Discovering Who I Am

[Bianca]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and I'm currently in the middle of figuring out who I am. A little background: I'm 35, AMAB, I'm bisexual and within the last two years I've been starting to question my gender identity. I've always been weirdly "jealous" of lesbians/bisexual women, but in a way where I've always wanted to be a cute woman being cute with another cute woman.

 

Recently I've had really strong urges and fantasies about being a woman. It started about two years ago with using one of those face-swap apps where I switched my gender and thought "oh I look hot as a woman." And this really threw me for a loop because I've never cared about my appearance nor thought myself attractive when I've looked into the mirror as a male. I don't really make many attempts to give myself a style or interesting wardrobe - it's pretty much t-shirt/jeans/shorts. But when I'm looking at woman's clothes, make-up, and other things I know exactly what I want and what I'd like to wear and how I'd like to dress myself.

 

Last year while my partner was out of town I ordered a dress, stockings, heels, and a wig and dressed for the first time and realized I liked it. I then talked to her about it and how I felt I might be genderfluid, and she supported me and encouraged me to explore it so I have a very supportive partner. I then went to a hotel and dressed for a weekend (with some new clothes) and actually put on make-up and felt really good about it. Since then I've occasionally put things on when she's out but haven't really had a chance to stay dressed for long especially since COVID happened.

 

I initially thought I was just interested in being a crossdresser and expressing myself that way, but lately I've been having a lot of other conflicting feelings about things. I've always kind of wanted breasts but I always thought it was the typical "guys just love breasts" sort of feeling. But lately I've been feeling very strongly about actually having breasts on my body and being more feminine. I've contemplated shaving my entire body as well because my body hair has started making me feel very uncomfortable in ways it didn't used to. I've been growing my hair out because of quarantine and I like how I look with longer hair (and have been getting compliments from other people about how I look as well). The one thing though is that I'm  happy with my genitals and don't really want to change them. There's also always been a sexual component to dressing and being a woman for me, but I honestly can't tell if it's because of the dressing or if I just feel more attractive when I'm dressed than when I do when I'm in my everyday clothes. I'm definitely bisexual and imagine myself with both men and women as a woman. I also take a lot more pictures of myself when I'm dressed up because I think I'm attractive while I'm in dresses and skirts and like getting compliments from it.

 

I thought I wasn't trans for a long time mostly because I don't have an objection to being male. But it's also "neutral" to me, and I sometimes I wonder if I was feminine if I'd be happier than "neutral." I'm still questioning everything but I know I'm at least genderfluid. I feel like my ideal body doesn't conform to either strictly male or strictly female, but a combination of both (but leaning feminine). Anyway that's just my introduction and I wanted to share some of my inner thoughts and maybe get some advice and thoughts from people. Thank you!

[Ann W]

Hello Bianca,

I like your introduction...it seems very honest, and I think you'll find a lot people here that can relate to it.  I can.  This is a great place to air these things out.

 

You know what?  My man wardrobe is three stacks.  Black pants, black tees, and black pullovers for colder temps.  All the same.  I just put on a clean "uniform" every morning.

 

Dressing female is a whole different story.  I so get that.  Welcome!

?

[Jackie C.]

Salutations @Bianca and welcome to Transpulse!

 

Yeah, I can relate to that. The only part of my "man uniform" that's left are a bunch of black t-shirts with something clever on them. I cannot stand to wear man jeans anymore. I don't like the way they fit and I don't like how heavy and rough they are. Those all went to the donation bin. The only thing I didn't donate was underwear. Because that's disgusting.

Generally the same uniform though. Black t-shirt. Jeans. Bleah. Did not care remotely how I looked.

For contrast, I went to the gym Friday dressed like the trans pride flag. My sweatshirt wasn't QUITE the right shade of blue (more of a turquoise) but I still looked pretty darn good. 

 

Also, in my limited sample-size study (I asked a bunch of people I know), everybody loves breasts. Men, women, gay men, gay women... everybody. Breasts are great! I've been on HRT about... does math... tries to remember what month it is... a little over two years and I'm still waiting for mine to fill in, but hopes remain high.

 

I wouldn't worry about your relationship with your genitals either. Not all girls get theirs done. It's expensive and the recovery period is really uncomfortable. Really this is about doing what you need to do to feel right in your own body. For me, my dysphoria really wanted me to have a vaginal canal and my state has bathroom laws. The canal is largely wasted because I'm gay as heck, but my brain feels good about it being there. We're all a little different.

 

So yeah, please feel free to join in the discussion. Follow the rules so I don't have to bonk you with the mod stick. Have fun. Again, welcome to TransPulse!

 

Hugs!

[KayC]

Hi Bianca!  nice to meet you and Welcome!

12 hours ago, Bianca said:

when I'm looking at woman's clothes, make-up, and other things I know exactly what I want and what I'd like to wear and how I'd like to dress myself.

ME TOO!!  actually much of what you describe about yourself and your gradual realization that more than just crossdressing is very similar to my experience also.  Everything you describe is very natural, and there is no one-size-fits-all in our world.

Gender therapy was the best way for me to focus on all these different feelings and come to a solid affirmation of who I am, and what I am.  I hope you have the opportunity also, if you haven't already started.

Happy you are here with us❣️  Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[Bianca]

Thank you so much everyone! ?

 

I know it's silly but after dealing with it mostly myself for a long time it's nice to see other people who have felt or experience the same thing as me.

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Bianca said:

I know it's silly but after dealing with it mostly myself for a long time it's nice to see other people who have felt or experience the same thing as me.

I know what you mean.

 

On 10/17/2020 at 8:27 PM, Bianca said:

I initially thought I was just interested in being a crossdresser

Yeah… this too.  But in my case it didn't last long.  A couple of days after I finally got up the nerve to wear a skirt, I was walking up through the back yard and suddenly realized how right it felt.  It was like a door opened up, and I took a deep breath and walked through.  I think for me it was about the clothes… but wasn't.

 

Anyhow, welcome.

[Lee H]

Hi Bianca, and welcome

You said,

On 10/17/2020 at 5:27 PM, Bianca said:

The one thing though is that I'm  happy with my genitals and don't really want to change them.

...and,

On 10/17/2020 at 5:27 PM, Bianca said:

I initially thought I was just interested in being a crossdresser and expressing myself that way, but lately I've been having a lot of other conflicting feelings about things. I've always kind of wanted breasts but I always thought it was the typical "guys just love breasts" sort of feeling. But lately I've been feeling very strongly about actually having breasts on my body and being more feminine.

There is a You Tube Vid from a Gender Therapist called Dr. Z PhD. She called it, "Genital Dysphoria" and discussed the various ways trans folks' relate with whatever they tuck into their panties or shorts. I found it interesting.

 

~~A hello hug from Lee~~

[Susan R]

On 10/17/2020 at 5:27 PM, Bianca said:

I feel like my ideal body doesn't conform to either strictly male or strictly female, but a combination of both (but leaning feminine).

 

On 10/17/2020 at 5:27 PM, Bianca said:

I initially thought I was just interested in being a crossdresser and expressing myself that way, but lately I've been having a lot of other conflicting feelings about things.

Hello Bianca, It’s a pleasure to have you with us. Thanks for reaching out.

 

IMHO, it sounds like you are just now starting to letting yourself experience a taste and wonderful feeling and freedom of femininity. For me growing up in a conservative Christian household, I never was able to experience the full blown version of femininity openly. I could only experience it vicariously through girlfriends, the media, somewhat through my female siblings and of course, my mother. Once I was old enough to live on my own away from those influences that forced me to suppress my feminine side, I could finally explore the world you are now just getting a taste for.

 

It can take a long while to fully understand who you are. Gender and sexual orientation take time to fully evolve and then there is a chance they can change as you experience life openly and without the stigma society attaches. Understanding exactly who you are can really only start when you’re finally able to fully express who you are and who want to be. Suppression and denial of yourself is akin to looking at our world through a microscope or a telescope...you can only see a small part of it. You are now seeing the world with open eyes and getting the full experience.  It’s only a matter of time before it all comes together for you.

 

Thank you for your well written introduction,

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[sparky]

I know what you mean when it comes to feeling indifferent about your assigned gender. I don't feel like I hate being assigned male exactly, I just have spent a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to be a woman.

[Niamh]

Your more recent experience emulates some of mine. I have never had any big issue about my male body, but for as long as I can remember I have been jealous of girls/women that they are able to:

 

• Express their emotions without fear
• Dress in any styles or colours or soft/silky fabrics that they wish
• Have beautifully smooth and curvaceous bodies

I wished for so long that I could experience being a woman and only in my 62nd year did I start to realise that. It's been quite traumatic from a relationship point of view as CIS people (including my wife) have real difficulty in grasping the concept of not being in the gender you believed you should be able to experience.

 

While I love that I am now able to spend much of my time as Niamh, I still feel a need to much more closely experience being a woman and in particular - the emotional aspects. This is why, despite having no big issue with my male genitals and some aspects of my masculinity, I truly want the option to explore the emotions that are released through female hormones. This is possibly one step too far for my wife, but over the next year or so as I maybe understand more about being a woman (without the hormones) I will probably come to a conclusion as to whether I have to spend at least some time under hormone treatment. 

 

Oh - and I love makeup and colour managing my wardrobe - as a part time artist/photographer having studied colour - I love to apply the theories about colour relationships to my clothes and face. My daughter wants to know how I get that stuff so "right" and has recently started asking for my advice on makeup and accessory choices. 

 

While I still have no problem being male - it's so much more exciting being female.

 

[Heather Nicole]

Hi @Bianca! And welcome! (BTW, I love your profile image, so pretty!)

 

(BTW, nevermind my profile pic, it's a fake fantasy, from probably the same gender swap app you referred to.)

 

It seems we're both very close in age (I'm 38), and there's a lot in your story I can personally relate to. Especially the parts about neither hating nor loving being male, but finding femininity particularly alluring, and also especially these parts:

 

On 10/17/2020 at 8:27 PM, Bianca said:

I've always been weirdly "jealous" of lesbians/bisexual women, but in a way where I've always wanted to be a cute woman being cute with another cute woman.

 

On 10/17/2020 at 8:27 PM, Bianca said:

I've always kind of wanted breasts but I always thought it was the typical "guys just love breasts" sort of feeling. But lately I've been feeling very strongly about actually having breasts on my body and being more feminine. I've contemplated shaving my entire body as well because my body hair has started making me feel very uncomfortable in ways it didn't used to. I've been growing my hair out because of quarantine and I like how I look with longer hair