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I love You. Will I ever be able to say goodbye?

Maid In Bedlam

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Maid In Bedlam

Its been nearly 40 years since my mum Passed away. I was just 12 years old at the time. I'm now in my 50s as you may have guessed.

She died significantly awful way. She had pernicious anaemia. Which in itself now it isn't so bad but back in the 70s it was quite a life changer. Anyway cut a long story short from what I could gather from my farther they were doing clinical trials for a new drug that was supposedly a potential cure. I'm sure at the time my parents were over the moon and wanted nothing more than for her to be better. Of course, all trials come with risks and sadly this new treatment affected my mother negatively. That's an understatement being honest. The treatment involved radiation therapy. I can only say My mother died in agony. Think of what you would experience should the bomb have ever dropped. Your bodies building blocks slowly fall apart. her skin began to fall off. Her hair fell out. Sores over her whole body. Some nights i use to stay up with her to give my dad a rest. I was only young and there wasnt much i could have done in reality but  it gave my father a rest. Nausea vomiting and being so ill that You lose the ability to do anything without terrible pain and suffering. I cannot emphasis how  horrific it was. I can still recall back from there the day she went. The hospital basically let her home to die. Of course, we were all devastated. But I think but then I never realised the true repercussions of losing my mother at such an early age. Then I was still more kind of interested in what my next toy was going to be and when can I go out on my bike. My actions then I still do regret to this day. But Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I have a picture up of my Mum and Dad in my living room. It was there wedding day and they look so happy. I look at it every day in the hope that by some miracle it would bring them both back as my dad has now passed also. You really don't know what you have until its gone.


Mothers and fathers day is always pretty hard for me. Mothers day more as I got much more time with my dad. More so with the way the world is today. Ok, so ill admit now she would have been in her late 80s and even have passed more naturally. But I would have had so much more time with her. I'm sure that my mother would have been totally fine with me transforming into a daughter. both my parents were very liberal about things like that and I'm sure would have accepted and embraced me, my life and the way I turned out.  I live many miles away from their gravesites but every year I kind of make a pilgrimage to visit their graves and say hello and pay my respects.

I have come to realize that our relationship I had with her was complicated. Unfortunately, it was based on her being ill, and she died before I got we got a chance to resolve that. She never got the opportunity to see me as an adult and I regret that. I came to relish the attention I got from her when she was sick and I came to believe it was the only way I was capable of receiving her affections. Because she was so desperately and pervasively ill, there was never as an opportunity to step out of that role and test what it would have been like to try to receive her love as a healthy woman. I would have liked to have had that chance.
I suppose even if the illness was with her during the precious moments I had with her. She did relay onto me the elements of survival. I can testify to this without any hesitation. simply because I'm still here to this day and able to write this.

I am an only child. I suppose I have to think myself lucky that im here. As before i was concieved My parents had to get permission in a way that my conception wasnt going to put her in motal danger.

I would love to believe that they are still there in some spiritual way. Just a few weeks ago. I found a white feather where there shouldn't have been one. It was just floating there. Where it had come from I just don't know. But as the saying goes. Its someone looking down on you. I would like to think it was my Mother.

 As I start to get into my autumn years. I What like to have been able to turn back time and changed things around with the knowledge that I could have spent all my time with her laughing and making the most as I really would have known what little time there was left for us to be together.


There are many things I regret from my childhood. I suppose in a way I was naughty. I suppose all children are more than we would care to admit. I was just too young to know any better. I Still regularly chastise myself . Almost beat myself with a self-imagined stick.  Why Couldn't I have been better? I was it I  just being a perfect child was so difficult?



I am not sure why and more recently this affects me more than ever. I suppose it may be because I just need someone to say. "It's ok You did what you could and made something of your life. You have lived your life till now and both your Mother and Father would be proud and happy of your achievements" I would like to think this is so but there is always an element of doubt in my mind. Always that spectre of doubt sitting on your shoulder and whispering in your ear. I suppose I will never know now. It's far too late.

One thing i have learnt in life is As more the time passes as more i realise that there's really nothing permanent in this world...The ones you used to call friends are just people u've meet and the ones that you loved are just people who left your life...There are some that won't ever be forgotten and some that you don't even remember but if you still have really important people in your life remember to always tell them how much they mean to you and don't miss any chance to laugh  and always remember to say "i love you"


Im not sure why i needed to post this. Especially to a group of strangers. In reality other than a conncetion on the internet that is all we are. I speak to my partner about it. He trys to understand but I dont think he ever will truly.

Ill admit sometimes i post a load of rubbish. In fact most of the time I drift in and out of here now. I find i have moved on and now no longer define myself as trans anything. Trans was the journey, The Transition. Now im a woman and i find with each post i read I have little or no connection anymore. Im not about to do anything i will regret. I just wanted to share this part of my life and hope that some will be able to take a little from it.

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Mary Jane

in a way i know how you probably felt when you typed this I'm still young plus not that good at advice, still in high school life seems so unraveled, so hidden that it seems like it can be anything yet basing my future from my past it doesn't seem good. last school year (2019-2020 school year) I don't know why but its like something popped open and pretty much the whole year was emotionally hard for me i even thought i would do suicide thankfully there's a part of me that just wont let me. but point being all i can really say and i know it might not help is and i quote "keep moving forward" (heard it from a movie but its an important thing everyone needs to keep doing)

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There's one thing even a stranger on the Internet can tell you, without having personally known your parents: You don't have to feel guilty about having anticipated and enjoyed traditional childhood things such as bicycles when you were a kid. Your parents were certainly glad you got the chance to be a carefree kid every now and then, in spite of your mother's illness. I'm sorry the radiation treatment failed her so badly.

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Hi @Maid In Bedlam Thank you for sharing your story with us. 


Our relationships with our Parents are eternal.  Maybe the feather was a sign of that, even if just metaphorically.  Also, losing our parents is transformational ... no matter at what age.


I am sorry you could not have had a longer relationship with your mother in this lifetime .. but, a parents only true desire is that their children grow up as noble human beings and that they are happy.  If you can be that for your mother, then there is nothing to regret  ❤️

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