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What to do when your genetics are detrimental to the look that reflects who you are?


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Hello, everyone! This is my first post on this forum, so i'll already start by apologizing if i'm breaking any rules by posting this.

 

The title says it all really, i haven't started any sort of hormone therapy or done anything to transition, for good reason, i look at a few characteristics of mine, and like, i feel like no matter how much progress i make, i'll never actually have the look i want. I want to look cute, pale, small, feminine, fragile, but i'm tall, dark skinned, have wide shoulders, etc...

 

So that's it really, i feel like if i take hormones, or do anything else to achieve the look i want, i'll only get halfway there at best, and i'll not only not look the way i want to look, a cute girl, but i'll also not look like the man i am today anymore.

 

So that's it really, i don't know how to fight my genetics, i'm 1,86m, i have really wide shoulders, i have a much darker skin tone than i'd like, and those are things from my genetic code, i had no power over them, that's just the way i am, but i hate that so much. As long as i don't know what to do about these things, i can never see myself realistically starting any sort of transition, because i know that i'll never get to where i really want to be, i'll never have the looks that reflect who i am.

 

Does anyone else have a similar situation? And if so, what did you do about it? Or if there was nothing you could do, how did you cope with it?

 

Sorry if i said anything offensive, everyone, if i did, i didn't mean to at all.

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I... went ahead with transition anyway. I'm OK with my skin tone, but yeah, I'm too tall, I've got linebacker shoulders, no chest, I'm pigeon-breasted and I've got hips like a snake. I've still been told that I positively radiate femininity as recently as yesterday (October 23rd, 2020).

 

The thing is that dysphoria is like that. On the other hand, nobody gets to pick (well, not exactly because plastic surgery is a thing) what they look like. It's about doing your best with what you've got. Since I've been transitioning, I've learned to love myself. I'm actually happy when I see myself in the mirror every morning. I kiss my fingertips and press them to the mirror to say hello. I hope I never lose that. It's amazing.

 

The last bit is learning to love what you do have. You really can't see them in my thumbnail, but I've got brilliant cheekbones and cute dimples. My smile is measured in megawatts and we see a lot more of it these days. Well, you know, within reason. Mandatory masks in public and all. You can totally see it in video chats though.

 

So yeah, transitioning isn't about becoming this perfect goddess. I'm never going to be the person in my head, but that's OK. Transitioning is about being comfortable in your own skin. I've got that now and it shows. Broad shoulders, snake hips and all.

 

Hugs!

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First of all, thank you so much for replying! I appreciate it very much :3

 

I'm so happy that the transition worked well for you, and that you're comfortable with your body and with who you are, in the end that's what will always matters most i believe.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

The thing is that dysphoria is like that. On the other hand, nobody gets to pick (well, not exactly because plastic surgery is a thing) what they look like. It's about doing your best with what you've got. Since I've been transitioning, I've learned to love myself. I'm actually happy when I see myself in the mirror every morning. I kiss my fingertips and press them to the mirror to say hello. I hope I never lose that. It's amazing.

 

Plastic surgery is definitely a possibility, but it's also part of why i made this post unfortunately, i can see myself getting surgery for things like, idk, my nose, which i really dislike, but i've never seen surgery for things like height or shoulders, probably because those are much more complex, it would involve every bone, every muscle, everything, i don't even think it's possible, which saddens me. It really is all about loving one's self, i think that's what i struggle with most tbh, i have no self esteem and hate myself very much.

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

So yeah, transitioning isn't about becoming this perfect goddess. I'm never going to be the person in my head, but that's OK. Transitioning is about being comfortable in your own skin. I've got that now and it shows. Broad shoulders, snake hips and all.

 

I know that becoming a perfect goddess isn't possible, but idk, i feel like i can never love myself if i don't become the person i see in my head, that i wish i was, i don't know why i'm so obsessed about it, but i can't help myself. I struggle to love what i do have, because i hate all that i have, every inch, everything i see when i look into the mirror, i wish i could change it all, and that's what frustrates me, i know that surgery and hormones would only get me so far, but i'll never be able to change everything, there will always be parts i hate and there's nothing i can do about it, it feels so helpless.

 

Still, thank you so much for the reply and the advice, i really appreciate it!

 

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Hugs!

 

Hugs :3

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I was really down on myself when I started my transition. I want to be cute and tiny too but I know that will just never happen. I felt like there is absolutely no way I would ever pass or even remotely look like a woman but I went ahead anyways. What did I have to lose by trying?

 

My therapist pointed some things I never considered. There are women with wide shoulders, big arms, big  hands, flat chest, no butt, no hips, big brow ridge, tall, big feet, deep voice, ect. Yes a woman having a lot of these traits would probably be gendered as male but she would also make sure to correct you in a heartbeat.

 

Affirming surgeries can fix a lot of things but not all. So I will off-set as much as I can and work with what I have. It's amazing what a little medical intervention and new attitude can do.

 

I've also learned not to trust mirrors anymore. Since I've been seeing the same face for over 40 years I don't see much in the way of changes neither do the people closest to me.

 

If you really feel it, than follow your heart.

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3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Transitioning is about being comfortable in your own skin. I've got that now and it shows. Broad shoulders, snake hips and all.

 

Hi @Lain, nice to meet you. Welcome. Good subject you’ve started.

 

Jackie stated something above that I agree with all the way. In the earliest stages of confronting gender dysphoria or gender incongruence of any sort, the focus is generally more on the physical aspects of transition. I don’t want to downplay any of that because it is still important for me today...almost as much as it was early in my transition. It has changed as my focus and understanding about what it is to be a woman has changed. Of course as you medically transition, changes will occur with your physical body that help considerably with your gender dysphoria but there will always be improvements you may desire.  Jackie mentioned several that she might like changed. I have a similar list..lol. Some aspects will improve while others may not. That part of transition is always a crapshoot. Your new look can help you eventually become more comfortable with yourself. Your perspectives during transition will change greatly over time. With proper professional assistance, it can even change faster in many cases. But eventually your issues with your physical self will decrease as you start to see your life through a different lens. If you ask anyone who has started transitioning, many, perhaps most will tell you they the changes were internal as well as external. Of those that have seen changes, I bet most would say that their self acceptance with their physical body has improved. There may even be a time in your future when these issues you now perceive to be a liability become irrelevant to your happiness or in rare cases, an asset.

 

My Best,

Susan R?

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This is something I struggled with for a long time and reading other stories, many have as well.

There is a mindset in our beginning which is part of the dysphoria. We don't feel we are the person we believe we are and often any visual image we see hits that button time and time again.

The best advice I have been given was that I want to be the best female version of myself that I can be.

The same height, skin and body shape (although hormones will and do change some of our appearance) but the female version of me.

Transitioning is as much about the emotional and mental changes that occur along with some physical changes.

A therapist is a must to help us comes to terms of how we progress towards our goal of being our true self.

This is a great place to begin as the advice and real world experiences are and have been invaluable to me.

We as people come in all shapes and sizes and nobody is ever 100% happy with how they look, we all get by though.

You didn't say if you have a therapist, if you don't you should get one as they can be so much help now and in the future.

 

Hugs

Robin

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Struggled with that a long time too, besides all the other struggles. But at some point I thought I'd rather live the rest of my life as an ugly woman than any kind of man. And HRT helped me mentally almost right away, well before any physical changes. Yes, I still don't like what I see in the mirror, but feel significantly better than I used to (and it's only 5 weeks in). 

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11 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

The last bit is learning to love what you do have. 

Lain, Jackie says it best.  Learn to love what you have.  Yes, it can be challenging, but we all have our beauty points even if many don't align with society's current view of what is beautiful.  For the longest time, I tried to compare my looks with what I saw in fashion magazines - nobody looks like that, so, I realized I should stop trying to compare myself to that unreasonable standard.  Now I focus on femininizing what I was given.  Yes it's harder, but in the end the effort bolsters my confidence and makes me feel just as authentic and just as beautiful as all those fashion models I wasted so much time trying to emulate.  

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@Lain first welcome. You have come to a place of wonder and understanding and women who will listen and provide advice based on facts and experience. I know that I won't look like I would love to look and being you are much younger you have a better chance to look closer to what you want but I remember the words the Jessica Lange character in the movie NORMAL from about 2003. Tom Wilkerson is her husband who is MTF and the least feminine body you can imagine. Jessica finally accepts him and helps him near the end in regard to dressing and make up. She says " you've got to use what you've been given and make it work for you."

Just remember you are beautiful inside and outside and use what you have been given.love the you you are.

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Hi @Lain, welcome to TransPulse.  

 

Not being [fill-in-the-blank-here] enough is something that bothers many cis women, thanks to

the insidious drumbeat of marketing.  For trans folks, many of whom wrestle with self-doubt, it

can seem like it's a deal-breaker.  But I am in support of all the strong women above (and many

others who haven't replied yet) who articulated why it's not stopped them from fulfilling who they

know they are.

 

I have read over a hundred trans drama and romantic novels, before ultimately tiring of the genre.

What 95% of them had in common was describing the trans character as "a natural" who, with a

bit of makeup, a redo of their already long and full head of hair, and a killer bodycon dress on their

petite body, wowed everyone and overcame the inevitable one or two anti-trans people inserted

as an element of drama. Well, that isn't reality.  Particularly for those of us who are well past

puberty before we act on who we know ourselves to be.

 

And, the whole concept of passing doesn't need to apply if, like me, you identify as trans non-binary.

An AMAB, I definitely identify on the feminine side of the gender identity spectrum.  There are plenty

of things I have done on my journey, including HRT, that have helped enormously.  It means I've

been able to pretty much banish the bad old days of self-doubt, anger, and dysphoria.  I wouldn't want

those days back, ever.  My journey is helping me arrive at a far more comfortable place than I could

have imagined.

 

Keep in touch!  With best wishes,

 

Astrid

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Hi, @Lain and welcome!

 

I think we all start out despairing of ever looking feminine.  I know I did.  But I agree with the advice above: you have to work with what you have got.

 

One thing I didn't have was the money for facial surgery.  So I knew that I would have to make do with whatever improvements hormones could make.  I knew I would never be pretty.

 

So, imagine my surprise when I was getting ready to go to my support group, putting on lipstick, and I suddenly realized that I didn't recognize those lips!  And, a month or two later, it was the eyes.  My wife noticed it, too.  A couple of times, we'd be in the car, me driving, and she would stare at me and comment on how much my face had changed.

 

I'll still never be pretty, but when I catch a glimpse of my face in a mirror, I like what I see.  It is the face of a mature woman.  (I am 66.)

 

Work with what you have.  Some surgeries are options; some are not.  If you work with a therapist, who can help you with your confidence, that confidence will shine through and people will like what they see.  I hope you will, too.

 

Regards,

Kathy

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Hi @Lain!  Ya know, like @Astrid said, I am not sure I have ever known a woman who was not happy about some part of her appearance.  So, it comes with the territory.

 

I am not trying to be flippant, but I think the most important part of transition is Self-Acceptance from the inside.  If you find that, everything else will fall in place.

Happy you have joined us here, and already received some great experience from others.

Deep breaths ... one step at a time

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Thank you so much for all of the replies, everyone!

 

I guess those are the options i have really, use the resources i have to get closer to the body i want, and work on my mentality to accept the things that i can't change, i guess i'll have to work with my therapist on that and the whole self hate thing i've got going on, i'll do my best!

 

Once again, thank you everyone for the replies, i appreciate the insight, honesty and care that all of you showed me :3

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  • 1 month later...

I am finding myself in a similar situation. I am short at 5'6" but barrel chested, wide shouldered and rugged manly face and a voice like Barry White. Part of what I am doing now is helping myself by researching everything I can, voice lessons, FFS, HRT, fat redistribution, implants, wigs (I'm bald as a cue ball too :( ) to put together what I can do and give myself even more hope. One interesting thing i found today is a lot of places that do FFS have a program they use to approximate the changes from the surgeries and give you a fairly accurate representation of what you can expect. I just sent off pictures to one today for a consultation, which they say is free, and i will let you know what happens.

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After realizing that I was never going to look like the women I admired the most and wanted to look like when I began full time, I got pretty down myself, but one of my therapists kicked me a bit and told me that since I was a trained observer of life I should go out and REALLY look (without being rude) at ALL women, not just the cute ones (I was 60+ at the time) but to look at as I said ALL women.  In doing that I saw some nearer my age that had rougher features than I do.  What they had though was an ease about themselves and you could feel kindness from them.  Some had broken teeth, others were badly overweight, others had almost no hair, or wore scarves to cover baldness, but they exhibited a comfort of being who they were, and strangely, they accepted me as one of them.  I have some drop dead gorgeous young friends that have taught me to love who I am because they tell me they hope they look as good as I do in the 35 year age differences,  I do wonder who they really are talking about, but I am part of their group as far as simply being my female self.  I have not had most of what I could have had, but I see women with my body and features happy for who they are.  What more can we hope for.

 

I have been full time for over 12 years by now.

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Hi @Lain! Nice to meet'cha!

 

Like you, I'm early in all this, pre-HRT, and the male-puberty fairy hit me pretty hard (nevermind my profile image, it's a comfortable, happy, digital "lie"). So I've been facing a lot of the same concerns, plus a big 'ol helping of self-doubt!

 

One thing I try to remind myself of is this: Most ciswomen have body image issues as well. So...welcome to being a woman! ;)

 

There another thing I also try to remind myself of: Even as much as I do regret that I may never have the body I dream of, every little step I have taken towards feminizing myself has been something I absolutely treasure, and would never choose to undo. I grew my hair out (despite my obvious (to me) thinning and receding), got earrings, got more into personal hygiene and health care products (nails, face, etc), started allowing myself to indulge in what I felt were feminine mannerisms and preferences (so far, nobody's called me out, and if they did, well, so what? That's their problem!), got myself more of the clothes I prefer even if I'm still very much "in the closet", and "in strict privacy only, and no looking in the mirror!" with them.

 

So I try to remember, even if I believe I can't have the body I wish I could, I still know that I am genuinely happy with nearly every step towards feminization I've allowed myself. Each one, no matter how small, has brought me closer to being my true self, and there's no way I would give any of them up. So I try to remind myself: This isn't all or nothing! Just because I probably can't have the body I wish for (just like most women!), doesn't mean there isn't still lots of happiness for me to claim by making the changes I can make. Why deny myself, or yourself, that which we CAN have, simply for want of more?

 

In my past life, I was a software developer, and many of us in the field had a saying:

 

"Don't let 'perfect' be the enemy of 'good'."

 

I think that applies here as well.

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@Kellianne and @Lain I'm 5'7,broad shouldered, went bald on my head at 17 and was hairy as a monkey everywhere else, I have a full and loud tenor voice and have been overweight for years due to not caring enough about myself.

However I'm 5'7 and actually blend well heightwise with most of the women I know, my shoe size is easy to buy for in womens sizes and my current frame is a 16-18uk size which also matches most of my friends (eyeballing.)

On a bad day I think having anyone look at me and see the woman I now believe myself to be is impossible, all they will see is the hair stubble everywhere, badly fitting clothes and someone trying to be something they're not.

On a good day I find clothing that flatters me even without hormones or shaping and feel like I can have so much fun accessorising with wigs that my girl friends will end up borrowing them.

 

I have walked down a busy street and spoken to cinema attendants (why did I have to hand in that lost bank card) but was ignored or smiled at and spoken to politely. Just like everyone else.

 

All the other advice is just so spot on - trust the people that have gone ahead - you need to choose your reality over your fantasy - I long to be accepted socially and emotionally first and foremost, and none of that is dependant on somebody else. 

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I wouldn't want to put words into a legend's mouth, or sound improper in any way...and maybe it's all just because I've been rewatching Golden Girls for the umpteenth time...

 

...but, sometimes I feel like Bea Arthur deserves to be revered as a goddess upon earth by all transwomen and by all other women who may also feel similar "comparing one's self to others" issues.

 

 

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Hey L

Yeah everyone advice is spot on, but its all kinda of BS too

Cause for me , the image in my head is so much stronger then the image i have in my heart. 

Look take this for what it is".

You can fix yr face, voice, chest, and hrt will help a little with your body. but you will never be Victoria Secrets model, but like everyone said above 99 % of all cis women will never either.

So deep breaths, be kind to yr self and start work on a new image ,,one that fits you

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On 10/24/2020 at 6:16 PM, Lain said:

i haven't started any sort of hormone therapy or done anything to transition, for good reason, i look at a few characteristics of mine, and like, i feel like no matter how much progress i make, i'll never actually have the look i want. I want to look cute, pale, small, feminine, fragile, but i'm tall, dark skinned, have wide shoulders, etc...

 

On 10/24/2020 at 6:16 PM, Lain said:

i'll never get to where i really want to be, i'll never have the looks that reflect who i am.

It's an interesting choice of words, wanting to look "fragile". Is it possible that you are wishing for a specific look so that you have permission to behave a certain way socially, that you feel your own body doesn't give you? In addition to accepting the body you have, maybe you would find it enlightening to explore what you think the person you describe yourself as inside, is able to do and have that you believe you are not able to do and have in the body you're in. Some of the most gorgeous women on the planet are big, dark-skinned, broad-shouldered--and generally "fragile" isn't the first word one would use to describe them. But maybe they are emotionally fragile. If you want to look a certain way in order to be able to freely express your emotions, in order to have permission from yourself or others to wear your heart on your sleeve, be comforted, be helped, etc., then there's nothing wrong with that, it's a valid desire. It's also a different kind of thing from wanting a certain body for the body's sake. Maybe you don't want to transition, and that's totally okay. And maybe you do want to transition, and at the same time want to receive specific social abilities that the girl you're envisioning would have, at least as you imagine her. So if you want something specific, such as permission to feel a certain way, the way to get it is to ask people for it, and first of all give it to yourself.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello everyone, first i'd like to apologize for taking so long to reply, i haven't browsed the forum recently so i've only checked your responses recently, but i'll reply to them all now.

 

On 12/1/2020 at 12:05 AM, Kellianne said:

I am finding myself in a similar situation. I am short at 5'6" but barrel chested, wide shouldered and rugged manly face and a voice like Barry White. Part of what I am doing now is helping myself by researching everything I can, voice lessons, FFS, HRT, fat redistribution, implants, wigs (I'm bald as a cue ball too :( ) to put together what I can do and give myself even more hope. One interesting thing i found today is a lot of places that do FFS have a program they use to approximate the changes from the surgeries and give you a fairly accurate representation of what you can expect. I just sent off pictures to one today for a consultation, which they say is free, and i will let you know what happens.

I'm really happy to hear you've been looking into your options to look the way you want to, i hope everything goes well, this picture thing sounds really dope tbh, especially with it being free, taking a peek of what you can look like before going through with something like a surgery is crucial.

I really identify with the wide shoulders, manly face and deep voice parts, but hey, those are things we can work on, the wide shoulders not so much i believe, but some women have wide shoulders too, so it shouldn't bring us down :3

btw, you look gorgeous in your profile pick, your face is beautiful!

 

On 12/1/2020 at 12:40 AM, VickySGV said:

After realizing that I was never going to look like the women I admired the most and wanted to look like when I began full time, I got pretty down myself, but one of my therapists kicked me a bit and told me that since I was a trained observer of life I should go out and REALLY look (without being rude) at ALL women, not just the cute ones (I was 60+ at the time) but to look at as I said ALL women.  In doing that I saw some nearer my age that had rougher features than I do.  What they had though was an ease about themselves and you could feel kindness from them.  Some had broken teeth, others were badly overweight, others had almost no hair, or wore scarves to cover baldness, but they exhibited a comfort of being who they were, and strangely, they accepted me as one of them.  I have some drop dead gorgeous young friends that have taught me to love who I am because they tell me they hope they look as good as I do in the 35 year age differences,  I do wonder who they really are talking about, but I am part of their group as far as simply being my female self.  I have not had most of what I could have had, but I see women with my body and features happy for who they are.  What more can we hope for.

 

I have been full time for over 12 years by now.

I'm so happy that you have such a positive mentality and outlook on things, that's really important, i'm especially happy about your therapist, they seem amazing, and their advice was spot on.

I agree with the sentiment that many women struggle with their body images, because it's a normal human thing really, and we are not immune to it just because we're transitioning, we're just like everyone else, i guess my problem that caused me to create this thread isn't even 100% transition related, it's just frustration due to not being able to look the way i want to, but that's just a human thing i guess, still frustrating tho, and it's gonna take a long time for me to cope with it i think, i'm very immature emotionally overall.

 

On 12/1/2020 at 2:20 AM, Heather Nicole said:

Hi @Lain! Nice to meet'cha!

 

Like you, I'm early in all this, pre-HRT, and the male-puberty fairy hit me pretty hard (nevermind my profile image, it's a comfortable, happy, digital "lie"). So I've been facing a lot of the same concerns, plus a big 'ol helping of self-doubt!

 

One thing I try to remind myself of is this: Most ciswomen have body image issues as well. So...welcome to being a woman! ;)

 

There another thing I also try to remind myself of: Even as much as I do regret that I may never have the body I dream of, every little step I have taken towards feminizing myself has been something I absolutely treasure, and would never choose to undo. I grew my hair out (despite my obvious (to me) thinning and receding), got earrings, got more into personal hygiene and health care products (nails, face, etc), started allowing myself to indulge in what I felt were feminine mannerisms and preferences (so far, nobody's called me out, and if they did, well, so what? That's their problem!), got myself more of the clothes I prefer even if I'm still very much "in the closet", and "in strict privacy only, and no looking in the mirror!" with them.

 

So I try to remember, even if I believe I can't have the body I wish I could, I still know that I am genuinely happy with nearly every step towards feminization I've allowed myself. Each one, no matter how small, has brought me closer to being my true self, and there's no way I would give any of them up. So I try to remind myself: This isn't all or nothing! Just because I probably can't have the body I wish for (just like most women!), doesn't mean there isn't still lots of happiness for me to claim by making the changes I can make. Why deny myself, or yourself, that which we CAN have, simply for want of more?

 

In my past life, I was a software developer, and many of us in the field had a saying:

 

"Don't let 'perfect' be the enemy of 'good'."

 

I think that applies here as well.

Nice to meet you too!

You know what? You're absolutely right, everything you've just said, perhaps i'll never be able to have the height i want, but i can have the hair i want, the skin i want, the eyes i want, the face i want... For everything that isn't under my control, there are many things that are, and while i can't look exactly the way i want to, i can look closer to what i'd like, so i'll try to do that from now on :3

 

On 12/1/2020 at 2:57 AM, DeeDee said:

@Kellianne and @Lain I'm 5'7,broad shouldered, went bald on my head at 17 and was hairy as a monkey everywhere else, I have a full and loud tenor voice and have been overweight for years due to not caring enough about myself.

However I'm 5'7 and actually blend well heightwise with most of the women I know, my shoe size is easy to buy for in womens sizes and my current frame is a 16-18uk size which also matches most of my friends (eyeballing.)

On a bad day I think having anyone look at me and see the woman I now believe myself to be is impossible, all they will see is the hair stubble everywhere, badly fitting clothes and someone trying to be something they're not.

On a good day I find clothing that flatters me even without hormones or shaping and feel like I can have so much fun accessorising with wigs that my girl friends will end up borrowing them.

 

I have walked down a busy street and spoken to cinema attendants (why did I have to hand in that lost bank card) but was ignored or smiled at and spoken to politely. Just like everyone else.

 

All the other advice is just so spot on - trust the people that have gone ahead - you need to choose your reality over your fantasy - I long to be accepted socially and emotionally first and foremost, and none of that is dependant on somebody else. 

Being overweight is something i struggle with too, but then again that's another thing that technically is under my control, it's just really difficult unfortunately.

Thank you for sharing your story and for the advice, you girls are spot on about what you're all saying, i think in the end i really need to work on my psychological problems before going through with my physical ones, or else i'll just end up frustrated and unfulfilled, i still have a long way to go in many regards.

 

On 12/2/2020 at 1:45 AM, Lexi C said:

Hey L

Yeah everyone advice is spot on, but its all kinda of BS too

Cause for me , the image in my head is so much stronger then the image i have in my heart. 

Look take this for what it is".

You can fix yr face, voice, chest, and hrt will help a little with your body. but you will never be Victoria Secrets model, but like everyone said above 99 % of all cis women will never either.

So deep breaths, be kind to yr self and start work on a new image ,,one that fits you

Thank you for the advice, i guess i really did want to be a Victoria Secrets model (Don't we all?), but it really isn't viable, i guess the best approach is trying to accept that and working on what is under my control.

 

On 12/2/2020 at 1:15 PM, DonkeySocks said:

 

It's an interesting choice of words, wanting to look "fragile". Is it possible that you are wishing for a specific look so that you have permission to behave a certain way socially, that you feel your own body doesn't give you? In addition to accepting the body you have, maybe you would find it enlightening to explore what you think the person you describe yourself as inside, is able to do and have that you believe you are not able to do and have in the body you're in. Some of the most gorgeous women on the planet are big, dark-skinned, broad-shouldered--and generally "fragile" isn't the first word one would use to describe them. But maybe they are emotionally fragile. If you want to look a certain way in order to be able to freely express your emotions, in order to have permission from yourself or others to wear your heart on your sleeve, be comforted, be helped, etc., then there's nothing wrong with that, it's a valid desire. It's also a different kind of thing from wanting a certain body for the body's sake. Maybe you don't want to transition, and that's totally okay. And maybe you do want to transition, and at the same time want to receive specific social abilities that the girl you're envisioning would have, at least as you imagine her. So if you want something specific, such as permission to feel a certain way, the way to get it is to ask people for it, and first of all give it to yourself.

What you're saying about wanting permission is spot on, i've always struggled with my body image because i've always been tall, dark skinned, broad shouldered, big (AKA: Fat), and yet on the inside i've always been super sensible, and because of the way i look on the outside, i've always felt pathetic about my feelings, and felt that others looked down on me, or didn't take me seriously.

When i was a kid, my absolute worst bullies were girls, and it felt so awful, being this big guy and getting tormented literally by little girls, one time i tried telling my teacher about it, seeking help, and she just kind of didn't care, i don't recall her exact words, but it was pretty much "Deal with it.", she left me on my own, and i always thought it was because she didn't take me seriously.

Like, you're right, a part of me even doubts if i genuinely even want to transition, i guess it's because of things like "Men don't cry", the portrayal of men and women in media, in art, when i think of tears, sadness, sensibility, fragility, feminine women are what comes to mind, not men, especially not manly men.

In a way i still feel like a kid that never grew up, emotionally speaking, and women to me have always felt like the gender that has the permission to be more childlike, due to having more child like features, the higher voice, the face features, the low profile, being seen as the empathic gender, for example when i cry i always feel pathetic, being this big manly guy crying, but if i was a small cute girl i'd feel more ok about it, idk, maybe what i'm saying makes no sense at all, maybe it's even offensive (I apologize if that's the case), but it's how i've always felt, my head is screwed up, idk.

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2 hours ago, Lain said:

When i was a kid, my absolute worst bullies were girls

 

At risk of being sexist, and making a broad generalization here, my immediate thought when I read this was, "Girls are mean." I mean that girls fight with emotions, and it's vicious. There's a lot of social power in shaming.

 

2 hours ago, Lain said:

maybe it's even offensive (I apologize if that's the case)

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not at all offended by what you said, and it makes sense to me.

 

I hope you have a very happy New Year and that your exploration helps you even if you don't decide to transition, or that if you do transition, you can make the most of what you have and give yourself the power to be who you really are.

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3 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

At risk of being sexist, and making a broad generalization here, my immediate thought when I read this was, "Girls are mean." I mean that girls fight with emotions, and it's vicious. There's a lot of social power in shaming.

 

I don't find it sexist, considering you've admitted that it's just a broad generalization.

I guess young girls can be mean because boys usually go for a more physical approach, to show that they're tough or something, maybe it's genetic, social, both, i'm not sure, either way girls are left with words and emotions, like you've said, and those can be so much worse, especially depending on the person.

Just my personal experience really, in my lifetime, guys that bullied me either did it when i was close, because they wanted to mess with me and wanted me to go away, or they did it by telling jokes, making fun of me, etc, at very specific moments.

The few girl bullies i had were the only ones that actively chased me around to mess with me, it was something they wanted to do and it was fun to them, still, i don't want to generalize obviously, because i'm sure many boy bullies did this, while there are many girl bullies that don't, and obviously most kids from any gender aren't bullies at all, i just had bad experiences really.

 

3 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not at all offended by what you said, and it makes sense to me.

 

I hope you have a very happy New Year and that your exploration helps you even if you don't decide to transition, or that if you do transition, you can make the most of what you have and give yourself the power to be who you really are.

 

Thank you for the kind words, the care, the advice and the support. I hope you have a wonderful New Year aswell, hopefully 2021 can bring us all lots of love and light :3

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@Lain you'd be surprised what hrt and other steps towards transition can accomplish appearance wise. For a long time I wouldn't even consider calling myself a trans woman because I never thought I'd be able to pass. I'm still no waif by any means but it's very rare that I get misgendered these days so don't let what you look like now hold you back from starting your transition. Like some of the others have said, talking to a therapist can be super helpful when it comes to sorting out your gender. And if you do decide transition is right for you try to be gentle with yourself as you figure out the kind of woman you'll become. For a lot of trans women we're trying to speed run through the lessons of femininity and womanhood that cis women are given a lifetime to figure out. 

 

As far as the bullying you've experienced, it really sucks and I agree that girls can be just as mean as boys. I'm glad everyone else here has been so welcoming to you and hopefully now that you're older you've had a chance to find more supportive people to have in your life. You deserve to have people on your side and it'll make anything you have to face easier when you have a support network. 

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This thread has been on my mind all day since I saw it this morning...

 

I believe that all of us will have advantages and disadvantages when it comes to how our genetics factor into our transition. It's extraordinarily easy to get self-critical and negative. Looking at myself, I see many masculine features that I would love to change but I know nothing can be done about them. For example, I have the frame of an offensive tackle. At the same time, I also have a full head of hair when many my age struggle with male pattern baldness. I'm sure someone out there would trade their smaller frame for my head of hair. That said, this sort of envy of what other people have ultimately ends up being self-defeating. Instead, focus on what we like about ourselves, and what fills us with confidence. Confidence is attractive, and it can't be bought in any store, prescribed by any doctor, or changed by any surgeon. The images of women in the media with impossible-to-attain figures undermine confidence. Those images also have the potential to do tremendous damage both psychologically and physically - not just to trans women, but to *all* women. That's why I'm a big believer in body positive thinking. As many others have said, changing how you think can have far more of an effect than changing how you look. Surround yourself with people who help you think positive and it'll really help you along in your transition.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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