Breast dysphoria and top surgery (non binary)

[Orvo]

Recently I had noticed that I am much more anxious about my body. Particularly the fact that i have breasts. I have always been in relatively good relationships with my body, even though and even after coming out to myself and starting to see myself as non binary. However, in the last few months I have noticed an issue, which may be resolved by a top surgery, but I want to discuss it first. Maybe somebody else has/had it too and learning about their experience might help me deal with it. 

 

The issue is that I feel like my breasts either had gotten bigger or they are still growing. It may be simply my anxiety and dissosiation preventing me from seeing my body correctly, but I can not actually tell if it is true. I think even if something changed, it did not change enough to be visible. But I feel like it did and all of a sudden I am constantly checking if it is visible that I have breasts, even through clothes and all. They had always been small and I know that they may grow a little even after puberty, but I do not want that. I am not able to get a top surgery and I won't get a chance in the next few years, most likely. But I want to see if anyone else knows this feeling and had gone through the same experience. Please notice that i am not asking for an advice, i just want to read about similar experiences and how people deal with them. I have terrible choice and opinion issues, so i kindly ask you not to use words "i suggest" or "i think X would help". This may make things worse and give me serious anxiety. Share what you did and it'll be enough, i need to talk, not to be directed right now.

 

Another thing that makes it more complex is that I do like them as a part of myself. I also can not get a binder safely, and even if I could, I would not be able to wear it due to some mental health issues and physical triggers.

 

This is an obscure experience and I do not have anyone to talk about it to irl. So I am reaching out to other non binary people here. This is my first topic, hope i did ok.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums @Orvo your post is fine and in our full discussion bounds.  I agree that personal experience is probably the best as opposed to advice in all cases.  In your case it is even more sensitive since you live where you do.  Your feelings are real, but we are our own worst enemies on judging what our bodies look like.  My feelings about breasts went the other way than yours since I am Male to Female and in my case I did not see development when it was taking place.  Fears make you eyes very unreliable over things of this type.  Early in my Transition though, I was afraid of people seeing breast development before I was ready to come out fully.  In those days, shirts and sweat shirts in two sizes larger than I normally wore helped immensely in making my mind think that no one would see the changes.  The truth was that when I came out and told people, they honestly had not seen changes in my breasts, only sloppy changes in my clothing.  I am still small after 10 years on hormones, but my mind is happy with what is there.

 

[Orvo]

19 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Welcome to the Forums @Orvo your post is fine and in our full discussion bounds.  I agree that personal experience is probably the best as opposed to advice in all cases.  In your case it is even more sensitive since you live where you do.  Your feelings are real, but we are our own worst enemies on judging what our bodies look like.  My feelings about breasts went the other way than yours since I am Male to Female and in my case I did not see development when it was taking place.  Fears make you eyes very unreliable over things of this type.  Early in my Transition though, I was afraid of people seeing breast development before I was ready to come out fully.  In those days, shirts and sweat shirts in two sizes larger than I normally wore helped immensely in making my mind think that no one would see the changes.  The truth was that when I came out and told people, they honestly had not seen changes in my breasts, only sloppy changes in my clothing.  I am still small after 10 years on hormones, but my mind is happy with what is there.

 

Thank you for your response, i appreciate it. And I appreciate that you understand the connection between my current location and my state of mind, it really means a lot. 

I guess I am an unjust judge for myself, it feels a bit better to know that I am not alone.