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I'm curious of asking you how you feel about something I often think about


MaryMary

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If I explain my life quickly when it comes to transgender issues it's basicaly me trying everything I can to avoid it and hide from it until I realized I had no choice to assume.

Is it something you are also saying to yourself sometimes? Sometime people say that I'm courageous to do a transition but I often feel like if I truly had a choice I would not I've done it. If doctors would have had a pill that I can take and no longer have to deal with dysphoria I would take it. I think it's internalized transphobia. The main driver behind my transition is to get rid of dysphoria and that's it. The rest, being able to be myself and the emancipation is a side effect of it and not something I was seeking.

 

I know it's not politicaly correct to say it like that but I wonder if I'm alone? Do you feel like that sometimes?

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I'm not sure. Does the dysphoria pill make the mental static go away? I mean I think that I might have tried it (or had it forced on me) if there was a pill that made the dysphoria stop, but I don't know. I've had so many positive life changes since coming out, I'm not sure if I'd take it now. When I was twelve? Probably. Now... I can't really say.

 

Hugs!

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@MaryMary I have to say that for me it quite often feels like I am swimming against the current. Everything is screaming that life would be simpler if I just get to the shore and stop swimming, keep showing the world my male side - I've done it for 40 yrs how hard can it be to go for another 40? yet now I'm in the water I just seem to constantly keep getting pulled further and further downstream and I am already in a very different place to where I started. Once that draw starts to ease up I am hoping to find more space in my life for everything else, but until then I'll just keep trying to keep my head above the water.

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The way I look at it, I didn't have a choice about being transgender.  I was born that way, and that's it.  But I definitely think I had a choice of what to do about it.  I could have kept it to myself, continued to live with the dysphoria, and kept on pretending to be male until it either killed me or I died a miserable old man.  Or I could go against all the social conditioning, risk rejection by family and friends or violence by strangers, and transition.  I chose the latter because I judged that I would have a better chance of being happy that way.

 

It really does feel like I made a choice, and that choice did take courage.  I understand the perspective of no choice, because, in hindsight, the choice I made seems so obvious that anything else would not have made sense.  But, to me, that simply means that I made the right choice.

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3 hours ago, MaryMary said:

If I explain my life quickly when it comes to transgender issues it's basicaly me trying everything I can to avoid it and hide from it until I realized I had no choice to assume.

When I was living as a cis guy, I don't recall having dysphoria issues.  Or if they were there it was that was more that I was afraid I was too girlie.  However I avoided any gay or (God forbid!) transgender issues like the plague.  If we were watching  flick with gay or (God forbid!) trans characters I would get really uncomfortable.

Eventually circumstances forced me to take a look inside myself.

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I'm not sure. Does the dysphoria pill make the mental static go away? I mean I think that I might have tried it (or had it forced on me) if there was a pill that made the dysphoria stop, but I don't know. I've had so many positive life changes since coming out, I'm not sure if I'd take it now. When I was twelve? Probably. Now... I can't really say.

When I was trying to figure this stuff out, I saw one of the online gender therapists (sorry I don't remember which) ask the two pill question.  

#1 If you could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a woman - having always been one - would you take it?

Me: I'm thinking… well, yeah.

#2 If you could take a pill and wake up tomorrow as a guy and never again think about being a woman - would you take it?

(seems to solve you problem doesn't it)

Me: Umm… umm… I just can't quite swallow this one…

 

Now there are dysphoria issues, but I try to deal with them as best I can.

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I am very much the odd person in this type discussion. I have always been trans, though I didn't realize it not long ago. I had a very traumatic experience as a child that I always thought messed up my thinking. Everything I had heard about being transgender didn't describe me, until I actually met someone who was transgender.

 

Dysphoria has always been in my life, but not to the point of transitioning. The worst was during my teenage years when I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore. I'm old enough there was no Internet or way to figure out what was causing it back then. As I said, I had nightmares and took pills for awhile because of what I experienced and thought that caused it all.

 

Fast forward to now. I have a physical condition brought on by a botched 2018 prostate surgery that it just so happens  only vaginoplasty can fix. I have a wife who is my soulmate and 2 daughters, so I would not want to go back and change anything with a pill or otherwise. I have 2 therapists and a psychologist backing me and am headed for zero depth vaginoplasty sometime next year. Kills 2 birds with one stone. I am both looking forward to it and scared at the same time.

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4 hours ago, Jandi said:

When I was living as a cis guy, I don't recall having dysphoria issues.  Or if they were there it was that was more that I was afraid I was too girlie.  However I avoided any gay or (God forbid!) transgender issues like the plague.  If we were watching  flick with gay or (God forbid!) trans characters I would get really uncomfortable.

Eventually circumstances forced me to take a look inside myself.

yes, we are opposite in a way. Dysphoria was there, very strong, as far as I can remember. I wanted to blend in and to be "normal". But, my instinctive efforts to calm the dysphoria make me stick out a looooot in a small city where transgender was just not a known word. I did everything I could to avoid this issue for very long. What made me transitionned is that I was very depressed, very suicidal and very dysphoric in the end. It's a psychologist that mentionned the possibility of a transition and also the fact a saw a transgender woman in a talk show 2 years prior (Michelle Blanc) that triggered the idea. 

 

I just want to underline the fact that in the end it was the best decision of my life and my grs is still one of the 3 best memories of my life beind my children being born.

 

But sometimes like today where I feel my hormones are out of whack and the trans stuff is harder I just wish I would just be a "normal" woman and that this "curse" would go away. Of course, 99% of the time I'm very happy and proud to be trans. But once in a while this thought I wanted to discuss here come back.

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4 hours ago, Jandi said:

When I was living as a cis guy, I don't recall having dysphoria issues.

Upon reflection, I was probably not accurate  about no issues.  There were a few things in childhood that I can see as gender issues.  And of course when puberty it, I had some wishes that it had gone the other way.  But this was in the 60's in rural NY.  I had never even heard of being "transsexual" so that never occurred to me.  I just trained myself to deal with it and burry any feelings like that.

4 hours ago, Jandi said:

 I would get really uncomfortable

I still wonder how much internalized transphobia was involved in this.  I think this could be an interesting thread.  Perhaps the dysphoria that became noticeable when I came out had really been there all along.

 

MaryMary  Your post came up as I was writing this.

1 hour ago, MaryMary said:

I did everything I could to avoid this issue for very long. What made me transitionned is that I was very depressed, very suicidal…

Yeah.  I was dealing with a whole lot of crap when I finally got up the nerve to look into gender as a real issue.  That's when a lot of stuff began to make sense.

I guess what I wonder is how much internalized transphobia keeps us from self acceptance.

 

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3 hours ago, Jandi said:

I guess what I wonder is how much internalized transphobia keeps us from self acceptance.

 

I have a lot that I'm always fighting, especially to not inflict my internalized transphobia to others.

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@MaryMary: For me, personally, I feel like my experiences seem, on the surface, to be the opposite of yours. For the longest time, I didn't really notice feeling any "dysphoria" (or even understand the word) at being who I always assumed I was. And yet, I was definitely aware that if there was any way I could wake up in the morning magically transformed into a cis female body, I wouldn't have the slightest shred of hesitation.

 

But as opposite as that sounds, my (unsubstantiated?) gut reaction is that it may just be two sides of the same coin, the same underlying cause manifesting itself in different perceived ways, and only serves to illustrate how varied and personalized "the trans experience" can be.

 

Not that I'm an expert, but that's my two cents, fwiw.

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That's interesting @Heather Nicole. Before I came out I had roughly a bazillion fantasies about waking up in a cis-woman's body, but in my fantasy the transformation always came from an outside force beyond my control. It was apparently important to my subconscious that the transformation not be "my fault." So yeah, probably some internalized transphobia there. I've noticed that since I've let go of it, I'm more accepting of most people. All the latent "ism's" crawling at the back of my brain from affluent middle-class indoctrination have fallen away. Once that barrier fell, it fell all the way and it fell hard. I still have a problem with "willfully ignorant" but that's more of a personality trait than something you can't change.

 

It's almost tragic how much I didn't like the person I used to be. He was a mess.

 

Hugs!

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I have thought about this topic for a long time.  I have said in previous posts that being Trans is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, and a younger me would have probably taken that magic pill to make it all go away.   At this point in my life though, I have to look at things differently.  Having the dysphoria magically disappear may have made some things easier over the course of time, but Gender Dysphoria was not the only issue I had to deal with.  I also grew up with a lot of emotional abuse, substance abuse from an early age, and depression, all which contributed to C-PTSD.  It's possible that without the dysphoria that some of those issues would have also gone away, or at least lessened them to some degree.  But what else would have changed in my life?  If that one thing would have changed in my life, who would I be today?  Would I still have my children or grand-children?  I think that everything that has happened to me, and everything I have gone through was put in place to make me the person I am today.  I may not like all the circumstances that got me here, but I do like the person I see in the mirror for the first time in my life, and if I was offered that magic pill today, I would have to say no.

 

I love what @KathyLaurensaid.  I didn't choose to be Trans, but I did have a choice of what to do about it.  If I chose to do nothing, the path I was on would have lead to being back on a psychiatric ward or dieing a miserable drunk old man.  I chose the path that gave me the best chance at being happy, or at least content with my life.  And I do think that transitioning does take courage.  It's a choice to go into the unknown with hope of a better future.  In my mind it takes a lot of courage to move ahead into uncertainty despite the fear.

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I certainly can't say that times come when i wonder if there was a better course for me.   Those times are almost always related to others........mostly family.  I know that my transition affected them just as it has affected me.  At one point i used that fact to push my issues away.  In therapy i looked back at my life.  I could not remember a time when gender issues were not there just blow the surface.  I'm not sure if i would have taken a pill.  The fact is that the pill doesn't exist.  I've grown to understand and, more importantly, accept who i am.  I purged and went into hiding too many times.  Somehow acknowledging that gave me the courage to change.  It's just me and facing that has given me strength.  I love the quote : "To thine own self be true".  No one said it was easy but for me it has lead to a life beyond my wildest dreams.  I'm finding peace without a pill.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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A magic pill? No way. In my younger days I would have said I’m not trans, I don’t need it although I knew who I was. I really dislike the terms used in 80’s and 90’s. I also had a lot of internalized transphobia.
 

I would steer around girl stuff like the plague so no one would know how strongly I was drawn towards it. As the draw got stronger I would distance myself further and add more protect layers. Somehow I still managed to learn a great deal about what it is to be and how to function as a woman. 

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4 hours ago, MiraM said:

I have thought about this topic for a long time.  I have said in previous posts that being Trans is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, and a younger me would have probably taken that magic pill to make it all go away.   At this point in my life though, I have to look at things differently.  Having the dysphoria magically disappear may have made some things easier over the course of time, but Gender Dysphoria was not the only issue I had to deal with.  I also grew up with a lot of emotional abuse, substance abuse from an early age, and depression, all which contributed to C-PTSD.  It's possible that without the dysphoria that some of those issues would have also gone away, or at least lessened them to some degree.  But what else would have changed in my life?  If that one thing would have changed in my life, who would I be today?  Would I still have my children or grand-children?  I think that everything that has happened to me, and everything I have gone through was put in place to make me the person I am today.  I may not like all the circumstances that got me here, but I do like the person I see in the mirror for the first time in my life, and if I was offered that magic pill today, I would have to say no.

 

I had dysphoria and depression as a teenager to the point suicide was constantly on my mind. However, I would not give up my wife, daughters, or grandson, so I also say I would not take the pill.

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2 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I would steer around girl stuff like the plague so no one would know how strongly I was drawn towards it. As the draw got stronger I would distance myself further and add more protect layers. Somehow I still managed to learn a great deal about what it is to be and how to function as a woman. 

I was like this myself.

I had a wife and 6 daughters, so I had plenty of opportunity to study women.  All were home births, and I was the midwife for most of them.  (my ex is a tough old gal)  I loved to see her nursing and was extremely jealous of course.  But I never let on.

When the girls would want to do my nails for me, I was like - no way!  Now some of them are my best supporters, and even given morale support on some of my early clinic visits.  

So like Confused1, I would never give up my family.

Funny how you can run from something so long but never escape.

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1 hour ago, Jandi said:
2 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

I would steer around girl stuff like the plague so no one would know how strongly I was drawn towards it. As the draw got stronger I would distance myself further and add more protect layers. Somehow I still managed to learn a great deal about what it is to be and how to function as a woman. 

I was like this myself.

 

Same here, although for me I think a lot of it was subconscious. There's been plenty of things I've always known logically are perfectly acceptable for guys and doesn't turn heads, like a pink shirt or dance lessons, but still could never bring myself to go with simply out of social fear.

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