I don't know what I am.

[sparky]

I've been a cis presenting male my whole life, currently in my thirties. I've didn't really do a whole lot of experimenting with female clothing, though occasionally tried on a few things as a kid and a teen.  It's not that I didn't feel okay in my own skin, but I was very curious about panties and bra and felt sexy in them.  I mostly stopped at that point, but over the years my sexual fantasies have almost always revolved around being a woman in most situations. I've been with both women and men and enjoyed it, but I've never really been able to square that with the fantasies I have. I always thought it was more of just a kink or something but I recently came over some discussions of dysmorphia and dysphoria and now I'm not so sure. It's not like I never felt like a guy or that I always felt super different, but I have always had this secret fantasy that I haven't ever told anyone about, including my wife. I had a realization that I don't know that I've ever felt desirable. I mean I have definitely felt like I looked better or worse, but never like someone ought to actually want me. I  I feel like I fit some of the things trans women have describe feeling, but not others. I'm just really confused and honestly scared. I guess I'm just looking for some advice.

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, sparky said:

I feel like I fit some of the things trans women have describe feeling, but not others. I'm just really confused and honestly scared. I guess I'm just looking for some advice.

Hello Sparky, Welcome to our forum.

 

No two trans individuals are identical. I identify with with some here more than others...it’s common to feel like you’re very similar to someone but there is always going to be something that sets them apart from you. I wouldn’t worry too much about finding an example of the ideal trans woman and making that who you are. You are unique and that makes you very special.

 

It takes awhile to find out where you fit but even that will change a bit as your perspectives change as you learn more about who you are inside. Acceptance is the best place to start. Once you accept being YOU is natural and needed to fully develop yourself into the best possible version of yourself. Your needs and desires vary a bit with others but that doesn’t discount you at all or make you better than someone.

 

Have you looked into getting someone to help you with your self discovery process yet? A good ‘gender identity’ focused therapist is a good place to start. It has helped me immensely over the years. I believe if you find a good match, you can figure out a lot of the questions you’ve been asking yourself for a long time. They can start the ball rolling and with a little work you be able to see yourself with new eyes and new acceptance.

 

We’re here to help so if you have any questions, advice or just need a friend to talk to, just put yourself out there and join in the fun.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

[KayC]

Hi Sparky!  nice to meet you and Welcome!
Your experiences sound very similar to my childhood and early adult years.  But then those feelings were buried by career and family for 30 + years.
What you describe can be very typical and as @Susan Rsays, we come in all shapes and sizes. 

Just as you, the more research I did, the more I understood about gender dysphoria (yep! I have that) and that trans identity is complex and confusing.  Gender Therapy was my gold key to open myself up, discard the shackles that society expects of us, and discover I am Transfeminine. 

 

I hope (if you haven't already) can find a good gender therapist.   Until then ...
 

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[sparky]

Thank you for the response. I honestly didn't know that a gender identity therapist was a thing, so I may look into that.  I feel like something I've ignored and explained away is just kinda bubbling up and it's a little crazy.

 

[Ivy]

15 hours ago, sparky said:

I feel like I fit some of the things trans women have describe feeling, but not others.

Hi sparky

Welcome

I think it's like this for all of us.  We're not clones of each other.

13 hours ago, Susan R said:

Acceptance is the best place to start.

I think this was the big break for me.  I finally stoped fighting myself, and accepted who I was.  That freed me to really explore the parts of me that I had repressed for years out of fear.

[Confused1]

Hi Sparky,

 

Welcome to Trans Pulse. As you can see from my picture we are a very diverse group. I also had thoughts in my head I couldn't figure out most of my life and I am twice your age. You have already been given excellent advice to which I can't add much. I agree that seeing a gender therapist could help you understand who you are and what you need to do with that information. There will be similarities with others you meet here, but you need to be you, whatever that is. We will support you any way we can.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[sparky]

Thank you all for the kind words. I'm looking into finding a gender identity therapist. It's been crazy, I've had occasional thoughts about myself and wondered, but reading about the different variations of dysmorphia and dysphoria in the last few days has cracked open a lot of bottled up feelings. I'm really questioning almost everything about myself right now and I really appreciate that there is a place like this to talk about .

[MiloR]

Hey sparky,

Just to give you my insight - I've been questionning my gender for a while now and my advice to you would be to take easy and slow steps, and do things that make you comfortable to better understand what you feel. I understand it's very frightening, and I think a lot of us are scared... But for me, slowly doing stuff that aligned with the other gender and seeing how I felt doing them (cross-dressing, using different pronouns, anything really) helped me a lot. And you don't have to have a label or anything straight away (or at all, you can just be you, you know). I think what's important is that you keep doing what feels "you"... I personnally am not sure what I am right now, but just looking at things from the perspective of enjoying them or not, despite what others may want for me, really helps. I understand and relate to a lot of stuff you're saying about feeling attractive or not. Personnally, changing my clothes and seeing them fit my shape differently truly helped me to feel better about myself.

I don't know if this helps you or anything, but you have my support. Take care !

Milo

[Gabriel]

Hi sparky

 

I can't give you a ton of advise, because I am currently in a very similar situation (in the other direction though). But I can totally empathise with the doubt, uncertainty and genral crazyness of questioning and feeling like there is no solid ground under my feet.

 

What has totally helped me was finding a gender identiy therapyst. I'm just two sessions into therapy, but just the fact that there is an informed and non judjamental someone who I can talk to and help me try to find some clarity has made a world of difference.

 

Another thing I like to remeber is that this journey can be a drama or an adventure. I choose the second - even if I have to remind myself of that every other day.

 

Looking forward to knowing more about you if you feel like sharing.

 

 

[sparky]

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

 

5 hours ago, Noah A said:

 

Another thing I like to remeber is that this journey can be a drama or an adventure. I choose the second - even if I have to remind myself of that every other day.

Thank you for that. That's a really great way of trying to frame everything. Since I first posted this I've made an appointment to talk on t he phone with a gender identity therapist on Monday. It's scary, but honestly it's a relief. Knowing that I've been in denial and ignoring/hiding something from myself for so long, it's good to just start to deal with it, even if it scares the -crap- out of me.  I'd love to chat more if you'd care to.

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, sparky said:

 

Thank you for that. That's a really great way of trying to frame everything. Since I first posted this I've made an appointment to talk on t he phone with a gender identity therapist on Monday. It's scary, but honestly it's a relief. Knowing that I've been in denial and ignoring/hiding something from myself for so long, it's good to just start to deal with it, even if it scares the -crap- out of me.  I'd love to chat more if you'd care to.

 

Hey @sparky ! That's absolutely great!! I so totally get how scary it is. My first appointment with my gender therapist was two and a half weeks ago. Just when I was ready to ring their door my mind convinced me I was totally nuts, deluding myself, and I shouldn't be there. I pushed through, went in, and I cannot say how happy I am I did. So I get you, you are not alone.

 

I relate so much about how you came to realise there is something here that needs exploring. For me it was also sex related, and it confused me because they are separate issues. But truth is, in my fantasies I wanted to be the man, and when I gave myself permission to imagine it and think about it the provervial Pandora's box exploded, bringing up a new understanding of my whole life.

 

Cheering for you here. I'll love to chat to our hearts content

 

 

[sparky]

Exactly!

1 hour ago, Noah A said:

I relate so much about how you came to realise there is something here that needs exploring. For me it was also sex related, and it confused me because they are separate issues. But truth is, in my fantasies I wanted to be the man, and when I gave myself permission to imagine it and think about it the provervial Pandora's box exploded, bringing up a new understanding of my whole life.

 

 

 

That' almost exactly it. Virtually all of my sexual fantasies involve being a woman. I've been with both genders sexually and enjoyed the encounters, so there was a time I thought I was just gay or bi. But I read a comment the other day on a post about dysmorphia and dysphoria that just struck me to the core and frankly cracked open everything that I've suppressed or explained away. She commented "If you're a boy and your secret fetish involves you being a girl, whoops. You're not a boy.".

 

Obviously we're working in different directions but It's really, really nice to chat with someone going through something similar. I'm cheering for you too!

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Noah A said:

when I gave myself permission to imagine it and think about it the provervial Pandora's box exploded,

This can happen 

Just can't quite put that stuff back in

[Gabriel]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

Just can't quite put that stuff back in

 

Isn't that true!!! lol

[Gabriel]

3 hours ago, sparky said:

Obviously we're working in different directions but It's really, really nice to chat with someone going through something similar. I'm cheering for you too!

 

It is!! It feels so good to share the adventure

[sparky]

Like honestly, I legitimately giddy to actually have people to talk to about something I've tried to ignore for so long. Thank you, everyone!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, sparky said:

I legitimately giddy to actually have people to talk to about something I've tried to ignore for so long.

Isn't it WONDERFUL? ❤️

[sparky]

It really is. I'm having my first phone conversation with a therapist on Monday, and told my wife last night I was questioning. It's been a little awkward and definitely very emotional, but I'm hoping it's for the best.