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Gabriel

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Hi

 

I’m 45 yo, AFAB, and questioning my gender identity. Funny how can a world of doubt, confusion and terror be hidden behind such a short sentence. I guess I’ll stick to the optimistic side and be happy that doubt and terror take turns instead of going at it at once.

 

Many of those doubts and the confusion come from the fact that I do not fit the narrative of “I always knew”. I didn’t. I just spend my life trying like hell to fit in, wondering what was wrong with me, and self-isolating as the only way to find some peace.

 

Now I’m 45, divorced, I have two teenage sons, and I’m facing Pandora’s box after it slowly opened up in a process that has taken about 2 years.

 

How do I identify as? I’m not really sure. Mostly because what feels right terrifies me so much that sends me into a spiral of rational doubt.

 

At this point I feel I need to talk to someone, come out to someone to help me with all this and not feel so alone. But how can I come out to someone when I don’t even know if all of this is real?

 

Thank you for being here, all of you. I may not have said anything until now, but reading you has given me information, support and resources that have helped me so much.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Noah, nice to meet you :)

 

I am glad you are finding things useful. Please don't hesitate to ask questions and join in as you feel. You will have realised this is a friendly place,

 

Tracy

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Hi Tracy, nice to meet you too.

 

Thank you for your welcome. Looking forward to growing with you all.

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DonkeySocks
15 hours ago, Noah A said:

At this point I feel I need to talk to someone, come out to someone to help me with all this and not feel so alone. But how can I come out to someone when I don’t even know if all of this is real?

Hi, Noah! Nice to meet you.

You can come out as questioning. You don't have to have all the answers if you want to talk to someone and share your feelings with them. You can even tell someone that you're not sure what you're trying to reveal to them, but that it's something about exploring and finding the real you. You can say you've been thinking about gender. Just about anything that comes to mind. You don't have to provide a label for your friends or family to use, unless and until you have a label you like. You can tell your friends or loved ones that you don't know if it's real, but beware of people who then dismiss it because you don't know how to defend it. You are already finding words, or you wouldn't be here. Your feelings are real, whatever conclusion you might come to in the end.

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Hi Noah, pleased to meet you.

 

"I do not fit the narrative of “I always knew”. I didn’t. I just spend my life trying like hell to fit in, wondering what was wrong with me, and self-isolating as the only way to find some peace.

 

Now I’m 45, divorced, I have two teenage sons, and I’m facing Pandora’s box after it slowly opened up in a process that has taken about 2 years."

 

Honestly, other than the fact that I am coming at it from the other direction that is pretty much identical to me. My married life imploded just before my 40th (I also have a 12yo daughter and a 13 yo son) and I have had very mixed feelings over the last couple of years to get to where I am. Say what you want to say, ask what you want to ask, and just be honest with what you feel to yourself, even if that is just scared and confused at the moment - because at least then you then get to ask why. :)

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello @Noah A. It’s a pleasure to have you here with us. You are among friends here and are here to help you any way we can.

 

21 hours ago, Noah A said:

I may not have said anything until now, but reading you has given me information, support and resources that have helped me so much.

As @DonkeySocks pointed out...we’re all here trying to find ourselves. It’s a forum filled with real people with at least one aim of self-discovery. It’s a process that takes patience and time. You’ve recognized the fact that something needs attention or that an issue does exist...that’s why you’re here. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it never goes away completely. I can tell you first hand that denial, suppression and compartmentalizing your life does not work for long. Knowing the truth about yourself and accepting who you are, whatever that might be, is half the battle. The rest of the pieces eventually fall into place with good help whether it be professional or through resources that you stumble upon in you research.

 

You’ll here it often on this forum but it’s very true...you owe it to yourself to find a good therapist with a good understanding of gender identity issues. I don’t know how abundant those type of resources are in Spain but there are online services available and in some places right now online is the only method of service available due to covid.

 

I believe one can traverse these gender issues without a therapist but the more resources and support you have at your disposal, the better, imho. I think this to a great place to get started and hope to read more about you and your journey. I trust with a little effort, you’ll eventually get there.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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10 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

You can come out as questioning

 

Hi @DonkeySocks. Thank you so much for your welcome. You are so right. That's what I've done with one of my best friends. She has been supportive, if a bit skeptical. She leans towards believing that this probably has other explanations, or at least making totally sure that is not the case. Can't blame her, she has know me only in my overfeminine phase.

 

10 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

Your feelings are real, whatever conclusion you might come to in the end

 

Thank you for that. It's interesting that, no matter how much I know that is the case, I still doubt them. So it is a huge support to hear those words.

 

 

10 hours ago, DeeDee said:

just be honest with what you feel to yourself, even if that is just scared and confused at the moment - because at least then you then get to ask why. :)

 

Hi @DeeDee. You have no idea (except you probably do) how reasuring it is that you share this experience in this way (not always knowing) and yet it is totally real and you've come this far. And yes, being honest with myself and self-acceptance and self-love are the goals. Each question and each answer may scare me, but they also set me free, and when I allow myself to think "I am not a woman and I do not need to be a woman" everything inside of me relaxes. It scares me, but I'm not letting go of that feeling!

 

4 hours ago, Susan R said:

you owe it to yourself to find a good therapist with a good understanding of gender identity issues.

 

Hi @Susan R. Yes! I have one. There was none in my area but I found them in Barcelona. I'm only two session into therapy but it has made a world of difference, in terms of being able to talk about this with an informed, neutral and non judgemental person. I actually am in this forum because I could put aside my previous "I am not trans enough" fear, and that's thanks to therapy. The awareness and ability to legitimize my feelings and reality has no price.

 

Thank you all for your welcome. It is felt and deeply appreciated. I'll do my best to be here for you as much as you are here for me.

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@DeeDee If you feel like it, maybe you can share a bit of your journey? How was it until you could identify as MtF? How your feelings evolved from questioning to now? How is your relationship with your body when you didn't question it before?
Please just ignore those questions if they are not appropiate, and apologies if that is the case.

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Hi Noah, I will send you a private message answering your questions so I don't hijack your thread and make it all about me! but I have found blogging to write my thoughts down on a regular basis has helped me work through a lot of the bigger thoughts and feelings.🙂

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