these next few years then at any other point when you could confide in your partner and get the support directly from that important person in your life, I know I’m repeating myself but I think it’s very important to have a therapist along the pathway whether you are the spouse in transition or the spouse of a transitioning partner. The only other advice I can offer is to keep an open mind, don’t worry about labels, it does not matter if people see you as a lesbian or not, and truly that won’t be the case in most places, I hang out with my best friend all the time and nobody sees us as lesbians, they just see two girls out enjoying life just like everybody else so labels have not been much of an issue for me when I hang out with my friends or I’m just with my best friend, the person you love doesn’t have to focus on the outside, we typically love the person from the inside out, There may be changes physically in the future but nothing that an open mind and willingness to love your partner could not find a pathway toward a new future.  I truly wish you the best in this endeavor, your heart is in the right place, and the girls here know quite a bit about this topic as I have asked them these questions myself from the other side of the fence many times in the past. I noticed after reading your comments that you actually found this forum because of my videos, I’m glad you got here, this is the best resource I know  for people who need to understand more about transition, and I am always a willing listener if you need me, I may not always have the right answers but know that I am always listening and will do my best to let you know that I understand how you feel and I’m hoping things work out, when I have something positive to offer I will be there to give that piece of information to you whenever I can.

i’m wishing you the best,

Jackie 🐇 

 

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On 10/9/2020 at 10:39 AM, VickySGV said:

Your writing makes a whole lot of sense here on the Forums.  We have heard this story many times over the years, other than the countries involved it is the same as many.  It is difficult for a non-Trans person to understand the feelings of a Trans partner or significant other and we will try to help you or just be here for you.  Look around, join in and ask questions, we are friendly and caring for our whole worldwide community.

Such a warm welcome from you Vicky. Thank you. 

I do have a question to ask: How big the changes in terms of emotional expression over the course of transition for trans people? I am a person who is very inline with my emotions/actions. Thinking must be such a horrible feeling not be able to be yourself. After my partner started taking the hormone pills, she became much more tearful and she told me that she felt more in love with me and was afraid of losing me. But now more than half year down the line, she felt wrong to have a female as life partner because she is not a lesbian. From your experience, is the journey going to be like a rollercoaster until they finally have the hormones settle in the body to know exactly who they are?

Cristina

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Sally Stone

Cristina,

 

Most of us here are not therapists, but reaching to us and communicating is always good therapy.  It is possible that once your spouse realizes her needs are being fulfilled, she will also realize you are still there for her.  A lot of times when we are in the process of coming out and finding ourselves, we forget to include those around us.  So, for now, please know that you have plenty of shoulders here to lean on.

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I hesitate to give advice here Christina.  I am fortunate to have stayed with my partner and been accepted by here.  With luck we will celebrate 50 years of marriage in June.  That being said i remember telling men that i was a lesbian when cornered and needing an out.  I cannot ever remember being attracted to a man.  I had a man kiss me once and while i admit it was a lovely kiss i had no desire for a second.  If your husband is attracted to men then that is something quite different from the gender issue.  Who we are attracted to is as you know not controlled by gender.  Perhaps my wife and i were fortunate that i transitioned late in life where the sexual aspect was not difficult to leave behind.  She had trouble at first having others perceive her as a lesbian but that has faded away.  When folks ask me about my relationship i simply say:  "She is my oldest, dearest friend".  I guess that since we are in our 70's that is about all anyone could hope for.  

Hopefully time will help both you and your spouse find a path to peace with your relationship.  Couples therapy might help if both of you want to really work at honesty and openness.  That is unfortunately hard for too many of us especially with societal pressures.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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 I must say Christina that I think you are giving this the opportunity and space in your mind that would allow for the possibility of a future with your transitioning spouse, but as you were noticing it needs to be a two-way street for that to work. I’ve noticed with myself that I went through a few phases during transition, in the beginning I had a lot of self-doubt and didn’t quite know what was going to happen and I was clinging to my spouse as tightly as possible, and as you had mentioned in another post, I was far more emotional and tearful and felt a stronger love connection to my spouse than I ever have before. Through the middle of transition when I was going through some of the most difficult components with living full-time as a woman and going through surgeries I definitely inwardly focused on all the needs that I had And was not considering others nearly as much as I had before or after that time in my life, is it possible that your spouse is currently living through a hyper inner focused component of her life right now? This could change with time, and of course clinging to or rejecting labels comes and goes with experience and wisdom, I was so focused on labels early, as a devout “lesbian“, that I was not keeping an open mind about my reality. Having some perspective and distance from that time of my life I realize now I am quite fluid, the labels do not fit me, nor do I care much about what those labels might say about me, nor am I just a garden-variety “lesbian“ at all, so with time those  current connections with labels might ease up for your spouse. Hopefully the two of you can grow together, become best friends or at least incredibly good friends that support one another but right now keeping the communication open and honest might be the only option, I can see that you’re committed to doing your utmost and I do believe that will serve you well in the coming months and years. I hesitate to tell you “don’t give up“ as that is really a personal decision that you must make, but if you decide not to give up and press on with your spouse giving her all your time and attention, understanding her needs and supporting her, being there for her and giving her space when she needs it, the end result might be that the two of you to stay together, but of course with any relationship there is risk at putting oneself in such a vulnerable position and you must determine what it is you want for yourself and your future. Sometimes we feel we must sacrifice ourselves on the altar of love for our spouse, I am definitely that sort of person and I know a kindred spirit when I hear one, there is nothing wrong with giving it everything you’ve got, your spouse may ebb and flow through different perceptions of self, perceptions of label, and perceptions of emotional states of being throughout this process so if you were willing to ride the roller coaster and strap in tight you might find that the final Destiination very different than your original plan, and it could be a place  of intense emotional connection with somebody you love dearly, whatever choice you make acting in love is always the right idea.

Jackie 🐇 

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6 hours ago, Cristina said:

I do have a question to ask: How big the changes in terms of emotional expression over the course of transition for trans people?

 

This comes from two directions at the same time.  One direction is that in MTF people the demands on the person were to have a small range of emotions based on their Assigned gender and thus they had no role models for a wide range of them. "You are a male" they were told, "look to men for your allowable ranges and types of emotion".  Female designated emotions and ranges of them were discouraged or even punished when shown in public and family.  The second direction was the hormonal one, but from a surprise angle even there, in that taking the hormones was an act of defiance and liberation from the old societal imposed limits on emotion.  I know of one study that did show that many, but not all MtF people have a genetic diversity that affects how Testosterone works in some ways including emotional perception. 

 

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2 hours ago, VickySGV said:

I know of one study that did show that many, but not all MtF people have a genetic diversity that affects how Testosterone works in some ways including emotional perception. 

How so?

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4 hours ago, Jandi said:

How so?

 

A Testosterone receptor gene is duplicated, and the double length to that segment makes T less effective in some ways they are still working on to completely define.  (I was part of the study BTW!)

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On 10/10/2020 at 6:36 PM, Sally Stone said:

Cristina,

 

Most of us here are not therapists, but reaching to us and communicating is always good therapy.  It is possible that once your spouse realizes her needs are being fulfilled, she will also realize you are still there for her.  A lot of times when we are in the process of coming out and finding ourselves, we forget to include those around us.  So, for now, please know that you have plenty of shoulders here to lean on.

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I certainly do feel much better knowing that I am really not alone after all. Like Jackie said in her videos that people here are very knowledgeable. I need to re-educate myself thru you all.  

Yes, for spouse it is hard to know when it is the right time to leave them alone processing their own emotions/confusion etc, yet still be heard about our own emotions. We all need some wisdom. My partner is going thru ups and downs emotionally, sometimes patience is the only key I guess,and not letting the fear of unknown destroys us. 

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Hi Christina.  I am so sorry to hear your story and the difficulty it is creating in your relationship.

I am kind of in the opposite situation.  Coming Out to my wife, but wanting to stay married to her.  She is having difficulty accepting and/or seeing a future for us together.  But, we are trying to work through it,
AND  It does come down to what you said and understand from others' experiences.
 

On 10/9/2020 at 11:00 AM, Cristina said:

for those who survived their marriages is because of love for each other.

 

That is really the starting point, and probably the one question you each will need to answer at some point.  Do you still Love each other and want to stay together?  Without that ... its not really a marriage (and that's true in any marriage, regardless of gender/sexual identity issues).

I agree with others, that therapy for both of you (individually and as a couple) is vital to give it a chance, but the desire for both of you to stay together has to be there, or at least be within reach. 

 

Wishing all the best for you both, Christina❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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22 hours ago, jae bear said:

 I must say Christina that I think you are giving this the opportunity and space in your mind that would allow for the possibility of a future with your transitioning spouse, but as you were noticing it needs to be a two-way street for that to work. I’ve noticed with myself that I went through a few phases during transition, in the beginning I had a lot of self-doubt and didn’t quite know what was going to happen and I was clinging to my spouse as tightly as possible, and as you had mentioned in another post, I was far more emotional and tearful and felt a stronger love connection to my spouse than I ever have before. Through the middle of transition when I was going through some of the most difficult components with living full-time as a woman and going through surgeries I definitely inwardly focused on all the needs that I had And was not considering others nearly as much as I had before or after that time in my life, is it possible that your spouse is currently living through a hyper inner focused component of her life right now? This could change with time, and of course clinging to or rejecting labels comes and goes with experience and wisdom, I was so focused on labels early, as a devout “lesbian“, that I was not keeping an open mind about my reality. Having some perspective and distance from that time of my life I realize now I am quite fluid, the labels do not fit me, nor do I care much about what those labels might say about me, nor am I just a garden-variety “lesbian“ at all, so with time those  current connections with labels might ease up for your spouse. Hopefully the two of you can grow together, become best friends or at least incredibly good friends that support one another but right now keeping the communication open and honest might be the only option, I can see that you’re committed to doing your utmost and I do believe that will serve you well in the coming months and years. I hesitate to tell you “don’t give up“ as that is really a personal decision that you must make, but if you decide not to give up and press on with your spouse giving her all your time and attention, understanding her needs and supporting her, being there for her and giving her space when she needs it, the end result might be that the two of you to stay together, but of course with any relationship there is risk at putting oneself in such a vulnerable position and you must determine what it is you want for yourself and your future. Sometimes we feel we must sacrifice ourselves on the altar of love for our spouse, I am definitely that sort of person and I know a kindred spirit when I hear one, there is nothing wrong with giving it everything you’ve got, your spouse may ebb and flow through different perceptions of self, perceptions of label, and perceptions of emotional states of being throughout this process so if you were willing to ride the roller coaster and strap in tight you might find that the final Destiination very different than your original plan, and it could be a place  of intense emotional connection with somebody you love dearly, whatever choice you make acting in love is always the right idea.

Jackie 🐇 

I am so grateful for your latest video talking about the support for spouses today. I am sure there are many spouses who will really appreciate your advice and let them know that they need as much help as their trans partners on this journey.

Think about it, if there are more sources/helps/guidance for the spouses to understand what to expect/prepare,then wouldn't it be less nasty/negative cases happening i wonder? Many spouses fear for the unknown outcome to give up early to feel in control more?

Thank you again for your effort and understanding about the struggles many spouses are having. I was all in tears watching your video because i know you care for people with such a huge heart. 

For me, I know that if my partner finds peace in herself, whatever the outcome i will accept because I don't want anyone not to be able to be true to themselves. 

 

big hug

 

Christina

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Hi Christina.  I am so sorry to hear your story and the difficulty it is creating in your relationship.

I am kind of in the opposite situation.  Coming Out to my wife, but wanting to stay married to her.  She is having difficulty accepting and/or seeing a future for us together.  But, we are trying to work through it,
AND  It does come down to what you said and understand from others' experiences.
 

 

That is really the starting point, and probably the one question you each will need to answer at some point.  Do you still Love each other and want to stay together?  Without that ... its not really a marriage (and that's true in any marriage, regardless of gender/sexual identity issues).

I agree with others, that therapy for both of you (individually and as a couple) is vital to give it a chance, but the desire for both of you to stay together has to be there, or at least be within reach. 

 

Wishing all the best for you both, Christina❣️

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

Hi Kay. Thank you for your message. I didnt expect to have so many people giving me support/advices. It certainly warmed my heart.

My partner came back to me to apologize for what she said before. I understand that this period will be a lot of emotional ups and downs,then slowly finding a comfortable balance. It did hurt my heart when she said what she said but i know it because she shut down all her emotions before,(also she has a very dominating mom to suppress her feelings in her childhood), now she would tip the other side to be harsh to be heard). 

It is certainly not an easy journey, If she wants to find a man then I would only bless her for her happiness. What else can I do.

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22 hours ago, Jandi said:

 

Thank you Vicky. To me, I don't feel anything if men cry as i see we are all people needing to vent out. I always feel sorry for men because they are not supposed to express theirs feelings, let alone crying, such a weak sign. But i think by crying actually  let out some negative energy to be able to move forward. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Cristina said:

If she wants to find a man then I would only bless her for her happiness. What else can I do.

My ex and I had split shortly before I came out (even to myself) but remain friends.  One time I told her "I guess neither of us is looking for a wife right now."

To be honest, I still miss her in a lot of ways.  We were married over 40 years.

She is with a guy now, and seems happy.  We're still friends but don't see each other much.  Apparently he's afraid we might get back together. LOL.  That will not happen.

For my part, I am lonely, and would like to be in a relationship.  But at my age I'm sure that won't happen.  

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BrandiBri
On 10/11/2020 at 7:49 AM, Jandi said:

For my part, I am lonely, and would like to be in a relationship.  But at my age I'm sure that won't happen

Jandi, I don't know how old you are, but I am 72 and finding myself in the beginnings of a relationship as we speak. you are never too old to be in a relationship, even if it is just for companionship. Don't give up on finding love, because love doesn't go away with age.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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@Cristina Hello Cristina - I'm late to this thread but I am happy you sought out this forum. I am 68 and started transition. My wife is 60 and we've been married for nearly 28 years and I love her dearly and never want to hurt her nor lose her. She is so important to me and I am doing everything I can to allow her to accept and come with me as this is as much a journey for her as me. I have found such an amazing resource in Jackie's YouTube videos, Dr. Z Phd YouTube (she is clinical psychologist and has many videos about spouses). I have been so rewarded for coming to Transpulse in that several ladies her are in my age range (although most are younger) but they have been through it and their marriages susvived and I ask for their advice and they are more than willing to share their experiences and it - along with a very open and good therapist has been helping tremendously.

I am so happy to hear you keep an open mind and know that none of us asked to be born this way and that it is not our fault having to deal with the medical condition. My wife has a son with Aspberger's Syndrone and she knows he did not ask for that condition and I told her anyone would says they are glad the had to deal with gender identity I personally believe is not telling the truth - it is what it is and once dealt with - the person with it will become a much happier person who can truly share themselves fully.

Best Wishes,

Shay 

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1 hour ago, BrandiBri said:

Jandi, I don't know how old you are, but I am 72 and finding myself in the beginnings of a relationship as we speak

Well, I'm only 70.

Only 70 sounds funny.

But I suppose it's not completely out of the question.  

This is a somewhat conservative part of the state though.  I don't really want to leave, and couldn't afford it either.  I don't even know how to meet any trans-friendly people around here, and I am essentially full-time.  This is one reason I am on TransPulse.  Fortunately, I do have support from some family, but they are of course family.  The corona stuff doesn't help either.

Guess I'm just depressed as hell.  But I shouldn't just write off the possibility.

Thanks Brandi for some encouragement.

 

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On 10/12/2020 at 10:30 PM, Shay said:

@Cristina Hello Cristina - I'm late to this thread but I am happy you sought out this forum. I am 68 and started transition. My wife is 60 and we've been married for nearly 28 years and I love her dearly and never want to hurt her nor lose her. She is so important to me and I am doing everything I can to allow her to accept and come with me as this is as much a journey for her as me. I have found such an amazing resource in Jackie's YouTube videos, Dr. Z Phd YouTube (she is clinical psychologist and has many videos about spouses). I have been so rewarded for coming to Transpulse in that several ladies her are in my age range (although most are younger) but they have been through it and their marriages susvived and I ask for their advice and they are more than willing to share their experiences and it - along with a very open and good therapist has been helping tremendously.

I am so happy to hear you keep an open mind and know that none of us asked to be born this way and that it is not our fault having to deal with the medical condition. My wife has a son with Aspberger's Syndrone and she knows he did not ask for that condition and I told her anyone would says they are glad the had to deal with gender identity I personally believe is not telling the truth - it is what it is and once dealt with - the person with it will become a much happier person who can truly share themselves fully.

Best Wishes,

Shay 

Thank you Shay for your encouragement.  this is a journey for everyone who is involved but much so for the spouse as I am still grieving for that person I knew before, so much memories together. I understand the importance of therapy but with this pandemic, everything is interrupted.  I think my partner at this stage is stuck with the label: She doesn't accept the term 'Wife" thinking it is the wrong but yet she still wants our relationship. I assume that if she still has a wife that would  remind her the past life of being a man. But for me, once we go thru the divorce, that would be the closure for this relationship. 

Can I ask you for your thoughts on this? 

Also thank you for Dr Z PHD on youtube,I certainly will check it out.

 

Cristina

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Hello All - I too am late to this thread.  This is just my "two cents" and i don't mean to offend anyone.  For me when i am renee m i have a female emotional and sexual component. This sexual component made renee m depressed and made me attempt suicide.   renee m is bi sexual.  She is attracted to heterosexual men.  renee m is not attracted to gay men.  Your husband might be suffering from this too.  Can someone tell me where on the  TransPulse forums this is discussed?  Is this an issue the gender therapist covers?

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@Cristina - I believe you will find a lot of good information checking out Dr. Z Phd Gender Therapist YouTube - also Jackie Rabbit ( @jae bear ) who is a wonderful member of TP makes wonderfully thoughtful and insightful videos about spouses and she just started a series of support for spouses and I hope that takes off as having our spouses involved if we wish to continue in our marriages is a difficult road to travel - as they must travel their own 5 stages of grieving and have to determine whether or not they can do it. My wife of 28 years is kind of on the fense so I'm taking it slow and step by step and learning from the ladies here who have had they marriages survive transition - two of the ladies are in their 60's and have had marriages of 35 and 45 years and managed to keep their marriages and I think strengthen their bonds. Dr. Z indicates the longer the marriage the more the possibility of survival - as you say there are a lot of memories and those were with a man - that doesn't mean those go away - however adjusting and having to deal with their friends and family and society is not something they signed up for - but as you know we didn't either and it isn't something we asked for but have to go through to finally be at peace with who we are.

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